‘You’ve heard, haven’t you?’ she said, pulling her coat more tightly around her.
He nodded. ‘Euan told me last night.’
‘So he didn’t know either,’ Kat said, flatly. ‘I suppose he wouldn’t have.’
‘He knew he had a sister. But he had no idea it was you. I think he’s still in shock.’
‘Well, that makes two of us.’ Kat managed a weak smile.
‘How are you feeling?’ Adam asked.
‘Strange.’
‘Strange how?’
‘Do you really want to know?’ Kat asked.
‘Yes.’ His answer was so simple. Kat’s urgent longing for resolution, to know every part of the truth seemed to slip away when she looked into his eyes. Maybe it was too early to know everything. Maybe what she was feeling right then was the truth – the one that mattered.
Kat thought of the way she’d felt when Letty had delivered the news – it hadn’t been one statement, but two. I’m your mother. I gave you away. It was the second one that had stayed with Kat, that had echoed in her dreams. Letty was someone she loved and admired – someone she believed had chosen her as a friend. But now, things were different – she knew the truth, that Letty had found her wanting. Not good enough. Letty had chosen to give her away. Her father, the man who’d always told her to tell the truth, no matter what – had lied to her for years. For her entire life. He might not have said the words, but he’d lied by omission, again and again.
‘You want to know how I feel?’ Kat said again. ‘I’m angry,’ she said. She bit the inside of her lip, but couldn’t stop hot tears spilling on to her cheeks. ‘I’m angry, Adam. The people I trusted most in this world aren’t who I thought they were. I don’t know what it is I should be feeling, but the truth is I’m furious with them: Letty, my dad – even my mum, who’s not here to defend herself.’
Adam put his hand over hers and held it. She looked up at him, her heart beating harder in her chest. It felt natural, him being there.
‘Be angry,’ Adam said. ‘I would be.’
Her tears came faster. Here with Adam, she didn’t feel that she had to be strong.
‘It’s going to be OK, Kat,’ he said. ‘You’re going to be all right.’
52
Sunday 2 November
Charlie was sitting with Euan in his living room, his eyes glazed over, a cup of coffee in his hand that must have been cold by now. The night before, the two of them had been ready to leave the house to go out for a meal when Letty had called. She wanted to talk to him, and no, it couldn’t wait.
Euan had questioned what could be that important. The restaurant booking would have to be cancelled, he’d muttered, disappointed. He and Charlie had so little time together as it was, and now, because of this, they would lose an evening. It had been difficult for Charlie to keep quiet, knowing what she knew. She’d simply encouraged him to take his mother’s request seriously, and to go and see her.
This – the news about Letty, and Kat, and Euan – was one of those revelations that come from nowhere, she thought. You start the day thinking that it matters which cereal you choose for breakfast, what the headlines are, or whether you’re five minutes late for work. She’d been there once, when she’d heard about Ben. That hadn’t been as serious, of course, but all the same, it had taken only a handful of words for the elements of her everyday life to be rendered mere trivialities.
Now, for Euan and for Kat, two of the people Charlie cared about most, the cereal, the clock, the headlines, wouldn’t matter any more. And they probably wouldn’t matter again for a long time.
‘I knew there was someone,’ Euan said, his words coming slowly. ‘I knew I had a sister out there somewhere. But I never for one moment imagined it would be Kat.’
When Euan had got home the night before he hadn’t wanted to talk. He must have known that Charlie knew. Letty would have explained, Charlie was sure of that. But when he came to bed, he’d simply asked Charlie to hold him. They’d lain in his bed, limbs intertwined, while the rain lashed against the window. Both of them had remained silent, their breathing steady, waiting for sleep to come. Charlie had resisted the urge to ask, taming her natural inclination to draw out all of the details of a scenario as quickly and fully as possible. She could sense that what he needed most was space to take it in. In the morning, however, he’d been ready to tell her.
‘Mum told me half of the story when she and Dad separated. She said she’d given away a baby girl, because she wasn’t my father’s child and she couldn’t face living a lie. I assumed the girl had grown up somewhere else, not here in Scarborough. Kat lived so close to me. We weren’t friends, but we could have been.’
Charlie put her hand on his arm, looked at him to show she was still listening.
‘I feel such an idiot,’ Euan said. ‘I look at the two of them and I don’t know how I missed it. You said you saw Mum in me – but the two of them are far more similar, aren’t they? The shape of their faces. Their eyebrows, the way they light up when they’re about to say something they think is funny.’ The flicker of a smile came to his lips.
‘I know what you mean,’ Charlie said. ‘I can see it too, now. But of course you’re not an idiot. How could you have noticed something when you had no idea that it was even a possibility?’
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ Euan said, stroking her arm.
‘I’m glad I’m here too,’ Charlie said. ‘I’m sorry I…’ She searched for the words. ‘Well, sorry I made this all happen.’
‘My mum made it happen, not you,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘It was her choice. It was then and it is now.’
‘Kat must be a mess,’ Charlie said, frowning.
‘You should go and see her.’
‘I know. I will. I don’t want to leave it too long. I’ll head round there now.’
Charlie and Kat were in the kitchen of her flat that afternoon, while Leo watched cartoons in the front room.
‘So you’ve been out today,’ Charlie said, looking at the wet anoraks in the hallway.
‘Yes, I took Leo to the park.’ Kat’s voice was quiet and flat, as if she were only half-there. It pained Charlie to see the spirit gone out of her. ‘I needed to clear my head. I’m guessing Euan’s told you everything.’
‘He’s told me about what he and Letty discussed, yes. In terms of you… Kat, there’s something I need to explain,’ Charlie said. ‘I want you to know that I’m on your side, completely. But I’m part of the reason Letty spoke to you, why everything came out the way it did last night.’
‘You?’ Kat’s eyes were wide, but the expression was blank rather than annoyed, as if she was too drained of emotion to respond. ‘You’re in on this too?’
‘I’m not in on it —’
‘You know what, Charlie, I don’t think anything you say would even shock me any more. First Jake, then this with Letty and my dad.’
Charlie took a deep breath. Even if it went down badly, she had to at least explain.
‘I found a note, from your mother to Letty. Thanking her, saying she’d always dreamed of being a mother, and now she was – to you. It didn’t spell everything out, but it was clear enough for me to put two and two together.’
‘Where did you find the note?’
‘It was mixed up with some other documents from the café. I wasn’t snooping – you may not believe that, but in this case it’s true. Perhaps deep down Letty wanted someone to find out the truth. Who knows.’
Kat nodded for her to carry on talking.
‘I was torn – I wasn’t sure whether to come to you first. It felt wrong that I’d found out while you and Euan still didn’t know. But I didn’t want to give you, or both of you, a fragment of the story, with the risk that you wouldn’t want to find out the rest. Letty’s a good person – I felt certain she would have done what she did for a reason, and she deserved a chance to explain that to you both.’
She waited for Kat to say something, but she sat in silence,
picking at the worn Formica on the kitchen counter with her nail. Minutes went by before she looked up and said, ‘What about me and Euan?’ The tone of her voice hardened: ‘What about what we deserved?’
‘Letty wants so much to make things right,’ Charlie said.
Kat shook her head. ‘I have no idea who I am any more,’ she said. ‘I feel like Letty tricked me. Lied to me. My dad too. And now I find out you knew…’
Charlie felt a tug at her heart. ‘Kat – please believe me. It was never my intention to keep anything from you. I suppose it must seem as if I went behind your back, but I only did it to make sure that, when you did find out, you found out the whole truth. I never wanted to hide anything from you.’
Kat bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry. I’m taking this out on you. Classic shooting the messenger, isn’t it?’
‘It’s understandable,’ Charlie said. ‘I’d probably shoot me too.’
‘The thing is, even if I was annoyed – and I’m not, not really – I need a friend more than ever right now.’
Charlie took a chance, knowing she might be pushed away. She stepped towards Kat and held out her arms. After a moment’s hesitation Kat came towards her, leaning her head on her shoulder, and Charlie held her close in a hug.
On Monday morning, Charlie and Euan were sitting in his kitchen over a breakfast of French toast and strawberries, winter sunshine coming in through his large windows.
‘Are you trying to persuade me to stay with all this?’ Charlie said, pointing to the food.
‘Shamelessly. Is it that obvious?’ Euan smiled.
‘It’s very tempting.’
‘What a weekend, eh,’ Euan said, putting a hand through his hair. ‘I bet you came up here expecting a big romantic reunion…’
‘Which we had,’ Charlie said.
‘Yes, which we had. But then you end up in the middle of all this.’
‘It was my choice. I could have put away that card and made myself forget about it.’
Euan rolled his eyes playfully. ‘As if you could ever have done that.’
‘You’re right.’
She went around to his side of the table and put her arms around him from behind, kissing the side of his face. ‘It might not have been the weekend either of us expected, but it’s still been perfect.’
He turned and kissed her.
‘I wish this wasn’t another goodbye,’ she said. ‘So soon after the last time.’
‘There are other options, you know,’ he said.
‘Like what, you coming to live in London? I can’t see that somehow.’
‘I could. I will,’ Euan said. ‘If that’s what it takes.’
‘No,’ Charlie said. ‘Anyway, you have to see your project through here. But my job isn’t moving.’
‘We can still see each other at weekends,’ Euan said. ‘Maybe not every weekend, but…’
‘This situation sucks.’ Charlie wrinkled her nose.
‘Yes. It does.’
‘Because I like you. I like you a lot.’ she said, looking down.
‘I made you say it,’ Euan said, taking her hand and smiling.
‘You didn’t make me,’ she laughed. ‘I wanted to say it.’
‘I don’t care why you said it,’ Euan said, beaming. ‘Just that you did.’
53
Monday 3 November
Séraphine was sitting in the library at the chateau, putting the books she’d bought in England, and the ones Kat had given her, away tidily on the shelves. Today was a day for settling back in at home, she’d decided. It weighed on her mind a little that she needed to start looking for a teaching job – and that she couldn’t live with her parents for ever – but all of that could wait another day.
Her thoughts were interrupted by her mobile ringing in her pocket: Kat.
‘Hello!’ she said, delighted.
‘Hi, Séraphine,’ Kat said.
‘Hey, so lovely to hear your voice.’ Séraphine took her phone over to the window seat and curled her jean-clad legs up under her. ‘I was just thinking of you, funnily enough. I was putting those Agatha Christie books you gave me away on the shelves in our library.’
‘You have a library?’ Kat marvelled. ‘I really must get one of those.’
Séraphine laughed. ‘We have a little more space here.’
‘So how is everything?’
‘It’s good to be back.’ Since she’d been home, Séraphine had felt more settled, complete. Her outlook had shifted.
‘Did it all go OK with Carla? How was it, seeing her again?’
Séraphine shut the library door and lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘It was fantastic. We just clicked back – the two of us, as if we hadn’t been away from each other at all. And yet we’ve grown in the time we were apart, we’ve been through it together. You know, Kat, in some ways going to England was a good test – you know? I’ve never been more sure that I want to be with her.’
‘I’m pleased to hear that,’ Kat said. ‘I hope to meet Carla one day soon. And how are things with your family?’
‘Busy.’ Séraphine thought of the excitement and upheaval in the household with her brother’s return the day before. ‘And interesting.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘You know I told you about Guillaume? My brother who disappeared? Well he’s back living with us again.’
‘Wow. And that’s good, I hope?’
‘It’s good, yes. Not entirely straightforward – he still has some things to sort out – but it’s good.’
‘Is he settling back in OK?’
‘Yes. The twins are delighted, and I think playing with them is a good distraction for him too. We haven’t talked much about what happened yet.’
‘And what about you – have you told anyone about you and Carla yet?’
‘No,’ Séraphine said. She paused for a moment. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. But it never seems to be the right time.’
‘Is Carla OK with that?’
‘Yes. No. She wants us to be out in the open. So do I. But now I’m here – it’s harder than I thought it would be. I have a lot to lose.’
Every time Séraphine tried to imagine telling her parents, the scene would end in one of them – usually her mother – storming out. She couldn’t picture them understanding or accepting it. What would they say at church? That was what her mother would be worried about. Last night, in bed, she’d wondered if her parents would go so far as to cut her out of the family.
‘But what will happen if you don’t tell them?’ Kat said.
‘My life will keep on being a lie,’ Séraphine said. ‘Not so brilliant, I suppose, when you look at it that way.’
The line fell silent for a moment.
‘Enough about me,’ Séraphine said. ‘How are you?’
‘Ugh,’ Kat said.
‘Ugh, what?’
‘Ugh – everything’s a mess.’
‘What’s happened?’
‘How long have you got?’
‘There’s no hurry.’
‘I have no idea where to start, Séraphine. The last couple of days have been so insane. I feel as if I want to laugh and cry all at once.’
‘Start at the beginning. Take your time. BREATHE.’
Séraphine heard Kat take a deep breath, then she started to talk. She told Séraphine everything – what had happened with Letty, and the new relationship she had to Euan. How she’d nearly fallen out with Charlie, until they managed to talk things through…
‘So, let me get this straight,’ Séraphine said, her mind reeling with all the information. ‘Since I saw you last, you’ve gained a mother – and a brother?’
Kat laughed. ‘I told you it was insane. Yes, Euan’s my half-brother.’
‘You weren’t exaggerating. That is crazy.’
‘I know. It’s been pretty awful.’
‘Awful?’ Séraphine said, slowly processing what she’d heard. ‘I mean, I can understand that it would be a huge shock. I’m
not trying to say otherwise. But does it have to be a bad thing?’
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I can get past feeling betrayed about it all. Letty lying to me, my dad lying to me…’
‘That will take time, sure,’ Séraphine said. ‘But look at it this way. You’ve gained someone new in your life – two people, in fact. You haven’t lost anyone.’
‘I don’t know. I feel as if I have.’
‘Do you think talking to Letty again would help?’
‘I’m not sure I’m ready. I passed the Seafront on my walk home. It was the strangest thing, walking by and not going inside to say hi. I don’t think I’ve ever done that.’
‘Letty doesn’t have to be a mother to you, you know,’ Séraphine said. ‘You don’t have to accept her as anyone other than who you want her to be.’
‘I know it sounds strange, but Letty’s the one I feel I’ve lost.’
Séraphine walked upstairs to her room, thinking about Kat and wishing she could be with her, if only for an evening, to help her feel stronger again. She felt sure that Letty would be suffering too, possibly regretting the decisions she’d made.
She looked into Guillaume’s room. He was sitting on his bed, dark-blond hair covering one eye, his acoustic guitar on his lap, strumming it quietly.
‘I’ve missed that sound,’ she said.
He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Come in.’
She closed the door behind her and sat on his beanbag. ‘So here you are again,’ she said.
‘Here I am again,’ he said, distantly.
‘Are you feeling OK?’
He nodded. ‘Better than I thought I would. I think the hardest part has been realising what I put Mum and Dad through.’
She raised an eyebrow.
‘What I put you all through.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she said. ‘What happened?’
‘I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I realised that something needed to change. That rock bottom was a police cell, and knowing I had no home to go back to.’
The Seafront Tea Rooms Page 25
