by Suki Fleet
This would never have happened, though. The only reason it was happening now was because…. Nicky shook his head. He had no idea why they were doing what they were doing. “It’s been two years since anyone’s… touched me.” The words just came out. He wished he could swallow them back down. Saying them aloud made him feel empty and alone. He’d never been the most tactile person but, fuck, he never imagined how much he’d miss being held.
Cai, of course, got the wrong end of the stick. “Two years without any… sex?”
“Is that all you think about?”
Cai tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “No, not at all. The entire time I was in the YOI, holding someone like this would have been enough. I missed sex, obviously, but I missed cuddling more. Weird, eh?”
Nicky blinked at him, trying to figure him out. “So how long since you’ve fucked around with someone?”
“Before today? More than eighteen months.” Now Cai was smiling. It made Nicky feel weird. Good weird. Really good weird. “No wonder we went too far if we were both kinda gagging for it.”
Gagging for it? Nicky rolled his eyes. Then he turned his head and met Cai’s gaze close up. “Was it too far?”
Looking shocked, but amused, Cai pulled away entirely. Nicky missed his warmth. Wanted to drag him back. “You confuse the hell out of me, you know.”
“Thought you’d have figured out by now that I’m kind of messed up.”
Dropping his head back down and sending a warm rush of breath tingling down Nicky’s spine, Cai murmured, “Thought you’d have figured out by now that I don’t care what you think you are. I like you too much.”
A soft knock on the passenger window made them both jump.
Adrenaline surged through Nicky’s veins and instinctively he ducked and dragged Cai down with him into the foot well. Slinging his arm over Cai’s head, he readied himself to shield them from a blow that didn’t come.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s Loz.” Cai pushed himself upright.
Heart still racing, Nicky loosened his grip on Cai’s T-shirt and turned.
Face pressed up against the window, Loz looked between them and grinned like a satisfied fox. Oh, perfect. Just perfect.
“You two need to watch this,” Loz said, holding up a little black object. “It’s the CCTV from the fire.” Sophie came into view carrying what looked like a plastic takeaway bag. “And we brought dinner.”
CCTV
Keeping out the way, Cai poked the fire in the study while Soph and Loz sat side by side setting up the laptop that Loz had borrowed from school, and Nicky faffed around with his bits of paper so they could lay the takeaway out on the table. Nicky seemed to be doing his level best to avoid so much as looking in Cai’s direction, so Cai thought it was probably a good idea to give him a little bit of space.
Out in the van he’d felt so close to Nicky. So fucking close. Not even like sex close, more like oh fuck, this is exactly what I need right now close. But Nicky didn’t seem to be able to deal with opening up or making himself vulnerable at all, and he’d withdrawn again completely.
Watching the flames, Cai thought about the USB stick that apparently contained the CCTV footage from before the fire. Neither Soph nor Loz had said where the USB stick had come from, which gave him all sorts of deep-down bad feelings—because surely the police liked to keep their USB sticks of suspects to themselves. He trusted Soph to do the right thing and he trusted Loz—as much as he knew Loz—but sometimes there was such a small margin between doing what you thought was the right thing and fucking up badly because you didn’t see the consequences coming.
Soph and Loz seemed to think whatever the footage showed was a good thing. But Cai figured even if he was just brought in as a suspect, then discounted as the police carried out the rest of their enquiries, his probation would be affected and that could give them sufficient reason to detain him. If there was even the smallest chance this could somehow put him back inside, he needed to find out who had really done this and he needed to find enough proof for police, or he was fucked. He was probably fucked already. His probation officer had no doubt been informed by now and had been trying to get hold of him. Though as they only had the flat’s address and the landline he’d had to provide there, he could pretend it wasn’t his fault they couldn’t get in touch with him. But he knew how weak an excuse that was.
“Okay, it’s ready.” With a casual swipe, Loz brushed Nicky’s last pile of paper out of the way and off the table, then placed the laptop on the desk. Nicky narrowed his eyes and gave Loz such a comical glare as he picked the papers off the floor that Cai had to cover his laugh by coughing. If anything was going to help him forget about everything beyond this house, it was Nicky.
Oblivious to Nicky’s pantomime of annoyance, Loz made a space and grabbed a cushion off one of the chairs for him so he could sit down with them and watch. Which Nicky did, without a word.
Cai didn’t sit on the floor. He remained in his chair, his stomach in knots. A warm hand reached up and squeezed his. Soph.
“The CCTV is from different places on the estate, not just the pub. It’s only a couple of minutes long. We only watched bits of it earlier because we wanted to bring it home to you for you to see first. But we saw the guy. He only looks like you because he’s got the same build. He’s wearing a hat so you can’t even see his hair, and it’s too far away to see his face.”
“It’s nothing,” Loz added firmly. “The police have got nothing.”
Even if it was true somehow, it didn’t make Cai feel any better.
There was no sound. The first minute and a half were from the traffic cameras along the main road that wound through the estate. A few cars zoomed past, people waited at a bus stop, others hung around next to the only working set of phone booths on the entire estate—it looked like a normal day.
The CCTV from the pub came later, just a couple of seconds’ footage of the back of a guy walking along by the row of shops, with a plastic bag twisted around his fist. He paused in front of the bookies, his back still to the camera, and then disappeared inside what had been their front door. It happened so fast, it was impossible to tell if he’d had a key or if he’d broken in. The footage skipped forwards two minutes to where black smoke could be seen curled out of an open upstairs window. And that was it.
Soph was right. The guy was very much his build, but that was all. There were no clues as to who he was. Cai ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t want to admit that the CCTV hadn’t really helped since Soph and Loz were obviously trying hard.
“Shall we eat?” he asked instead, even though his appetite had vanished.
“No,” Nicky said quietly. He was on his knees in front of the laptop, his fingers touching the screen. “I need to watch it again.”
There was something in Nicky’s tone that made Cai shiver, and at the same time long to put his arms around Nicky’s shoulders and hold him tight.
The footage started up again from the beginning. Nicky’s head was in the way of the screen, so they all had to shift closer to see. Cai had no idea what Nicky was waiting for, or what he’d seen, but Nicky was poised, shoulders tensed, like a cat ready to pounce. The seconds ticked by and nothing happened. Then a red car appeared, distinctive only because Nicky’s hand shot out and he followed its path with his finger. It was a Jag. An old one, on its way out of the estate. The footage was too blurry to make out the driver or the number plate.
The car was only on the screen for a couple of seconds, and then the CCTV switched to the footage from the pub. As soon as the car disappeared, Nicky rewound the video and watched it again.
“Do you recognise that car?” Loz asked, sounding perplexed after Nicky had rewound the short section of video for the third time.
Beginning to feel irritable, his nerves frayed, Cai said, “Does it even matter? The car is driving away from the scene before the fire, not to it.”
He got to his feet. The CCTV should have been helpful, but it
wasn’t. Cai was tired and wanted some time to figure out what had happened between him and Nicky this afternoon. And more than anything, he wanted to not be stuck trying to prove himself innocent before the police decided he was guilty.
“The sequence is messed up. The car leaves after the fire has started,” Nicky said, rewinding again.
They all leaned forwards. The numbers at the bottom were too blurry to make out.
“How do you know?” Loz asked, before Cai could get the words out.
“The people waiting for the bus are gone, and the next bus wasn’t due until 3:15. After the fire started. Look.” Nicky rewound the tape again so they could see an earlier bit of footage from across the street, showing the digital sign inside the bus stop that indicated when the next bus was going to arrive. “The timestamp on the first bit of pub footage is 3:06, then it jumps to 3:08 with the smoke.”
“So this car drives out of the estate five minutes after the fire starts? It still doesn’t mean the person driving had anything to do with the fire.” Cai was tired and confused.
“I don’t know what the fuck it means about the fire.” Nicky got to his feet and gracefully avoided Cai to reach the desk. “This isn’t a coincidence.”
“What isn’t?”
“Lance’s fucking car,” Nicky snapped.
He reached up to the shelf behind him and began pulling off book after book and piling them up on top of the desk. Dust flew. Soph sneezed and Loz quickly closed the laptop. They both shot perplexed glances at Cai.
This was Nicky wound up and distraught. Cai didn’t like it. He also didn’t like that they were all stuck in this tiny room on top of one another, when it was clear Nicky needed a bit of space.
Cai grabbed the takeaway bag and handed it to Soph. Soph took the hint, and she and Loz headed into the far corner of the room, with all the shadows and stacked-up chairs. It was frustrating that they had this whole monster of a house around them and they were stuck in this tiny little square of it.
Asking Nicky about Lance’s car was what Cai wanted to do, but he didn’t. Instead he stepped around the desk and began to shift the books off the top of it into a teetering pile on the floor. A process he’d seen Nicky repeat many times. After a few minutes Nicky began to hand him books directly. When the bookshelf was empty, they refilled it with books from other piles on the floor. They must have worked like that, side by side, in silence, for half an hour, rearranging shelf after dusty shelf.
Loz and Soph were murmuring quietly in the corner, the laptop open beside them for light. So involved with one another that Nicky and Cai could have been piling books on the moon.
All at once Nicky stopped, sank down to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest. Between the desk, the wall and the new towers of books, there wasn’t much room, but Cai squeezed himself in the space next to Nicky. Their thighs were not quite touching but almost. Cai’s hands felt grimy with dust. He rubbed them together, trying not to think about dead skin cells and insect bones.
“They came here and towed it away. Lance’s car. After. I watched it go.” Nicky’s voice was empty.
Cai wasn’t sure if Nicky was upset because he was sad about Lance and seeing the car had brought it all back, or because of some other reason. It made it hard to know what the right thing to say was. “It was probably sold, though, right? Someone from town could have bought it.”
“How? How could they have sold it? It’s part of Lance’s estate and the will hasn’t been read yet. Who would have sold it?”
“It’s a pretty common car….”
“You know what I’m good at after being shut in this fucking house for two years?” Even in the gloom, Nicky’s eyes glittered. “Details.” Nicky turned. “The rear hubcap on the left doesn’t match the others. It’s newer. Lance was annoyed with the garage for not finding an older one that didn’t shine so much. The rear windscreen wiper gets stuck halfway across the rear windscreen and stays there until someone moves it by hand. The hood ornament is a raven and not a jaguar. Not so fucking common.” Nicky’s chest was heaving. “Don’t fucking look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you pity me,” Nicky spat.
“I don’t!” He did. Nicky glared. “Okay, maybe I do, but… not like you think. I… I don’t understand why you’ve been shut in this house for two years. I want to help you.” Talk to me. Please.
Nicky turned his head away, his shoulders stiffened. Shut down.
Then out of nowhere he murmured, “You’re not the only one that’s lost everything.”
Bodies, Nicky, still…
Nicky dreamed about fire. He dreamed he was in the warehouse Cai had burned down. He dreamed he was trapped but he wasn’t trapped alone. And yet he was the only one left alive.
Bodies, Nicky.
And then he was awake—heart pounding in the dark, too scared to breathe, too scared to move.
A soft shuffle of movement—someone turning in their sleep. Cai. Three feet away. An arm’s length. A safe distance. An infinitely reachable distance. But… Nicky had to know.
The embers of the fire glowed a sunset of oranges and reds. Nicky stared at them as he silently swung his legs around and got up. He grabbed a blanket off the chair and tiptoed barefoot to the door. When he opened it, he found he was stuck on the threshold, unable to move. Still stuck in his dream, afraid.
Did you go down to the cellar, Nicky? A memory whispered in his ear. Lance. No. Nonononononono. Nicky had never been in the cellar. He’d sworn it.
But he had lied.
And lied. And lied. And he’d lived that lie. He’d had to.
But he couldn’t live with it now. He had to know. To really know.
It doesn’t mean anything, Cai
Cai woke. Something wasn’t right.
He turned. Nicky’s chair was empty. His blanket was gone and the door open.
Before he knew what he was doing, Cai was in the corridor, the little lantern swinging from his hand. He looked towards the entrance hall, then towards the kitchen. He listened and he listened. And it wasn’t even as though he heard anything, it was more like a tugging deep inside him, this way. Through the kitchen he ran and across into another short corridor.
He stopped.
Nicky was standing at the top of the cellar steps. The cellar door was open. The darkness within it yawned blackly around him. And Cai had an irrational fear it was going to reach out and swallow Nicky down before he reached him.
“Nicky?” Cai said before he got too close.
Nicky had told Cai he was rubbish at being quiet, but still, Cai didn’t want to frighten him.
Nicky didn’t move. Cai could hear him breathing quick and fast, as though he was on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Nicky?” he said again, worried.
Making a sound more like a sob than a gasp, Nicky turned and Cai saw he wasn’t hyperventilating at all, he was crying. Without thinking, Cai stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around Nicky’s trembling shoulders, holding him tight. Immediately, Nicky pushed him away.
“There was a lock on the cellar. It’s fucking gone.” Nicky’s voice shook.
“I took it off and put it on the study. I’m sorry. It was the only bolt I could find and—”
“It was padlocked. Don’t fuck with me.”
“I’m not. I broke the padlock open to get the bolt off.”
With a surprising burst of energy, Nicky shoved him hard against the wall, dug his fingers into Cai’s chest. It hurt but Cai just held his hands up and let him. “Hey,” he said softly. “Hey.”
Nicky’s shoulders heaved with fractured sobs. Slowly he splayed his palms and stopped pushing.
When he spoke, Nicky’s voice was hoarse, his eyes glassy even in the dim light. “How do I know there was a fire at your flat? How do I know why you’re really here? How do I know you’re not part of some elaborate plan to make me feel safe, then hurt me? Hurt me so much worse. How do I fucking know?”
; Cai opened his mouth, then closed it again.
He thought for a moment. “You up for another drive?”
With Nicky trailing after him, Cai woke Loz and Soph. The four of them piled in the van. Loz and Soph squashed up on the single seat in the back, and Nicky sat tense and curled in on himself beside Cai in the passenger seat, his hair wrapped in his hands. According to the van’s clock it was half past three. The van’s clock wasn’t particularly trustworthy, but it didn’t really matter what the time was—the world was dark, silent and on hold.
Not a single car passed them until they reached the outskirts of the town and a lightless black Renault overtook them at speed.
Nicky’s hands were now fists in his lap and he looked as though he was grinding his teeth, but he showed no signs of hyperventilating.
On the edge of the Greenhills estate, Cai slowed. “I’m just going to drive past, and then we’ll go. I won’t stop.”
Cai had come here for Nicky, to show him the truth, or at least as much of it as he could show him. He hadn’t prepared himself for the sadness that welled in his chest as the pub came into view. He turned the corner and it just looked so wrong.
The little row of shops was dark and devastated. Melted glass glittered in the van’s headlights. Cai switched them off and drove closer. The pavement in front of the shops was cordoned off, every window boarded up, and the obligatory spray of graffiti made the place look as though it had been this way for years, not days.
Desperately trying to keep a handle on his emotions, Cai turned the van around in the little car park he’d begun to think of as his and drove away.
He wasn’t thinking about where, he just turned if the road ran out and took the path of least resistance, over and over, until a playing field blocked his way and he could go no further. He stopped, the engine still running. His hands felt glued to the steering wheel. He could hear his breathing.
Loz broke the silence. “Me and Soph are just going to go sit on that bench over there and get a bit of fresh air.”
