by Riley Hart
Libby came back with their waters. When she left again, Van leaned back in the seat and locked eyes with Shane. His green gaze was intense, ensnaring him. “That’s one of the things I like and respect the most about you.”
“That I don’t tell people I’m gay?”
“No. It sounds bad when you say it like that. Just the fact that you don’t need validation from anyone for anything. You are who you are and you’re strong in that, even if you’re standing alone the way you did as a child. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.”
Van ran his finger along the rim of his glass, and Shane waited, heart in his throat, to see what Van said next. Because there was more, he knew it.
“When I lived here, I knew I was gay. I knew I wanted nothing to do with women and I was so afraid of that. I fucked girls to prove to myself I wasn’t. To prove my…straightness. I couldn’t admit the truth to myself, much less anyone else. Then when I moved to LA, it was the opposite. I made sure everyone everywhere knew I was gay. Like I had to prove to myself and everyone around me that I wasn’t ashamed of myself by practically wearing a neon sign. Which isn’t wrong. I’m not saying that, but I did it because I needed to prove something to myself. I needed validation from the world that they knew I was gay whether they liked it or not. You don’t need that. You are who you are and you’ve always had strength in that. I don’t think most people—gay or not—can say that. I’ve never known anyone in my life as strong as you, and the kicker is, I don’t think you see your strength.”
Shane opened his mouth, but nothing would come out. It was as though something blocked his throat, like his goddamned heart had crawled up in there. No one had ever spoken about him that way. He wasn’t sure if anyone had ever seen him that way either.
Since he couldn’t speak, he didn’t. He just stood partially and leaned over the table. He crooked his finger, telling Van to come to him. A smile stretched across Van’s face and he did it, leaned over the table and Shane pressed his lips softly against Van’s—once, twice, then pressed their foreheads together and whispered, “Thank you.”
“You don’t have anything to thank me for, and you just proved my point. Strongest person I know.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
They’d only just sat back down when Libby brought out their BLTs and shakes.
They ate and laughed and talked and no matter how hard he tried, Van couldn’t keep his eyes off Shane. Van was mesmerized by him. He was so fucking real, real in a way he’d never experienced before. He was so into this man. It was quick, and likely not smart, but it was true. He felt this draw to Shane, this magnetic fucking pull that was too strong to ignore.
And he didn’t want to ignore it.
“So…do I get to go sleep over at your house tonight?” he teased, earning himself a smile from Shane. He was greedy for every moment he could have with Shane. It wasn’t as though he and his mom could get along for any extended amount of time, anyway.
“Yeah…I think we can work something out. I don’t remember if I told you there’s a no-clothes-allowed rule at my place, though.”
“Oh really?” Van cocked a brow at him. “How could I not have known that before?”
“Because it’s a new rule. Made it up about fifteen seconds ago.”
Van chuckled. “I’m in full agreement. Naked rules are the best kind.” He watched as Shane sucked through his straw and he’d never wanted to be a milkshake so much in his life. “You let me know if you ever have something else going on, okay? I know you have other responsibilities, and I can be naked anytime you want. There’s no expiration date.”
“It’s okay. My mom has her knitting club tonight. She has it once a month and really looks forward to it.”
“That’s great. Did she always do that?” He was incredibly fucking curious about Shane and his mom but he never wanted to pry.
“No. She kept mostly to herself while I was growing up. This is something I forced, but now she’s glad I did. She has her knitters, and then she also has a game night once a month. Sometimes we have to cancel, but most of the time, she doesn’t want to. She enjoys it and she knows it’s good for her. The ladies she meets with really love her. They genuinely want to help and be her friend.”
“I’m glad you both have that then. I wondered about that…her being alone but I didn’t want to butt in.”
Shane shrugged. “We do the best we can. I spend time with her. She has her two groups of women who come in. Sometimes she enjoys getting out for her doctor appointments and therapy. She’s done some group therapy too. Sometimes, I can’t get her to go. It is what it is.”
“Does anyone help you with those things? Have you ever thought about hiring anyone or—”
“No,” Shane cut him off. “It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to take care of her. I’ve had a few of the women offer to drive her but it doesn’t feel right. If she has a panic attack or something…I just know she wouldn’t want anyone else to see her that way.”
So Shane took it upon himself. The man took everything on himself.
“You’re a control freak, aren’t you?” Van teased, hoping to earn another of Shane’s smiles.
“You know it, baby.” He winked and then someone cleared their throat. Van looked up to see Jonathan standing there, wearing a suit. His blond hair was styled perfectly and he had a tight, forced smile on his face.
“Max, we need to stop running into each other like this. I’ve been out to your mom’s but you weren’t there. I thought we were going to grab lunch or something, buddy?” He looked over then at Shane as though he hadn’t known the other man was there the whole time. “Shane.”
“Jon.” Shane took a sip of his water. “How’s Arianna’s car running?”
“Good. It was a shit time for her transmission to go out. I didn’t have time to work on it myself.”
Van couldn’t hold back his chuckle. He couldn’t imagine Jonathan working on a car and it was obvious he said that to try and lessen what Shane did. “Oh, come on, Jon. Working on cars was never your thing.”
Jonathan gave his attention back to Van. “And it was yours?”
“Fuck no. But I wouldn’t pretend it was either. I’d say I’m too pretty for that shit, but that wouldn’t explain why Shane could do it.” Van winked and Shane playfully rolled his eyes.
Jonathan frowned. “It’s been a long time. I feel like I don’t know who you are anymore.”
He never had, but Van couldn’t blame that on Jonathan. No one had known who he was because Van hadn’t wanted them to.
Jonathan looked back and forth between Van and Shane. Van could see the wheels turning in his head, could see him wondering, putting the pieces together and that twisted up Van’s insides because it wasn’t his place. He shouldn’t have said that about Shane, without Shane’s permission. He’d just wanted to knock Jonathan for a loop.
“I’m worried about your mom. She’s been through a lot. I know you haven’t been around, but the past few weeks since your father’s passing haven’t been easy on her. And she missed you…we all did,” Jonathan said.
“I’m trying to be there for her,” Van said through gritted teeth. “There’s only so much I can do.”
“Why don’t you stop by my office this week. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do to help.”
The sad part was, he thought in his own way Jonathan probably did want to help the old Max. But would he want to help Van—the gay man who painted and photographed nude men and hated his old life and everything he’d stood for? Would he want to help the man who hoped to spend every second he could in Shane’s bed for the duration of his time there?
But there had been a time when Jonathan was his best friend. He’d never been blind where Jonathan was concerned. He’d mostly been out for himself, but there had been times he was there for Van too. “Yeah, I’ll do that in the next few days.”
“Good. I’ll let you get back to your…lunch. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Witho
ut a word to Shane, Jonathan walked away.
“I’m sorry about him.”
Shane shook his head. “I’ve known Jonathan my whole life. I know who he is. You have nothing to apologize for. We should get going though. I need to get back to work.”
Van nodded. He paid the tab and then the two of them were in the car, heading back to Shane’s shop.
Van parked in the same spot he had when he’d gotten to Shane’s the first time and said, “So I’ll see you tonight?”
“If you want. But the same possible out you gave me earlier. If you need to be with your mom, I understand.”
There was a slight distance in Shane’s voice and Van wondered if it was because he hadn’t really talked to Shane about his mom. Not what was going on with her now. “Our families are different. She pushes me away at every turn. I’m not as good a man as you are, Shane. I’ll do what I can but that’s all I can do.”
Shane nodded. Opened the door, stopped and then turned to Van before taking his mouth. He pushed past Van’s lips. His right hand held the side of Van’s neck, and Van wished he could see them together. That he could photograph the way Shane’s rough, tanned hand would look against his own skin.
Shane pulled back, said, “See you tonight,” and then Van watched him in the rearview mirror until he disappeared from sight.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Shane got home from work that evening, showered, changed, and then ran over to see his mom for a few moments. She was pulling out fresh baked chocolate chip cookies when he stepped into the kitchen.
“Smells good in here,” he told her. The scent of chocolate and sugar beckoned him, but that wasn’t it. The air was fresh, earthy.
“Thank you. How was your day?”
He looked around and saw she had all the windows and blinds open, which made him smile. It was always easy to tell what kind of mood she was in by the blinds. If she was feeling down, they would be closed for days on end. When she was happy, she kept them open. The windows were a plus.
“Good. Looks like you had a good day as well.”
“I had the best day,” she replied.
“Why?” Shane questioned. “Not that I’m not glad. I just mean….”
“That I’m not typically happy for no reason?” She cocked a brow at him.
“Oh, you’re full of jokes today, I see.”
“I’m always full of jokes. Where do you think you got your outstanding sense of humor from?”
“Luck?” Shane teased and the two of them laughed. He loved it. It was moments like these where he could almost forget that sometimes she had panic attacks so severe she couldn’t leave the house and often got so depressed she would stay in bed for days on end. “When does your knitting group get here?”
“In a few minutes. What about you? What are you up to tonight?”
“Not much,” he lied. “Might hang out with a friend, but that’s all.” The thing was, Shane was always careful what he said around her. It wasn’t that he cared if she knew Van would be there, but if she needed him, she wouldn’t call if she thought she was interrupting. Not only that, she would get stars in her eyes where Van was concerned. She wanted so much for him to be happy there, partially because of her own guilt he assumed, that she would read something more into it. Then, when Van left, she’d feel worse because Shane was alone again.
It was all such a vicious fucking cycle.
He wouldn’t hide Van, but he wasn’t announcing that shit, either.
“Do you want a few cookies?”
“Is that a question?” Shane grabbed a plate and put a few cookies on it. When he heard a car door, he grinned and said, “I’ll go. Don’t you crazy kids have too much fun.”
His mom rolled her eyes before heading to the front door. Shane went left through the back as he always did, then made the trek back to his side of the property.
When he got inside he realized there was no real space for Van to paint if he wanted to. Shane frowned before he took two of the chairs from the dining room table and put them in the garage. He pushed the table against the wall and into a corner. It wasn’t as though he used the damn thing very often or even had enough people over to need four chairs.
He turned for the door when he heard a knock. “Come in,” Shane called out, because really, there was zero chance of it being anyone other than Van and if it was, it was someone from town, which wouldn’t matter either.
The door pushed open and Van’s short, dark curls peeked around the corner first. “Hi—oh, what are you doing? You moving on me or something?” he asked. He had a duffle and computer bag in his hands.
“Yeah. Ditching town but thought I’d move my dining room table to the corner first,” Shane teased. “I was just looking around and realized if you want to paint, there isn’t much room for you here. I didn’t make much, but hopefully it will help.”
Van frowned, which Shane returned, wondering what was wrong. “You did that for me?”
“Move a table? Yes. It was an incredible amount of work. I’m not sure how you’ll ever be able to repay me.”
Van laughed, set his bags down and walked over. “I have an idea of how I could start….”
“Sucking my dick?” Shane asked as Van’s hands went to his waist.
“Nope.”
“Shoving yours in my mouth? I don’t feel like I’ve blown you enough.”
Van nuzzled his neck and kissed the skin there. “Nope. Not that either.”
“You’re going to fuck me? Give me your hole again?” Shane wrapped his arm around Van and cupped his butt. “I really want to eat your ass too. The things I can do with my tongue….”
“Getting closer,” Van replied then nipped at Shane. He slid his mouth along Shane’s jaw then pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I brought you something else to eat instead…pizza.”
Shane playfully shuddered. “Pepperoni?”
“Is there any other kind?”
“Sausage,” Shane added with a grin.
“How did you know?”
He had no idea if Van was kidding or not. Still, he said, “I think I love you.”
“But wait…that’s not all…I got more beer too.” He kissed Shane again.
“Marry me,” Shane replied and they both laughed. Fuck, Van was fun. “So where is my pizza and beer?”
“In the car. Help me carry it all in.”
They went outside. Shane grabbed the pizza and Van said, “Can you get the beer too? I want to grab my easel and stuff. You made me room; I want to use it.”
Worry clawed at Shane’s mind because he realized he wanted Van to use it as well. Wanted to see Van in his element and maybe let Van see Shane in his. “Yeah, sure. No problem.”
They hauled the items into the house. “Your mom’s place is hopping over there.”
“Yeah, a bunch of regular party animals,” Shane replied as he went into the kitchen and grabbed a couple plates. “She’s having a good day though. It’s always nice when she has good days.”
Van looked up at him from where he was putting up his easel in the far corner of the dining room. “I’m glad to hear it.” He gave Shane a smile then that was so goddamn real he could feel it. “I printed her pictures off for her today.” He pulled a manila envelope from his bag and set it down. “I was going to frame them, but I wasn’t sure if she had like…I don’t know, a theme or something in her house and I didn’t want to fuck it up.”
Shane stopped. Watched Van. Felt his heart race. Almost couldn’t breathe. The kindness Van showed his mom…there was nothing like it. It filled Shane’s chest, his heart.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because you’re kind to her.”
“She was kind to me too.”
“It’s different. I…” He didn’t know what to say.
“Shh,” Van told him. “Don’t go thanking me for that again. I like her. I like you.”
“My father left,” Shane admitted. “Left because he couldn’t handle it
. He was her husband. That’s why I can never leave her too.” His dad left. Caleb left, even though it hadn’t been his choice. Most everyone left.
“I’m sorry about your dad.” Van walked over, slid his hand behind Shane’s head, and pulled him close to press a kiss to his lips. “She didn’t deserve that. You didn’t either.”
No, but it was a fact of life. “Thanks,” he replied. “Now, let’s eat. I’m fucking starved.” He hadn’t meant to bring the mood down.
They sat at the table together, eating pizza, drinking beer, and talking about any stupid shit that didn’t matter. Those were sometimes the best kinds of conversations. Where you didn’t feel obligated to hit certain talking points or hell, even to talk at all. They were comfortable, those kinds of conversations…few and far between, but he had them with Van.
When they finished, the two of them rinsed off their plates together and put them in the dishwasher.
As they stood in the kitchen, in front of the sink, Van put his hands on Shane’s hips and said, “You wanna see your photos or what?”
Shane’s stomach rolled over a few times. He did but said, “I’m not so sure. Do I?”
Van frowned. “Wrong answer. Try again.”
“I thought you’d never ask?” Shane grinned because it was impossible not to smile around Van. He was hypnotizing, but not for all the reasons he thought everyone else used to obsess about him. Because he was so damn real and so damn kind.
“That’s better. And I’m telling you, you really want to see them, Shane. They’re beautiful. I’m proud of them in a way I haven’t been in a long while.”
Which, of course, totally helped Shane’s nerves. Or you know, it didn’t. “Let’s see them then.”
Van grabbed his laptop case and the two of them sat at the table again. Shane waited for Van’s computer to load. He pulled up a folder that said, “Shane,” which was a ridiculous thing for him to notice because it was his name, so what the fuck else would Van call the folder?
“You scroll through them.” Van slid his laptop closer to Shane.
