by Davis, Mary
She gazed into his stormy gray eyes. As soon as she suggested leaving, she knew he would want to stay. She felt some comfort in knowing him well enough to anticipate what he would say. But there was still so much she didn’t know—so much he hadn’t said—so much she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Was she “better off” not knowing, as Roger had said?
Roger’s mouth stretched into a smile, and he wiggled RJ’s legs. “You want to get a hot dog, Son?”
“Hot dog!” RJ’s voice carried to people near and far.
“Hot dog it is,” she said.
❧
Roger opened his wallet and paid the hot-dog vendor. Jackie had found a vacant picnic table and was sitting there with RJ. He set the cardboard tray holding the drinks and hot dogs on the table.
RJ snatched his hot dog out of the bun and raised it to his mouth.
“Wait.” Roger reached over and put it back in the bun. “Like this.” He wrapped both hands around it and pretended to take a bite. “Mmm.”
Jackie snickered at him.
He swung his head toward her. “One step at a time. First he learns to eat it in a bun, then add a little catsup, then mustard. Then graduate up to relish and chili and onions. Who knows from there?”
Jackie laughed at him. “Putting his hot dog in a bun is like wrapping it in paper and asking him to eat it.”
“You’ll see. He’ll become a premiere hot dog connoisseur.”
“But not today.” She looked over sympathetically at RJ.
He turned back to his son. RJ’s lower lip was quivering. Roger stripped the hot dog from its bun and handed it back to RJ. “Not today.”
Roger made a show of how much he liked his loaded chili dog. RJ imitated him by saying “Mmm” to each bite of his plain dog. And Jackie chuckled at them both.
“Just you wait. I’ll teach him to appreciate a real hot dog.”
“Maybe you will—when he’s older.”
“ ‘Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.’ ”
“I don’t think the Lord had hot dogs in mind.”
“It’s the principle. Train a child young.”
“Why don’t you save yourself some grief and wait until he’s a teen?”
“But think of all the years he’ll miss out.”
She cocked her head toward RJ. “He couldn’t enjoy that hot dog more if you smothered it in chocolate syrup.”
“That sounds disgusting.”
She shrugged. “A two year old’s two main food groups.”
When the hot dogs were gone and the soda consumed and Roger had disposed of the trash, Jackie said, “I need to change his diaper.”
He stood up from the table. “I’ll get his bag.”
“And the stroller.”
“I’ll be right back.” As he walked away from his wife and son, his gut tightened. He turned back. They were still sitting at the table. Jackie smiled and waved, then coaxed RJ to do the same. He waved back and continued to his bike. He couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling. He should have listened when Jackie wanted to bring the bag and stroller with them from his bike. He thought they would get in the way, and it would be easy enough to retrieve them if they needed them. He had no idea how much a two year old needed. He had a lot to learn. Leaving his family alone now gave him a deep uneasy feeling. He glanced around. Surely they were safe in a public park. He picked up his pace, retrieved the bag and stroller, and hurried back.
Jackie met him along the way with RJ on her hip. “He didn’t want to stay put.”
After changing his diaper quickly, she strapped RJ into the stroller. “It won’t take long for him to fall asleep once he’s forced to stop moving.”
“In the stroller?”
“Unless you want to carry around forty pounds of dead weight for an hour?”
She had a point, and in matters of their son she did know best. “The stroller it is.” They set out on the path around the lake again. It would take them away from the majority of the activity and noise.
He rested his hand on the small of his wife’s back. Jackie didn’t seem to mind, although there used to be a time when she would have leaned into him; at least she didn’t pull away. It would take time for her to get comfortable with him again and trust him. If she only realized they might have many years together, with God’s help, it would be easier on her. He wasn’t planning to go anywhere again. Of course he hadn’t planned to leave that night; he’d had to go.
“Do you remember the first time we went up to Snow-qualmie Falls?” he asked her.
“It was a Thursday, our third date in three days. We walked on the path at the bottom of the falls. Mist from the thundering water sprayed our faces. Your eyes narrowed ever so slightly. You had a strange, introspective look. I still don’t know what it meant. But then it passed. You came back to me with a gentle, satisfied smile and kissed me for the first time.”
His mouth stretched in a grin. “I guess you do remember.”
“What were you thinking about then?”
“You.”
“That’s vague.”
He hadn’t meant to be. Everything that day had come back to her. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, even when he wasn’t with her. He had never been more aware of another person. “You” seemed to sum up his thoughts because she was part of them all. “You were wearing black jeans and a pink angora sweater. I’d given you my jacket for the ride on my motorcycle. You still had it on. I was trying to figure out the chaos you were causing in my heart. You came into focus, standing in my jacket, the falls crashing behind you, and I knew I always wanted you in my jacket, metaphorically speaking. I hadn’t felt a peace like that in years. It seemed natural to kiss you after my revelation. Since the day I met you, almost everything in my life revolved around thoughts of you.”
“Is that why you kept pushing for me to keep your coat? I thought you were being so generous.”
He laughed. “I didn’t feel generous. I felt selfish and hypocritical because I believed I would get it back one day with you in it. The Lord had impressed upon my heart that you were the girl for me. I was disappointed when you wouldn’t accept it.”
“I regretted it immediately. I always wished I’d kept it.”
He shucked off his coat and draped it over her shoulders. “It’s yours. It’s a little more used and beat up.”
Jackie stopped the stroller and touched the collar of his jacket. “I don’t want your coat anymore.”
“What do you want, Jackie?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He saw something flicker in her gaze, but she said nothing more. He suspected she did know but was afraid or unwilling to answer. He supposed it was only fair. He hadn’t given her any answers, so why should she give him any?
He gazed at his wife again in his black leather jacket with water behind her; it wasn’t the falls, but the effect was the same. He pressed his lips to hers but didn’t linger. He wanted more, so much more, but this would have to do for now.
He was glad she hadn’t pushed him for details today—details he couldn’t give her. After RJ’s nap and a few more turns on the rides and feeling like a real family, it was time to leave. He wanted to get on the highway and head out of town and not look back. Take his family and run. But he needed to trust the Lord to help him finish his mission as well as keep his family safe. So he took them back to the park near Jackie’s parents’ home.
“Do you have to work tonight?” he asked.
“No, I’m off until Tuesday.”
Roger smiled. “Would you consent to dinner? The three of us.”
“That would be nice,” she said, smiling back.
He had missed her smile. “Six o’clock at Manny’s?”
Her smile faded. “Not there.”
He sensed her pulling away from him. How could he be so careless? Bad suggestion. “You pick the place.”
“I don’t know. It’s already been a long day.”
<
br /> He took her hand. “Please.”
Six
Roger stood when he saw Jackie enter the Chinese restaurant they used to visit. Wow! Her dress fit her well, modest yet becoming. He met her halfway between their table and the entrance. “That color looks great on you.”
“Thank you. It’s mocha.”
“What is?” He held out her chair.
“This color is mocha.”
“Oh.” It looked brown to him. He grinned. He never was good with the vogue names for colors. “Where’s RJ?”
“At home with Mom and Dad. He was too tired to come.”
So it was just the two of them, and she had dressed up. She had convinced him to meet her at the restaurant to avoid a conflict with her parents. He would face them sooner or later. For now, he needed to know where he stood with his wife. When he finally did face his in-laws, would Jackie stand beside him or against him?
The last time he had sat across from her, he’d presented her with a gift and life was good. In an instant, everything had changed. Now he stared at his menu without reading. He knew what he would order before he arrived. He knew she did as well. They always ordered the same items and rarely opened the menus. But tonight the menu served as something tangible he could hold, as it seemed to do for her.
“I had a good time today,” he said after the waiter took their usual orders and their menus.
She nodded. “Me too. RJ’s highlight had to be the motorcycle ride.”
“He’s really cute, but I can’t say I’m disappointed he couldn’t come. It gives us a chance to be alone.”
She sighed. “How long can we do this, Roger?”
“Do what—exactly?”
“Dance around this gaping hole in our lives?”
Not much longer, he supposed.
Jackie laid her napkin in her lap. “We can go off and do things like today, acting like a real family, but we aren’t because we are no longer a couple, and I’m not sure you want us to be. I don’t know which way is up anymore. Three days and you have me in a complete tailspin. Where do we go from here?”
He took her hand. “I want to make things right between us.”
“But you aren’t. I can’t move forward blindly. I need answers. None of this makes any sense.”
“Ask your questions, and I’ll do my best to answer them.” He hoped he could fill in some of the hole he had created between them.
“Where have you been all this time?”
He paused until the waiter had served their soup and egg rolls and left their table. “I’ve been all over.”
Jackie slapped her napkin on the table. “I can’t do this! Vague answers that tell me nothing—‘away,’ ‘all over.’ ” She slid her chair out and stood. “Let me know when you’re serious.”
He stood, too, and grabbed her hand again. “I’m going to tell you more, but you have to understand I can’t tell you everything yet.” He hoped what he could tell her would be enough.
They sat back down, and he continued. “I’ve been in Utah, Montana, Oregon, Canada, Chicago, Florida, D.C. I was even in Europe and Australia for awhile and most recently California.”
Anger burned in her eyes. He could see she didn’t like his answer, but it was the truth. “So, while I was miserable thinking you were dead and almost miscarried RJ because of the stress, you were gallivanting across the country and around the world?”
“It wasn’t a pleasure trip, I can assure you. I was working. I took odd jobs wherever I went. I sold books in a little used book shop in Canada; was an orderly in a Chicago hospital; waited tables in Europe, Utah, and Montana; worked at an electronics store in California; delivered pizza in Oregon; and had a variety of other jobs along the way just so I could eat.”
“So you weren’t delirious or in a coma in some obscure hospital? No amnesia?”
He had to chuckle. “No, nothing so romantic.”
“In all your travels you couldn’t pick up a phone or send me a postcard: ‘Jackie, I’ve gone off to see the world—be home in a couple of years.’ ”
“I wrote that first week telling you I had to go away and didn’t know when I would return.”
Some of the color drained from her face. “You wrote?”
He nodded. Just one was a huge risk. If he had been caught or the letter traced— “Didn’t you get it?”
“Oh, I’m sure I got it—along with all the others claiming to be you or some sicko saying they knew where I could find your body and would show me personally but no police. The police said they were all cranks. It’s amazing how many sick people there are out there. Your disappearance didn’t even make the first section. It was a little blurb tucked between a news item about a nursing home getting new carpet and another one about some rock exhibit at a museum. I’m surprised anyone read it at all.”
He, for one, was glad it wasn’t front-page news or Jackie would have been in greater danger right from the start. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I never imagined you thought I was dead this whole time.” There was of course no body, and he had written. But without further word from him, she had evidently thought the worst.
“I got nothing in your handwriting. I would have known.”
“I wasn’t in real great shape, and my writing was shaky.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I was injured.” Injured? Half dead was more like it. “Can we leave it at that?”
She leaned forward. “I’m a nurse, Roger—remember? I could’ve helped.”
“Please believe me. I couldn’t go to you for help.” He picked up his spoon and stirred his soup.
“Is that why there was blood on your cell phone?” Her hand shook slightly as she reached for her glass of water.
“Yes. Can we move on to something else?”
She wrestled her napkin back onto her lap. “I just want a few answers.”
He was out of answers he could give her.
The waiter brought their dinner. Neither had touched the food already on the table. He suspected their food would be cold before they ate, if they ate at all.
Jackie set her napkin on the table and stood.
He stood also and touched her arm. “Please don’t go.”
“I’m just going to the rest room. I promise not to slip out the back door and leave you wondering.” She took her purse and walked across the restaurant.
Ouch. He probably deserved that. But he wouldn’t endanger her by telling her too much. He would rather have her mad at him than dead. At least mad meant still breathing.
He took a spoonful of soup. It was cold. He pushed it aside and waited for Jackie to return.
❧
Jackie pulled at her bangs. She had cut them too short, and they were just getting back to a good manageable length. She freshened her lipstick. She was stalling. This whole trip to the rest room was a detour. So far she had avoided the most important question, and no vague answer would satisfy her. She took a deep breath to steel herself and walked back into the restaurant.
Roger held her chair, then sat down again. He handed her the dish of steamed rice.
She wasn’t hungry but dished some onto her plate anyway. It gave her something to do.
When they had food on their plates, Roger broke the silence. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”
She looked up. “Did you think I wouldn’t care you were gone?”
“I hoped you cared, but I had more than just you to think about.”
“Thanks a lot.” She unwrapped her chopsticks and yanked them apart.
“I prayed for you all the time and assumed you understood from my letter I had to be away.”
“Well, now you know I didn’t.” She pushed the food around on her plate. Though she was fearful of what his answer might be, she needed to know, no matter how painful.
Roger put his hand over hers where it rested on the table. “I’m sorry for everything I put you through. If I could go back and do it all over, I would change many things, starting
with our anniversary.”
She stared at his hand covering hers. She would change things too. Bile rose in her throat as she prepared to speak. “Was there someone else?” She held her breath.
“What?”
She closed her eyes, then opened them, meeting his gaze. “Did you leave me for another woman?”
He answered quickly. “No.”
“While you were gone then, was there someone else?”
His initial surprise softened. “Never. How could you think such a thing?”
“You were gone for more than two and a half years.”
“So that automatically makes me unfaithful?”
“Two and a half years is a long time.”
He took his hand from hers. “I know it is, but I promise I have been faithful to you.”
She wanted to believe him, but with no other answers to fill the void it was hard.
“What about you?” A sudden thin chill hung on the edge of his words.
She looked up into his angry face. “What about me?”
“Have you been faithful to me?”
She flinched at the tone of his voice. How dare he! “Of course I have!” People turned from the tables nearby and looked at them.
“Hospitals are full of single handsome doctors. Doctors disillusioned with their own wives. A young, beautiful nurse, confused and alone—”
“Stop it!”
“Why? It’s not so far fetched. One thing can lead to another.”
“I have never been with anyone else.”
“And neither have I. Why is that so hard to believe? Because I’m a man, and it’s in our nature to cheat?”
“If there wasn’t another woman, why did you leave and stay away so long?”
“It was business.”
A woman she could almost understand. But business? Whatever that meant. She grabbed her purse and stood.
Roger latched onto her wrist. “I could never be with anyone else. You are the only woman for me.”
“I don’t know where you’ve been or who you have been with. Since you won’t tell me anything, I have to fill in the missing time my own way.” She pulled from his grasp and walked out.
