by Danika Stone
The sound was her.
“Ava...?” Cole murmured. He turned her to face him as he pulled her against his chest. “Ava, baby? What’s wrong?”
It was almost dawn and a pale watery light was leaching in the edges of the windows. Ava turned in the circle of his arms, wrapping around him, her breathing rapid as she held on.
“Ava, you’re scaring me,” Cole said, his arms tightening around her. “What’s going on?”
“I... I had a dream,” she answered, a ragged laugh verging on tears, coming from her throat, “the strangest dream... And… and I died and left you behind and...”
Her face pressed against his neck. In Cole’s chest, guilt rose like floodwaters. (He wondered how much of last night’s events had been playing out in her mind.) It worried him, the emotions she brought out in him: the violence and passion they invoked when together. Last night had been the perfect example of that.
He tightened his grip against her back as fears wove through his mind. The possibility of losing her was a dull ache. It disturbed him that she’d have a dream about this... it seemed like a sign of something else to come.
“Hey now, it’s okay,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I’m not going anywhere, Ava... I promise. But...” He paused, not sure how to say it. “How about you? You staying?”
He meant it as a joke, but there was more than lightness in his words. Cole loved her, but he sensed that things were still off-kilter between them. Ava laughed nervously at his question, snuggling closer so that her head was tucked under his chin, her words softened by the nearness of his skin.
“I’m not going anywhere now,” she said harshly, “but in the dream, I didn’t have a choice.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I was dying, Cole. I couldn’t stay with you...”
He took a sharp breath, lifting his head to see her. Her words upset him. He stroked her cheek gently, waiting until her eyes rose before continuing.
“You... were what?”
She opened her mouth twice, seemingly ready to tell him something, but then changed her mind. He waited, watching her in the growing light of the bedroom. She took a deep, shuddering breath, rubbing away a wayward tear.
“Ava… Ava, just listen,” Cole whispered, leaning closer. “It’s gonna be okay... it was just a dream. All right? Didn’t mean anything.”
He wished he believed it.
She took another teary breath, her eyes closed. Shifting, Ava lay her face against his chest, listening to his heart, her body shaking as tears tumbled over the edge of her lashes.
“Shh...” he whispered, “It’s okay. It was just... it was just the shit that happened last night, right? And I’m sorry about that. I love you, okay? It’s gonna be all right. I promise.”
“I don’t know, Cole,” she whispered brokenly. “This dream felt real... Like a warning.”
“No,” he repeated, though his voice shook. Her words left some dark part of him unsettled. “It’s not a warning or anything. It’s because of what happened yesterday,” he assured her. “I messed up… I know. There was all the crap with my dad. And it just... it just came out this way.”
He pressed a kiss to the top of her hair, listening to her sob-hitched breaths. He wanted to wrap around her, protect her from all of this, but he didn’t know how when he was the one causing the pain.
“Maybe,” she whispered.
Cole trailed his hands up and down her back, tracing over her spine and across her shoulders. He remembered his mother doing this for him when he was young and scared, in the moments after a nightmare. It was one of his good memories; Angela sitting on the edge of his bed, rubbing his back gently. It surprised him to have it appear now.
In his arms, Ava’s breathing evened out and slowed, her body relaxing against his. Cole’s heart ached with the newness of this… of messing up and still having her with him. He didn’t know how to handle that reality. It terrified him that he’d disrupt the balance somehow..
They lay together for a long time. He composed the words in his head before he said them. He felt like he was standing at the edge of a chasm, and he needed to find a way across because that’s where Ava was. The words were the first step in that direction.
“I’ll do better,” Cole promised. “I don’t know how to do that right now, but I want to figure it out. I want to make this work with you, Ava... okay?”
He blinked rapidly, unshed tears prickling at his eyelids. The emotions of last night warred with his need to fix this, guilt and grief mixing. She didn’t respond, but she lifted her head onto the pillow next to him. Her gaze was steady.
“I messed up last night,” Cole admitted with a bitter laugh, “But I want to do this right. I want us to have a chance. I guess I need to know. Are you willing to stick it out? To… to help me figure things out?”
Ava inhaled on the last words.
“Are you serious?” she asked, voice trembling. “Because there are a lot of things here...” she lay her hand against his chest, “that need to be dealt with.” She smiled cautiously. “It’s not going to be easy, Cole. I know... I’ve gone through it.”
Cole nodded, moving forward until his face was a hands-breadth away from hers. He held her gaze as he spoke, willing her to understand how hard it was for him say this... but how important it was that he did.
“I know you have... and I’m… I’m counting on you to help me through to it.”
He placed his hand atop hers where it lay on his chest.
“You and me,” Cole said quietly, “...this thing between us… it’s real, Ava. It’s important. And we are definitely worth the effort to make it work.”
She nodded, eyes glittering brightly.
“So will you help me?” Cole asked.
She nodded again, tears sliding down her cheeks, wetting the pillow.
“Of course I will,” she whispered, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his lips.
Chapter 28: A Message for Albert
Brunch later that morning was quiet, but far less stilted than the previous day. Cole set the table while Ava sat at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee, chattering away with his stepmother. The two of them resumed their conversation about Arts funding and their stream of words eased the men into a wary truce.
Ava reached out for Cole as he stepped past her to pick up silverware and napkins. He smiled shyly, pausing to touch her hand and then her back, catching her eyes. Ava watched as Cole laid things out, folding the napkins into intricate origami shapes that had Ava giggling. She wasn’t used to seeing Cole this quiet, but there was a difference between this behaviour and yesterday’s. Today he was present, and trying. It felt like a massive victory.
Nina cooked omelets, taking everyone's orders on the various fillings. Frank was introverted and withdrawn next to her, chopping up green onions, toasting English muffins, and generally serving as Nina’s assistant. Ava had time to observe how weary and old he looked. She caught Nina’s eyes on him more than once during the preparations for the meal.
Ava tried to lure him into conversation, though his answers came in single words. Nina mentioned that Frank was a fan of classical music, so Ava told him about her father’s tour of Australia. That seemed to pique his interest for a moment, though the conversation quickly dwindled.
Still, Ava thought, it was a start.
Half an hour later, they were seated at the table. Nina insisted on Cole and Ava being side-by-side and no one argued. It seemed better to keep some physical distance between Cole and his father, so instead Ava was at Cole’s side, Nina seated across from her, Frank tucked between the two women.
The food was delicious. As they ate, Ava and Nina talked again, conversation topics changing seamlessly. They started in about university life and that flowed into a debate about art; Cole jumped in. He brought up architecture, which led Nina to design aesthetics and furnishings.
“I love it,” Nina admitted with a grin. “The lights and the garlands and the colours. Getting things se
t up for Christmas. Oh my...” she said with a sigh. “Frank here has to tolerate my passion for decorating.”
He smiled tiredly, putting his hand onto hers on the table. Ava could see the deep love between them as he smiled at her.
“No, I like it, Nina... it’s very nice. Very festive and happy. You bring a lot of joy to the house. I know we all appreciate it. I certainly do.”
Ava knew before she said it that she probably shouldn’t have, but the meal had gone better than she’d expected... and tact had never been her strong suit. (Her father liked to remind her of that on occasion.)
“Can I ask something?” Ava said, turning to Cole’s father. “If you really feel like that... about the joy in the house. Why don’t you put the flag back up? I mean, it’s at half-mast for a reason. Are you going to keep it that way forever?”
Ava heard Cole gasp. She waited, realizing she stepped over the invisible line that everyone else seemed to be watching out for, but no one had shown her. Ava's anxiety rose as she watched Frank struggle, his gaze on his plate. When he finally lifted his eyes, she felt something shift in her perception.
He wasn’t furious with her as she expected... he was in terrible pain.
“The flag’s at half-mast because I’m not done mourning,” he uttered, dropping his eyes again. He picked up his fork and took another bite.
There was a long, awful silence. Ava fought the urge to fidget. She glanced to Nina and then Cole. Both of them had their eyes on their food, eating without speaking, as if worried that a landmine would go off.
‘Well, that was the wrong fucking thing to say…’
Unable to tolerate the uncomfortable silence, she began filling up the space with words.
“You know what’s interesting,” Ava said, her words tumbling out in rapid succession, “Queen Victoria went into mourning for forty years after her husband Albert died. I mean she had black curtains and black jewellery... and only wore black...”
She glanced over to see Cole staring at her, an appalled expression on his face. Ava recognized that it would have been funny if it weren’t so unpleasant right now. ‘Oh shit!’ she thought, scrambling out of the new hole she’d just dug.
“And uh...” she fumbled, “she just never really came out of mourning, no matter what anyone said... just kind of stayed that way forever... like you, she wasn’t done yet...”
Her words faded out uneasily. There was a purpose to this story, but in her panic, Ava had forgotten it.
“You don’t say,” Frank grumbled. Ava flinched. He put down his fork, eyebrows low over his eyes as he watched her.
Then Ava remembered...
“Yes,” she said, picking up tempo again. “It’s true! She just wouldn’t end her mourning period. There was this great story about Benjamin Disraeli – he was her Prime Minister – when he was on his deathbed, she offered to come visit him.”
She smiled nervously. Frank was staring at her as if she’d grown a second head. She pressed on, recklessness leaving her lightheaded.
“That was… well... kind of a big deal. To have the Queen offer to come hang out with you. But do you know what Disraeli said?”
Ava stared straight at Cole’s father.
“No, Ava, I don’t,” he growled, “but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me whether I want to hear or not.”
She giggled and leaned forward.
“Disraeli told her not to bother, turned her away – the Queen herself! Basically told her to ‘fuck off’ instead of letting her visit. He said...” Ava’s voice took on a thick English accent, “ ‘No, it is better not. She would only ask me to take a message to Albert.’”
For a second there was nothing. Then Cole’s father chuckled deep in his throat, shaking his head in disbelief. Ava grinned. On the other side of the table Nina began tittering nervously, though it rose in intensity into laughter. At that point, Ava couldn’t hold it in and let out a loud cackle. Cole joined in, the room echoing with shared mirth.
When it finally receded, everyone was sighing, the light tone suddenly restored. Frank shook his head, pulling off his glasses and wiping his eyes with his napkin.
“My god, girl, but you’ve got some balls,” he said in admiration.
: : : : : : : : : :
It was an exhausting four days, but Cole and his father took tentative steps toward one another. Not fighting was the first one, speaking was the second. They only had surface interactions at this point – the weather, events of the day – but it was still movement. Ava wanted to suggest professional help, but she wasn’t quite sure Cole was ready to hear that yet. So she let it sit and wait.
She and Cole headed back to campus early on the twenty-sixth. Ava’s father would be home in a couple days and she had to admit she was homesick, and wanted a release from the stress of the Thomases. ‘Too much fucking angst,’ she thought as they loaded her truck with their backpacks.
In the front foyer, Frank and Cole embraced in farewell, much as they had a few days earlier in welcome. Ava noticed how, for the first time, Cole’s hands rested on his father’s back. His hands weren’t moving, but they were there.
Another step.
Cole’s father hugged Ava next, grumbling goodbye, then stepped back, waiting for them to go. Nina was last. She hugged Cole first, whispering into his ear, then stepped over to Ava and pulled her into a tight embrace.
“Thank you for staying with us, dear,” she said happily. “This has been a much more exciting Christmas than I’d expected.” She shook her head and Cole laughed. “But it was good... really, really good to have you here.” She paused, nodding to Cole. “Cole’s promised to come back more often... and I would like to invite you along with him... if you’d like to come, that is.”
Ava’s eyes flickered to Cole’s. This was the first she’d heard of it, and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of the offer.
“Uh... okay.” Ava answered. “I mean, I’ll try to work it in... but thanks for the invitation. You have a beautiful home.”
Nina smiled warmly.
“It’s even nicer as we head into Spring,” she said, pulling Ava into another hug, “I promise.”
After final goodbyes, Cole and Ava headed down the steps, hand in hand, walking back to the truck. As they climbed in, Ava asked a question that had been bothering her.
“Why’re you coming back more often?” It wasn’t that she necessarily thought it was a bad thing. It was just... unexpected.
Cole glanced at her across the seats.
“When I came home in the Fall, it was because there’d been a car accident. Dad was fine, but Nina was pretty shaken up.”
“Whoa,” Ava breathed. “What happened?”
Cole gave a one-shouldered shrug.
“Just one of those fluke things,” he answered. “First frost. Black ice on the road. They were on the way back from town and Dad took a curve too hard and rolled their SUV.”
“Shit...”
“That’s why I came back,” he confessed. “Nina was pretty banged up. She had a bit of trouble readjusting afterward… couldn’t sleep. Had panic attacks. Just couldn’t get past it.” He laughed. “She told me it was her ‘moment of clarity’… when she realized what was important.”
Ava smiled.
“And that was…?”
“Family,” he admitted. “She wants my father and I to learn how to… get along.” Cole’s lips twisted as he said it and Ava smothered a giggle. “Nina never had kids of her own, so I’m kind of it. She wants her family around as she gets older. So, uh...” He dropped his eyes for a second, then glanced back up. He looked younger than his years… like he was a teen again. “So I guess I’ll have some time to start dealing with my dad. Maybe get a professional to help us with... talking.”
Ava leaned toward him, pulling him into a tight hug. She could hear him breathing sharp and fast against her ear. This scared him more than he wanted her to know.
“That’s good to hear.”
Chapter 29
: Theories
The drive back to the city felt like it went by in minutes. The end to the tension and family dysfunction was a physical release; Ava and Cole were giddy with newly found freedom. Alone again. Cole’s hands kept straying to Ava’s thighs, and she teased him about speeding tickets, and exactly what she was going to tell the police if she got pulled over. He laughed, dropping his lids to half mast so he could watch her drive.
“So, um… I figure, since I know your parents now, you should probably meet my dad,” she said. Cole ran his finger along the side seam of her jeans, smiling.
“Yeah, I figured I’d meet him. He’s here in a couple days, right?”
“Well, the tour ends on the twenty-eighth...” she said, picturing the calendar on the wall of the kitchen, “but he doesn’t actually leave Sydney until the next day. Add in flying time, and he’ll be here late on the thirtieth. So I was... uh... wondering if you wanted to meet him before we head out for New Year's.”
“We can cancel if you want,” Cole said, “go out another time.”
His fingers reached the top of her jeans and began to follow the seam of her sweater up under her arm. Ava giggled, twisting sideways.
“No, don’t cancel,” she answered. “He’ll be too tired to stay up late, but I want you to meet him anyway. It’s... important to me.” She glanced over at him, then back to the highway. Her face was apprehensive. “Is that okay with you?”
“God, Ava,” Cole laughed, moving as close as the seat belt allowed. “After the fallout from my family, I’m surprised you want me to meet him.”
She laughed, and Cole went back drawing the line up her sleeve with his fingers. He moved under her armpit, over her shoulder, then headed back down her right arm. She squirmed but didn’t pull away.
“I... um... I want to tell you a few things,” Ava said, voice dropping.
Cole paused, his fingers resting on her soft inner wrist. He traced circles and waited. She sounded serious.
