“No, you two go ahead,” she says with a soft smile. “I have a phone call to make.”
No doubt to Deklan.
Cole stands abruptly and starts clearing the table. I feel his gaze on me as he watches us walk out the door and down the front steps.
Ryder is quiet. Neither of us says a word as we cross the street.
We walk a city block before he glances at me and takes my hand. “I want to thank you, Ange.”
I brush my thumb along his. “Thank me? For what?”
“For being there for me when I needed someone. You’ve been a good friend and I sincerely appreciate that.”
I notice that his hand is shaking. I squeeze it. “Are you okay?”
“No, not really.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask, pulling him toward a short retaining wall. I sit down and he joins me.
Last night he’d been the one to ask about my problems. Now I want to be there for him.
He opens his mouth but hesitates. “A friend of mine came by the shop yesterday and gave Deklan some pills that she said belonged to me.”
“But you don’t take pills. You’ve been clean for weeks.”
He takes a deep breath and releases it in a sigh. “I had been clean for almost two weeks, but then the night at the Roxbury I took pills.”
“So you were using when the band confronted you?”
Again, he hesitates and I have my answer.
He runs his hands through his hair. “Everyone is going to hate me.”
“No, they won’t.”
“Deklan is pissed. I looked him in the eye and I lied to him. I was just too afraid to say anything to them, especially when I was being told I’d be cut from the band. We’ve waited forever to get the Gorge Days gig, and I can’t deal with being cut again, especially when I’m struggling to stay clean.”
Kenzie had told me about how it had been for Ryder before, and how everyone had managed to get clean but him.
Of course I feel disappointed by the news, but I also respect him for telling me.
“Do Brooke and Curtis know?”
“Not yet. Deklan told me it was up to me to come clean, so that’s what I’m going to do. I just wanted to talk to you first.”
I am strangely moved by that.
“I can do this, Ange. I know I can. I did it before. I can do it again. I just hope it’s not too late, and that the guys will let me back in the band before Gorge Days.”
“How long will it take to pee clean?”
“Three to four days maybe?”
“I’ll do what I can to help you. My mom is completely into holistic medicine. She’s tried everything from naturopathic medicine to cure arthritis to acupuncture and massage. Some people think it’s crap, but honestly—it works.”
I can see the hope in his eyes, and it makes me feel better to know that I can help.
“I’m happy to help you in any way I can, Ryder. This is serious, but I know you can do it.”
I slide my hand around his elbow and he smiles. “Maybe you can spend the night again with me soon. Like tonight?”
“I can’t tonight.”
“Why? Does Cole want you home?”
He sounds almost jealous…and I’m surprised by that.
I frown, even if I’m a little encouraged by the fact he might be jealous. “Of course he doesn’t want me home. He has his girlfriend.”
“He doesn’t like me.”
“Maybe he’s threatened by you.” I think most men are intimidated by Ryder.
“Should he be threatened by me?” he asks, and I can feel my heart pounding in my ears. “Do you have feelings for me, Ange?”
Ryder
I hold my breath as I await Ange’s answer.
The sides of her mouth quirk. “Yes.”
I half expect her to say no, that she feels nothing for me. That her Neanderthal of a boyfriend who she’d been crushing on since she was a girl still had her heart, even after introducing his girlfriend to her.
But she has feelings for me. Me, prescription drug abuser me. Drug addict me. I’ve become so used to being looked down upon by everyone around me—family, close friends, and even acquaintances who had heard of Brooke’s overdose, that the last person I had expected to still have my back was a girl who I thought would judge me harsher than anyone else.
She continues to surprise me…in all the best ways.
I reach out and take hold of her hand.
She grins at me. “I want to help you, Ryder. You’re stronger than you know.”
“Thanks, and you’re not the ice queen I thought you were.”
She hits me playfully on the arm. “Me? An ice queen? Now that’s a first. I’ll have you know I received the award for most welcoming student at Saint Catherine’s three years in a row.”
“Wow, how impressive.” And to think that all this time I thought I had her all figured out, I realize how far off base I had been.
She had a heart of gold. Here she was ready to throw me a lifeline when everyone else in my life had pretty much bailed and given up on me. Well, Deklan hadn’t given up on me, but he was tired…and I honestly didn’t blame him. I could exhaust anyone. Hell, I exhausted myself.
“Ryder, you’ll be alright. We’ll get you help, but will you promise me something?”
My heart misses a beat. I didn’t like making promises to anyone, because I rarely, if ever, delivered.
“If you try the different holistic remedies and it doesn’t work for you—will you go to an in-patient rehab facility?
I stare into her beautiful green eyes. I could have promised her anything just to get her off my ass. The thing is, I need someone who is willing to push me, and to help me, and to make me believe that I can get clean if I really want to.
And the thing is…I really want to.
I need a new direction. I want more than being a front desk clerk and assistant at Branded. First step, I need to get clean.
Ange rests her head against my shoulder. “I believe in you, Ryder. Now you just have to believe in yourself.”
NINETEEN
Ryder
The knocking at the door won’t stop.
At first I wonder if Deklan has locked himself out, then remember that he’s stashed a key. He’d said he had errands to run and would be back before dinner.
Maybe Ange or Kenzie? No, they were having a family potluck over at Brooke’s house.
I bury my head under my pillow and wait for the person to go away.
They don’t.
Instead, the knocking continues and grows louder by the second.
Maybe Deklan has misplaced the stash key.
That, or a neighbor is being a dick. Great, just what I needed on top of everything else.
I pull my jeans on and walk toward the door.
Taking a look in the mirror, I run a hand through my hair and yank the door open.
My mother’s frown pierces my soul.
She is the last person I expect to come knocking at my door.
“Joshua.”
Aside from my grandmother and teachers, she’s the only person who calls me by my given name.
Her gaze shifts slowly over my body and back up again, coming to a stop at the tattoo on my upper arm. “Oh, you didn’t.” The disgust and disappointment is evident in her expression and voice.
“Good morning to you too, Mom.”
“Actually, it’s afternoon.” She flashes a too tight smile my way while she gazes past me. She’s dying to get in, no doubt so she can inspect and tell me everything that is wrong with the place.
“It has come to my attention that you have fallen off the wagon…again.”
Who the hell would have told her that?
/>
“I’ve been clean for two days. Actually, almost three.”
“Oh wow, Joshua. Three whole days. Perhaps I should buy you a medal. Seventy-two hours without abusing your body with narcotics. What an amazing accomplishment.”
“Thanks for the encouragement.” I try to remember the years when she wasn’t a sarcastic, keeping up with the Joneses cold bitch. She had been kind at one time, right? It hadn’t been my drug-addled mind just wishing it to make me feel better.
Her eyelids close and she takes a long, steadying breath. “I do not understand what happened in your life that makes you think you need to take drugs to get through a day. My God, Joshua…you didn’t even make it two weeks without using again.”
I feel a sense of anger toward whomever it was who had told her this information. What the hell?
“Please tell me what it is that is so tough about your life that you feel you must use narcotics?” She actually taps her foot. “Hmmm?”
Part of it might be my unfeeling, insensitive mother who cares more about her status in the community than her own family. How badly I want to say the words, but I don’t want to deal with the tirade that would follow.
Not wanting my neighbors to be privy to our conversation, I ask, “Do you want to come in?”
She hesitates and glances past me into the hallway once more. She’s not fooling me for a second.
“I’m alone.”
Staring at my tattoo, she passes by me, muttering something unintelligible under her breath.
I offer her a seat on the couch and excuse myself long enough to put on a t-shirt, brush my teeth, and wash my face. When I walk into the room, she’s examining a picture of Kenzie and Deklan that had been taken at the county fair just weeks before. “A beautiful girl.”
“Yes, she is.” I grab the coffee pot out of the cradle and fill it with water. “Would you like some coffee?”
She sets the picture back down and crosses her arms over her chest.
“No, thank you.”
I set the coffee pot in the sink and instead grab a bottle of water out of the fridge, and again, offer her one.
She shakes her head.
“Your father suggested I drop by and see you. We have options for you.”
How typical that my father would have ideas, but it would be my mother to deliver the news. Some things never changed, and in my household they never would. My mother wore the pants in the family.
Not waiting for me to ask what the plans were, she continues. “There is a rehabilitation facility in Bellingham that we have checked into and it takes your father’s insurance plan.”
“Bellingham. Isn’t that like five hours away?”
“Four, actually. Your father and I both feel that being around Vancouver and your friends would make it difficult for your recovery.”
“My friends aren’t the problem. I’m the problem, Mom.”
“Be that as it may, Joshua, we feel it would be easiest for you to recover at a location away from Vancouver. You don’t need the temptation of getting in a car and driving a couple of hours to get here. That’s just plain dangerous and out of the question.”
“I want to be near family and friends. This is home. This is where I need to be to recover.”
She sniffs. “Out of the question.”
Once again she isn’t listening to a word I say.
“I don’t need rehab anyway. I’m going to—”
“You were kicked out of your band yet again, Joshua. You are burning bridges. How will you get through life if you continually expect everyone to just look the other way whenever you do something wrong?”
“Burning bridges?”
“Yes, Joshua. You are burning bridges. Do you not realize that?”
Just her tone has me on edge. In fact, I am shaking and she knows it. She glances at my hand. I clench my fist and force myself to calm down. “How is it that you seem to know so much about what’s happening in my life?”
She actually shifts on her feet but keeps her gaze steady. “I dropped by the home where you had been living with Deklan and spoke to Curtis. My goodness, that boy’s hair is horrendous. I can only imagine how difficult it is to clean those—what is it that you call them—dreadlocks.” She shakes her head. “Anyway, he told me you had moved out with Deklan and seemed shocked you had not told me. I am surprised by Deklan as well. Normally he keeps me apprised of everything.”
I feel a huge sense of relief knowing the information had come by way of Curtis and not Deklan.
“I’m getting clean, Mom.” It isn’t a lie. I haven’t had drugs since the day before yesterday, and now, after her visit, I am even more determined to get clean.
“We’ve heard that before, Joshua.”
“Thanks for your visit, Mom.” I stand and take a controlling breath. “I have work today.”
“At the tattoo parlor downstairs?” She lifts her brow. “Soon I’m sure you’ll be covered with them…just like your best friend. I adore Deklan. You know I do, but what compels a person to cover themselves in ink?” She gives a shudder. “Repulsive.”
Get the fuck out. I want to scream the words. Instead, I walk toward the door, giving her no choice but to follow me.
“I don’t think you understand. Your father and I have already put a deposit down on the facility in Bellingham—”
“Mom, I didn’t ask for your help with this. In fact, you told me to get out of your house until I could piss clean.”
She lifts her chin two inches. “I’m teaching you responsibility, Joshua.”
I have a dozen retorts and yet I keep my mouth shut. She is brimming with anger and I wonder why. What happened in her life that she’s so fucking miserable, that even now, when she is facing her oldest son, she can show so little emotion?
My heart is pounding so hard, I’m surprised it’s not flying right out of my chest. “I appreciate the offer. I honestly do…but I’m doing this my way. Deklan is helping, and so is my band, and Kenzie and Ange.”
She frowns. “Who is Ange?”
“A really great girl,” I say, wishing she were here right now. “Someone you would actually approve of.” Most of all because she came from money and my mom was all about the money. “And she’s taking me for some holistic treatments.”
“Holistic?” Her brow lifts, along with the side of her lip. “Honestly, honey. I think you’re bound for failure. You’ll never do it alone.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.”
“If we can’t get the money refunded, I’ll be adding it to the list of money you owe your father and I.”
“What list?”
She had a list of the money I had borrowed through my life? Hell, I had just graduated from high school. “Never mind.”
She scrunches her nose. “Is that mildew I smell?”
“It’s an older building. I love it here.”
“How can you afford it…or dare I ask?”
“I’m working for rent.” Granted, Deklan paid the majority of all the bills right now, but I was doing my best to pay him back, and I was determined to pay him back. “I have a job.”
“No college then?”
“Maybe one day.”
Clearing her throat, she gives me a bored look. “You’ll probably be hearing from your father.”
“He can call me anytime, Mom.”
I half expect her to say her door would be open at any time, but there was no talk about me coming home. Not that I want to. It’s just sobering to know that this is how things with my mom would end.
What if I’d been a truly awful kid? It’s not like I hadn’t done my part around the house. I’d spent a decade mowing the yard every Saturday. Well, before Deklan had arrived on the scene and taken over most of the chores.
>
She brushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Your hair is getting too long, dear. You look scruffy.”
Her touch feels foreign to me. She had never been a hugger or overly affectionate. My grandma’s hugs—now you felt the love. No one hugged like her. Just thinking of my grandma made me realize how much I had disappointed her … and everyone else who loved and cared about me.
I had a lot of making up to do.
“Well, goodbye, Joshua.”
“Goodbye, Mom,” I say to her retreating back.
I close the door and stand with my head against the wood, listening until her steps fade in the distance. She feels like a stranger to me.
If my own mother didn’t believe in me and my ability to get clean without a rehab center, then it was up to me to change everyone’s mind.
I pick up my phone and call Ange.
She doesn’t answer, and I immediately wonder if she is out with Cole. After all, Payton left first thing today to head home.
I also wonder what had happened the other night after I walked her home. She had been honest to me about Cole—how they had fooled around, and how she had felt guilty about it afterward. I’d had to grit my teeth when I thought about how he’d used her, and then I thought of all the women who would like to have their boyfriends beat the shit out of me.
Maybe it was karma for all the crap I had pulled in my time.
All I know is that I feel like a better person because Ange is in my life. Seeing things through her eyes gives me a better perspective of what I want. She knows what she wants, and she is determined to go after it.
And her parents…they sound a bit obnoxious and completely anal about controlling her life, but then again, I wonder what it would feel like to have someone care so much that they were determined to give you the best life possible.
I sit in the nearest chair and finish off the water. In the past forty-eight hours I’ve heard and seen my family and my best friend on the planet tell me I need help.
Ange had said she’d help.
I punch in her phone number and send a text.
Me: I NEED YOUR HELP!
The phone immediately rings. “Ryder, are you okay?”
Ryder's Redemption (Badboy Rockers #2) Page 15
