by Rae Kennedy
“What are you on?” Colin whispers.
Logan replies loudly, “Nothing, just need to sleep it off.” He goes on to collapse into his bunk.
Colin looks at me and I know we should go to bed too.
Reluctantly, we linger for a few more minutes, fingers interlocked, before he finally kisses my forehead and says goodnight.
CHAPTER 18
It was real.
I don’t have to ask.
The way he yielded to each of my advances, welcoming them. The way he stroked his tongue along mine, tasting every kiss, desperate but slow, never rushed. The way he groaned when I bit his bottom lip and the way his fingers tangled in my hair.
None of that was for anyone but us. He didn’t do it for any other reason than he wanted to. I wanted it too. And I want more.
I should go to sleep, but I keep fidgeting with the hem of my sleep tank and thinking about him. I can’t turn off my mind. I keep thinking about how his lips feel.
I finally slide out of my bunk. The air is cool against my bare legs, the carpet is not plush, but soft underfoot, and the only noises are of the lulling sounds of the bus cruising down the highway and Joey’s nose whistling while he sleeps.
Colin is in one of the top bunks and I climb up the side carefully, though my legs are trembling. I try to open his curtain as quietly as possible and stealthily sneak in but my foot catches on the last rung, my knee smacks the edge and I end up in a heap at Colin’s feet, twisted in his bedsheets.
He shifts under me and lets out a deep grunt before propping himself up on his elbows. It’s dark in the bunk but I can make out the exact moment the scowl on his sleep-fogged face softens when he recognizes me.
“What are you doing?” he asks with a little smirk.
“I don’t know...” Seducing you?
His smile widens with a flash of teeth as he pulls back his covers. He’s lying there, in nothing but black boxer briefs, as I take in all of his pale skin covered in tattoos, from the snake vised around a dagger on his right thigh to the eagle spread across his chest, the tips of its wings reaching from shoulder to shoulder.
“Come here,” he says.
The bunk is so narrow there’s no other option but to crawl over him. I hover over him in the dark, our noses touching. He lifts his face to mine just enough to press a quick kiss to my lips then pulls the covers over us, wrapping me in his arms and holding me tight to his body. His body, which is warm—and mostly naked. Don’t forget mostly naked.
“I didn’t want to stop,” I whisper to him.
“Me neither.”
And then his hands are in my hair and he’s kissing me in earnest, rolling us over so he’s on top, his weight pressing me firmly to the mattress. And I revel in the feel of him, running my hands up his smooth back as he greedily devours my mouth. He nips and licks and sucks at my lips, tastes my tongue, going back for more and more as I move my fingertips down his sides and then between us. His abs contract when I trace over them and he breaks our kiss for a second, panting hard when I tease my fingers along his waistband.
“What do you want?” he asks between kisses.
“What can I get?”
“Anything.”
I smile as he kisses along my jaw and to my neck, sending a shiver down my side even though I’m so warm, wrapped up in him.
“I want—”
His large hand skims up my ribs to cup the side of my breast just before his thumb strokes slowly over my nipple through the thin fabric of my shirt, and I momentarily lose all thought.
“I want you to touch me this time, when I come.”
“Fuck.” His voice is raspy in my ear. “I want that too.”
He moves his palm over my breast, taking it fully into his hand and massaging with just enough pressure that I push into it. He kisses down my collarbone, his hands sure and steady on my body, giving firm squeezes and gentle strokes. His lips brush over the swell of my breast and then he kisses the tip, making my nipple pebble beneath him. I let out the tiniest breath of a moan before he takes my whole nipple into his mouth, sucking on it through my shirt, making my back arch off the bed.
Every reaction my body gives, he takes, not hesitating to give me more. More touching, more kisses, more tongue, more heat, more of our bodies pressing against one another. Always following my lead. I grip onto his back, clinging to him, running fingertips over his shoulder blades and down to the dimples just above his ass.
He kisses me harder as he grips my hip then palms my butt before sliding his hand down my thigh. He hooks my knee and spreads my leg so that he can nestle his hips between my thighs. He ruts against me, the solid bulge in his shorts dragging all along my center. He keeps rolling his hips into me as our kissing grows more frantic. If we were naked, he’d be pushing into me and my body clenches at the thought, warming with desire, eager to welcome him in.
I’m writhing beneath him, my body screaming for more, more. Then his fingers are sliding up the inside of my thigh. Slowly. Slowly up past the hem of my tiny shorts and up higher to graze his knuckle over my panties, along my sex. The touch is light and deliberate and I’m surprised to feel the pleasure of it in the tips of my toes and a tingle of my lips. I’m keenly aware of how damp my panties are, and just days ago the thought would have embarrassed me. But right now, knowing that he can feel how wet I am for him only excites me.
But then his touch is gone as he slides his hand away from me.
My chest tightens and I can’t catch my breath. In my lust-filled dizziness, I can only get out the word, “No.”
He tenses over me, motionless. “No?”
I lick my lips and try to steady my head. “I mean, don’t stop.” I reach down between us and rub over the thin cotton of his boxers, up and down his long erection so he has no question of what I want.
At my touch, he momentarily closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. Then he brings his hand to his lips. “I wasn’t about to stop,” he says before licking two fingers.
And I remember him sucking my fingers into his mouth, wetting them before telling me how to touch myself with them.
He presses a kiss to my lips as his hand dives down the front of my shorts and under my panties. Heat floods in my body, all rushing to the spot where his two fingers are parting my folds and rubbing slick through my core.
“You feel good,” he murmurs against my mouth.
“Mmm,” is all I can manage as he works his fingers expertly between my legs.
He strokes me long and slow at first, teasing. Then he quickens. His fingertips flutter over my clit, sending a jolt of electricity through my bones and I gasp into his mouth. But he doesn’t stop kissing me or let up with his hand. The touching feels amazing but the fact that it’s Colin giving me this pleasure—touching me, teasing me, kissing me, enjoying my body—heightens everything.
He builds my pleasure quickly, the tightness forms, swirling under the surface, and just as I recognize what is happening, he slows his pace. My clit is throbbing for him and he knows just how to touch it, where to touch it to elicit the perfect responses—like he’s playing an instrument and knows exactly the notes to hit.
“Do you like this? How I’m touching you?” he asks against my lips.
“Yes,” I whimper.
He dips a finger down and rims my entrance before gliding back up to stimulate my clitoris, harder, faster. The tension is coiling again, my muscles tighten and the familiar ache inside me is longing for more.
As if reading my mind, the blunt tip of his finger goes down again, sinking slowly into me.
“Is this okay?” Colin breathes heavily.
“Yes. More.”
He answers by sinking the finger in fully to his knuckle.
“Oh.” I clutch him tight around the neck.
“Good oh?”
I nod enthusiastically against his cheek, feeling his eyelashes flutter against my skin.
“Good.” He rocks his finger in and out of me, the heel of his hand
maintaining pressure on my oversensitive clit, barely satiating its need. “I didn’t think we’d be doing this on the bus,” he says quietly. “There’s not enough room to spread you out how I’d like.”
I tilt my hips to meet his thrusts. “You seem to be managing,” I say breathily.
He speaks against my lips. “But I want to taste you. All of you. I want your legs wide enough to bury my face between them.”
My skin tingles at his words.
He’s still penetrating me slowly, rhythmically, as he nips along the seam of my lips. I part them to allow entry and he licks in my mouth, along my tongue, sucking on my lips, and then he’s kissing me hard, long. As he plunges his finger in me faster and faster, he does the same with his tongue and I imagine he’s fucking my mouth as if it were my pussy, like he’s showing me what he wishes he were doing.
Then he pulls his hand away, leaving me empty and wriggling with need below him. He licks and sucks on his two fingers and his thumb, closing his eyes and humming while getting them nice and wet.
“Ready?”
All I can do is moan with anticipation.
This time, two fingers split my entrance and when they fill me, it feels different. Like being stretched, like it’s too much, but also like feeding a craving I didn’t know I had.
“Okay?” he asks.
“Yes.”
His moistened thumb presses against my clit and starts to rub in circles as he pumps his fingers and coaxes the fluttery contractions to start low in my stomach. He goes faster, his thumb furious, and when he crooks his fingers inside me, hitting a spot that sends waves of intoxicating heat through my body, I know I'm on the brink.
I fumble with my hands as our kissing becomes frantic, making my way down to his boxers, wanting to feel him, touch him like he’s touching me. I slip my hand into his underwear. His hard cock is hot in my hands. He hisses. I grasp it tentatively, sliding my fingers up and down his length.
“Harder,” he pants between kisses.
I grip him more firmly but keep getting distracted by his thumb and how maddeningly it’s driving me to the edge.
He doesn’t let up as he whispers in my ear, “Can you feel how tight your pussy is around my fingers? That’s how tight I want your hand around my cock.”
Oh. Oh god.
I squeeze him hard, trying to keep my fist tight around him.
“Shit. Yeah, just like that.” His words come out strangled. He closes his eyes and whimpers when I start to move my hand. Even under him, I feel the power I have over him and I remember the words he said last night.
You have all the control.
Emboldened, I explore him with my hand, from his thick base to the slit at the tip of him. He moves against my hand in the same rhythm his fingers thrust inside me and we’re lost in each other.
And then I’m breaking beneath him. His mouth muffles my cries as my climax erupts and waves crash all around me, lapping at my skin so my entire body is aflame and tingling at the edges.
He hums against my lips as I regain awareness, and I can feel his smile. “So perfect.”
He’s still huge and hard in my hand and I jack my fist up and down him again.
“Christ,” he whispers, “you need to slow down. I’m close to coming.”
I go faster. I want him to come. I want to see his expression. I want to hear what comes out of his lips when he finally releases. And I want to know that I gave it to him.
“Gray, please, there’s nowhere...” He’s panting heavily and I can feel the tension in his muscles as his abs contract. “I don’t want to come in my underwear again like I’m fucking sixteen.”
“I’ve got you,” I say against his neck. “Just tell me when.” I kiss and nibble along his neck and collarbone.
“Fuck—I’m—now.”
There’s no room to bend and I can barely see in the dark but somehow I get down fast enough to wrap my lips around the head of his cock just as he starts to pulse, shooting warm liquid into my mouth. It happens so quickly I don’t have time to second-guess or think too much on it. I just swallow it down and continue to suck until he’s entirely spent.
I slide back up his body where he cups my face in both hands. He presses a sweet kiss to my lips, then a second one, and lets out a contented sigh.
I feel equally as content. And also like I just ran a marathon on two hours of sleep. The weight of the exhaustion falls on me in one giant heap.
“I should go back to my bunk so we can sleep.”
“Fuck no. I want to cuddle.”
“There’s not really enough room for two.”
“I think we can make it work.” Colin hugs me to his chest and pulls the blanket over us, nestling me into the dip of his shoulder.
I love the feel of being pressed up against his body. I like that he’s holding me here, that he wants me this close. I close my eyes and sink into him, into the darkness of sleep. But before I fall away, I feel his fingers stroking through my hair and hear his quiet words as he sings the sweetest lullaby.
CHAPTER 19
“Hey! Hoo boy—” Logan’s voice is too loud, too happy, and way too close.
I open my eyes to the light shining in from where Logan has pulled back the curtain just enough to stick his head in. He’s sporting his signature big smile, which highlights his chin dimple, and his chocolate brown eyes are bright and lively—way too chipper for how shitty he looked last night, if you ask me. But he also has the decency to look a little bashful, having caught us in Colin’s tiny bed together.
Colin grunts and covers me with his arm—even though I’m completely dressed—as he rolls me over and turns his back to Logan. “Go away.”
“Are you guys going to stay in bed all day?”
“Maybe.” Colin squeezes me tighter, nuzzling his face into my neck.
Being wrapped up with him, under his weight, his intoxicating scent surrounding me, feels perfect.
“We’re going to be stopping pretty soon to eat. Just wanted to let you know.” Logan shuts the curtain and we’re alone again.
I don’t think I’d mind spending the whole day in bed with him. His breath tickles along my neck and I involuntarily scrunch up my shoulder and let out a quiet giggle. He tightens his arms around my waist and then his lips are brushing against my skin. Before I know it, his lips are on mine and then I’m tasting his tongue. His hands are on my sides—my ribs, my hips, fingers gripping into my ass holding me against him. Against his erection. I rock against him, teasing along his length and I’m so achy for him, pulsing hot between my legs. And he’s so hard. Hard for me. He wants me. And I want him. I’ve never wanted anybody like I want Colin—all of him.
And then a loud gurgle sound churns from my stomach.
Colin breaks our kiss to chuckle softly against my lips. “Hungry?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Hungry for something.
He touches a quick kiss to my nose. “Let’s feed you, then.”
* * *
I tap on the table, staring at the page—errant scribbles and thoughts, words crossed out and rewritten as I try to wrap my head around the nebulous idea forming in my brain.
I look over to where Colin is lying on the little couch on the bus. He’s propped up on his elbow, one leg bent, looking intently in his notebook. He’s actually writing. His fingers move deftly across the page, his black pen scratching in a frenzy of inspiration. He stops every few minutes, parting his lips to hold the pen between his teeth as he reads. His eyes flick back and forth over the words he’s written before he starts at it again.
I could watch him all day.
But the other guys will be back soon and I know Colin likes to write when it’s quiet. They had wanted to run to the liquor store after we ate lunch. Or was it dinner? It’s late afternoon. I don’t know—this sleeping half the day and being up all night is really throwing me off. Everything about this summer so far has been kind of crazy—I guess that’s what I wanted.
I glance back to Colin
, watching the pen between his lips. His lips... He looks at me just at that moment and my cheeks heat at being caught staring.
He gives me a lopsided smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
He runs his teeth across his lower lip as his gaze lingers on me for a moment before he goes back to writing. Just that one look, one word, one smile, and I’m done for.
Something clicks in my mind and I pick up my pen.
I leapt into the depths
Telling myself I wouldn’t drown
But as the water filled my lungs
It burned like a fire
And now a new danger takes me down
As flames consume me from the inside
Happy with those words, I’m about to close my notebook, but something stops me. I flip the pages instead. I turn to the page with my Fuck-It List—my let’s-be-crazy-and-wild-screw-expectations list. My heart quickens as I look at the bottom of the page, at the place where I want to add another thing. I start writing the words before my brain has even processed the idea. I don’t know why I’m compelled to write them, but there they are in all caps. LOSE MY VIRGINITY.
There. I wrote it down, the thing that creeps into my brain every time Colin kisses me. I want him to be my first. I guess I’ve been holding on to the romantic idea that I should be in love with the person I lose my virginity to, but why? Maybe Kyla is right and it’s really not that big of a deal. Isn’t it enough that we like each other, that we want each other, and that I trust him?
Even as I’m thinking this, a small but insistent voice in the back of my head is saying but it is a big deal and what if you’re already in love with him?
The door to the bus swings open. Logan, Dean, and Joey stomp up the steps, laughing, back-slapping and yelling about something while hauling their paper bags of loot.
I slam my notebook shut.
“You fuckers are so loud.” Colin sets his notebook down and slides in next to me, hoisting me into his lap as the rest of the guys pile into the seats around us. Joey is to my right, lining up mini liquor bottles along with an assortment of salted nuts, and the twins are across from us, popping the caps off a couple of beers.
