I have a bum knee anyway. He grinned. My orthopedist would thank you.
And then what? I mean after that ' that's the part that scares me. Oddly enough, she found it easy to be honest with him.
We don't have to worry about that part yet. No one's keeping score here. We have a right not to be alone over the holidays. Who are we proving what to? You? Me? Our kids? Matt? It's been a year. You paid your dues. If nothing else, we have a right to a little comfort and friendship. How much trouble can we get into at a movie? He was very convincing.
With you? Probably more than I dare to think of.
I'll sit alone in the back row. I won't even come near you.
You're crazy. She shook her head as she looked at him, trying to will herself to say no to him, to send him away, she knew she should, but everything about him was so damnably appealing.
I came to the same conclusion myself yesterday that I'm crazy. Actually, it almost had me worried.
Me too, she laughed again. Everything about you has me worried. If I had any sense, I'd tell you that I don't want to see you again until the christening of Paul and Jan's first baby.
That could be a while. Even at best, we're talking nine months. That's a long time to forgo movies. So what do you say?
I say go to Lake Tahoe, and have a great time, Jack. Call me when you get back sometime.
Okay, he said. He was old enough and wise enough to know when he wasn't going to win. It killed him to leave her, but he got up, wishing that he could convince her. Happy New Year, he said, as he kissed the top of her head and walked out of her kitchen. He was already at the front door, and had opened it, when he heard her say something, and he turned around and saw her standing in the kitchen doorway. What did you just say? The look in her eyes rooted him to the spot. She looked frightened, but strong, and her eyes never left him.
I said there's a movie I want to see at the Beverly Center. It starts at four, if you want to join me.
Do you mean that? His voice was a whisper in the chill hallway.
I think I do ' I want to ' but I don't know yet.
I'll pick you up at three-thirty. Wear jeans. We'll go to the Thai place for dinner. Okay? A slow smile dawned in his eyes as she nodded. And without another word, before she could change her mind again, he drove home to cancel his reservations in Tahoe.
Chapter Six
The next five days were magical. They seemed to hang in space like a time warp. They went to movies, walked in the park, talked about anything that came to mind, or sometimes just sat together, in silence. There seemed to be no pressure on either of them. He called the store, but he didn't go in, and of course Gladdie was there. She hadn't taken time off after all. But for the first time in years, he didn't give a damn about Julie's. He just wanted to be with Amanda. Nothing was said, no questions were asked, no answers were offered, and nothing was promised. They just spent time together. And it was exactly what they both needed and wanted.
It was as though day by day Amanda could feel herself healing. And he felt himself becoming the man he had once been, with Don, only better. He was older and wiser, and had squandered a lot of time in the last thirteen years. It suddenly seemed to him as though it had been someone else's life, and it no longer mattered.
She talked about Matt sometimes, and once she cried about him, but she seemed to feel more peaceful about him. She was slowly accepting that he had died and she had lived, and she wanted to stop feeling guilty about it. And without saying anything to Jack, she had quietly slipped off her wedding ring, and put it away in her jewel box. She had cried over it, but she no longer felt right wearing it. For the first instant it had slipped off she thought it would tear her heart out. She never mentioned it to Jack. But he saw it immediately the next time they had dinner, and knowing what a big step it must have been for her, he diplomatically made no comment.
They ate some good food, in restaurants all over town, where they saw no one they knew, and they saw some of the worst movies ever made, and then laughed about them. He went back to his own place at night, and they hovered in her doorway for a long time, just talking and saying good night. But it wasn't until the day before New Year's Eve that, without thinking, while she was cooking dinner for him that night, he reached out and pulled her to him and kissed her. He had wanted to do that for so long, and he was suddenly terrified that he would frighten her away again, but she looked anything but afraid as she looked up at him with a slow smile afterward, and he felt relief wash over him. He hadn't lost her. They didn't say anything, but he kissed her again later that night, as they sat in the living room, in the dark, holding hands, and looking at the fire he had lit. She felt completely comfortable with him.
And at midnight he went home, and as soon as he got there, he called her.
I feel like a kid again, Amanda, he said, and he sounded irresistibly sexy.
So do I, she smiled. Thank you for going slow with me. This week has been incredible. It was just what I needed. I just wanted some time with you ' it's a real gift ' better than Christmas.
They laughed over the fact that the phone had rung a couple of times that night. They both assumed that it had been her children, but she hadn't answered. She wanted this time for herself, and for him. The children had had their fair share over the years, and so had Matt, and now it was her turn. It was the first time in years she had a life that no one knew about, and that didn't include her family. This was good for her for a change, and she knew it.
They had already planned to go ice-skating the next day, and maybe to another movie. They had seen just about everything in town by then, and they were going to cook dinner on New Year's Eve, and drink Champagne, and try to stay awake until midnight.
I'm sorry you didn't get to go skiing, she said generously on the phone to him.
I'm not, he laughed at the idea. This is a whole lot better. This is the most romantic thing I've ever done in my whole life, and I wouldn't miss it for anything, sure as hell not a bunch of moguls.
He said good night to her, and wished he could kiss her again, and the next day they laughed like two kids when they went skating. They had a great time. And that night, on New Year's Eve, she made roast duck for him, and a souffl+! for dessert. It was a perfect dinner.
It was ten o'clock by the time they were in front of the fire again, and he was kissing her, and she was returning his kisses with passion. He poured them each a glass of Champagne, and they drank it faster than they planned. In the warmth of the fire, and the glow of the Champagne, his kisses seemed headier than ever, and she had no idea what time it was when his deep, sexy voice told her that he loved her, and asked her to go to bed with him. She didn't say anything. She only clung to him and nodded. She wanted him more than anything, and for once he couldn't even make himself stop to wonder if she'd regret it. He wanted her too badly. And he followed her into her bedroom. And what he discovered there filled him with wonder, she had a body almost like a girl's, only somehow better. She was long and lean, with fuller breasts than he had expected. He couldn't get enough of her, and she told him she loved him as he entered her, and she could hardly breathe as they moved slowly together. It was something she had never dreamed of or shared before, not with her husband, or the two men who had come before him. For a young girl in Hollywood at the time, she had been surprisingly chaste, but now they brought no history to each other. All they shared was their passion and the present, and when they came, she felt as though the universe had exploded in her head, and her body lay sated beneath him. She loved the noises he made, and the way he touched her, and the feel of him inside her. She was entirely his now, and she fell asleep in his arms soon afterward, long before midnight. There was no sorrow. No regret. And no reckoning. Until the next morning.
She awoke in his arms, as he caressed her breasts, smiling at her, and the sunlight streamed across the room she had shared with her husband. She lay quiet for a long time, and then she looked at Jack, not sure whether to laugh or cry, or make love
to him again, and wanting to do all three at the same time. Instead, she slipped slowly out of bed and walked across the room, and then turned to look at him, like a young doe, in all her glory.
Are you okay? He watched her, filled with desire for her again, but suddenly worried. She seemed different.
I'm not sure, she said quietly, and then sat down in a chair, still naked, looking at him, trying to decide if she was crazy, or just very happy. I can't believe I did that last night. Neither could he, but he had never been happier in his life, and he didn't want to give her up now. He knew who and what she was, and he wanted her desperately. And she had told him she loved him.
Just don't tell me I got you drunk ' that will kill me.
You didn't, she looked at him nervously from underneath cream-colored eyelids, but was I? She seemed frightened.
I don't see how ' you only had two glasses. '
It was the fire ' and you kissing me ' and '
Amanda, don't do this. Stop torturing yourself. He walked across the room to her, and knelt next to her, his own body as splendid as hers was.
I made love to you in the bed I shared with my husband. Tears suddenly filled her eyes as he looked at her, refusing to regret he had done it. I can't believe I did that. My God, Jack, what kind of woman am I? I was married to the man for twenty-six years, and I made love with you in his bed. She stood up and began pacing, as he tried not to let himself get angry.
Don't make it sound like a crime, Amanda. You made love to me, and I made love to you. Amanda ' I love you. For God's sake, we're grown-ups. You're still alive ' my God, are you still alive! ' and I'm more alive than I've been in twenty or thirty years, maybe in my entire lifetime. The phone rang as he said it, and she made no move to answer. She didn't give a damn who was calling. All she could think of now was her betrayal of her husband.
It's his bed. Our bed. She was openly crying as he watched her pacing, but he was afraid to touch her.
Then buy a new one, he exploded at her in spite of himself. It's your bed, for chrissakes. We'll do it on the floor next time ' or at my place. '
You'd need an exorcist to purify your bed! she said in tears, and he laughed at her.
Sweetheart, calm down ' please ' it's just traumatic. It's the first time. I understand that. For chrissake, it's the best sex I ever had ' we love each other ' we just spent a week together, and we're crazy about each other. What do you expect? Christ, we saw every rotten movie in town. What more do you want? A two-year engagement?
Maybe. He isn't even dead a year yet. She sat down again, and cried like a kid, and all he dared to do was hand her a tissue.
The anniversary of his death is in three days. We'll wait. We'll forget this ever happened.
Good. We'll go back to being friends again. We'll go to movies, and we won't have sex again. Ever. She was trying to make it right with herself, but he was only willing to go so far. He loved her too much now to lose any part of her, particularly the parts he had discovered the previous evening. They were pure legend.
Let's not get crazy about this, shall we? We'll have a cup of coffee, we'll take a shower, and we'll go for a nice long walk, and you'll feel better.
I'm a whore, Jack. Just like all the other girls you sleep with. The phone rang again, and they both ignored it.
You are not a. whore. And I don't sleep with anyone anymore except you. Do you understand that? I haven't looked at another woman since you came to the party at the store. You've ruined it for me, and I'm not going to let you ruin it for us too. We love each other, you have a right to that. Do you get that?
I don't have a right to sleep with anyone in my husband's bed. She was distraught, and he was getting exasperated. But he walked over to her, firmly took her hand, and pulled her to her feet.
Come on, let's get a cup of coffee. Neither of them did anything to cover themselves and it never occurred to her that she was completely unembarrassed with him. It was as though they had been together forever.
He made her a cup of coffee standing naked in her kitchen, and handed it to her. She drank it black, and it burned going down, but she was a little calmer when they sat down together at the kitchen table. The kitchen was warm, and they sat there together, naked and drinking the hot coffee.
Do you want the paper? she asked matter-of-factly, suddenly feeling utterly schizophrenic. One moment she was completely at home with him, the next riddled with guilt and anguish. But she was feeling better again now, as he nodded.
Sure. I'd like to see the paper.
I'll get it
She walked to the front door, coffee cup still in hand, opened the front door, and bent down to get the paper. Her front door was completely shielded from sight, and she knew no one would see her. But just as she bent down, she saw Jan's car drive in, and both Jan and Paul stared open-mouthed at her. She grabbed the paper, ran inside, slammed the door, and darted into the kitchen, dropping the paper and spilling her coffee. Jack looked at her in amazement.
You have to leave! She was staring at him in horror.
Now?
Yes ' oh shit ' no, you can't ' they're outside ' go out the back door ' it's behind the laundry. She pointed in the general direction, waving frantically at him.
Do you want me to leave like this? Or can I have a minute to put my clothes on? But just as he asked the question, the doorbell rang, and Amanda nearly jumped a foot when she heard it.
Oh my God ' it's them ' oh my God ' Jack, what are we going to do? She was in tears again, and this time he was laughing.
Who is it? The Fuller Brush man? It's New Year's Day, for chrissake. Just ignore it.
It's our children, you moron. They saw me ' when I went to get the paper.
Which children?
How many children do we have, for chrissake? It's Jan and Paul. They looked at me like they thought I was crazy.
Well, at least they got that right. Do you want me to answer the door and let them in?
No ' I want you to leave ' no ' go hide in the bedroom.
Take it easy, sweetheart. Just tell them you're busy and they can come back later.
Okay. He walked quickly toward her bedroom and closed the door, and with shaking hands, Amanda put the chain on, and pulled open the front door two inches to talk to her daughter. Hi. She smiled brightly at them from behind the door. Happy New Year.
Mom, are you okay?
No, actually ' yes ' I'm fine. I'm busy ' I have a headache ' I'm hung over. Well, actually, I'm not. I had two glasses of Champagne last night. I think I'm allergic to it.
Mom, why were you naked on the doorstep? The neighbors might see you.
No one saw me.
We did.
I'm sorry. Well, thank you for coming by, sweetheart. Why don't you both come back later. Like tonight maybe. Or tomorrow. That would be perfect. Her words were flying like bullets.
Why can't we come in now? Jan was looking extremely worried, but Paul didn't want to push it. It was obviously a bad time. They tried to call first instead of just dropping by, but she hadn't answered the phone. He didn't even think she would be there.
You can't come in now because of my ' my headache ' I'm sleeping.
You're not sleeping. You came out to pick up the paper. Mom, what's going on?
Nothing. I love you, call me next time you want to drop by. That's only polite, sweetheart ' it's rude to just drop by ' but I'm glad you did ' I'll talk to you later. ' She gave a little wave, and slammed the door on them. They stood on the doorstep for a minute and then turned and walked back to their car, looking puzzled. It was only when they got back in the car again that Jan looked at her husband with eyes filled with worry.
Do you think my mother has a drinking problem?
Of course not. She just didn't want visitors at this hour. She has a right to that. Hell, maybe she's having an affair with someone, and the guy was still inside. She's still young enough to do stuff like that, you know ' and your dad's been gone a year. ' He looked amused by his o
wn suggestion and Jan looked at him with outrage.
Are you nuts? My mother? Do you actually think she would do that? Don't be ridiculous, just because your father never gets out of bed, at his age, doesn't mean my mother is going to behave that way. Paul, that's disgusting.
Stranger things have happened. They were halfway through Bel Air by then, and Amanda was back in her bedroom. Jack had just turned on the shower, and he was grinning at her when she closed the bedroom door and leaned against it, as though fleeing from Interpol in a foreign country.
What did you tell them? Did you tell them I said hi? He was amused by her reaction.
That is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. My children will never forgive me.
What, for not letting them in? They should have called first.
They did. We didn't answer.
Then they shouldn't have come by. Simple lesson. Do you want to take a shower?
No, I want to die. She threw herself on her bed, and he sat down on the edge of it, and looked at her with deep affection.
You put yourself through an awful lot of shit. Do you know that?
I deserve it, she said, with tears in her eyes again. I'm a terrible person, and one day my children will know it. And then she looked up at Jack with utter panic as she lay there. You won't tell Paul, will you? Oh my God ' he'll tell Jan, and she'll tell Louise. '
And the next thing you know, it'll be all over the papers. Hell, sweetheart, Paul and I always talk about the women I sleep with. You cannot take that away from me now. He'll think I'm too old to get it up' .
Oh my God. Just kill me. She rolled over on her stomach and put her face in the pillow while he grinned at her, and leaned over to kiss her spine in little tiny bits and inches. He kissed her all the way from the top of her neck to her bottom. And then he rubbed her back for a minute, and she rolled over slowly, with eyes that reminded him of the night before, and its effect on him was impressive, and instant. She reached her arms up to him, without saying anything, and he leaned down and kissed her, wanting her more than ever.
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