by Len Webster
"Why do you think he's not here right now, Clara? He's speaking to her about it. Go see for yourself." Sarah flashed Clara a satisfied smile, flipped her long black hair behind her shoulders, and turned towards the bar.
You’re just his secret.
The little voice in her head started to shout. Clara felt a nudge then the sound of glass being smashed. She looked to her left and saw a waiter picking up the pieces of glass and apologising to her. She wasn’t sure why he was apologising, but Clara gave him a forced smile and walked towards the exit.
She needed air. She needed a room where she could just think and process what Sarah said to her. Clara removed her clutch from under her arm and took out her phone. She saw that she had a few text messages from Annie about her trip to Darwin, a few from Josie, and one from Stevie, but none from Noel.
Maybe it’s true.
Clara pulled up Stevie’s number. She needed to get as far away from Katie’s party as possible. The burning and violent ache in her chest was leaving her breathless. It was hard to stop the pain from being felt. It was hard to stop the flashes of Noel that she kept remembering. She stopped in the walkway, trying to force herself to breathe.
Composing herself, Clara turned off the main walkway and walked towards the entrance. Her floor-length dress made it difficult for her hasty exit. Clara stopped and lifted her dress up from the floor and walked towards the double doors. She walked past a room to her right, but the sound of a familiar voice stopped her. She took two steps backwards and looked into the room.
Clara brought her hands over mouth and covered the gasp and cry that threatened to escape her lips. She stood there horrified at the sight that completely broke her heart. This time she didn’t hold back the silent tears that fell. She told herself to remember this feeling, to remember the sight of Valerie cupping Noel’s face as they kissed. To hear it was one thing, but to witness them kissing was another. Clara let the sight of them sear itself into her memory and accepted the pain that increased with every slow beat of her heart.
She took two steps backwards, making sure she never forgot the sight of them and walked back towards the ballroom. She took out her phone and sent a quick message through her blurred vision. Clara wiped away the wet and sticky tears and returned to the crowd that gathered to watch people dance. It was over. They were over.
“Valerie, what are you doing?” he asked against her lips. It was wrong. Everything about kissing her was wrong. He used to be in love with this woman; he saw a life with her once. But as she stood in front of him he knew, it only cemented it. He would only ever love Clara.
“I thought you… you don’t.” Valerie removed her hands from Noel’s face and looked up at him.
“But last night…” she said quietly.
“You needed advice about moving to Chicago for your career. I wanted to be there for you. I stayed for as long as you needed me, and then I went to Max’s. I was being a friend,” Noel explained, and put space between them. He wasn’t expecting that text message from Valerie, but he owed her an apology for not calling after their one-night stand. He spent a few hours by Valerie’s side as she told him about her plans about moving to Chicago.
They ended up reminiscing about the days they spent in high school, their relationship, and their lives now. A bottle of wine between them, and Noel was done. Valerie offered her couch, but he declined. He liked the idea of Clara’s bed, but he was drunk and he didn’t want to wake her. He had Max come by, and Noel crashed on Max's guest bed.
“Even after you left, I still loved you. I hoped one day we would get married and do the things we planned.” The sadness in her eyes had him feeling guilty. He still wanted to get married, but his choice in bride changed, for the last time.
There’s only one woman I intend on marrying.
Noel ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I know, Val. I was the one to tell you I wanted to marry you. And for a long time, and until very recently, I wanted that, too. You were my best friend. It only made sense.”
“What are you saying?” Valerie’s voice sounded tight and strained, and he felt like he was reliving the day he left for Stanford and left her behind. But this time, he wasn’t upset; this time, he wasn’t heartbroken over leaving her. Noel placed his hand inside his pants pocket and felt the small box.
“I don't see that anymore, Val.” Noel gripped the box. “You were everything I wanted before I came home. But now, everything’s changed,” he spoke the truth.
“I could try to be whatever you need, but I have a feeling I wouldn’t be enough. I’m… I'm not Clara.”
He removed his hands from his pockets and looked at Valerie, completely shocked. “You know about Clara?”
“I think everyone does.” Valerie gave him an honest smile. “I'm… happy for you. I can move on now and not think of what could have been between us. I won’t cause you any more trouble, Noel. I saw the way you looked at her when I was at her apartment. Had I known there was something there, I wouldn’t have slept with you.”
Noel took two steps forward and wrapped his arms around his ex-girlfriend.
“Thank you,” Noel whispered in her ear before he unwrapped his arms from her. Valerie’s eyes started to water and Noel placed both hands on her shoulders. “I love her, Valerie. I’m sorry it didn’t happen for us, but she’s it,” Noel confessed proudly.
“I’m happy to hear it. I wish you both the very best. Clara’s one lucky girl,” Valerie said. She placed a kiss on his cheek before walking towards the main ballroom. He breathed out and smiled. He wouldn’t have to worry about Valerie; she’d be moving to Chicago by New Year’s, and he’d be moving back to Melbourne. Noel dug into his pockets and pulled out the small velvet box.
He spent the day at the old vintage jeweller’s, ensuring Clara’s surprise was ready. While he waited, he had left messages for his boss, Gregson, to find a new senior accountant. He wasn't interested in becoming a senior executive. Not when Clara lived in Melbourne. Opening the velvet box, he smiled at the sight of the ring. Two Celtic knots on either side of a large, princess cut diamond, followed by small diamonds around the platinum-set ring.
The old man who had engraved Clara’s locket passed away a few years ago, and his son had inherited the business. Clara’s ring needed to be resized a fraction, a few diamonds needed to be removed, and the whole ring needed a cleaning.
It took all day, but the end result was the most beautiful engagement ring Noel had ever seen. The Celtic knot on both sides of the large diamond mirrored Clara’s locket, and the nerves in him grew. But it was the idea of his ring on Clara’s finger that made him content. He’d propose, and promise to marry her when she was good and ready. Closing the box, he placed it back in his pocket. First he had to find Alex and ask for his blessing before he planned to ask Clara for a future together.
Noel walked into the party and saw her standing at the edge of the dance floor. Had he not bumped into Valerie earlier, he would have entered the party with both Clara and Alex. Clara was the only one in the room he saw. He felt guilty that he hadn’t called her, but he needed to be focused on the ring. He wanted it to be a surprise, and it meant keeping Clara at a distance.
He scanned the room to see that Alex wasn’t in sight. Noel patted his pocket once and decided that he would speak to Alex later. First he needed to go over to Clara and tell her that he was ready to tell Alex about them. Looking at her, he noticed that pastel purple looked heavenly on Clara; the way the soft material graced her creamy skin was breathtaking. Noel swallowed the lump in his throat and put his left hand back in his pocket. He needed the reassurance of the ring to guide him. He walked over and stood next to her. Clara’s sweet perfume hit his senses and he noted just how much he loved only her smell. Just how much he only loved her.
“Clara.” He greeted with a smile he couldn’t hide.
“Noel,” Clara replied with little life in her voice. There was something in the way she said his name that alerted him. He could h
ear the hurt laced in her soft tone. Clara didn’t look up to meet his eyes; instead she continued to watch the party guests dance.
“Are you okay, Clara?” He could hear the concern in his own voice.
“Yes. You?” That was not the answer he was expecting. There was something in her eyes that made his heart sink and his fears increase.
“Clara, what's wrong?”
He watched as Clara closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and looked him straight in the eye. She searched his and Clara simply said, “Nothing.”
The hell nothing's wrong!
“Clara, if you’re upset then tell me. I’ll fix it!”
“There's nothing to fix, Noel.” The hurt tone in her voice had Noel on high alert.
No, I’m not letting her go unexplained!
Noel grabbed Clara’s arm, surprising her, and pulled her away from the dance floor, through the side doors, and into the quiet hallway, away from Alex and away from the rest of the party.
“Talk, Clara,” he demanded. The sad cryptic message she was sending was one he couldn’t break. There was something wrong, and he was determined to fix it. He was going to propose and tell her that he was moving to Melbourne to be with her. She was silent for a moment. All she did was stare at him, the sadness in her eyes killing him.
“Here’s what we’re going to do…” Clara closed her eyes tightly before continuing. “I’m going to walk away and you’re going to let me.” Clara’s words left him frozen in his spot. Her eyes never left his as she waited for his reaction. Noel blinked quickly in disbelief.
“What the fuck, Clara?” Noel went to take her hand and Clara took two steps backwards until her back hit the wall behind her.
“This. You and me. It’s over, Noel!” His heart stopped. She was ending them. Desperation took over Noel. He had to save them, and he had to make Clara change her mind.
“No… no… no! We are not over, Clara!” he yelled. Clara flinched, surprised by his raised voice. Noel watched her eyes water. The clench in his chest could bring him to his knees. This couldn’t be their ending.
“You have to let me go, Noel.” The desperate pleading in Clara’s voice made his eyes burn.
“Why? Why do I have to let you go? Huh, tell me, Clara? Give me a fucking good reason why you’re ending this. Ending us. I love you. Don’t you get that? I love you!”
Clara’s head dropped, and that’s when she broke down, sobbing. He closed the distance and held her face in his hands, pressing his body onto hers, ensuring she didn’t try to escape his grasps.
“Tell me, please, Clara,” he begged softly, her eyes meeting his. His heart was aching at the thought that they would be over. He had to fight. He couldn’t let her go.
I won’t let Clara end us.
“Don’t. Please. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,” Clara sobbed.
“I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me how to fix this, how to fix us. Tell me. Just tell me, Clara! I’m begging you. Please just tell me how I can fix us. Please, baby, talk to me. I can’t let you go. I can’t let you walk away. I promise I’ll make it better. I’ll be better. Just don’t end us. Don’t end what we have together, please,” he pleaded, his forehead resting on Clara’s. She had her eyes closed as tears continued to slide down her face and onto his hand.
“You can’t fix us. We were always meant to end. We were never meant to make it, Noel. Please, just let me go,” she whispered.
“I can’t. I can’t fucking do that, Clara! I’m in love with you and I can’t let you end this. I need you in my life. No! You are my life, Clara. Why are you so hell-bent on ending this? We have something special, and you know that. Is it Alex? I’m not afraid to tell him. I’m ready to face him. I’m ready to tell him.”
Clara’s hands gripped Noel’s wrists and she let out another heartbreaking cry.
“Tell me it’s not over. Tell me you’re just scared. Don’t put me through this kind of pain, Clara. I can’t lose you. I just got you back, please. I’m begging you, stay with me, be with me, love me, grow old with me, just please let me be able to call you mine.”
Clara removed Noel’s hands from her face. Her actions made his stomach churn and his heart falter.
“You promised you’d give us a chance,” Noel said softly. His eyes stung and wet tears slid down his face. He was crying over Clara; he had never cried over a woman before. Noel looked at her through his blurry vision.
“Promises are made to be broken. This is over, Noel. I can’t be with you. Don’t you see how wrong we are for each other? Don’t you see how hard this is for me to be with you? You gave me this glimmer of hope that you could love me, and then you take it away.” Clara shook her head and looked up at him. Noel felt those sad eyes tear another hole in his heart.
“Let me go, please. If you loved me in any true form then you’ll let me walk away. You’ll let this end between us. Please. You told me you’d make me happy; then do this one thing for me. Let us end, Noel, before anyone gets hurt.” Noel kneeled on one knee and took Clara’s hand in his.
I’m losing her.
“I love you with every piece that’s in me. I love you. But I can’t let you go, Clara. I’ve been waiting all those years for you. You’re it. You’re the love of my life. I’m begging you, don’t. I’ll quit my job. I’ll sell my apartment. I’ll move to Melbourne. I’ll do what it takes!” He couldn’t control the tears that fell. She was completely breaking his heart and crushing his soul.
“There is no chance for us,” Clara whispered and it was like a painful blow to his chest. Like she had punched him straight through and ripped his heart out, crushing it in her small hands and leaving him empty inside. Clara untwined her hands from Noel’s and placed them by her side. Noel got off his knees and looked at Clara. Her eyes no longer held the love she had for him, it was another crushing blow.
“Tell me you don’t love me,” he said.
“What?” Clara breathed out in surprise. Noel’s hands returned to Clara’s cheeks and pressed her against the wall. Noel’s breathing heavy and his eyes still damp.
“Tell me you don’t fucking love me, Clara. Say it! If you want me to watch you walk away then convince me that you don’t love me. Convince me! Go on! Rip my heart out and throw it in my face. Tell me I don’t mean shit to you! I need to hear it. So say it, Clara! Tell me you don’t love me!” Noel demanded. He knew the sounds of the live band muffled their voices from the guests inside the main room.
Clara closed her eyes and let out a sob. “I can’t tell you that,” she whispered. Relief reached his heart, and Noel quickly captured Clara’s lips. She fought him until he felt Clara kiss him back. Her soft lips making contact on his caused an ache in him. Noel felt her hands rest on his chest before pushing him off of her. Clara wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and looked at him. Her hurt eyes didn’t change, and it sent a tremor down to his already beaten heart.
“It’s not enough to save us. I’m sorry, Noel. But you need to forget me and move on with your life. We weren’t meant to last.” She gave him a sad smile and started to walk towards the entrance. Before he could stop himself he ran after her and stopped her by grabbing her wrist.
He looked into her golden-brown eyes one last time and memorised them. They would haunt his sleep for the rest of his days. Noel dug his hand in his pocket and felt her ring box in his hand.
It wouldn’t be enough to change her mind.
The thought had him letting go of the box. He removed his hand from his pocket and took his other hand off Clara’s wrist, placing his right palm on her cheek. The slow and painful beat of his heart sent agonising pain throughout his body. There was more to it, but Clara wasn’t willing to let him in. Noel breathed in sharply and placed his hand on her cheek, caressing her lightly.
“You’ll thank me one day,” Clara whispered before taking Noel’s hand off her cheek. She held it for a second before she let him go. Her eyes met his and Noel felt like she was me
morising him for the last time. Noel watched as the love of his life, the woman he was going to propose to, walked out of the building and out of his life, taking his heart with her.
One lone tear fell down his face. He lost her. He couldn’t do enough to stop her. He couldn’t do enough to save them. Noel took out the ring box and opened it. That ring was a promise to love her, and he wouldn’t break that promise. He’d love her forever. He’d never recover from Clara. He simply fell too hard, and in the end he couldn’t keep her or her heart.
I can’t call her mine.
“You did the right thing.”
Clara slowly wiped her cheeks before turning to see Sarah standing in front of the black iron gates. Clara didn’t respond; there was no reason to. Instead, she cautiously watched as Sarah walked towards the brown pillar and leant on it.
“You see… some things are just set in stone. Whatever you think you had with Noel wasn’t strong enough to change what was always meant to be. I hope you’ve learnt your lesson. You can’t change what’s fixed. Noel and Valerie are fixed. I did you a favour,” Sarah said softly as she stared at her nails and then smiled.
“If it wasn’t me that put an end to this crazy make-believe you have going on, it would have been Alex. Do you really want Alex to know that his best friend was fucking his little sister?” Clara’s eyes moved down towards the black concrete sidewalk. She closed her them and held back another set of tears that threatened to flow. Her heart was already damaged from telling Noel it was over; Sarah was just killing her off.
“Did I hit a nerve? Good. You and Noel weren’t meant to be together. Having sex with each other was the worst mistake he could have made. You should have known better. If you loved your brother like he loves you, then you wouldn’t have slept with Noel. There are boundaries, Clara, and you crossed every single one of them.”
“I did nothing to you,” Clara whispered out before locking eyes with Sarah’s. Sarah pushed off the pillar and walked down the small steps to face her.
