I pick it up and bring it closer to my face.
Good morning
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for everything. I enjoyed every single second and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I couldn’t think of a better way to experience my first time nor a more amazing person to share it with.
I think it was fate that brought us together and I think it’s fate that will tear us apart.
Although our time together was brief, I will remember it forever. And as strange as it sounds I think that’s where we both belong…in each other’s memories.
The perfect love that’s unattainable, but we managed to obtain it once. Perfect. Passionate. Primal.
As much as we’re the same I think we’re from two different worlds and the last thing I want is to ever try and change you. You’re perfect just the way you are.
And that’s how I’ll always remember you.
Good-bye and thank you to my first real love albeit brief it burned brighter than I could have ever imagined.
“No! Ahhh no,” I say falling to my knees.
“This can’t be real,” I say aloud. I run to the closet and open the doors waiting for her to surprise me with some unexpected humor.
Not a chance. The closet is as empty as I feel right now.
“Sir?” Three knocks on the door. “Is everything okay in there?”
“Go away!”
I hear the footsteps down the hall and bury my head in my hands.
Wait. I can find her. She surely hasn’t made it very far.
Then I realize I have absolutely no money. Even if I hitchhike it’s not like I can catch up with her. I don’t even know in what direction she’s going.
My entire weight plops down in a chair and I try and run scenarios through my head as quickly as possible.
I have to find her even though it’s clear she doesn’t want to be found.
But right now I have no money and everyone who was here for the parade will have been long gone. The last stragglers would have already checked out this morning.
I’ll ask at the lobby. It’s my only chance. If I just know what direction she headed and if there’s anyone going that way then I can find her.
I have to move fast. With every second that ticks by my chances decrease exponentially.
I spring from the chair and bolt to the elevator.
I slam my finger into the lobby button repeatedly until my finger jams.
I don’t feel the pain in my finger at all.
Right now nothing can be more painful that the knife that’s been stuck in my heart.
CHAPTER 11
Winter
Eight weeks later
I wake up and immediately vomit.
Why has this been happening so much lately?
Is something going around at college?
I get cleaned up and step outside to head to class. The winter wind slaps me right in the face and I raise my hand to cover the cough I feel about to make its presence.
“Ouch!” I say as I finish coughing.
When I raised my hands my forearms pressed against my chest. My breasts are so sensitive again.
Something’s just not right. I wonder if I have a more serious condition. Fortunately we have a small university clinic with an extremely low cost to be seen. I better get looked at before this winter illness turns into something bigger.
*****
An hour later I’m sitting in the doctor’s waiting room anxiously anticipating my results. The nurse had me fill out a five page questionnaire and then after a brief wait I met with the doctor. He asked me some questions and then ran what he called routine tests and then asked me to have a seat outside.
The phone on the nurse’s desk next to my chair rings and she picks it up.
“Yes, doctor. Yes. Yes. I’ll be right in.”
She stands and walks the few feet to his door. She enters but as she shuts the door she shoots me a strange look. It’s an evil look actually.
What was that for?
A few seconds later she emerges.
“The doctor has asked for a urine specimen,” she says. “You can use the restroom right over there.”
“Okay. Thank you,” I say taking the cup and showing myself to the ladies room.
What in the world is going on? Luckily I have been feeling dehydrated so I’ve been drinking water seemingly non-stop. I’m able to provide the specimen right away and a couple minutes later I’m outside handing it back to the nurse.
“If you can just have a seat,” she says.
“Sure,” I say.
I’m starting to get more and more anxious by the minute.
Why is the doctor running additional tests? This doesn’t seem good. Not. At. All.
The nurse takes my urine specimen into the doctor’s office.
I’m really getting nervous now. Do I have a more serious virus? I thought this was just a nasty cold with a lingering cough.
If I’m throwing up do I have a stomach infection?
A few minutes pass, but it seems like an eternity.
The door opens, and the nurse comes out. “The doctor will see you now,” she says holding the door open for me.
I stand up and walk through the door, which the nurse closes from the other side. It’s just the two of us now.
“Please have a seat,” the doctor says as he makes some notes on a computer printout that appears to have my name at the top.
I sit down on the cold fake leather chair. My hands brace the edges as I white knuckle grip the even colder steel bars that make up the frame on the underside of the padded seat which has been worn most of the way through.
My foot is tapping the ground profusely but I can’t seem to stop it.
The last thing I need right now is to have a serious illness. Winter will only make it worse, plus I need to really focus on my studies this semester. I can’t get distracted thinking about the mountain man any more than I already am.
“Winter,” he pauses. “There’s only one real way to tell you this.”
I don’t say anything.
“You’re pregnant.”
My body and mind go completely numb.
“Huh?”
“Based on the questionnaire you completed and the tests we ran I would estimate you’re about eight weeks along...if that rings any bells.”
If that rings any bells?
I want to deck him right in the face! I’m not someone who’s out there hooking up with every guy under the sun each weekend at those fraternity parties. I’ve only been with one guy my entire life!
I take a deep breath trying to put myself in the doctor’s shoes. I guess he sees girls like me every day. He’s probably tired of it by now and thinks we’re a bunch of loosey-goosey kids too eager to have sex and not careful enough to think through the consequences. As much as I hate to admit it he might be right.
“You have options,” he says trying to soften the blow.
“I don’t,” I say.
“Do you know who the father is?” he asks in a more comforting tone. I’m not sure if this is typical for how a doctor would approach this but then again he is a university doctor so I’m guessing he’s got some experience dealing with girls my age.
“I’d rather not say.”
“I understand. There are support groups and agencies to turn to. People will help you either direction you take.”
I’m still trying to wrap my head around what he’s telling me.
“There are some pamphlets in the lobby that the nurse will provide to you before you go.”
“Okay” I say. I just want to get out of there as quickly as possible.
“If you need anything they can help you.”
“Okay,” I repeat like a parrot.
“Do you have any questions?”
“No. I’m sorry. I mean thank you for your time.”
I get up from my seat and offer my hand. He shakes it and I turn and go as quickly as possible.
Th
e nurse hands me something which I grab like a baton during an Olympic relay sprint.
“We need you to sign the paperwork!” she says.
“Sorry,” I say as I turn around and come back. I scribble something that’s as close to my name as I can manage given the circumstances. I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible so nobody sees me.
“Thanks for your help,” I say.
I tuck the packet under my arm and speed walk out of the clinic.
How could I be so naive?
CHAPTER 12
Jason
I bring the ax down hard on the timber splitting it right in half and sending each piece of the log shooting in opposite directions.
I’ve got more than enough wood for this winter, but I need to do something to keep me busy. To keep my mind off of her.
I’ve walked back into that damn town five times now. Two days down and two days back. I’ve spent twenty days of the last sixty walking back and forth hoping someone in town has news about her. Just a glimpse. If anyone knows anything so I can get a start looking for her.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I line up another log and bring the ax down so hard that it impales the wood and carries right through finishing in the frozen dirt between my feet.
I tip the ax handle forward and back trying to loosen it from the ice.
I managed to chop the log and bury the ax in a thick sheet of ice that was underneath the snow I was standing on…all with one blow.
This is out of control. I’m going to hurt myself soon with this kind of behavior.
Half of me wishes I already did. The pain of an ax wouldn’t even come close to the pain of her leaving. I wish I could just hibernate like the bears up here so I wouldn’t have to think about this at all. I’m halfway there already. I’ve barely eaten these last two months.
All that talk that night and I didn’t even get her name. Not only that I was sure she was in this for the long haul.
How foolish I was. How utterly foolish to think she’d drop everything she had going on in her life and come up here in the middle of nowhere and live with me.
But that’s the part I tried to convey to her. Just being around her made me feel different. I was ready to make some changes and that started with re-assimilating into society…with her.
But now there’s no her and no society within sight.
Just me and my pain up here.
A bead of sweat drips from my forehead and carries down my body. By the time it reaches the middle of my stomach it’s already frozen.
I don’t even feel the cold anymore. I’m out here like a crazy man without so much as a shirt on.
I breathe deep and feel the cold enter my lungs.
“That’s right!” I yell hearing the echo through the mountains. “You can’t hurt me you son of a bitch!”
I don’t even know who I’m yelling at anymore. Not only that if I have to say I can’t be hurt then the truth is obvious…I’m beyond hurt.
But something seems different today. Something more intense.
Is it a full moon? The moon doesn’t just pull the tides. It affects people too. It’s not about horoscopes or zodiacs…this is real. Nature can affect our moods more than most people care to admit.
But I’m not even trying to pretend like it doesn’t.
Something’s different today. I know I tell myself that every day, but today I can just feel it.
I bury my ax in the wood and walk down to the stream. I’m going to bath in the little water that still moving and then get dressed and walk back into town.
Something is pulling me there. Something is telling me to take all the money I have left and just go.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do and I’m not going to stop until I find her.
CHAPTER 13
Winter
“Just to take a semester off,” I say to the admissions officer.
“Miss Lewis, it’s not this universities policy to permit gaps in instruction.”
“But it’s a common thing. Lots of universities do it.”
“But not this university. If everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you do the same?”
Really? Now she’s going to talk to me like she’s my mom.
“Sorry to take up your time,” I say.
I stand up and leave.
“You can re-apply when you’re ready to continue. Of course there will be a new application f—”
I shut the door and just start running.
I’m pregnant with a child and all she cares about is her stupid two hundred dollar application fee! I’m so tired of education becoming this mammoth business masquerading as helping people learn things.
Look at the boys here. Most are technically borderline alcoholics spending four years trying to get laid while their parents drop their life savings in the hope a piece of paper will get them a job. Or at worst they can brag to their friends about where their son, or daughter, goes to college.
I swear I could learn this stuff on YouTube for free. But YouTube doesn’t give you the piece of paper that every employer is looking for.
The tears start falling and I pick up my pace.
Employers. That’s exactly what I suddenly need. A job.
I need money now that I’m going to have a child to support.
But if I’m not enrolled in classes anymore then I probably don’t have access to the university hospital.
Great. Just great!
I can imagine it now. Um, hello. Can you please hire me? I’m two months pregnant with no money and a college drop out. So I’ll need a salary and benefits and lots of time off and then in seven months I’ll need a couple more months to be with my child because of course…I’m a single parent.
The worst part is I really liked that guy. Really really liked him. Sarge is all I know.
I’ve wanted to go look for him since the day I left. I knew it was a mistake, but there’s no way I can go back now. Now I’ll just look like a desperate and foolish girl trying to latch on to him in my time of need.
The craziest part is I bet he’d take me in. I could see he truly loved me. And as crazy as it sounds I loved him too. I was just so scared. We connected so quickly and so passionately and it scared me a lot. I wanted to finish school and I know he was living in the middle of nowhere.
He passed out and for an hour I paced about the room trying to figure out the best course of action.
As hard as it was I had to go. I had to walk out without the tears and without him stopping me, because I know he would have.
There was no way he was going to willing let me go and that’s the part I loved the most.
He’d do anything for me. Absolutely anything.
But not now. I can’t allow him to.
This is my baby and my responsibility. I need to toughen up and figure this out for myself.
My run slows to a walk and a few minutes later I’m at my car.
I’ll drive back to my dorm room and gather my things.
I’ll sleep in my room for one more night and then I’ll let my roommate know in the morning that I’ll be leaving. I’ve already paid my half for the semester so it won’t be any problem for her. She’ll have her own room in fact.
Good. I’m tired of causing problems for other people.
If my actions are careless or reckless then so be it…if it only causes pain for myself.
But there’s no pain that can match the pain I feel now from messing up the best thing I ever had.
Him.
CHAPTER 14
Jason
Three days later
“Sir, we can’t give out information regarding any of our students. It’s federal law,” the girl at the reception desk at the admissions office says.
“Can you just tell me if she was ever enrolled?”
“Sir, you’re describing someone. You don’t even have a name. I’m sure you can imagine how many young women fit that description that go to this university.”<
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Mountain Man's Secret Baby: An Older Man Younger Woman Romance (A Man Who Knows What He Wants Book 41) Page 6
