“Maybe,” I say as I pick up my fork. “It will depend on where I’m going and if it’s during the summer. You can’t miss school and you don’t want to miss football. Do you play any other sports?” I dig into my dinner and hum when the savory chicken hits my taste buds. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in a long time. Even the food at Katelyn’s was just party food. This is a real dinner.
“I play baseball because Nick likes it, but I want to learn the guitar.”
“I’ll teach you.”
“You will? Awesome!”
Dinner conversation flows fairly well. We talk about his teacher and his homework. He tells us that he has a crush on a girl at school but doesn’t want to give us her name. Josie and Noah ask about Los Angeles and what it’s like. I tell them there are a lot of people, the traffic is horrible so I hate leaving my place and that it can be really hot. But we have Disneyland and nice beaches and the Hollywood sign.
Noah asks what my cat’s name is and I’m ashamed to admit I never named it. Noah says that’s why it hates me and he’s probably right.
Noah drills me about music and MTV asking me if I like being on there and I tell him no, but that I don’t have a choice. He says he listened to some of my music and tells me I’m really good. I wasn’t prepared when he asked who my songs were about. I shrugged and went back to eating. There were some things I just wasn’t going to answer.
Being a school night, our time is cut short. Noah complains, but I ask him if I can come watch his practice tomorrow. I remind him that I’ll also be at his game this week. Josie invites me over for dinner again and I eagerly agree. I want to spend time with her simply because being in the same room as her calms me. It also spurs my creative side and I can’t wait to get back in the studio, even though I’ll be leaving them both behind.
Josie and I sit down for coffee once Noah is in bed and she sets some rules. I don’t exactly agree, but understand where she’s coming from. No elaborate gifts or fancy toys. I ask about a phone and she says yes, as long as I’m the one paying. I laugh and then quickly realize that maybe she and Nick aren’t sharing expenses. The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. If he’s living here and playing dad, why is she worrying about money? I put a note in my phone to write her a check for ten years of back child support.
Leaving Josie’s house is hard. I hate the idea of them alone in the house by themselves, but she assured me she’s used to it. I still don’t like it.
Instead of going back to my hotel, I head for the cemetery. I haven’t been back since we buried Mason, and I could really use him right now. Even if just means he’s listening. I’m surprised I can find his plot in the dark, but I do. All his standing sprays are still in bloom and I wonder if Josie has been out here taking care of the flowers each day.
“So I have a son,” I say while rearranging the flowers covering his plot. “I have a nine year old son who looks just like me and plays football. Quarterback no less. I’m guessing it’s pretty cool being a dad. I don’t know yet because I only found out by accident and Josie just told Noah today. He seems cool with it until he realizes I’m not around all time like Nick. God, how could you let her hook up with Nick Ashford? Man, when I saw him at your funeral I thought I was in the twilight zone. But I guess you guys became buddies or something, huh?”
I sit down in the dirt, pulling my knees to my chest. “I’m sorry, Mason. You’ll never know how sorry I am for leaving like I did. I should’ve called or something, come home after a year. All I can say is that I’m sorry and I’ll make it up to Katelyn and make sure she’s taken care of. I can do that for her and you and your girls, especially Peyton. Someone is going to have to teach her a five step drop. Might as well be me.”
I set my hand over his dirt pile and say a silent prayer before leaving. The ride back to my hotel is long and lonely. Now that I have Noah and he knows the truth, I want to spend all my time with him. I just need to figure out how.
I never thought I’d feel anything for Liam again. Those feelings had been long dead and then he started coming around. First it was dinner he brought over for Noah and me. He was already in the house and cooking when I came home from work. The next night I cooked again. He stayed late and when he pulled out my favorite movie and a bottle of wine, I knew I was I starting to lose it. I wanted more than anything to cuddle up next him on the couch, but he wouldn’t sit next to me. He sat in the chair, looking uncomfortable while I sat on the couch as close to him as I could get.
The night Nick came home I half expected Liam to be in my kitchen, but he wasn’t. I tried not to watch or listen for him to pull into my driveway, and knew deep down that he wasn’t coming over. It didn’t matter that I wanted to see him. He wasn’t coming to see me anyway, just Noah, and I needed to accept that. Besides, I have Nick.
And Nick is who I want.
Nick is who I’m going marry.
Nick is the one who I’ve been with for the past six years. We share a house and have been raising my son together.
So why am I sitting in the living room with the lights off, while he sleeps upstairs, going through my box full of Liam? I should be upstairs in bed with him, but since he’s come home I’ve slept on the couch feigning a stomach ache. When Nick asked if I thought whether or not I was pregnant I wanted to cry. Not because I don’t want another baby, but because if we have one, it won’t look like Noah. It wouldn’t look like me and Liam.
My finger trails over his football picture, his helmet tucked up underneath his arm. His eye black patches not showing his number, but Jo. His friends gave him such shit for that, but he didn’t care.
“Hey beautiful.” Liam picks me up. I can’t help but squeal. I’ve officially turned into one of the girls I said I’d never be. Oh my god, I’m a cliché.
Liam puts me down, spinning me to face him. His eye black is different. His number is missing.
“You know you’re wearing the name ‘Jo’ on your face?”
“Of course I know. It says Jojo.”
“Yes it does,” I laugh at how silly he is.
He pulls me closer, kissing me deeply. He’s not afraid if we get caught by a teacher. I am, but he promises nothing bad will happen and I trust him.
“I love Jojo more than anything.”
“You do, huh? Should I be worried?”
Liam shakes his head, a smirk breaking through his tough guy act. “You’re my Jojo. Just mine,” he says. He kisses me again before running off. He’s halfway out to the field and I’m still watching his back side. He’s got such a nice ass.
“Hey, Jojo?” he yells.
“Yeah,” I yell back.
“I’m going to marry you someday.”
I thought for sure we’d spend forever together. I thought our love was one of a kind. I would almost be okay if he had met someone else and fallen in love, but he didn’t. He just left. He said he was suffocating.
I had this dream, the All-American dream, and we were living it, the head cheerleader dating the quarterback and captain of the football team. We were the poster kids for romance throughout the town. Everyone knew we were together and nothing was going to break us up. Other girls tried but Liam brushed them off so quick I felt sorry for them… sometimes.
We used to have dinner with his parents every Sunday night at the Beaumont Country Club. Mrs. Westbury was cold as ice and Mr. Westbury just looked down at me. I went to them when I couldn’t get a hold of Liam, asking if they knew where he was, but his dad said he was happy that Liam finally put out the trash. I was so hurt that I blurted out that this trash is carrying his grandchild. “Well, the whore finally did it,” he said before slamming the door in my face.
Liam hasn’t asked about his parents and whether they know Noah. I don’t know what he’ll say if I tell him about his dad. I know deep in my heart Liam never thought I was trash.
Maybe he won’t ask and I won’t have to tell him.
Pressure on my shoulder wakes me. Squinting through one eye, I see Nick hovering ove
r me. An immediate sense of dread washes over me when I open my eyes and see his expression. I sit up, pulling my afghan around me. Nick hands me a cup of coffee and sits down next to me.
“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” I ask. I know I am, but Jenna can open the shop by herself.
“I called Barbara and told her I was going to be late. I thought we might need to talk.” He points to the Liam box. The one I’ve been hiding for years. “It looks like you were taking a trip down memory lane.”
I sip my coffee carefully while I think of what to say. I don’t want to lie to him, but no matter what I say it will seem like a lie. Can you be in love with two different people? What if my feelings for Liam are only there because of Noah, because I’m finally getting to see my boy with his father? Is that the love I’m feeling for Liam?
“Mason—”
“It’s not Mason that you were looking at, Josie. Please don’t patronize me by lying.” Nick won’t look at me. We’ve never truly fought before. There’ve been many awkward moments especially after I told him ‘no’ each time he’d ask me to marry him.
“I’m sorry.”
I set my cup down on the coffee table, careful not to use any of the pictures as a coaster. I try not to look at them as I pick them up, but one of Liam and I catches my eye. Nick’s heavy sigh snaps me out of my reverie. I put the pile of pictures back in their safety box and shut the lid.
“Do you really need to keep those? You’ll see most of those people at our reunion.”
“Yes, I need to keep them,” I snap.
“Really, why? So you can remember all the good times? Is that it?
“What do you want me to say, huh? That I’m sorry I kept those photos? I’m not sorry. He’s my son’s father, Nick, and whether you like it or not he’s going to be around a lot more.” I can’t sit next to him anymore, I get up and start to pace. My hands are shaking I’m so angry.
“What the hell do you mean he’ll be around more? Over my dead body!” He stands, spilling his coffee. I’m so thankful I moved those pictures because they would’ve been ruined now.
“Why are we fighting about this? We knew this was going to happen one day. If Liam didn’t come back, Noah was going to ask.”
“Yeah, but I thought my fiancée would’ve at least talked to me first so we could make the right decision for our son.”
I try not to roll my eyes at his usage of ‘our son’. I know I’m being a bitch, but I did what’s best for Noah. I go and retrieve a dish towel and start cleaning up the coffee.
“I made a decision. I invited Liam over for dinner and we told Noah the other night. I’m sorry I didn’t consult you. I didn’t do it to cause a fight. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Right for who? You and Liam?”
“Right for Noah.”
Nick paces in front of the living room window, his hands clenched together at the back of his neck. I walk over to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. He flinches and moves away from me.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“What? How can you ask me that?” I ask him incredulously. “I’m just… Really, Nick, after everything we’ve been through, how can you ask me that?”
“Simple,” he says turning to face me. “I ask you over and over again to marry me and it’s always ‘no’. I asked after Mason passed away because I don’t want to live like this anymore. Then Liam shows up. So maybe I’m thinking he’s been in contact with you and you knew he was coming and you had this whole thing planned out.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No, Josie, what’s not fair is me coming home and spending these past few nights in our bed alone only to wake and find you asleep on the couch with photos of your ex everywhere. Then you drop the bomb that you decided, by yourself, to tell a boy I’ve been raising, who his father is because you wanted to.
“This is not the Josephine I fell in love with. I don’t know what happened while I was gone or what he’s done to make you act like this, but I don’t like it.” Nick storms out of the house, slamming the door not only on me, but on our conversation.
After Nick comes home from work, we head to the field. Liam is leaving tonight after the game, so this is the last time he and Noah will see each other for a while. Liam bought him an iPhone and thought he’d be sneaky when he handed me a check for an obscene amount of money. I was told to keep it, if I didn’t need it, use it for a rainy day or spend it on Noah however I wanted.
Nick’s mood didn’t improve once he saw Liam at the field. Noah ran up to him and jumped into his arms. I heard Nick mutter something unintelligible. I ignored him. I didn’t go talk to Liam, but Peyton did. They stood together, she on his shoulders, and watched Noah play.
When it was over, Noah left the field and headed straight to Liam, infuriating Nick. I want Nick to be understanding. I get why he’s not, but what’s done is done. There’s no going back. Noah’s father is leaving and won’t be back for who knows how long. Nick could at least give him a chance to say good-bye.
“Noah, let’s go,” Nick huffs as he throws the gear into the back of his truck. Liam shakes his head and walks over toward us, Noah right beside him. I can’t believe how much they look alike.
“So, I’ll be back next month for a week. As soon as I know which week I’ll call and let you know, okay?” I nod, unable to find my voice. I don’t want this reunion to end.
“You be good, okay? And listen to Nick just like we discussed.” He bends down and hugs his son. The son he just met and is now leaving.
“Bye, dad,” Noah says before running off to the truck. The look on Liam’s face must match mine.
“Don’t worry, Jojo,” he whispers to me. He places a kiss on my cheek before walking way.
“Take care of my family, Nick,” Liam says as he slips his helmet on muffling out Nick’s tirade.
I watch Liam’s bike as it flies down the road. When my eyes meet Nick’s, he’s glaring at me. He shakes his head, punching his truck in the process.
I think I just lost my fiancé.
It feels good being back in my studio. Since returning, I’ve been writing like crazy. I think at this point I have enough for a new album. Today, my bassist, Jimmy, and drummer, Harrison, are coming in to lay down some melodies.
I should be happy, but I’m not. This is why I left my life behind. I’m antsy as fuck and want to get back to Beaumont. The first few days back were questionable. I tried to call Noah a couple of times but couldn’t bring myself to do it. What if he didn’t want to talk to me now that I was gone?
The moment I saw his face light up my screen, I knew that wasn’t the case. When I answered he seemed happy, excited, asking a lot of questions about L.A. and the studio. He asked me to send him pictures of the cat and I did.
Now I can’t talk to him enough. The hours that he’s at school and the time difference make me anxious. Weekends are now my friend.
And I hate Mondays, effectively killing my high from spending hours chatting with my son. I haven’t told the band yet, but I will. I just want to keep Noah to myself for a bit. Harrison is the only other parent around; he has a seven-year old boy. Quinn is a product of a one-night stand that turned into the baby mama dropping her blue bundle of joy on Harrison’s door step. Instant daddy.
When I see Josie’s face on my caller ID, panic ensues. Something must be wrong with Noah otherwise she wouldn’t be calling. We haven’t spoken since I left. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t want to screw shit up for her and Nick.
“Hello?”
“Hi.” She’s breathless. I close my eyes and count to ten. She can’t talk to me like this. It kills me that she’s not mine.
“Wha…” My voice catches in my throat from the way she said hi. I need to get a grip here. It was just a common two-letter word. It doesn’t mean anything. “What’s up?”
“Today is Monday.” She says this like it’s supposed to mean something to me. I rack my brain, wondering if Noah ha
d mentioned something particular about this Monday.
“It usually follows Sunday,” I say, hoping to lighten her mood.
“Mason sends Katelyn a dozen roses every Monday and today will be the first day that she won’t get flowers since…” If I didn’t know better I’d say she’s crying.
“Well, we can’t have Katelyn missing her flower delivery, now can we?” I pull up the internet and type in the address for the global florists. I choose a bouquet of lilies over the roses and request they be delivered via Josie’s shop. “All set.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I ordered her flowers. She’ll get a delivery every Monday for a year.”
“Liam…” her voice breaks and now I know she’s trying to control her emotions. These past weeks have been hard on her. The Josie I knew was always strong and confident then she lost Mason and I returned, creating havoc. We stay on the phone for a few more minutes before she has to go and fill my order. Hanging up with her is the last thing I want to do, but work calls for both of us.
When the guys come in, they seem happy. This mini-vacation must’ve done them good. We sit down and I show them the songs I’ve been working on. Harrison starts laughing at a few of them, earning a punch from Jimmy. I sit stoically, waiting for them to say something.
“Did you fall in love while you were away?” Harrison asks. Yes, but I never really fell out of love. She just showed me what I’ve been missing all these years.
“No, saw a lot of old friends. My buddy died and left behind a wife and two kids. Sort of hits home, I guess.”
“Well, I like them,” Jimmy says. “Putting music down for these won’t take us much time at all. I already have a few ideas.”
We take to the studio and start brainstorming with different sounds. Most of the songs could end up being ballads, but we want to stay away from that. We need to add a rock vibe to keep our fans interested. If I put out an album full of love songs people will think I’ve gone soft.
“Painkillers has to be a slow song,” I say when Jimmy starts singing it.
Liam's Journey Page 35
