by Gina Wilkins
Would it be completely reckless and irresponsible of her to hope that this wasn’t just physical after all?
Or had she unwittingly done that from the start?
* * *
Between the last-of-the-year rush at work and the chaos of the holidays and the underlying tension at home, Renae felt drawn in a half-dozen different directions. Evan hadn’t been making demands on her, but she wanted to be with him, too. There were only two situations in which she’d felt truly at peace during the past two weeks—when she snuggled with her children reading bedtime stories and when she lay in Evan’s arms on the rare occasion she could be with him.
On the Friday evening before Christmas, she and Evan nestled on his couch, her head on his shoulder, his arms around her. Lucy was at home with the kids, probably pretending Renae wasn’t with Evan.
It was only the second time Renae and Evan had managed to be alone since the arcade outing, though they had taken the kids for ice cream earlier that afternoon. Both Renae and Evan had taken the afternoon off work for the upcoming holiday weekend, taking advantage of the time to be together. Evan had given the twins Christmas gifts during the outing, since he wouldn’t see them again before the holiday. He’d been overly generous and needless to say, the kids had been thrilled.
She wished she could say the same about Lucy. When Renae had taken the kids home, the twins had shown Lucy their gifts, expecting her to be as delighted as they were. Instead, she had merely nodded and said coolly, “Yes, very nice.”
Because she had undoubtedly known Renae would be angry, Lucy had said nothing negative about Evan in front of the kids. But the twins were more perceptive than she gave them credit for.
“Why doesn’t Grammy like Evan?” Leslie had asked Renae in confusion after Lucy made an excuse to leave the room. “I asked her, but she said I shouldn’t worry about it and then she looked sad.”
“I like Evan,” Daniel had insisted from the floor where he played with the dinosaur building-block set Evan had given him. He was already in the process of building an impressive tyrannosaurus rex to battle the two plastic dinosaurs that waited nearby. “Grammy would, too, if she’d get to know him.”
Renae had drawn a deep breath. “Grammy gets sad because Evan was your daddy’s friend and he reminds her of how much she misses your daddy. Just give her a little time. She’ll come around.”
It had been a rather vague response, but the best she could do at the time. It was hard to convince the kids that things would change when she wasn’t sure if Lucy would ever accept Evan—or if Evan would stay around long enough for her to get to that point.
She sighed.
His cheek resting on her head, Evan asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I was just thinking.”
“The kids seemed to have a good time this afternoon.”
“They had a ball. They loved their gifts from you.”
“I’m glad. I have one for you, too, you know.”
He reached beneath the tree and handed her a pretty, gold-wrapped package. Somewhat shyly, she dug into her big bag on the floor, and pulled out a gift for him. She had spent hours deliberating over it, and she hoped he would like what she’d chosen. “I have one for you, too.”
Sitting side by side, they opened their gifts at the same time. Renae loved the gold bracelet nestled in a midnight-blue velvet box. She thought of protesting that he’d spent too much, but that seemed ungracious. “Evan, this is beautiful.”
“I hope you like it. I know you don’t wear a lot of jewelry, but I saw it when I was shopping for my sister and I thought it was nice.”
“It’s lovely.”
She watched a bit nervously as he opened the box holding the gift she had purchased for him.
“It’s a wooden pen.” He lifted the implement from the cotton-lined box with care. “Wow, this is beautiful, Renae.”
“It’s hand-turned by a local woodworking artist,” she informed him. “I bought it at the museum store downtown.”
He twisted the mechanism to reveal the rollerball point. “It’s great. What’s the wood?”
“It’s curly maple, made from Arkansas wood. It made me think of you, for some reason.”
“It’s perfect,” he assured her. “I’ll carry it with pride. Thank you.”
He leaned over to kiss her, an embrace that lingered quite a long time.
Somehow that exchange of gifts made their relationship seem even more serious.
Eventually she had to go. He walked her down to her car, where they shared several more kisses before he reluctantly opened her car door for her.
“Have a wonderful Christmas with your family,” she told him, reaching up to touch his face.
He caught her hand and pressed a kiss in her palm. “You, too.”
“I’m sure I will.” But she would miss him, she thought as she drove slowly home. Even though they had never shared a Christmas together, she knew she would miss having him there.
Chapter Eleven
“Why can’t we have Evan over for dinner?” Daniel demanded almost a month into the new year. “We always go somewhere to see him, and he never gets to come here. I still haven’t showed him all the stuff Santa brought me.”
“Me, neither,” Leslie seconded from her place at the dinner table. “Evan would like your cooking, Grammy. We should ask him for dinner.”
Renae figured if Lucy’s face tightened any further it would be in danger of cracking. “Maybe we will sometime. Are you two finished with your desserts? If so, carry your plates into the kitchen. Weren’t you going to play with that new video game you got for Christmas? Your mother said you could play for an hour after dinner.”
It was a blatant redirection of their attention, of course, but it worked. The twins hurriedly finished their puddings and carried their dishes into the kitchen, then raced to the living room to play the new game.
“I hope you’re satisfied,” Lucy said, turning immediately to Renae. “Those children are going to have their little hearts broken, just like you are. I did everything I knew how to convince you to protect them, but you wouldn’t listen.”
“Please don’t start this again, Lucy.”
They had maintained an uneasy truce about Evan for the past month, with Lucy stubbornly refusing to mention him and Renae trying to appease her by keeping her interactions with Evan separate from her life with Lucy. She had continued to see him on Wednesday evenings and occasionally took the kids to meet him somewhere on the weekends. But despite the steps she had taken to keep her mother-in-law appeased, she wouldn’t let Lucy criticize her maternal decisions. “Evan is not going to hurt the kids.”
“They’re getting fond of him. Trying to bring him into our family. How will they feel if it doesn’t work between you two?”
“You and I have had this talk. If Evan drifts away, I’ll encourage the twins to hold on to fond memories of the time we spent with him. They’ll be fine.”
“If all they do is go for pizza with him, perhaps, but if they start seeing him as a member of the family and then he disappears?”
Renae groaned. “All they want to do is ask him to dinner, Lucy. And I think it’s a good idea. The children accept Evan as my friend, and the four of us enjoy spending time together. I would like for you to join us.”
She held up a hand before her mother-in-law could speak. “I won’t ask you to cook for him. I’ll take care of that. All I ask is that you dine with us. You barely have to speak to him, though I would hope you’d be polite in front of the twins.”
Lucy grumbled.
Renae softened her voice. “I know it’s painful for you to see him, Lucy. He’s still here and Jason isn’t. But holding on to this anger is only hurting you.”
Lucy sighed shakily and shoved her chair back from the table. “Fine. Invite him for dinner. We’ll see how long he stays around when he sees how busy and ordinary your life is normally.”
That struck a little too close to Renae’s own secret conc
erns. Maybe it also explained her sudden decision to bring Evan into her home, she mused, fingering the bracelet on her right wrist. As close as she had been getting to him during the past weeks, maybe it was time to find out just how committed he was.
Because if it’s going to end, she thought, it’ll be easier now than later—for everyone involved.
* * *
Renae wouldn’t have called Friday night’s dinner a disaster. But it was hardly a glowing success, either. The twins were overly excited and competed fiercely for Evan’s attention. After greeting Evan with a cool courtesy she would have displayed toward a total stranger, Lucy responded to anything he said with such excruciating politeness that Renae could almost see him wince.
After dinner, Daniel all but dragged Evan into the living room to play a video game. Lucy sat on the couch, her knitting needles clicking sharply as she watched them with an intensity that obviously made Evan uncomfortable.
She walked him out to his car after dinner. It was cold, and she huddled into her coat, pulling her collar up to shield her neck. Her breath was a ghostly cloud in the pale security lighting. “I’m sorry about the way Lucy acted tonight.”
He chuckled, though without much humor. “She was perfectly polite.”
“Yes, I noticed,” Renae said dryly.
He shrugged. “It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting her to welcome me with open arms.”
“The kids were pretty hyper tonight, too. Daniel kept begging you to play that game again whenever you tried to stop.”
“I had a good time playing with Daniel. And before you apologize for them, too, I didn’t mind letting Leslie read me a book or rubbing Boomer’s ears.”
She drew her coat more snugly around her. “I’m sure that’s not the way you’re accustomed to spending your evenings.”
“No,” he admitted. “I’m accustomed to spending my evenings sitting on the couch by myself in front of the TV and wishing you were there with me.”
That didn’t encourage her. “But I can only be there one night a week, occasionally two. And when you come here, you have to run the gamut of Lucy’s dirty looks and the kids and the dog climbing all over you, and you and I barely have time to exchange a few words.”
“That will surely get better once everyone’s used to having me around.”
“I can’t blame you if you aren’t in any hurry to repeat the experience,” she said, thinking that despite what he said, he must have more interesting ways to spend his time.
“If tonight was a test, I think I passed,” he said, an edge to his voice. “I’m not running, Renae. I’m not looking for excuses to avoid future family dinners. I’m not even angry with your mother-in-law for doing everything she can to sabotage this relationship. Frustrated, maybe, but not angry. I don’t scare off that easily.”
“It wasn’t a test,” Renae muttered, noting his use of the relationship word.
“Maybe it’s time you start having a little faith in me, Renae. I knew when we started seeing each other that you have obligations. Your kids, your job, your mother-in-law who would be perfectly happy for everything to stay exactly the same for the rest of her life. If all I wanted was an easy affair, I’d be content with the occasional Wednesday evening with you. Maybe that was all I wanted, at first. But maybe you’ve noticed I’m the one who’s been pushing for more lately.”
She bit her lip.
He stroked his thumb across her mouth, easing her lip from between her teeth. “I’m not going anywhere, Renae. Not unless you’ve grown tired of me. In that case, I’ll stay away.”
Her long sigh was visible in the air between them. “I don’t want you to stay away. I just—”
—don’t know why you want to keep coming back, she completed silently.
The kiss he gave her then was partially an answer. He drew back slowly, smiling down at her in a way that revealed little of his thoughts. “Thanks for dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She lifted a hand in a wave as his truck disappeared from sight. Only then did she turn back toward the house. Her hands deep in the pockets of her coat, she stood for a moment studying the lighted windows behind which waited her family.
Maybe Lucy wasn’t the only one who had been clinging to the status quo. The question was, how could she make sure the changes she made would make their lives better? Renae knew there were no guarantees in life—but when she was being pulled in so many directions, it would be nice to have some sort of sign about what would bring the least chance of disappointment. For all of them.
* * *
It didn’t snow often in Central Arkansas. Once, sometimes twice in a winter, they would see measurable accumulation, generally less than four inches. When snow did cover the ground, most activity in the area ground to a halt because of lack of snow removal equipment. Grocery shelves emptied, schools closed, even many businesses closed for a day or two until the snow melted.
The twins were delighted to wake up on the last Friday morning in January to find the ground hidden beneath a rare blanket of snow, with more still falling. Up to six inches were predicted to accumulate by the end of the day. Renae didn’t even have to check the local morning news to know that school was dismissed, but it was habit to tune in. The snowfall was the leading story that morning with school closings running continuously across the bottom of the screen.
Her phone rang early with a call from Ann to inform her that there was no need for her to come to work that day. “Stay home with your kids,” she urged. “We’re not expecting many patients to show up today anyway, and there’s nothing that can’t wait until Monday. Cathy lives close enough to get to the office easily and she said she can handle the desk today.”
Because she hadn’t been looking forward to slipping and sliding her way across the river along with the other local drivers who had little experience with snow, Renae accepted the offer gratefully.
“Looks like we’ll all be home today,” she said, setting her phone aside.
The twins did celebratory dances at the breakfast table while Lucy turned from the stove and smiled. “Yay!” Leslie exclaimed. “Will you play outside with us, Mama?”
“Can we build a snowman?” Daniel wanted to know. “There’s enough snow for a snowman, isn’t there?”
“We should be able to build a snowman,” Renae conceded with a laugh, predicting a cold, wet mess on the kitchen floor later. She didn’t care. The kids would have a great time frolicking in the snow, which meant she would have fun, as well. She hadn’t quite outgrown her own delight in the rare sight of the clean, glittering white blanket draped over the outdoors, and the falling snowflakes dancing in the air.
Stirring oatmeal, Lucy said, “We’ll have hot cocoa later. And maybe I’ll make snow cream. I used to make that for your daddy when we had enough snow. He loved it. It’s like homemade ice cream made with snow.”
The twins grinned at each other in shared anticipation of winter fun.
Renae’s phone rang again and she murmured an apology at this second interruption. “Good morning, Evan,” she answered.
Lucy clattered her spoon against the pot of oatmeal she was scooping into bowls.
Hearing Evan’s name, Daniel spoke urgently. “Tell him to come build a snowman with us. Okay, Mom, please?”
“I’ll take this in another room,” she said, avoiding Lucy’s frown. “I’ll be right back,” she promised.
“Judging by Daniel’s request, I take it you aren’t going to work today?” Evan asked as soon as she let him know she was free to talk.
“No, Ann called and suggested I stay home with the kids. I took her up on the offer.”
“That’s why I was calling, actually. I was going to offer to come drive you to work. My truck is better on snow than your little car would be.”
She was touched. “Thanks, but I’m not planning to leave home today. We have all we need to cocoon for a couple days.”
“Good. Then I don’t have to worry about you being on the highway with the mo
rons that always come out in bad weather.”
She laughed softly. “No. What about you? Are you going to your office today?”
“No, Tate and I told everyone to stay home. There’s not much anyone can do in this weather. So if Daniel needs assistance with that snowman, I’m available.”
She hesitated, thinking of how disappointed Lucy would be if Renae brought Evan into their day at home. Yet the children would be thrilled to have him there. She sensed that Evan was hoping she would invite him, maybe thinking a day romping with the twins in the snow would be fun for all of them.
As for herself—she was cowardly wishing she could go back to bed and hide beneath the covers rather than risk disappointing any of them.
“Renae?”
Knowing Evan was waiting for an answer, she cleared her throat. “I’d hate for you to get out on these roads.”
“If you don’t want me to come, just say so.”
She was so focused on trying to keep everyone else happy that she was wasn’t sure what she wanted even factored into the debate. “It’s just that Lucy was planning to make hot chocolate and snow cream for the kids—”
“And she wouldn’t want me anywhere near her at the same time,” he finished grimly.
“Evan—”
She heard him draw a sharp breath before speaking evenly. “You know, I told you once that I wouldn’t ask you to choose between me and Lucy because I knew I would lose. I thought I could be content with what you had left over to give, but you know what? Not so much.”
Clutching the phone so tightly her knuckles ached, she groped for something to say.
He didn’t give her a chance. “I’ve tried to be understanding about Lucy’s pain. She’s suffered too many losses in her life. But to carry this grudge against me for so long, so that you can’t even mention my name or have me over to visit with your kids—well, that’s hard to swallow. Regardless of any unwanted attraction I might have had for you in the past, Jason was my friend, damn it.”
