by Red Green
So if you’re feeling your life is over and you blew it, remember—it’s only half over, and you only half blew it. And then get out there and finish the job.
HOW NOT TO DRIVE LIKE YOUR DAD
No one in your family has the nerve to tell you, so I will. I’ve seen you driving around town, turning without signalling or driving too slowly, turning right from the left-turn lane, parking your car half on the sidewalk. The fact is, you’re starting to drive like your dad. Nothing is scarier than a little man in a big car, peeking over the dashboard with a sour look on his face.
Now, some say losing your driving skills is just nature’s way of thinning the herd, but I say give it up. And I say that knowing you won’t. Because every man I’m referring to figures I’m referring to someone else.
At your age, you really only drive to your job, your lodge, your grocery store, the gas station, and maybe your church. Plot out each route carefully and memorize all the proper procedures to get there using turn signals and brakes. Try to stay up near the speed limit. It’s printed on big signs at the side of the road. Once you have that circuit down, you won’t be such a menace anymore.
HOW TO BE THE LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY
Treasure Hunt
When you’re at someone’s house and she’s busy in the kitchen with some type of fire, pry off one of the furnace vents and drop in a really old egg. Replace the vent and wait for the fun to start. The game is over when somebody finds the egg or the guests pass out or the hostess insists it’s time for Grandpa to see a specialist.
Doggy, Doggy, Who’s Got the Bone?
For this game, everyone sits in a circle or an ellipse, depending on the room’s shape. One contestant leaves the room, and while he’s gone, one of the people in the circle consumes seven or eight martinis in as many minutes. The contestant returns to the room and tries to guess who had the drinks. He is allowed to check your breath for traces of olives, ask you to perform a motor skill, or demand that you sing one of the up-tempo numbers from Mary Poppins. Although the first round is pretty obvious, the game gets more difficult as the evening progresses. The game is over when you run out of martinis or the paramedics arrive.**
Chainsaw Puzzle
Exactly like a jigsaw puzzle. Well, not exactly. Instead of a jigsaw, you use a chainsaw to make the puzzle. And instead of a picture of some Mediterranean village, you saw up an old chair, a broken freezer, or a used car. And you don’t bother putting it back together again—that’s boring. But like a jigsaw puzzle, a chainsaw puzzle is frequently missing one piece at the end … although it’s usually a piece of someone who stood too close.
Ego Pursuit
Get out one of the popular trivia games and divide the players into teams. Play the game as per the instructions, with the teams taking turns asking each other questions. The game is played exactly as explained by the manufacturer with one important difference—ALL ANSWERS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS CORRECT.
Example
Team 1: Who was the twenty-third president of the United States?
Team 2 : Colonel Sanders.
Team 1: Correct.
Or
Team 2 : What is the name of the fifth planet from the sun?
Team 1: Stan.
Team 2 : Right on!
Each team is also obliged to compliment the answer.
Example
Team 1: What is the main ingredient in Hollandaise sauce?
Team 2 : Holland.
Team 1: Yes! Good work! Excellent! Wow, you sure know stuff. Do you have a B.A. in general arts?
The winner is the team whose members end up feeling the best about themselves.
Other games I have enjoyed but don’t have the space to describe include the following:
• Spin the Assault Weapon
• Turkey in the Trousers
• Whose Shoes?
• Simon and Garfunkel Say
• Follow the Leaper
• Thud That Dud Spud, Bud
• Blindman’s Buff
• I Spy with My Little Nose
• Hide and Leave
• Hops ‘n’ Scotch
• Pin the Tail on Someone Tying His Shoes
• Bust a Belly Button
• Kick My Can
HOW TO SAVE FACE
How often has this happened to you? You encounter a friend or acquaintance who inquires about your family and struggle to find a polite way of explaining that your spouse has run off with a stump puller. Here we show you the wrong way and the right way to smooth over these socially awkward moments. And all without telling a single little white lie!
Awkward Situation #1
Incorrect
Friend: “How’s that son of yours doing?”
You: “He’s in prison for armed robbery.”
Correct
Friend: “How’s that son of yours doing?”
You: “He’s with the government. Full time. Department of correctional services. Got his own office. And they’ve guaranteed him at least seven years.”
Awkward Situation #2
Incorrect
Friend: “How’s your wonderful wife?”
You: “She ran off with my best friend.”
Correct
Friend: “How’s your wonderful wife?”
You: “Great. In all the time I’ve known her, she hasn’t been happier. She’s just full of fun and finally enjoying life.”
Awkward Situation #3
Incorrect
Friend: “So how are things at work?”
You: “I was fired so they could make a profit.”
Correct
Friend: “So how are things at work?”
You: “Great. The place is finally making a profit. And I was the one who made the difference.”
Awkward Situation #4
Incorrect
Friend: “You look different. Did you get a haircut?”
You: “No, I put on twenty pounds, went on a nine-week bender, fell down drunk, and broke my nose.”
Correct
Friend: “You look different. Did you get a haircut?”
You: “Yep.”
Awkward Situation #5
Incorrect
Friend: “How’s your father-in-law?”
You: “Nasty, stupid, rude, ignorant, bossy, unclean, overbearing, insensitive, and unpleasant.”
Correct
Friend: “How’s your father-in-law?”
You: “Same as always.”
Awkward Situation #6
Incorrect
Friend: “So what’s new with your grandfather?”
You: “He’s stone dead.”
Correct
Friend: “So what’s new with your grandfather?”
You: “Oh, you know … he can’t complain. He’s out of that old folks’ home he hated so much. And the kids seem to like him a lot more lately.”
THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING UGLY
Over the years I’ve met a number of good-looking people and a whole lot of ugly ones, and I think the ugly people have more fun. The beautiful ones get people staring at them all the time, and giving them important jobs with responsibility, and trying to have sex with them at various sporting events and hardware conventions. When you’re ugly, nobody bothers you like that. And when you’re good-looking, everybody expects you to be stupid. Whereas when you’re ugly, people assume you’re smart, and as long as you don’t ever say or do anything, they’ll keep that opinion. That’s why most politicians are ugly.
The only downside to being unattractive is the “pity factor.” I don’t want anybody feeling sorry for me because I’m not handsome. I look at it this way: no matter how good you look now, you’re going to be ugly someday. Look at anybody over a hundred. That’s how we’re all going to look eventually. We’re all going to be ugly sometime in the future. Those of us who are ugly now are just mature beyond our years.
HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
The secret to a strong marriage is to share
each other’s interests. Or better still, to have her share your interests. Now, statistics show that a large percentage of women don’t enjoy fishing. (And statistically women live longer than men, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.)
So here are ten sure-fire “lines” that will “lure” your spouse to get “hooked” on fishing. Good luck, “chum.”
Most Effective
1) “Did you know that fish oil can remove wrinkles from a person’s skin? Scaling as few as five bass can make you look years younger.”
2) “There’s something really romantic about the sun rising on a lake in the middle of nowhere when it’s freezing cold.”
3) “Trolling for bass is all the rage in New York.”
4) “Why is it that hip waders make a person look fifteen pounds thinner?”
Less Effective
5) “If there are any minnows left over, you can dip them in lacquer and make beautiful earrings out of them.”
6) “When I’m fishing, I don’t talk.”
7) “The kids won’t be coming along.”
Least Effective
8) “Fishing could save us a bundle of money. I mean, it’s free food! All we pay for is the gas, the bait, the beer, the parking, the boat-launching fees, the lures, the rods, and the sunburn cream.”
9) “Don’t worry about bugs—the bats eat them.”
10) “The great thing is you can go to the bathroom right over the side of the boat.”
HOW TO GO WEEKEND CAMPING
Step One
Go on Tuesday. Avoid the crowds.
Step Two
You’ll need a good excuse to get off work or to escape from your loved ones or any other unpleasant responsibilities. A good way to do that is to put your own obituary in the paper. This will stop people from looking for you—but it only works once.
Step Three
Borrow a tent, bedroll, camp stove, hamper, cooler, and portable TV from a friend you can afford to lose. Heave it all into your vehicle. Back out of your driveway and immediately pull into the passing lane. Press your right foot on the accelerator and your left hand on the horn, and maintain that position until you run out of gas or hit something, which will signify that it’s time to start camping.
Step Four
If there are other campers already there, go to the biggest, most tattooed guy and have him throw a beer bottle as far as he can. Make sure you camp beyond that. If you don’t feel like pitching your own tent, pretend you’re having trouble with it and for sure a liberated woman will stop and do it for you. Exchanging physical work for minor humiliation is an acceptable trade-off.
Step Five
Instead of building a campfire, find a tall, dry tree and ignite it. Not only is this an excellent source of heat and light, but it also will keep away the bugs and people who wear a lot of hairspray, like television evangelists or professional bowlers. For fun, toast up some marshmallows till they’re hot and gooey and then drop them on the faces of your sleeping friends. When it’s time to put the fire out, beer makes an excellent extinguisher, as long as you drink it first.
Step Six
Unroll your sleeping bag on a soft, dry surface, such as someone else’s sleeping bag. When the owner comes looking, say his bag was swiped by the tattooed guy who threw the bottle. Once you’re snug in your sleeping bag, make the loudest and most offensive body noises you can. This will send a clear message to the other campers and the animal kingdom that nobody should mess with you, because you’re too busy messing with yourself.
Step Seven
On the off chance that you live until morning, get up quietly and collapse everybody else’s tents. This will create a certain amount of confusion and even hostility, so none of them will notice you siphoning their gas.
Step Eight
Grab an armful of other people’s cookware and hit the road. The disappointment of having to return to your job or family will be offset by the fun of whipping pots and pans at hitchhikers.
Step Nine
Go back to your normal life and count the days until Tuesday.
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL INTERLUDE
The Red Green Show was not my first stab at television. That surprises most people who’ve seen it. Over the years, I’ve hosted a large number of outdoors shows and nature films. Here’s some of my other work, which you may or may not have seen and/or enjoyed. I have everything I’ve ever done recorded on tape (mostly Beta and some eight-tracks).
The Lure of Lures (1971–74). Lure-Id Films, Inc. 26 episodes. Every week I talked for a half-hour about fishing lures. My guests included a very young Michelle Pfeiffer. This series can sometimes be seen in reruns after 4 a.m. on small cable channels during thunderstorms.
“Mr. Bait” Commercials (1975–77). I was the official spokesperson for the Mr. Bait Shop in town. I loaned my face and good name to promote their fine line of fishing bait. Most people don’t remember seeing me in those commercials—perhaps because my face was somewhat obscured by the giant worm costume.
Run, Kids! It’s a Big, Bad Fire! (1978). This was a film I made for the local fire department. It was an educational film warning schoolchildren about the dangers of playing with matches. To save money, we filmed it at my house. Ironically, one of the bright movie lights set fire to a stack of empties and burned the place down. The profits from the film almost covered the $500 deductible on my fire insurance policy.
Let’s Fry Something Good (1980–83). Fry Films, Inc. 45 episodes. This was a cooking show I did with my wife, Bernice. Each week she would fry up a different meal—fish, chicken, spaghetti. I would sit on a stool and banter with her and ask questions like “Is that a real apple?” At the end of the show, I would taste what Bernice had prepared and smile at the camera and go “MmmmmmMMM!” (Golly, that was acting.) Series was cancelled when my cholesterol level surpassed our ratings.
Understanding Computers (1984). An educational TV series about understanding and using your brand-new home computer. I hosted the show and played the part of the viewer—the person who knows nothing about computers. Over the series, I learned all about software and hardware and so on from my tutor—played by my then five-year-old nephew. The show had a good budget, a great time slot, and lots of snazzy special effects. Our only mistake was choosing the Mattel Intellivision as our computer.
Cars and Bikinis (1985). Headlight Productions. Pilot episode only. This was a great idea that never went to series. Kind of like Baywatch, but with cars too. Just too ahead of its time.
Explosions! (1986). BoomBoom Films. Pilot episode only. This was an educational series about the history of things blowing up. An unfortunate incident during filming shut the project down. Later, the A&E network bought the idea off me for thirty dollars and retitled it Brute Force, and it was a hit. Timing is everything. As we learned during that unfortunate accident during filming.
Buster and the Fat Man (1987–88). Thriller Productions. (Made for the Canadian cable TV channel Mystery Movies of the Week.) I moved behind the camera to try my hand at writing, directing, producing, set designing, costume designing, lighting, gripping, publicizing, and editing. Concept: a couple of wisecracking detectives walk a fine line between danger and comedy and justice. The Fat Man is an ex-cop and circus sword swallower. Buster is a former con, born in England, raised by wolves, now rebuilding his life. I reused a lot of footage from Explosions! and Cars and Bikinis. It was a great concept, lots of fun, but making the two lead characters Siamese twins was, in hindsight, a mistake. The titles of the four movies are Dial 911 for Murder; Love, Larceny, and Larry; The Maltese Possum; and Murder Most Lousy. These movies can still be seen in reruns at my house when there’s nothing else on and I’m feeling sorry for myself.
Acid Rain! What Acid Rain? (1988). The Association of Canadian Mining Corporations. 22 minutes. Another educational film I made on behalf of some very big companies. During filming, I learned a whole bunch of stuff about the environment I didn’t know before. The upbeat message of this film is
that Mother Nature is a lot more resilient than we think.
HOW TO CREATE THREE CHARMING DECORATOR ACCENTS FROM STUFF YOU’D NORMALLY THROW OUT
Bowling Ball Flowerpot
Got an old bowling ball that’s dented or broken or always flies into the gutter for some reason? Don’t toss it. Turn it into a lovely ebony flower holder.
