“Rose.”
Mirisa looked up and Garnett was surprised at the rawness of the memory in her eyes. “Yes, how could I forget it? Anyway, she told me that she had been sleeping with Dominic and, in fact, she told me she had had many nights with all four of you. I must have had a strange look on my face because she bent over her horse to get closer to me and I remember her red hair fell like silk around her shoulders. She explained in very simple English and in probably too much detail what she meant by all of you.”
“I can remember the world closing in on me and everything started to fade before I took in my breath. I think I thanked her which confused her but she told me before she left that Dominic had promised to leave me because I had been unfaithful. I had always believed that Dominic kept his personal life to himself and maybe it was a lucky guess but it hit me so hard that I truly didn’t know what to do.”
“I shut down emotionally and buried so much of the true impact that visit had on me and my relationship with all of you. I remember sitting for hours before everyone came home for dinner and trying to decide how I ended up at that place because I certainly wasn’t innocent in the events that took place during my marriage.”
The room was so quiet. “I don’t know if you remember but I didn’t sit down with you for dinner nor talked to any of you before you left for the card room. Dominic at that point didn’t care because he couldn’t look at me without getting angry and if I touched him he was physically repelled.”
“You were quiet but it wasn’t unusual enough for us to make note of it before you stood in that doorway. Hindsight always brings that split second clarity.”
Mirisa nodded. “I doubted my actions as I rode to the card room even stopping several times arguing with myself about whether I wanted to bring things to a head. What I realized was that I knew what she said was true, all of it was true, all of you including Alexander sleeping with her. I could have merely packed up the children and returned to Richmond. I didn’t need to walk into that room, I didn’t need to prove to myself what I knew was true but I knew that if I didn’t confront Dominic in the act he would have fought to keep me in Texas. I needed a way to leave in which none of you could interfere. I had to sever the emotions with all of you because for the first time I felt diminished and I felt that it was my punishment for Maggie.”
“But Mirisa you didn’t leave.”
The tears formed across her eyes. “I didn’t count on my emotions crippling my ability to be strong enough to walk away from all of you. It is so easy to play out a scenario in your head when you are alone and the only voice is your own. Everything, everything fell apart as soon as I met Alexander’s eyes and looked up at Dominic. The flood of pain was so great that I wanted to die. I prayed that I would die.”
“I’m sorry.”
Mirisa wiped the tears off her cheeks before she continued. “I’m not telling you this for an apology. I don’t believe any of you owe me one. Dominic and I are the only ones responsible and despite his need to possess me, I was the one who did not belong in his life. What I realized was that I couldn’t live without the rest of you in my life. I was willing to stay married to Dominic for the sole reason that I couldn’t lose the rest of you and he didn’t believe in divorce.”
“Why didn’t you come to one of us?”
She met his eyes. “Garnett, Dominic spent my entire pregnancy deliberately separated from me and all of you withdrew completely. In the beginning when he was told I was pregnant and had returned to the plantation, Dominic not once inquired of my health or made any effort to return to be with me until he was heading to the ranch. Dominic knew nothing about Alexander because he was gone and I know you didn’t tell him. I don’t know how often Dominic slept with other women or at what point of our marriage he began, or how often or at what point that world meant more to him then I did. I was at such a low point in Richmond. I know that Catherine had an affair with him when he was in Washington that winter with James.”
James met Meeks eyes because it was something James had not told anyone and only Dominic was on the steps of the church that night.
“Why do you think that?”
“She told me the night she died. It made sense because she took great measures to not interact with him which seemed so unusual and I would assume he remembered her since she was more than some one night stand.” Mirisa sipped on her coffee before she continued. “I couldn’t talk to any of you because all of you knew every time Dominic slept with someone else, you were there most of the time and what really could you say to me?”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I’ve never talked about it before and right now I need to talk about it. I need to accept my role in everything.”
“Mirisa, it’s over. You need to put it behind you for good.”
She ran her fingers along Garnett’s face leaned over and kissed him. “Is that possible?”
“I hope so. Is your husband aware of your feelings about his involvement?”
Mirisa turned to her husband and thought he was the best mistake she had ever made in life. He smiled at her.
“I survived because Alexander wouldn’t let me quit and he wouldn’t let me take the easy road. He made me face the reality that I had the ability to be strong and decide on what I wanted in life. Alexander has trusted that eventually I will work things out but he says that if I hide behind other people, including him, I will never resolve anything.”
“Mirisa?” She looked up at Garnett. “You married a very smart man.”
“I think so but I also think if he can accept my faults and still love me then I can have hope to hold his love.” Mirisa bit her lip.
“You are too much of a romantic.”
Mirisa laughed and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “I can’t think of anything I would rather be than a romantic though I believe I apply too much romance to things that bother me.”
“Mirisa?” Her eyes locked with James as he struggled to address her.
“James, sometimes when you are standing at the threshold of going or staying, the unresolved things suddenly become so clear and even if they seemed significant at the time they have a strangle hold on you they really aren’t. It has been a long thirteen years with more adventure than most people experience in life. It has been so wonderful, sometimes exciting and with the best men that anyone would be honored to know. Thank you.”
Mirisa went back to the manuscript as they wondered about her mood. She finally placed it on the table and headed for the kitchen. Mirisa made the decision to meet with her four cousins who lived in the New York area. Their wives were all older than Mirisa so she told them that she would like for them to take over as hostess for the trust funds. She planned the lunch at a beautiful restaurant and had Garnett attend so he could explain the details. When they agreed, Mirisa thanked Garnett and sent him on his way and she spent two hours just socializing and enjoying an afternoon away from the house. The best part was with Christmas right around the corner; Mirisa could put all of her energy in planning her Christmas and shopping with the children.
Mirisa loved the servants and they had finally become used to her coming into the kitchen or wash room to do something. If you tried to politely shoo Mirisa out, she would just smile and continue about her chore.
“Lilly, I think today is a good day to check supplies to see if I have everything to start baking Christmas cookies and cakes.” The cook smiled and nodded as Mirisa took down her cook books and sat on the stool. She started making a list of ingredients before she decided to plan the Christmas Eve dinner.
Roast duck with wild rice on a bed of cooked potatoes
Smoked salmon with apples
Boiled fowl stuffed with mushrooms and bread sauce
Oyster fritters
Potatoes, boiled onions, eggplant
Lima Beans and stewed tomatoes
Pickles and celery
Christmas plum pudding
Lemon cheese cakes
> Tipsy cake
Champaign jelly
apples, nuts, raisins and grapes
“Lilly?” The cook turned from the oven to Mirisa. “Will you go over this list and add whatever you think will accompany this for Christmas Eve.”
“Certainly.” She dried her hands on her apron and walked over looking over the list. They discussed what should be added to make it a wonderful Christmas dinner. Mirisa told her that she expected to have twenty people for dinner and would need the dining room fully open to accommodate everyone. Mirisa took the list for the cookies and went back into the library.
“I am going out for a while.”
“Where are you going?”
“Lizzie and I are going to the market to pick up a few things so that we can bake cookies.”
“May I invite myself to join you?”
Mirisa smiled at her husband. “We would be most honored for the escort.” Mirisa bundled up Lizzie and when she came downstairs Meeks was waiting by the door. She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed him as he opened the door.
“Oh Alexander, it is snowing.” She told Lizzie to stick out her tongue as the flakes started to cover the fir on her little bonnet. Lizzie laughed as she tried to catch the flakes and Meeks smiled as he walked down the walk opening the door to the carriage. The snow was so beautiful as they moved down the avenue into the shopping district and through the financial district until they reached the large market. The aisles were filled with cooks and servants holding lists and arguing with the butcher. Mirisa learned that they were very good at negotiating because every penny they could save would stay in their pockets. Meeks picked up a basket as Mirisa set Lizzie down and took off her bonnet and mittens. Lizzie had dark curly hair and the largest round deep blue eyes. When she laughed which was often her dimples stood out across the room. Mirisa told her to hold her father’s hand as she went over her list and put the ingredients she needed in the basket. Meeks took Lizzie over to the bakery counter and they picked out fresh bread and apple pockets.
By the time they got home, the snow had started to get heavier and the street lights were coming on. Meeks had the coachman put the packages in the kitchen. The maid came to take his coat asking if they wished coffee in the library. She waited for Mirisa and Lizzie’s coats.
Mirisa helped Lizzie with her bonnet and mittens. “Lizzie can you please go upstairs and tell your brothers and sisters that we are going to make Christmas cookies.” She turned and headed for the stairs when Garnett snatched her up making her squeal.
“Where is my favorite girl going?”
“Right here. We are baking cookies for Christmas.”
“But the kitchen is the other way.”
Lizzie put her hands on his face and kissed him. “I need my sisters.” Garnett swung her up then placed her on the step. She turned and slowly climbed the stairs. Garnett walked over to the couch and laid down with a new law journal as the children all came down the stairs and headed for the kitchen. After three hours and no sign of either the children or Mirisa, Meeks finally got up to see what had captured their attention.
In the middle of the dining room table was the greatest assembly line he had ever witnessed. Mirisa was at the end of the table stirring a bowl of frosting as Maggie was putting color in a smaller bowl before putting it in front of Sara and Lizzie. The cookies were in different degrees of decorations. Meeks stood against the counter and watched them as they worked so diligently at making perfect cookies.
“Darling, I didn’t hear you come in. What do you think of the cookies?”
“I think it is a miracle that they work so well together.”
“They are good children.”
“I would like to take you out to dinner tonight if you can tear yourself away from cookies and children.”
“Thank you.” Mirisa wiped her hands on her apron and started to box up the cookies that were finished. Meeks went back to the library and sat down.
“Problem?”
“I don’t think so but since Cassie was born she has been very quiet.”
James looked up from the paper. “She’s probably still trying to recover from the surgery. Are they still making cookies?”
“Most of them are and Jonathan is sampling. I swear I don’t know where he puts all the food. I’m going to take Mirisa out to dinner.”
James knew when he put it that way that he didn’t want company. “What are we doing for Christmas?”
“I haven’t asked.”
“I’ll check.” James got up and walked into the dining room picking her up from behind. “Mirisa you know that no one in this house is allowed to do Christmas solo.”
“I know that this year Christmas will be wonderful and none of you is allowed to help.”
James put Mirisa down and turned her around. “Will you talk to me?”
“James I will always talk to you. Is this about another woman?”
“I don’t talk to you about women.”
“I don’t understand why you don’t. I have a very unique understanding of women you know and if you wish to finally settle down I am sure I can set you up with someone.”
“I’m sure you do but it doesn’t mean I want to talk to you about them.”
“Maybe you can help the children box up the cookies. I have a few things I need to do.”
“Meeks is worried about you.”
She handed him an empty box. “Why?”
“You’ve been unusually quiet.”
She looked into his eyes and saw the concern. “I guess I have been. Do you have a moment?”
“Didn’t I just ask you that?”
“No, you asked if I would talk to you.” Mirisa put the box down. “Matthew can you take over boxing up the cookies? Put no more than six cookies in each box.” Matthew nodded as Mirisa went up to the music room. James poured a cup of coffee following her up as Garnett watched.
Mirisa stood at the window looking out over the street. There were still many carriages out leaving tracks in the fresh snow. She wondered how horses kept warm when each breath could be seen in the cold air. James put the cup of coffee on the table and sat on the edge of the chair.
“James, does Alexander talk about us?”
“What do you mean by us?”
She turned from the window. “Does he talk about my relationship with you and Garnett?”
“Your husband has never acknowledged it in specific terms but if you know him well you know that he keeps much to himself. He will accept whatever you want in life but as a husband I doubt if he likes it.”
“Has he said that?”
“Sweetheart, bad men don’t talk about feelings and they definitely don’t cry.”
Mirisa laughed. “Crying is such a great emotion. It’s like stripping down and stepping under a beautiful waterfall allowing the softness of life to just wash away your pain and regret. I don’t know if women could get through a day without something making them cry. The little kisses of the girls make me cry, the handsomeness of my sons makes me cry and knowing that I am so loved makes me cry.”
“Are you going to cry because you know I hate it when you cry?”
“Probably but I will try not to but probably.” Mirisa put her fingertips on the window pane and smiled at the coldness. “I always dreamed of having a large home filled with children but I forgot that they grow so fast and leave far too early. I find accepting that to be far easier than letting go of you.”
“Am I going somewhere?”
“I hope not but I wonder if I have not made it more difficult for you to settle down by having your daughter. Was I blinded by my selfishness?”
“Actually, this time I blame Garnett for even putting the idea in your head. I was surprised that Meeks agreed to it but I understand your second thoughts about it.”
“I didn’t expect Cassie to actually be my last child. I have carelessly taken away Alexander’s ability to have more children and I don’t know if he wanted a son.” She looked down before
turning away.
He wondered if this was just after birth doubts or if she was worried about Meeks. “And what is your hope for the children?”
“What every mother hopes for. That they find their purpose in the world without the struggle but I know that is unrealistic. A child who takes a chance will struggle and will fail but hopefully mine will have enough in them to pick themselves up and keep moving. I really don’t think I would have ever taken the chances I did if I hadn’t been with the four of you nor would I have picked myself up. I would have settled down and had a proper life with a proper husband and children raised by nannies as I planned the proper tea parties and worked for proper charities. There would have been no bad decisions for I wouldn’t have been able to assert myself.”
“Mirisa what are you actually struggling with?”
“James, if I had answers I wouldn’t be wandering around asking for opinions. I want to enjoy my life. I want to step out onto the porch and take in the beauty of nature. I want to grow fields of wildflowers and watch the deer as the spring beckons them into the open. I love cooking outside with you, I love riding as the breeze fills the air with the sweet smell of evergreens and I think my children should find the wonder and appreciation of the world that I have found with all of you. I want to be close to my family because I don’t know how much longer I will be blessed with my father and I have already missed so much time with him. Mostly I want to be in Colorado.”
“It is hard to get it out of your system and yet it doesn’t balance everything. I think it is time that you let Meeks know what you want.”
“I think I should go take a bath for I have some pampering to do for it takes longer to compete for attention.”
“Mirisa.”
“Yes darling.”
“What would you like for your birthday this year?”
“What in the world could I ask for that I do not already have other than to turn back time?” Meeks watched her closely waiting for her to continue. “I want to spend my life with you. Nothing else matters.”
The Visitor_The Final Ride 1875_1928 Page 4
