by Robin Hobb
“You don’t want children?” His words seemed almost accusing.
She bridled incredulously. “What? Now? Of course not! Do you?”
He moved one shoulder. “It wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Not for you, perhaps! But even if my pregnancy were easy, I can’t imagine having a baby now, while we are still trying to find Kelsingra. Have you even thought about what you just said? About nursing a child, or finding something to use for its napkins, or a blanket for it? Where is Jerd going to sleep after the baby is born? Greft still claims her, but he spends less and less time with her since she turned him out of her bed. Oh, don’t look at me like that. It’s no secret! She sleeps badly and can scarcely keep food down. How would she be interested in sex with him?”
Tats had half turned from her. “It would be different with us. I care about you. If I got you pregnant, I wouldn’t abandon you.”
She spoke with sudden certainty. “You’re only saying that because you know how unlikely it is for me to get pregnant. So you’re willing to take a chance.”
“Well, everyone was shocked when Jerd caught a child. All I’ve heard from everyone is how surprising that is.”
“Well, if you talked to the girls about it, you’d hear how alarming it is.” Thymara shook her head and made a sudden decision. “Tats. I’m not going to mate with you. Not while we are still journeying like this. I…” She wanted to tell him that she still wanted to be able to kiss him, to touch and be touched by him, but that seemed so unfair. Until he spoke.
“Then I don’t see how we can go on at all.” There was hurt in his voice but also a shadow of a threat. That angered her.
“Oh. I see.” She bit the words off sharply. “If I let you mate with me and you get me pregnant, you care so much for me that you’ll stay at my side through thick and thin. But apparently you don’t care enough for me to stay with me if I’m not willing to mate with you! Does that makes sense to you?”
For a moment he was silent and uncomfortable. Then, “Yes,” he blustered. “It does. Because it would show that you cared for me as much as I care for you. Right now, what we do, it’s like teasing me. I feel like a fool when you suddenly stop me and say no as if I’m a child begging for another sweet. When people love each other, one doesn’t say no to the other.”
His absolute certainty took her breath away. “Married people say no to each other all the time!” she insisted, thinking of her parents’ frequent quarrels. Then she stopped, wondering if that was so. Her father and mother had disagreed often, but was that true of other long-married folk?
“I’m tired of you making a fool of me, Thymara.” Tats turned away from her.
“I’m not trying to make a fool of you,” she hissed after him. “I just don’t want to get pregnant! Can’t you understand that?”
“I understand that you don’t care enough about me to want to take a chance. We both know it’s very unlikely I’d get you with child. But you don’t care enough about me to risk even that small chance!”
She drew breath to speak, and then wondered what she could say. It was true. He was right. She liked Tats, even loved him a little, and his touch sent her heart racing and warmed every inch of her skin. But when she weighed that pleasure against the chance that she’d get pregnant, her blood cooled and her belly tightened with dread—as it did now. She tried to find something to say, some way to tell him what she felt.
At that moment, a dragon’s roar of outrage pierced the night. Thymara felt the entire ship shudder under her, and she heard the querulous sounds of people jolted awake from a sound sleep.
Then the roar was followed by a man’s yell of terror.
She heard the slam of a stateroom door, and Leftrin shouted, “Hennesey! Swarge! Eider! Lanterns! What’s going on out there?”
There was another roar. This time she recognized the dragon’s voice. It was Kalo’s. She heard a high-pitched scream that wavered in the night, and then the sound of a loud splash not far from the ship. Kalo’s outraged words shocked her. “You are no keeper of mine, Greft! Never again will I speak to you! Never again will you touch me!”
“Man overboard!” shouted Skelly.
“I’ll get him!” That was Alum’s voice. Both voices had come from amidships. Thymara shook her head. She wouldn’t be the only one wondering how they both happened to be in the same place at the same time in the middle of the night. She heard a different sort of splash as Alum dove in. A moment later, the kindled lanterns were converging on that side of the ship. Without a word to each other, she and Tats joined the others gathering there.
Swarge lifted his lantern high. In the water, they saw Alum cover the last small distance between him and a floating body. She saw him turn the man over and heard him gasp out, “It’s Greft! Lower a ladder over the side.”
By the time Alum had towed Greft’s limp body back to the side of the barge, Swarge was on the bottom rung of a rope ladder, waiting for him. Together they wrestled his body aboard the ship. “Bring him into the galley!” Leftrin barked. Tats stepped up to catch Greft’s feet as they carried him. Halfway there, he began to struggle. They let him try to stand, and he stepped to the railing, coughing and spitting out water. Swarge waited patiently, lantern held high. Greft’s shirt was torn and hanging loose in flaps of fabric. Thymara glimpsed two long scrapes on his chest and one on his back.
“I’m fine,” he insisted abruptly. “I don’t need help. I’m fine.”
“You’re bleeding,” Thymara pointed out.
Greft rounded on Thymara, savagely angry, shouting in her face. “I’m FINE, I said. Leave me alone!”
Leftrin clapped a hand on his shoulder and abruptly spun him around. He let go of him and Greft nearly fell. Leftrin didn’t care. He barked his words. “You’re fine, and I’m captain. And that means you’ll tell me just exactly what happened a few moments ago.”
“It’s none of your business. It didn’t happen on your ship.”
Leftrin stood absolutely stock-still and silent. Thymara wondered if he was shocked, if no one had ever spoken to him like that before. But he did not so much as blink when Eider seized Greft by his shoulders, lifted him off his feet, and walked to the railing. With no apparent effort, he held Greft out at arm’s length over the side of the boat. Greft roared in wordless fury and clutched at the big man’s thick wrists. Thymara noticed he didn’t struggle. Like her, she suspected that Eider would simply drop him. Or perhaps he was too battered to offer any resistance.
Leftrin took a small breath and spoke conversationally. “You’re not on my ship now. I suppose what happens to you now isn’t my business either.”
“I went to check on my dragon. He got angry at me and picked me up and threw me. And I am not Kalo’s keeper anymore!” The last sentence he shouted defiantly into the night. In response, there was a roar of anger from the dragon. The other dragons echoed him, and a muttering of growls followed the exchange.
“That’s half or less of the truth. What happened?” Leftrin demanded.
Thymara had never seen the captain look so angry. Alise had appeared, wearing the Elderling gown that Leftrin had given her. Her hair was loose on her shoulders, her eyes frightened. Others of the keepers and crew were gathering around them. The deck was getting crowded.
“I went to see my dragon.” Greft was stubborn. His hands were tight on Eider’s wrists. Thymara wondered if the big man was getting tired of holding him out there.
“In the middle of the night?” Leftrin queried.
“Yes.” A flat answer.
“Why?” Leftrin wouldn’t let it go.
Greft touched the scrapes on his chest and looked at the blood on his fingers. “To ask for blood,” he admitted abruptly.
“Blood? Why?” Leftrin sounded shocked.
“Because I want to become an Elderling like the others!” The furious jealous words burst out of him. “I’ve heard the whispering. I know. The other dragons have given their keepers blood, to help them change. The othe
r dragons are making their keepers into Elderlings. Yesterday I went to Kalo and I asked him when he would give me blood and take charge of my changes.”
The captain’s eyes had gone flinty. He spoke quietly. “Eider. Bring him aboard and set him down.”
As if he were a derrick moving freight, Eider turned and dropped Greft on the deck. Greft staggered two steps, then straightened up. He glared around at all of them defiantly.
Sylve abruptly pushed her way into the ring of bystanders. “I was with Mercor. I heard you demand blood. And I heard Kalo refuse you.”
She was pale and shaking, and for the first time Thymara saw how much Sylve feared Greft. She didn’t want to wonder why. Harrikin ghosted up behind the girl and set his hands lightly on her shoulders. “It’s all right,” he said reassuringly.
“No. It’s not.” Her voice trembled, but she faced Greft squarely. “I heard what Kalo said. He said he wouldn’t give you blood because he no longer trusted you. That you might not want the blood to change, but only to sell.” Her hand darted out and seized the front of his torn shirt. She tore at his pocket, and a small glass bottle fell with a thunk and then rolled in a circle on the deck. It was empty. She pointed at it. “It doesn’t take a bottle of blood to change someone, only a few drops. So what was that for, Greft? Do we have a traitor in our midst?”
Thymara gasped for air. For as Sylve spoke, Mercor abruptly loomed up alongside the ship. His dragon’s voice and thought echoed his keeper’s exactly: “Do we have a traitor in our midst?” he demanded.
Greft looked around at them wildly. The ring of humans who surrounded him was shocked, silent. Thymara saw Sedric turn his face away, pale and sick with horror. Alise’s face was set like stone, and Leftrin’s eyes hardened. They waited.
“I’m not the only one!” he shouted. “You liars! Liars one and all! Jess told me, he told me everything. He told me the whole expedition was just to get the dragons far enough away from Trehaug that no one would know of the slaughter, except for the men doing the buying. He told me Leftrin knew about it, that him getting the contract was rigged! The Rain Wild Traders’ Council and even Cassarick’s little Council know about it! Why do you think they agreed to this? It’s all a farce! Even the ‘expert’ from Bingtown and her assistant are in on it. There is no Kelsingra, there’s no final destination for any of us. The plan was to get the dragons away from Trehaug, then slaughter them and load the barge with the pieces. And set course for Chalced, to sell it all to the Duke of Chalced.”
He glared around at all of them defiantly. A shocked silence followed his words. The pained smile he gave them mocked them all. “Don’t you understand, you fools? Why do you think the Council chose you? To get rid of you! And have no one care that you were gone. Once you’d helped move the dragons far enough upriver, no one would need you anymore. And the dragons are supposed to die or be killed. And then the barge full of dragon parts heads straight to Chalced. And everyone is happy. The Rain Wild folk don’t have to support the dragons anymore, Trehaug gets rid of a bunch of misfits, the Duke of Chalced is cured and allies with the Rain Wilds, and a lot of people get very, very rich very quietly! You liars! Don’t look at me like that! You know I’m speaking the truth! Why are you all pretending?”
Boxter shouldered his way to the front of the huddle. Tears were starting to fall from his eyes. “But you said…you said all those things! About having our own city, and starting new rules and, and everything!” He sounded like a small confused boy. For a moment Thymara thought of Rapskal and his ingenuous questions. Grief scored her heart. But Boxter was not Rapskal, and anger began to dawn in his face, making it ugly. “You liar!” he cried out when Greft just looked at him. “You liar! Telling us we had to leave the girls alone, and then you went after them! Making all those rules about sharing and then keeping the best for yourself. We know what you done, Kase and me. We’re not stupid.”
“Aren’t you?” Greft sneered, and Boxter swung. Greft snapped his head back, but Boxter’s fist still grazed his chin, clacking his teeth together as it slammed his mouth shut.
“Enough!” Leftrin shouted, and Swarge suddenly had Boxter’s arms clamped to his sides.
A thin line of blood trickled from the corner of Greft’s mouth. He ignored it, instead looking disdainfully from one of them to another. When he realized the full hostility of those watching him, he took a breath. “At first, I believed in what we were doing. Then Jess set me straight.” He looked at Leftrin, and his eyes were full of accusation. “What happened to Jess, Captain Leftrin? He told me you wanted to back out on his deal with you, told me that you wanted that woman in your bed, and that if you killed him, you’d bribe her with dragon blood to get what you wanted. Is that how it happened?” He swung his accusing glare to Alise. “Fancy Bingtown lady like you whores herself for dragon blood?”
“Leftrin!” Alise gasped, but the captain’s fist had already connected solidly with Greft’s mouth. The force of the blow slammed the keeper up against the deckhouse wall. His head wobbled on his neck, but he managed to pull himself straight and stand up. He glared at the staring bystanders, then deliberately spat blood on Tarman’s deck. Skelly gasped in horror and leaped past him to wipe it up with her sleeve. Greft deliberately leaned closer to Leftrin. Alise had hold of his arm, trying to restrain him, but Thymara knew that it was the captain’s own will that knotted the muscles in his jaw and swelled his chest tight.
“I’m tired of pretending!” Greft said. There was something so disillusioned and broken in his voice that for a moment pity for him swelled her heart. “I thought the Council was finally offering us a chance. I thought there was some sort of a future for me. That’s why I signed up.” He looked around at all of them, and his eyes were accusing.
“I tried to make you all see how it could be. I tried to make you see we could change all of it. But some of you didn’t want any changes.” He glared at Thymara. “And some of you just wanted someone to think for you and tell you what to do!” His accusing eyes came back to Boxter. Kase had stepped up behind his cousin. He’d put a hand on Boxter’s shoulder, but Swarge still hadn’t released him from his hug.
“Sa, how I tried!” Greft shouted the words up into the night. Then he glared at everyone again. “But none of you really listened to me. And then Jess told me why. Told me what a web of lies this whole thing was. Well, now he’s dead and gone, and I don’t think that was an accident. And I heard that some of the dragons were changing their keepers on purpose, had given them blood to make them change. But not Kalo, no. Not for Greft. Nothing ever for Greft. I took care of that monster. I hunted for him, I fed him, I groomed him, I scraped the filth off him. But would he give me one drop of blood, one scale? No. Not one drop to change me, not to put my body right, not to give me something I could sell to make a new life for myself.” He looked around at them, self-righteous and angry. Blood was seeping from his scored flesh. Thymara guessed now that Kalo had seized him in his jaws and flung him, tearing his skin as he did so. It was only surprising that the dragon had not sheared him in two and eaten him.
Greft’s voice was suddenly calm and level. “I’ve known all my life that I wouldn’t get as much as anyone else did. Not respect. Not even time. People like me, like us, we die young. Unless a dragon takes us on and makes sure we don’t. I know that now. I heard Sylve and Harrikin talking about it in the night, talking about waiting now because they’d have maybe hundreds of years together, after their dragons changed them. But not Greft. Not for me. So I went tonight to take what should have been given to me. All the times I groomed him, fed him, you think he’d give me just one scale, just a few drops of blood. But no. No.”
He sighed out through his nose and looked all around at every one of them. He shook his head slowly as he did so, as if he could not believe his bad luck or the harshness of fate that had doomed him to be here.
“I’m going to die,” he said finally. His tone made it their fault. “Things are starting to go wrong inside me. I can fe
el things going wrong. My gut hurts when I’m hungry and hurts worse when I eat. The shape of my mouth has changed so much that I can’t chew or even close my mouth comfortably. My eyes are dry, but I can’t close my eyelids all the way. Nothing simple is simple anymore. I can’t get enough air through my nose when I try to breathe, and when I breathe through my mouth, my throat dries out until it cracks and I spit blood.” He looked around at them again and his eyes came to rest on Thymara. “That’s my life,” he said quietly. “Or my death. The death of someone who is changing, without a dragon to guide it. The death of someone who was born so Rain Wild touched that I can’t even live to be middle-aged, let alone old.”
Suddenly he was standing alone in their midst, with no one touching him. When he walked away from them, people parted wordlessly to let him pass. Alise stooped down and picked up the small glass bottle that had been dropped. She looked at it, then glanced at Sedric in consternation. “It looks like an ink bottle,” she said.
Sedric shrugged. His mouth was pinched and his face pale. He looked sick. Carson moved closer to him. Alise slowly turned her gaze on Leftrin. “It’s not true, is it? The hunter lied to that boy, didn’t he?”
Leftrin looked at her for a long, silent time. He glanced around at the watching keepers. “Someone thought they could force me to do something like that. Because they knew about Tarman, knew how much wizardwood was in him. But I never agreed to it, Alise. I never agreed to it, and I never planned to do it.”
A small wrinkle had formed between her eyes. “That’s what he was talking about that day, wasn’t it? Jess, that day in the galley? He thought that Sedric and I were here to help you?”
“He had a lot of peculiar ideas. But he’s gone now, Alise, and what I’m telling you is true. I never agreed to smuggle dragon blood or parts.” He looked at her and then added very quietly, “This I swear on Tarman. I swear it on my liveship.”
For a moment longer, Alise stood uncertain. Thymara watched her. She glanced from Leftrin to Sedric and back again. Then, Alise hooked her arm through Leftrin’s and looked only at him. “I believe you,” she said, as if she were making a choice. “I believe you, Leftrin.”
