As everyone started to arrive and the house became full of friends and acquaintances, I started to feel a little claustrophobic. I knew most of these people well, had worked with them side by side for the past five months and would work with some of them again next year. For some reason, I was feeling very out of place, and I was quickly in need of fresh air.
Standing on the back deck of Ethan’s house, sweating from the ninety-five-degree evening, I started to wonder what my future really held. I wondered if Natalie and I would ever truly get past this bump in our friendship. I wondered if Ethan and I would still be together after the summer when he went off to college. I wondered what things were going to be like back home when I got there. My mind was full of a variety of unanswerable questions when I felt the presence of someone behind me.
I was shocked when I turned to find Natalie standing behind me, hands stuck deep into the pockets of her shorts, looking nervous. She wasn’t looking up at me, but I could tell just by her body language that she wanted to talk. I figured that this would happen eventually, but I was hoping that it wouldn’t be tonight. We both had been avoiding this, and with my departure looming next week, I knew that it was better to do this now than wait until I returned. The silence that was surrounding us was almost too much to bear.
“Hey,” I said. I was suddenly feeling unsure of myself. You could hear the tension in my voice, how hesitant I was to even speak.
“Hey,” Natalie replied sounding sad.
It was an echo of what I just said, but I could hear more in her voice than I think she even knew. I could hear the apologetic tone and braced for what was coming next.
“I know that you must be a little confused. I was pretty awful to you and then tried to act like everything was normal.” Natalie continued. That was an understatement if you ask me. “I just want to apologize for acting the way I did on prom night. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
There were two ways I could see that conversation was going. Either I could graciously accept her apology and move on or I could graciously accept her apology and give her a piece of my mind. I wanted to keep her friendship, I knew that for sure, but I also needed answers. She was the one who told Ethan that she was okay with us dating. She needed to accept us, or else she was going to be the one to lose a friend today.
“I understand completely why you were upset, I really do, but I need answers. I know that you use to date Ethan, even though you have never volunteered that information. I know that you wanted to ‘go further’ than you two did. I also know that you told him you had no problem with us dating. If all this is true, I need to know why you freaked out on us after prom. Why do you care so much about our relationship if you are supposedly okay with it? Not to mention you have Morgan. This is all really unfair to him.”
I took a deep breath and waited for her to answer me. I needed to get all of that off my chest. I felt better, but I knew that I might not like her answers. Her answers would decide whether or not we remained friends. I needed her to be honest with me, no matter what. Her answers could change everything.
“I can’t explain why I got jealous, but that’s what happened. I thought you two had sex, and for some reason, I freaked out, got jealous, and then went and did something that I thought would make Ethan jealous.” She hesitated before continuing. I knew what she was going to tell me, but I needed to hear it from her. “I slept with Morgan that night out of spite. I really thought that you two had gone all the way, even though Ethan told me you hadn’t.”
“Even if we had, it shouldn’t have mattered to you.”
“I know that now, and to be honest with you, I think I was just jealous that he was willing to do that with you and not with me. I guess I felt like I wasn’t good enough, and that hurt.”
Hearing her say it made it all real. I tried to put myself in her shoes for a minute, and once I was there, I saw everything clearly. I saw how disheveled we looked, Ethan especially, since I had changed out of my dress. How insecure that must have made her feel. Combine that with a little alcohol, and there went her V card. I felt bad for her at that moment. I knew how important it was to me to make that first time special. She will never be able to get that back.
“I can only imagine what went through your mind, and I’m sorry. We never meant to make you feel like that. I didn’t even know about any of that until Ethan told me after you ran off.” I had to take a deep breath before continuing. “I need to make one thing clear though. If we are going to be friends, I need for you to fully accept my relationship with Ethan. I am done walking the line while we’re around you, never knowing what’s okay and what’s not.”
“I get it, and I accept it, but I can’t promise that it won’t be hard. I really thought that I was in love with him at one point. After spending the last few months with Morgan, I know that I wasn’t, but it doesn’t make things easier for some reason. I’m in love with Morgan. I don’t want anything from Ethan. I just need time to digest it all I think.”
I can give her that. I was going to be in Michigan for three weeks. She could take all the time she needed while I was gone to get over it. “Deal. I can give you time as long as you give the effort.”
“Deal.” We both stood there in awkward silence. I knew we needed to hug it out, but I couldn’t be the one to initiate. She finally stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me, and I returned her embrace wholeheartedly. I felt like I had my friend back.
“Back to the party?” I asked.
With a nod from her, we headed inside to find our men and grab a cold drink. I had sweat through my tank top, but it was worth it. I knew things between us were going to be okay.
The last day of school approached quickly. On one hand, this was fantastic news, and on the other, it kind of sucked. I was happy that school was out and that next year I will be a senior, but at the same time this meant that Ethan was graduating and at the end of summer, he would be off to college somewhere. Plus, I had to leave a few days after graduation to go visit my dad for three weeks, and as much as I missed my friends, that’s three weeks less that I have to spend with Ethan.
He was yet to tell me where he’s going to college. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to keep it this big secret. It was college— you were supposed to be bragging about where you got in and where you’re going. He was having the opposite approach to the situation. He was completely silent about his decision or, as I was about to find out, his lack thereof.
The day before graduation, we were standing in his kitchen and I was asking him the easy questions that anyone should be able to answer, should want to answer, and should be proud to answer. That’s when he told me that he hadn’t made a decision yet.
“What do you mean you don’t know where you’re going yet?”
“I haven’t decided. I have three school that have all offered me a scholarship to play tennis, but I can’t decide where I want to go.”
“Well, since tomorrow is graduation, don’t you think it’s time to make that decision?”
“I told them that I would let them know as soon as I decided.”
“Didn’t they give you some kind of deadline to respond? Like, two months ago, when everyone else was making their final decisions?”
“Well, technically I am enrolled as a freshman at all three right now until I make up my mind. The coaches told me to do that so that I could secure my spot.”
“Wow! You truly are a wanted man. Question is, who am I going to lose you to?”
“Well, I am leaning toward one more than the other two, but I really want to go take another look at all the camps over the summer. With you being gone for three weeks, I plan to check them out so that I’m not sitting here bored all the time.”
“You won’t be bored while I’m gone. You get to go hang out with your friends and enjoy your last summer of freedom. The last summer you can have fun and not have to act like an adult.”
“Well, I have a big decision to make, and I have to at least t
hink like an adult for a while.”
“I guess so. Can you at least tell me which three colleges are after you?” I asked, giving him a pleading look with my eyes.
“Let’s talk about something else,” Ethan said, trying his best to divert my attention. He’s really good at changing the subject when he doesn’t want to give away any information. “When do you leave again?”
“You know this. My flight is Tuesday at ten o’clock in the morning.”
“I guess you’ll need my help packing on Monday night then.” He pulled me to him and secured his arms around my waist. When he kisses me lightly on the nose, I know what’s coming next. “Are you sure I can’t come with you?”
“You know my dad would have a fit. It’s only three weeks. If you can’t handle three weeks without me, then how do you think we are going to be able to make it when you go away to college?”
This was a topic that we have talked in circles around since prom. We both knew that long distance relationships are hard. We both knew that temptations grow when the heart is weakened. We both knew that at the end of summer, we would probably part ways. We were living in the here and now and trying not to think about the future. For me, that was a little impossible. I was not sure if I could bear to lose him after losing Brad twice. My heart could only take so much.
As my plane landed back in Michigan, I had the sudden urge to call Ethan. He rode with us to the airport that morning, only about five hours ago to be exact, but the separation I was feeling was overwhelming. My chest felt like it was being sat on by an elephant, and I was dreaming of his face. That was until my sister poked me in the back to go. As I opened my eyes, I realized that the people in the aisle ahead of me had moved and it was our turn to get off the plane. Finally!
I couldn’t see my dad as we approach the baggage terminal. The airport was crowded, and it felt like someone was watching me. My sister darted from behind me and started to run. I followed behind her at a steady pace until I saw where she was headed. I picked up speed and didn’t stop until I was safely planted in his arms. My feet were airborne, and he was spinning me in circles.
Brad put me back on the ground as my dad reached over and gave me a big one-armed hug and a kiss on the head. I grabbed a hold of Brad’s hand and pulled him toward the carousel that should contain our bags. I was still holding Brad’s hand, Dad had one arm over my shoulder, and Amy was still attached to Dad’s other arm as we collected our bags and headed for the car. We look like one big happy family.
As soon as I dropped my purse in my room at my dad’s house, I send my mom and Ethan a quick text, letting them know we arrived safely and that I will call them both later tonight. Brad lugged my suitcases up the stairs to my room and plopped them next to the bed.
Looking around, I realized that nothing had changed since the last time I was here. I stood in the doorway taking in the sight of my past when I felt Brad’s hands come around me from behind and he pulled me back to rest on his chest. I know the compromising position we were in, but at that moment, I was needing a little comfort.
Every picture frame on the wall was just where I left it. My flat iron was sitting on the top of my dresser with my tray of perfumes behind it. There was an empty spot on my desk where my laptop would go, and I could see all the cables underneath just waiting to be plugged in. My trash can was overflowing with crumpled up papers that I believe were my English paper from last fall—I would have to check that out before I empty it.
Then there was my bed. I could tell that the sheets had been washed because the bed was made, something I never did because I hated to do it. It looked plush, and the pillows looked perfectly fluffy. Just staring at it, made me want to jump on it so I did.
The heat from Brad’s body left me feeling chilly as I landed on my bed, but it didn’t last long as he landed next to me, and we curled up together. I glanced up to make sure the door was still open and I see that it is. My dad had strict rules about open doors with boys in our rooms, no matter how much he might like that boy.
It didn’t take long before sleep enveloped me. I faintly remember Brad kissing my head and saying good-bye, my shoes hitting the floor as Brad took them off, the rustle of sheets as he moved me under the covers, and the click of the door as he left. It felt like I was only asleep for mere moments, and then my phone rang.
“Hey,” I grumbled trying to wake up.
“Are you sleeping? Didn’t you just get there like a few hours ago?” Natalie practically yelled into the phone.
“It’s a three-hour time difference and a very long four-hour flight, Natalie. I was exhausted and basically passed out.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes. As I opened them, I realized that it was still daylight, so I couldn’t have been out for too long. “What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I just wanted to see if you made it okay.”
“Yep. Safe and sound. Miss me already?”
“Not really.” You could hear the laughter in her voice as she tried to hide it. “I was just bored and figured I would give you a call.”
“Oh yeah? Who did you call before I came along?” She knew I was teasing her, but I forget this might still be a sore subject.
“No one important.”
Yep, still a sore subject.
“Anyway, when do you get back?” She asked sounding sad. I had to laugh. “I just got here, and you want me to come back already? I have three weeks with my dad, but he wants to stretch it to four or five and drive us back instead. ‘Family road trip’ is what he was thinking. We have to talk to my mom, but I’m pretty sure she’s going to want us to just fly home.”
“Wow. Your dad sounds like a lot of fun.”
“He can be when he’s not working. He was pretty lacking in the ‘fun’ department when my parents were still married, according to my mom.” I stretched above my head and saw that my suitcases were stacked by the door. I felt like I needed a shower, but I really just wanted to change and go to bed. My alarm clock, still in the same place I left it, showed it was only 7:26. I had only been asleep for about thirty minutes at best. That was probably a good thing, considering the time difference.
I smiled a little that some things hadn’t changed before I let Natalie go and told her that I would give her a call in a few days. I opened both my suitcases and quickly tried to shove clothes in my drawers and closet so that I could grab a shower. With the clothes that I already had here taking up so my space, I was having a hard time finding room for everything when my phone rang again. It was under a pile somewhere, so I decided to ignore it until I could find it. It started to ring again as I got to the bottom of the last pile. I lifted up the last of my clothes and grabbed my phone before it could send whoever to voicemail.
“Hello,” I answered, almost unable to get the word out. I was pretty much out of breath at this point from all the shoving and tossing of clothes over the last twenty minutes or so minutes.
“Hey, gorgeous. Everything all right?” Ethan asked sounding excited to hear my voice.
I could feel my heart swell and ache at the same time. I missed him already, and we had at least another twenty days or so before we could see each other. I closed my eyes, and I could see his face clearly. He was smiling at me, and those eyes were saying…
“Becca? Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry. I was just excited to hear your voice and I kind of— well anyway. What are you doing right now?”
“Just sitting here, wishing you were with me. The couch feels so empty without you here. Are you sure that you can’t come home any sooner?”
“Yep. I promised my dad three weeks.” I was going to leave out the part about my dad’s brilliant new plan of taking a road trip. At least I would leave it out for now. “It’s not like you are going to be home anyway. You have three colleges to visit, and that will at least get you out of the city.”
“I guess. I leave tomorrow morning to visit the first camp. I promised all three coaches that I would have an answer for them by the end of Jun
e.”
“So where is this first camp again?”
He still had not told me anything about which colleges he’s going to visit, where he was leaning toward going, how far away they are, or anything. It was getting a little tense between us every time I brought it up. We had already committed to trying the long-distance relationship, so I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t at least tell me what his options were.
“You know I can’t give you that information. It’s classified.” He was teasing, but I really just wished he would tell me.
“I need you to give me something. I feel like I’m dying here. I could help you make your decision…”
“That’s exactly why I can’t tell you. I want to make sure I make this decision for the right reasons.”
I could hear the strain in his voice. Was he going to give in and tell me something?
He let out a long breath before he continued, “Look, I have always thought that I wanted to plan tennis for one particular college team, one particular coach. They are one of my three options. I want to make sure that I am not turning down a better opportunity for myself just because of something that I always thought I wanted.”
“Okay, I get it, but how do you think that I will hinder this decision? I should be able to help you make the decision because I am a nonbiased party.”
“Yes, but the three places are three completely different distances away, so you will be biased. I can drive to all three if that makes you feel better.”
“A little,” I moaned. That was a lie. I would feel a lot better knowing that he would only be driving distance away no matter where he chose to go.
“All right. So what are your plans for the rest of the day?”
Holding On Page 14
