I dropped my phone on the seat as my jaw dropped open. He sent me a picture. Not just any picture either. It was a picture of Ethan kissing me. No note attached, just the picture. I wondered who else he sent it to. Did he send it to Natalie? Was this going to be how she would find out? Crap! Crap! Crap! I should have just talked to her.
I got out of my car and walked inside to find Ethan at a table by the window, staring at me. He already had our drinks and stood to pull out my chair as I approached the table. He was always a gentleman when it came to the little things like that. I knew that he could see something was wrong. The concern in his eyes was evident, but he didn’t ask. He knew that I would tell him if I wanted to. I didn’t, but I needed to.
“So that little display of affection we shared in the hallway has gone public…” I trailed off, not knowing how else to put it. He looked confused, but I couldn’t say any more than that.
“Do I need to talk to Natalie?”
“I don’t know if she knows yet, but I was sent a picture of us kissing, and I’m gonna guess that she will see it sooner rather than later. It was inevitable, I guess.” I sighed because there really was nothing else to say. She would have found out eventually. We were already starting to have a hard time staying away from each other as it was.
“Oh. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t really care what she thinks, but I know you do. I want to be with you, and if she has a problem with that, I really don’t care.” He laid it out there like it was normal for this to be happening. He stated it like it’s normal to have to hide your feelings for your friend’s ex-boyfriend because it happens every day. This was not normal in my world. What do I even say to that?
“Oh. Look, I should really get to the airport.” I stood, but he grabbed my hand and tugged me back into my chair. I let him because I didn’t want to lose his touch. I loved how our hands felt wrapped in each other’s. I loved the way a simple thing like holding hands warmed me on the inside.
“Before you go, I have to ask you something.” He paused, and I know that whatever he wants to ask was hard for him. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to continue before shutting it again. I realized that he was looking over my shoulder and not at me anymore. When I glanced back, I saw Natalie staring at us, mouth agape. I pulled my hand from his and stand, but she was already out the door and gone.
I plopped back in my seat and put my head in my hands. This day could not get any worse. That’s what I was thinking until he spoke, and although I heard the words, I asked him to repeat himself.
“Do you love Brad? Is that why he’s coming out here? I need to know because I need to know where I stand. I want to believe he’s just a friend, but the way you talk about him speaks volumes about how much you care about him. Is he really just your friend?”
I was taken back, and I didn’t know how to answer him. I couldn’t answer these questions when I was asking myself, let alone answer them for him. This was why I was scared that Brad was coming. I thought I was going to have this conversation with him, not with Ethan.
“I don’t know. We are best friends, and I do love him, but I don’t know what kind of love that is. It’s all a little confusing for me, for him. I just don’t know.” I paused as I stood up. “I do know that no matter how I feel about him, it doesn’t change how I feel about you.” I walked away. It was the only thing I could do at that moment. I couldn’t explain my feelings for him. I didn’t understand my feelings for him.
I made my way to the baggage claim with my homemade sign in hand. Instead of putting his name on it, I wrote “Michigan,” knowing he would be looking for me and not a sign anyway. I was looking through the crowd for him—his plane had landed about twenty minutes ago— when I felt a large pair of hands grab me by my hips and swing me in the air. He had gotten the jump on me. Damn him!
I swung around into his arms and held on tight, wrapping my legs around his waist. I knew he wouldn’t drop me, but it felt so good to hold him that I didn’t want to let go, not anytime soon anyway. He smelled just like I remembered, he felt just like the last time I had hugged him, and there were tears just like last time as well. The only difference was that this time they were tears of joy.
I pulled back to get a good look at him, and I saw for the first time in what felt like forever a real look of joy on his face. I smiled up at him, happy to be able to see those luscious brown eyes of his, the gold around his irises sparkling with joy. He wiped away the few tears that had crept from my eyes with the back of his hand. Then he leaned down, and his mouth was on mine. Crap!
Chapter Ten
I pulled away breathless. Brad was grinning at me from ear to ear, and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew that the kiss meant more to him that it meant to me, and I think he knew it too. I missed him. I missed his smile, and the way just looking into his eyes allowed my entire body to relax. I missed my best friend. It was then that the internal struggle that
I had been having with myself died.
He grabbed the bag he had dropped on the ground next to us with one hand, pulled it up on his shoulder, and swung his other arm around me as we walked out of the airport like nothing had happened. It was amazing that after not seeing him for over three months, this felt completely normal to me.
We talked like nothing had changed. As we headed to my house, I tried to give him little bits and pieces of knowledge I had picked up about the city over the past few months. I showed him some of my favorite spots, and then we took a detour so that I could drive past the high school. He was shocked at how massive it was, just like I had been the first time I had seen it.
As we pulled into the driveway, I saw my mom rush out of the house to greet us. She gave Brad a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I knew she would be glad to see him; convincing her to let him come and stay with us had been easier than I had originally thought that it would be. She had always had a soft spot for him. I always thought that she was secretly rooting for us to get together, but she never said anything. I gave him the royal tour of the house and showed him his room.
He threw his bag down on the bed and swept me up in another hug. I held on for as long as I could before he pulled back and flopped down on his back on the bed, resting his head in his hands, causing his chiseled abdomen to become exposed. Yum! Crap!
“I can’t believe I’m here right now, able to wrap my arms around you again.”
“I know. It all seems a little surreal. I’m so glad you could come. I thought your parents would be more hesitant to let you fly so far alone.”
“They were, but I told them that I would find a way without their help if that was what it took. Plus, I threatened to go to Panama City with Emma and Ella for spring break if they wouldn’t let me come here. I guess they figured I would get in less trouble with you.” He was giving me a cocky smirk as he said that last part. He was far from being a troublemaker, and his parents knew that.
“So we have about two hours before we need to head over to my friend Natalie’s for your ‘Welcome to Tucson’ party she is throwing you.” Was she still having the party, I thought to myself. I should probably send her a text. What about Ethan?
Crap! I needed to text him too. “What do you want to do in the meantime?”
The look on his face said that he had a few ideas that I wanted to stay away from. I looked away and started to fidget with my nails, knowing this was a clear sign to him that I was ignoring what I just saw. He stood back up, started to walk toward me, but stopped short and started to look around the room.
“Why don’t we grab some dinner at that little Italian place we passed on the way here, and then we can head to her house from there?” I suggested breaking the silence. I knew that Brad was a sucker for Italian food and thought that maybe we could get past the tension in the room if we were able to get out in public for a while.
“Sure, sounds good.” The tone of his voice said that he really liked my idea but, looking up at him, told me that we would not be getting past t
he tension any time soon.
“I’m gonna change and then we can go.” I backed out of the guest room and ran down the hall. I immediately sent Natalie a text and patiently waited for her reply.
Natalie: Yes, partys still on. talk later
Me: okay. see u soon then
I sent Ethan a text saying that I would call him later. I was waiting for his response when my phone rang and he was calling.
“Hey,” I started but was interrupted by my door opening. Brad was walking in my room, looking sexy as hell, and I think my mouth happened to drop open a bit.
“Hey. I was wondering if you would make time to call me.” Ethan said sarcastically.
“I didn’t,” I teased him. “I sent you a text saying that I would call you later. I am headed out to dinner right now. Can I give you a call when we get back tonight?”
“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later then?” It was once again a question and not a statement. He wanted to make sure that I was going to call him.
“Yep. Talk to you later. Bye.”
I didn’t wait for him to say good-bye before I hung up. Brad was staring at me, and I knew that he was going to start asking questions.
“Boyfriend?” He asked, raising his eyebrow a little.
Wow! He nailed that on the first try, sort of.
“Nope, just a friend,” I replied trying to sound nonchalant. I was not lying to him. We really weren’t technically dating.
“It was a guy though, and I could see the look on your face. You like him.”
He knew me a little too well.
“Yes, but it’s complicated.” That was the complete truth without getting into the nasty details. Complicated pretty much summed up my entire relationship status with everyone right now. “We need to head out to dinner if we are going to make it to Natalie’s on time.”
As we drove to Natalie’s after dinner, we were both so silent you could have cut the air with a knife. I knew we needed to talk about what we were feeling. We needed to talk about the fact that he knew about another guy in my life. We needed to talk about a lot of things that we had avoided at dinner, but I was afraid that I would lose him again like I did the first time. I didn’t want to feel like that again. We had just gotten to a point in our relationship where we seemed to accept that we were just friends, at least until he got off the plane today. His presence was all consuming of my heart. I wanted to be with him again now that he was within arm’s reach. Would I always feel like this? Would I always feel like I was being pulled in two directions?
I pulled to the curb in front of Natalie’s and cut the engine. I turned to Brad, and as soon as I did, he kissed me. I tried to fight what I was feeling, but my heart took control of the situation, and I stopped fighting. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be with him. All the hurtful things I had said to him, all the lies I had told him and told myself about not wanting to be with him disappeared, and it was just the two of us, kissing in my car like teenagers without a care in the world.
A knock on my window made me pull away with a little jump. I turned to see Ethan staring at me through a somewhat fogged window with his mouth agape. Could this have gotten any worse? I was a poster child for bad timing today—first, Natalie catching me with Ethan and now Ethan catching me with Brad. Was I really a bad person?
I was sitting in shock, staring out the front windshield. I had two sets of eyes on me, and I couldn’t look at either one of them. I felt betrayed by my heart at that very moment. I wanted to kiss Brad, to feel his love for me pour into my body. I also knew that there was something powerful between me and Ethan that I couldn’t explain to anyone, not even myself. He was the only other person who got me, besides Brad, and I was literally in between the two of them, both probably waiting for me to say something.
I knew my reaction when I saw Ethan spoke volumes to Brad about who he was, but I couldn’t make myself say the words. Thankfully, he didn’t ask. I hadn’t told him anything about Ethan. I had actually avoided the topic at all costs, and even though he knew that I was hiding someone from him, he always dropped the subject, just like he did when I changed the subject this afternoon. I wanted to be with both of them for very different reasons, and it took that moment to realize it.
I slowly opened my door, got out, and walked past Ethan, up Natalie’s driveway, leaving both of them behind. I was not going to cry tonight. I kept telling myself that all the way up the driveway, through the front door, and into the bathroom. Then I broke down and let it all out. I was so confused, and I knew that if I was confused, then I had two very confused guys outside waiting for me. They would be waiting for answers that I didn’t have.
After about ten minutes, I finally pulled myself together and joined the party. Brad was already introducing himself to my friends when I came out of the bathroom, and Ethan was mingling on the other side of the room. I joined Brad, and his fingers locked with mine. It felt different than I remembered. I was nervous to be holding his hand in front of other people, in front of Ethan.
The night was pretty uneventful. Natalie had managed to get a couple of cases of beer, so the drinking was pretty toned down from most of the parties that she went to, thankfully. I didn’t drink, and neither did Brad. We made our way around the room, talking to people that I knew pretty well. No one asked if we were dating, even though we caught a couple of odd looks when people realize that we were holding hands.
Natalie never mentioned the coffee house to me that night. I saw her talking with Ethan a few times, but it looked civil from where I was standing. I would catch him glancing in my direction every so often, and our eyes would meet. I couldn’t tell what his mood was like because of the distance, but I knew that his eyes weren’t sparkling like they normally do when he looks at me.
I tried to steer us to the opposite side of the room, away from Ethan most of the night. If he was able to get me alone, he would want to talk about what had happened in the car. Brad would want to talk about it too, so I tried to keep us socially on the move. It seemed to work, and by the time we were saying goodbye to my friends, I was hopeful that all was forgotten.
Brad and I never ended up talking about the moment in the car. I was afraid that he would ask questions and that I wouldn’t have any answers for him. I was pretty sure, after the way that he looked at me at the party, that Brad knew more than he was letting on. Our chemistry changed, and instead of feeling the need to be close to him, to hold his hand and cuddle with him, I felt more relaxed. I had my best friend back, somehow.
The rest of his visit was spent seeing the sights of the city and, of course, he wanted to watch me play in my tournament. We didn’t kiss again after that first day. He held my hand wherever we went, and I was pretty sure we looked like a couple. The tension that had been there the first day intensified as his departure became closer. Had I pushed him away? Would I still have my best friend when I went home to visit in a few months?
The day I took him back to the airport was the worst. Once we were on the road, he grabbed my hand and started running his thumb over my knuckles. It was such an intimate thing to do that I feared we were right back where we started when he arrived. The car was filled with tension, and the fact that both of us were silent made it even thicker.
Is this really what I wanted? Did I want to let him go? The internal battles were raging in my head and my heart. I loved this man for more reasons than I could even try to count. We had been through hell and back on too many occasions. I was struggling to let him go when I really wanted to hold onto him but in what way? Did I want him as my best friend or my boyfriend?
I had managed to avoid Ethan the entire time that Brad was here after that first night. I was expecting him to call and want to “discuss” what he saw in my car. He had asked me before I left for the airport if I was in love with Brad, and I wasn’t able to answer him. Now I needed to answer that question for myself. If I was in love with Brad, love love, I needed to tell him, and we would make this work. If I wasn’t, then what? Cou
ld we still be best friends? Were we strong enough to survive this realization?
Once we were at the security checkpoint, we had to say our good- byes. He knew that this was it, our final moments together before I was able to come home for a few weeks over the summer. We sat on a nearby bench, but I couldn’t look at him as the tears started to fill my eyes, finally running over and down my cheeks. I found myself playing with my ring and wondering if he still wanted me to have it.
“I was surprised that you were wearing it. I figured once you met someone you would take it off,” Brad said with a hint of surprise and relief in his voice.
The shock must have been apparent on my face when I looked up at him because he took that moment to kiss me. It was soft and sweet, but there was a whole lot of meaning behind it. It was the opposite of the kiss he gave me when he had first arrived. He was kissing me good-bye in more ways than one.
He was making the decision for me. I knew that I would always love Brad, but he was taking control of this situation and not making me choose.
“I will always wear it. You are the one person in this world that means more to me than anything else. You will always be my best friend.” I didn’t know how else to tell him that I knew what his kiss meant. My voice didn’t waver as I spoke. I was trying to make sure that he knew how much he meant to me.
He grabbed my hand and placed it over his heart. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew what he was trying to say; he had said it the last time we had said good-bye. I knew he meant it with all his heart, and to show him that I felt the same, I mimicked his gesture. Our foreheads met in the middle, and we just sat there for what felt like forever, saying good-bye, without any words.
With a final wave after he got through security, he turned and headed to his gate. He was on his way back home with part of my heart in tow. I wanted to run to him. I wanted one last hug, one last kiss. I wanted to go home with him. I wanted him to hold me forever and tell me that we would never be apart again. He was my solace, my comfort. I was completely torn between wanting more and wanting what we have. I questioned his decision as I watched him disappear into the thick crowd of travelers. Was this really what was best for us?
Holding On Page 11
