by Robert McKay
"Neither can I," said Alice. Lyla pulled a sword belt out of her pack and helped her buckle it on.
"Bah, you don't have to flatter me," said Lyla, but her black eyes held a proud glint.
"Well, this is the place," said Dum, stepping up to the door of the only well maintained building in the area.
The building didn't look like much from far away, but from closer up it was an immaculate house, more of a mansion, really. It seemed better suited for a country setting with a dirt path leading up to the home. Instead, it was surrounded by asphalt. There wasn't even really a yard to speak of. Most of the greenery in front of it was kept in large pots. Only a couple of large trees had spots punched through the asphalt and into the ground.
One tree in particular caught the eye. It was a large fruit tree, but it looked rather peculiar because of the many different shades of the leaves. Alice stepped close and noticed that there were plums, peaches, and several other varieties of fruits that she didn't immediately recognize, all growing on the same tree. On closer inspection there were a lot more types of branches that weren't currently producing fruit.
"That's impossible," said Alice, for what felt like the hundredth time.
"The caterpillar loves rare things," said Lyla. "Maybe that's why he's taken an interest in you."
Alice blushed and tilted her head down to look at Dum's shirt between her knees. "I'm just a girl."
"Well," said Lyla, "no 'just a girl' I know has left her home planet, stolen from the queen, cut off one of her guest's hands, and gotten shrunk down to mouse size all in the course of a day."
"But most of those are things that just happened. They don't really make me rare or special."
"Life just happens, Alice. What makes us special is how we react to it."
Alice didn't know what to say to that, so she stayed silent.
Dum, who had obviously been waiting for them to finish their conversation, reached up and knocked on the door. It made a resounding thunk. One of the thugs that had menaced at Absolem’s side opened the door, a gun in his hand.
"You don't have an appointment," said the thug. He waved the gun back out toward the sidewalk. "Bugger off."
Dee growled and reached for his pack, obviously intending to do violence. "I'll show you our appointment, you little toad." The man didn't seem at all phased by Dee, who stood a full head above him and probably weighed twice as much.
"Tell Absolem that young Alice is here to see him," said Dum, placing a meaty hand on his brother's arm to stop him from pulling out an axe.
"Who the hell is Alice, and why would Absolem care?" asked the thug, looking around the stoop to see if there were other hidden characters lurking.
"Young Alice is right here," said Dum. He knelt so that the thug was on a good level to see her and Lyla perched on his shoulder. "And I think that's exactly why he would care."
The thug stepped closer and squinted at Alice, his terrible breath blowing over her in a hot wave. He smelled like alcohol and cigarettes mixed with rotting meat. "Oh, it's the brat that thought she was a pirate, and now she's the size of a rat. Brat, rat." He laughed to himself. "Look, I'm a poet and didn't even know it. This should be good for a laugh." The thug stepped back away from the door to allow them to come in. “Take off your shoes.”
They stepped from the grimy outside and into opulence. The floors in the entryway were marble and a grand staircase curved up from either side to the second floor of the house. A table in front of them held a crystal sculpture of a gigantic butterfly that wasn't held up with any sort of mechanism that Alice could detect. It seemed to just float there. She longed to run her hands around it to see if there were tiny wires that she just couldn't see. Sadly, she was too small to do so without a lot of help and it seemed more inappropriate to ask Dum to do it for her.
"Wait here while I tell Absolem," said the thug. He'd holstered his gun, but in another entryway, his companion stood with his own trained on them.
The first thug walked out of the room to their right and into a massive living space covered with plush couches and chairs that sat on more marble floors. In front of them sat thick rugs with lots of fine details. The caterpillar was obviously doing well in his affairs and that was probably in part due to his requirement for payment. Alice wasn't very optimistic about her chances of getting help from him.
At the far end of the room, the thug stopped and spoke quietly to a figure that was hidden around a corner. At his feet could be seen just a small bit of blue that could have been a strangely colored ottoman if it didn't have several small feet under it. As Alice watched, it began to undulate and then disappeared around the corner for a moment to be replaced by the large bulk of Absolem's upper body. He didn't acknowledge them standing at his front door. He simply creeped up onto a long sofa that had to have been specially built for him and reclined there, picking up the tube to a hookah and settling it into his mouth.
The thug with the gun off to the left said, "Absolem will see you now," and waved them into the living room. The thug who had greeted them at the door had taken up a standing position behind the couch where Absolem sat.
Dee walked boldly forward on his stocking feet, and Dum followed, his head turning every direction. Alice followed his gaze and found many more of Absolem's men watching from the second story, guns pointed down at them. They seemed bored and ready to do some shooting.
Alice tried to ignore them so that she would be able to speak without a quaver in her voice. If she was going to enlist the caterpillar's help, she needed to sound confident, not like a little girl who was about to cry. Focusing on the rest of the living room helped. There were several more of the crystal sculptures positioned around the room, all seeming to float on air, each of them depicting a different nature scene. In one corner was a waterfall that was falling up into a pool on the ceiling. Once they were fully into the room the subtle sounds became noticeable, as well as the slight green tint to the light. It was as if they were walking into a forest clearing and there was wildlife and plants just out of sight, though none were really in evidence. With all the plants outside, it was clear that there could have been more inside. The choice had been made to exclude them to enhance the wonder of the special effects in the room.
Dee and Dum stepped up to face the caterpillar, neither of them seeming to take notice of the splendor around them. They eyed the sofa behind them, but remained standing. "I present young Alice," said Dum formally, gesturing to his shoulder.
"Ah yes, Alice, you've changed so much since last we met," said Absolem, puffing his hookah. "Is it possible that it's been just a day?"
"Yes, I seem to have shrunk," said Alice.
"Oh, have you?" asked the caterpillar, squinting at Alice though his haze of smoke. "I hadn't noticed. Your stature is of no consequence. Sometimes I am this size and other times, smaller than even you. The changes of which I spoke are nothing to do with your size."
"So you do know how to make me large again?" asked Alice hopefully.
"Again, size is of no consequence. I know how to make you great." He smiled at her serenely, his many hands, or feet—it was hard to know what to call them—flexing and closing. "Wouldn't you much rather be great than large?"
Alice suppressed the urge to argue. Argument never got you anywhere in Wonderland. "But if I could be, why shouldn't I want to be both great and large?"
"Ha! You truly have grown so much since we last spoke. It's a wonder that you're able to sit on your manservant's shoulder." Absolem leaned forward, his large, worm-like bulk lifting off the couch, improbably hanging in the air so that he could bring his face close to hers. "You have finally learned the art of Wonderland society. Why answer a question when you could instead pose your own question in return?"
Alice thought carefully for a moment before giving her response. It had to be carefully crafted. "It did take some getting used to, but how could I have failed when I had such a masterful teacher as yourself?"
"Splendid!" shouted the c
aterpillar, falling back onto his couch. His whole body shook with deep, rumbling laughter. His hands flailed about so much that he nearly yanked his hookah right off the table. A servant that couldn't have been there just a moment ago stepped up and righted it before it fell and just as promptly faded back into the background. His laughter carried on so long that soon everyone joined in, including his henchmen up on the second floor. His laughter died off slowly and he turned back to Alice with a wry smile. "Let's dispense with the niceties of society and get down to business, shall we?" Absolem snorted. "I swear, that last one was an accident. It's hard to turn off once you get going."
Alice watched the caterpillar warily. She didn't think him mad any more, he was merely strange. So at least he might be rational in some situations. "I'm sure you've already deduced my reason for coming to you," said Alice, waving a hand down at her body.
"Actually, I don't understand at all," said the caterpillar, puffing a fresh blast of smoke in her direction. "I already, by a strange coincidence indeed, gave you exactly what you need to solve your current minuscule predicament."
"So, the mushroom will make me large again?" asked Alice.
"It will," said Absolem. "But I must confess, I’m curious as to what made you small in the first place."
Alice opened her mouth and was about to tell Absolem that it was drinking Tea that made her small, but then she remembered something she'd read in one of her pirate books. Never give information away for free. Most times it's more valuable than gold. Instead she was silent for a moment and shared a private smile with Lyla, hoping to deepen the mystery. "Well, I could be persuaded to tell you if I could get another of those mushrooms you gave me."
Absolem narrowed his eyes at her and frowned. "It doesn't matter to me one way or the other. Just a bit of idle curiosity."
"Well, then, if it doesn't matter, I guess I'll keep my business to myself," said Alice, keeping her face as neutral as she could manage. She could tell he was interested. Powerful people like him weren't used to being told they couldn't have something they wanted.
"Oh, come now, no need to be unreasonable. If you have something of worth to offer me in addition to the information, I may be persuaded to part with a mushroom for you."
Alice sighed. It had been worth a try, but Absolem wasn't going to give her a mushroom just to satisfy his curiosity. "The only thing I have is worth much more than some stinky old mushroom," said Alice sulkily.
"You can't give it to him, Alice," whispered Lyla. "It's part of Seamus' vision. You're going to need it."
"Now you do truly have my attention," said Absolem, rubbing his many hands together greedily. "An item of great value that's associated with a prophecy from the mad hatter?"
Alice frowned at Lyla. Apparently whispering, even from a dormouse, didn't seem to get past the great blue caterpillar. "Dee, show him the sword."
Dee slowly reached up and pulled the sword from his waist. The sound of cocking guns could be heard from the second floor. Absolem held up one of his hands and waved them off.
"Bring it to me," called the caterpillar, gesturing Dee forward. "That does look like a rare specimen indeed." He leaned forward and then tilted his head back. "Glasses!" A short man in a servant's uniform trotted up and offered the caterpillar a pair of simple wire framed spectacles. Absolem settled them on his face, perching them on a pair of his hands which seemed to serve in place of a nose. The servant trotted away and the caterpillar leaned forward, hovering over the sword that Dee presented. "Those runes, I haven't seen the like in decades. What do they say?"
"Snicker-snack," said Alice, a bright smile on her face.
Absolem reared back as if he'd been bitten, holding his hands out in front of him. Even the ones acting as his nose made the clear gesture to stop, causing his glasses to drop to the rug with a soft thump. "Get that thing away from me," he shouted. "Get it out of my house!"
"But, it's all that I have for trade," said Alice, confusion wrinkling her brow.
"Get that thing as far away from here as you can and maybe I won't have you killed," roared Absolem. Servants were massing around him in confusion, hoping to do something to calm their master.
Dee pulled the sword back and returned it to the sheath at his waist. He looked askance at Dum, who in turn looked down at Alice on his shoulder.
"Why are you acting like this?" asked Alice, not sure what else to do. She had to get a mushroom, or she would be stuck like this.
"You stole something from the queen and are bringing it into my household. Everyone knows the queen puts tracking devices in everything she values." Absolem heaved his bulk off of the couch and trundled over to the nearest window. "Her guards are probably outside already."
"I can't leave until I get a mushroom," replied Alice, her tiny voice raising an octave. "I won't be able to defend myself if she comes for me."
"Fine, fine," grumbled Absolem. "Servant, bring these people one of the mushrooms so that they will get out of here with haste."
"Thank you," said Alice.
"Don't thank me," said Absolem, turning to glare at Alice. "It's just easier to do this than having the guards shoot you and having to deal with the mess. Be thankful that I just reupholstered this room."
One of the uniformed servants stepped up beside Dum and held out his hand, a small, plain looking toadstool sat on his palm. Dum took it and sat it between Alice and Lyla on his shoulder.
Alice looked from the mushroom, which was nearly as large as she was, back to Absolem. He didn't seem as angry as his bluster. Mostly, he just seemed nervous. "I'm sorry if I brought you any trouble, Absolem. I didn't mean to. And if it makes any difference, I was shrunk by drinking the Tea at Tea Time."
For a moment the worry slid from the caterpillar's face. "Well, that is interesting indeed. I've never heard of such a thing happening. Maybe it's because you're Nedran, or maybe it's because you're not mad enough." The caterpillar paced, lost in thought, and then whipped his head back around to look at Alice. "Thank you for the information, now be on your way."
"You're welcome," said Alice. "I hope that we meet again some day." She reached out and tore off a chunk of the mushroom and took a small bite.
"As do I, Alice, hopefully under much better circumstances," said Absolem in between glances out the window and muttered orders to his guards and servants.
"Let's go," said Alice, and Dee and Dum marched back to the door and slid on their shoes.
Alice took another bite of her mushroom and grimaced. It tasted rather a lot like dirt and something horribly bitter. No wonder her mother had told her not to eat them. Lyla watched her intensely. "If you want to try out being big, you can have some," offered Alice.
"No, thank you," said Lyla, shaking her head emphatically. "Big people always seem to get into big trouble. I'm fine staying small and keeping my small troubles.”
Alice gasped as a wave of dizziness swept over her, causing her to lean to one side. Lyla was next to her in an instant, bracing her arm. Alice clutched at her, unable to tell down from up as the room began to tilt and spin. She could feel Dum's shoulder beneath her, but her senses told her that instead of down, that was sideways, so she needed to lean to correct that. Finally, all sense of direction abandoned her and it felt as if she floated out into space. She scrambled frantically for thoughts that could help her make sense of what was happening, but everything in her head seemed so far away and wrapped in fog.
Alice grasped for anything to hold on to, mentally, or physically, but found nothing. Emptiness swirled around her as if she were lost in the vacuum of space. Finally, when she thought she couldn’t handle the spinning of the universe around her any more, her consciousness fled, leaving her in a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
A cool draft across her bare legs roused Alice from her sleep. Harsh light stabbed her eyes, making it impossible to see. Cool air touched every part of her body. She was naked. Beneath her she could feel some cloth, so she clutched it to
her chest and blinked her eyes furiously, willing them to adjust to the bright light.
Once she could finally see, her surroundings were familiar, but not in a good way. Beneath her was a clear plastic bench with a thin, rough mattress. Surrounding her were four clear plastic walls. She was in The Red Palace jail. In the cell next to her was either Dee or Dum, it was impossible to tell until she talked to him. The cloth she had clutched to her chest were the clothes the queen had given her to play croquet, still bloodstained. At least she had something to put on. She was sure she had Dee to thank for that as he’d put those clothes in his pack.
She dressed herself as quickly and discreetly as she could and then looked down at her body in wonder. She was back to her normal size again.
“Oh, young Alice, you’re awake,” said Dum, obviously pretending to have just noticed once she was dressed. His voice was somewhat muted, but she could still hear him courtesy of small holes around the top of the plastic walls.
“Yes, but I think I’ve woken up in a nightmare,” said Alice, waving a hand at their surroundings.
Dum nodded solemnly and looked around him, his eyes resting on Dee in the cell on her other side. Most of what could be seen of his body was covered in bruises, scrapes, and cuts. “He fought valiantly for you. Sadly there were too many of them for the three of us to take. He was the one that stayed with you and kept them off of you for as long as he could.”
Alice gasped. “He got all of those injuries trying to protect me?”
Dum shook his head and sighed. “No, he wasn’t that badly injured out there. He may not be the brightest, but he knows when he’s lost a fight. We surrendered when it became pointless to fight any longer.”
“Then where did he get the rest of his injuries?” asked Alice.
Dum knocked on the thick plastic wall between their cells. “Trying to bash his way out of here. He hates being locked up,” said Dum with a chuckle. “I wouldn’t recommend you try it.”
