UTTERLY WICKED
Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions
Dorothy Morrison
WillowTree Press
Copyright © by Dorothy Morrison
All rights reserved.
Cover Design Copyright © by Johnathan Minton
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Kindle Edition – 2010
DEDICATION
For Johnathan Minton, who on more occasions than I can count, has kept me safe and sane, and who on more occasions than he’ll ever know has saved a good portion of the world from becoming green, warty, and ribbety.
And...
For my wonderful Raven family, who has witnessed the worst of my cursing—both magical and otherwise—and still loves me in spite of it!
IN MEMORY OF
Ken Vanlieu,
who would have been just as excited about this book as I am.
I miss you!
And…
IN MEMORY OF
All those folks who once called me whitesy-lightsy.
(They should’ve known better!)
CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
PART ONE
CHAPTER 1: A HEX UPON THEE
Fire in the Hole * To Curse or Not to Curse: That is the Question * The Gimme Gumption Spell * Do You Have What it Takes * Is it a Hex—Or is it Memorex? * A Hex by Any Other Name * Hoodoo? You Do * Whose Curse is Worse?
CHAPTER 2: THE REAL DIRT ON THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
An Audience With The Queen * Cemetery Entrance Incantation * Digging Up Dirt * Dealing With Spirits * Getting Down to the Nitty Gritty * Getting the Scoop on Other Dirt * Charming the Dirt
CHAPTER 3: THE CURSE OF THE 11” FASHION DOLL
The Magical Poppeteer * Tools of the Trade * A Poppet by any Other Name * Personal Marks to Fuel the Sparks * The Personality Factor * Fashion Plate or Naked Wonder * Making the Doll Walk and Talk * Got Cavities? * The Nurse’s Curse * A Breath of Fresh Air * Creating the Poppet’s Assistant * Poppet Activation Ritual * Now What? * Disposal by Earth * Disposal by Water * Disposal by Fire * Disposal by Air
CHAPTER 4: IMMERSING THE CURSE
The Magic Built Within a Quilt * A Curse by Design: The Patch of Nine * Stitches That Bring Nervous Twitches * Disturbing the Peace with the Dream Police * Wicked Witchin’ in the Kitchen * Stirring the Pot * Food Enchantment Incantation * Magical Tidbits * The Gift That Keeps on Giving * Mind Games * The Key Ingredient * The Exercises
CHAPTER 5: DISPERSING THE CURSE
As the Cauldron Bubbles * Preparation Tips * What Form to Fix to Aid the Tricks * Incense * Oils * Powders * Washes * The Recipes * Life is Messy: Clean it Up * General Instructions for All Baths * The Beer Bath * The Vinegar Bath * The Uncrossing Bath * Alternative Cleansing
CHAPTER 6: REVERSING THE CURSE AND VEXING THE HEX
A Little Lesson in Energy * The Swifting of Energy * The Swifting Ritual * Homeland Security the Witch’s Way * Wash That Crap Right Out of Your Life * The Blue Uncrossing Bath * Security in a Bottle * The Witch’s Bottle * Fixing the Mother of all Screw Ups * The Poppet and Packet Racket * Putting a Hex or Curse in Magical Reverse * Curse Unraveling Ritual
PART TWO
CHAPTER 7: THE BAD, THE NASTY & THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY
Before We Begin * One Other Thing * Finally
* Automobiles, Parking Lots, and Traffic
* Bad Habits
* Business Dealings Gone Bad
* Chaos, Mayhem, and General Confusion
* Coffin Nails
* Court Cases and the Legal System
* Criminals
* Debt Retrieval
* Enemies
* Financial Ruin
* Gossip, Lies, and General Diarrhea of the Mouth
* Matters of the Heart
* Pay Back Time
* Pins and Needles
* Power Removal
* Protective Measures
* Relocation
* Revenge
* Separation
* Sexual Harassment
* Sleep Disorders
* Taglocks
* Torment, Irritation, and General Aggravation
* Vermin: Rats, Mice, Bedbugs, Etc.
* Workplace Woes
APPENDIX
Mail Order Resources
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I have wonderful childhood memories of climbing into bed with my mother for a nightly bedtime story. It was always something exciting—filled with good guys and bad guys and the choices that they made. Of course, the good guys always won. But not without severe hardship, difficult decision-making, and the gumption to stand up for themselves. And certainly not without the support of their friends.
Such was the case with this book. Obstacles appeared. Life got in the way. There were times that I wasn’t even sure I’d get through it. But still, I kept going, stopping for directions when I lost my way, and asking for assistance when the going got rough. And it’s to those folks who came to my aid that I owe a huge vote of thanks. I couldn’t have done this without you!
To my husband, Mark—whom I love and adore more than words can say—for his undying support, for putting up with all those strange goings-on in our house, and for understanding the importance of SIPS and HIPS left burning on the altar.
To my dear friend, M.R. Sellars, for the role he played in getting me to write this book, for sharing poppet ideas (who’d have thought that grown men played with fashion dolls?!), for countless hours of commiseration and brainstorming, and of course, for his delightful reaction to the Curse of the Plastic Headband. (Just so you know...my head’s back to normal now!)
To Dameon Wilburn, Celeste Stone, Mary Caliendo, and Bick Thomas, for sharing magical ideas, personal recipes, curses and hexes; for assisting in research; and just for being the wonderful folks they are.
To Christopher Penczak, for selflessly sharing his notes and thoughts on cursing tablets and giving me insight into these interesting devices.
To Karl Madden, for coining the phrase, “Queen Bitch of the Whole F***ing Universe,” and so generously sharing it with me.
To Z Harrell, for reminding me of the “oops factor,” and for loving me just the way I am. (I’d be lost without you!)
To David Norris for graciously allowing the use of his poems in this book and for applying personal ego boosts along the way.
To Kim Perkins-Murillo, for unwittingly supplying kicks in the ass when I needed them most.
To Kathy Epps, the Goddess of Editing, who makes me look so good in print without taking away my voice.
To WillowTree Press, who by publishing this book
, has proven itself to be the most gutsy and innovative house in the industry, bar none. I’ve never been more proud to be associated with a publishing house than I am with yours.
Finally, to everyone who’s ever screwed me over and said there was nothing I could do about it: I just did. You gave me the impetus to write this book and for that, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
INTRODUCTION
Wicked Witches.
Evil sorcerers.
Things that go bump in the night.
Whether through fairytales, nursery rhymes, or the occasional movie, these become a part of our lives long before we can walk or talk. They shape our innermost fears, have the ability to cause cold sweats, and reduce us to little more than a pair of shaking knees. Even so, they form an important and productive part of who we are, for by their very introductions into our lives, they also force us to plant those first seeds of courage, fertilize them into worthwhile battle tools, and bring them to harvest with the need to stand up for ourselves, our rights, and our beliefs. They are the very things that make us capable of screaming “Bull shit!” at the tops of our lungs, and simply refusing to take the crap anymore.
Not that any of it’s easy or quickly forthcoming. It takes time. So much time, in fact, that we usually ingest a lot of crap before refusing another helping. But eventually, we’re done. We look at the plates in front of us—the ones still heaped with all of that ghastly mess—and consider our options. And with the garbage can overflowing and nowhere else to toss that stuff, with churning bellies already so full of it that the very thought of swallowing anymore makes us gag, we push back our chairs and decide to make a stand.
Or not.
If the last two words apply to you, if you can bear the thought of being screwed over one more time, or if you think that every crisis in the world can be solved with love and good will, then take notice. I’ve written the next sentence just for you:
Close this book now and put it back on the shelf.
This is not a book for those who believe that life can be lived without ever harming anyone. This is not a book for those who are overly concerned with Karma, the Threefold Law, and the Golden Rule. Nor is it a book for the squeamish, the straight-laced, or the easily offended.
If you are any of these, I certainly wish you much luck on your path. But know that it would be in your best interest to take notice as well: Just refer to the italicized sentence above, and act in kind.
So, who precisely is this book for? It’s for those folks who are sick and tired of swallowing the bullshit served up by other people. It’s for those folks who are fighting mad and livid pissed. Yes, it’s for those folks who are tired of taking a screwing at every turn, who are ready to wage war, and who have finally mustered the gumption to do something about it.
In short, it’s for those folks who have what it takes to become the things that go bump in the night and aren’t afraid to go there.
If you’re that person, then read on. This is the book for you!
Although this book is sub-titled Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions, not everything you’ll find within its pages is designed to do someone harm. Its contents are, instead, designed to help you to manipulate undesirable circumstances, remove problem areas, and recreate your life into something worth living again. And no matter how you try to convince yourself otherwise, you can’t always do that without stepping on a few toes. You also need the right tools—tools, unfortunately, that folks neither want to talk about nor disclose—the very tools that I offer in this book.
For years, I went about the business of everyday living in much the same way as any number of other magical practitioners. I controlled my environment and my circumstances with a mixture of mundane action and magical assistance. I always looked for a solution that would benefit all involved. It worked and everyone was happy.
But then a series of events turned my life upside down. I tried everything in my magical repertoire, but nothing made the slightest bit of difference. I hit one brick wall after another as they collectively boxed me in and held me at bay. And that wonderful life I’d built? It suddenly seemed to take the proverbial form of quick sand, giving way beneath my feet and doing its damnedest to suck me under.
Now hitting brick walls has a way of getting my attention, and it wasn’t long before I realized that being nice simply wasn’t going to cut it. I was going to have to handle my problems in the same fashion they’d been dished out, and toss them back on terms my opponents could understand. Yes…I was going to have to buck up, grow a backbone, soar right past ugly and keep on going. In order to protect everything I held dear and make things right again, I was going to have to become that heart pumping nightmare from which there is no return—the one guaranteed to make cold sweat pop wetly onto the brow of the Wicked Witch, herself, and reduce her to little more than a quivering heap. Plain and simple, I was going to have to instill enough fear so that nobody would even dream of messing with me or mine again, much less try it.
And that’s precisely what I did.
Was it easy? Of course not. I talked to lots of people, did a ton of research and delved into some lesser known areas that might make other folks cringe. There was also more experimentation than I even want to think about. But the hardest part of it all was changing my mindset into something that would work toward the situation at hand rather than exacerbate it. At the end of it all, though, I not only found the exact tools necessary to solve my problem but the courage to implement them without so much as batting an eyelash.
That said, I pass these tools along to you, the reader. It’s my hope that you’ll use them wisely and not without severe provocation. When in doubt, just remember this: Never use a sledgehammer on a fly when a simple swat with the proper device will do. It only makes a mess that someone will have to clean up later—and that someone is likely to be you!
PART ONE
The Morrigan stirs
The ancient broth.
Her finger tests it to her taste.
Sometimes bitter,
Sometimes sweet,
She is creator of the brew
And we dispense it by our hand
To scald or freeze
Depending on the appetite
Of those who wait.
You cannot work the ancient fire
Without the means to scorch.
(Excerpted from Calliach Fire by David O. Norris © 2001)
CHAPTER 1
A HEX UPON THEE
I like people. For the most part, they’re a pleasant group who tend to cheer for the underdog, help their neighbors, and are unbelievably passionate about their beliefs. Add that to their individual quirks, eccentricities, and euphemisms, and they’re more entertaining than any show on Broadway.
Especially when they feel threatened.
When fear is involved, the flight or fight factor comes into play. And because we’ve all been taught that fighting is tantamount to inappropriate behavior, the thought of walking away from any threatening situation will certainly cross our minds. But since an integral part of the human condition is survival—and survival can be defined on many levels—the fight option crosses our minds too. We weigh our options, check our limitations, and make a decision. And all we can hope is that it’s the right one.
The same is true for magical practitioners. But what really confuses me is that, even with all the resources at their disposal—resources that others can’t even imagine—they’ll usually take the flight route and call it good. Why? Well, it’s a matter of personal belief systems. Some subscribe to the “harm none” sector of the Wiccan Rede. Others are concerned with the Threefold Law or the Laws of Karma. And with those in mind, they wouldn’t even dream of doing anything magically that wasn’t for the good of all. Regardless of the circumstances. Regardless of impending danger. Regardless of the personal harm that fleeing might bring to themselves or those they love.
If this line of thinking weren’t so ridiculous, I might be amused. B
ut it is. And I’m not.
Yes, I do subscribe to the version of the Wiccan Rede that says “…ever mind the law of three unless in self-defense it be…” But even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t feel any differently. That’s because the “harm none” section is included in every version of the Rede known to Wicca. And if we truly subscribe to the rules in any of those texts, it’s pretty clear that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be harmed either. We are, after all, part of that “none.”
But what if we don’t subscribe to the Rede? What if we live by the Threefold Law or the Laws of Karma instead? Well, I can promise you that neither of them is intended to set us up for serious damage, physical or otherwise. It’s highly unlikely that anything nasty would come back to us simply because we were defending ourselves. But if it did? Well, I’m willing to take that risk. Are you?
Though the Rede, the Threefold Law, and the Laws of Karma may apply to most of us, it may not apply to all. It could be that some of us live by the Golden Rule. (You know the one. It’s that rule that orders us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.) Well, it doesn’t hold water either. If I caused intentional harm to someone, I’d certainly expect for them to act in kind. Case closed.
Still not sure? Then consider this. If a serial killer were holding a gun to your head, a knife to your neck, or was delightedly slicing off bits of your flesh, would you be the least bit concerned about his well-being? Would you really give a rat’s ass if he was happy? Secure in his own skin? That he would somehow manage to get out of the situation safely and without personal, physical or psychological damage? Of course not! The rules would be damned, and all you’d care about would be getting away and seeing to it that he was too incapacitated to hurt you or anyone else ever again.
Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions Page 1
