by Ed Diener
• Rejection goggles, which cause people to see rejections everywhere, even in normal encounters. Furthermore, even the most minor rejection can be seen as a major slight.
Thinking strategies like these lead people to feel worse about themselves, their relationships, and the world they live in. The good news is that it is possible to get out of these thinking ruts and replace them with more positive styles. By learning to recognize unhelpful thinking in the moment, people can take the first step toward stopping such thoughts and replacing them. The technique most commonly used to swap positive thinking for negative thinking is called "challenging." When clinical psychologists discuss challenging, they are referring to the process of refuting perfectionism and other distressing ways of thinking. You probably have experience doing this with your friends or family members during times when they felt worried or blue. Perhaps you pointed out inconsistencies, exceptions, or possibilities in their logic that they had been overlooking. Many counselors take this same tack with their clients, encouraging them to modify extreme and exaggerated statements such as "he never helps around the house" or "anything less than perfect is failure." By replacing harsh, selfpunitive, and extreme language with more realistic messages (for example, "I wish he would help around the house more than he does" or "I want to strive to be very good"), people can mentally set themselves up for success rather than failure. In the face of the fact that some of our happiness is the product of our genetics, the idea of interpretation is refreshing because it is one area over which we have direct control, can make change through effort, and can help ourselves live happier lives.
Memory
Think back to the first date you ever went on with your husband or wife. Chances are that even today, you and your spouse include one of your early encounters as part of your family lore. Perhaps it is a humorous story about awkward moments, things gone wrong, or fumbled lines. Ed and Carol often recount to their kids how they were stopped by the police on their first date, and had a shotgun thrust in their window on their second date. Maybe it is just the opposite: a positive story about instant attraction, a beautiful face, or a smooth pickup line. Regardless of the specifics, there is a high likelihood that now, years later, you walk down memory lane with a smile on your face. Those events from days long ago have taken on a rosy hue and bring you some small amount of happiness. But isn't it interesting to consider whether your current mental picture is really the way things transpired? Isn't it possible that interpretation also colors the way we remember our lives? Indeed, research shows that memory is not an exact match of events, but reconstructs events rather than duplicates them. Furthermore, memory is an important part of a happy attitude.
You may have heard about research that shows there are problems with memory, and that we do not always remember things from the past exactly as they actually happened. While this is true, it turns out that mildly inaccurate memories are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, there is a growing body of research showing how memory biases can actually work in our favor where happiness is concerned.
Imagine going in for a painful medical procedure, such as a colonoscopy. Most people agree that colonoscopies are invasive and uncomfortable, and medical staff tend to sedate patients to decrease the discomfort. Now imagine two patients, A and B, who both come in for colonoscopies. Patient A has the usual painful procedure that lasts thirty-five minutes. Patient B has the identical procedure, except that five more minutes are added to the end, which are not very painful because the colonoscope is very slowly removed during the extra period. Here's the question: which patient experienced the worse colonoscopy? This is exactly the question asked in a study of more than six hundred medical patients.
The researchers assigned some participants to the longer colonoscopy group and others to the shorter condition. Common sense tells us that the shorter painful procedure is preferable because there is less overall pain. After all, the longer colonoscopy had all the pain of the shorter one, plus five additional mildly unpleasant minutes. This line of reasoning is not, however, what the data showed. According to the researchers, the way we remember events is not necessarily made up of an aggregate of every individual moment. Instead, folks tend to remember and overemphasize the peak (best or worst) moment and the last moment. Patient A, getting the shorter procedure, for instance, would remember the most painful moment and also the last moment (which was also painful) and mentally average these experiences when recalling the colonoscopy. Patient B, by contrast, would remember the most painful moment, and also the end of the procedure, which was less painful, and average these two experiences. Amazingly, Patient B, who experienced a colonoscopy lasting longer than patient A, has a lower overall average of peak and end, and therefore remembers the procedure more positively! Thus, patients who endured the longer, more painful procedure, but who remembered it as less painful, were more likely than others to be willing to come back in for a follow-up colonoscopy.
Speaking of colonoscopies, even this uncomfortable procedure can be a bit of fun if you approach it right. Ed went in for the procedure, and decided to have some fun with the medical staff so as to direct his attention from the discomfort. Beforehand, he put a large press-on tattoo on his rump - one of a wild lizard sporting a party hat and holding a martini. The nurses laughed at the sight and asked Ed where he had received such a tattoo. He responded that the doctor and he had gotten drunk together several weeks earlier and had gone together to be tattooed. The nurses then begged the doctor to show them his tattoo, and were delighted at his embarrassed denials. Making lemonade out of lemons.
This same memory principle found in the colonoscopy study can be applied to other life situations as well. Consider, for example, a vacation to Hawaii. Common sense tells us that a two-week holiday should be about twice as pleasant as a one week trip. However, most folks don't really remember each individual moment, and certainly don't use them all to mentally calculate whether or not they enjoyed themselves. One day on the beach tends to run together with the next. Instead, visitors to the island will remember their best moment - perhaps that day on the whale-watching cruise followed by a beautiful sunset dinner - and the last moments - perhaps the long line at the airport and a delayed flight. The peak-end theory means, then, that a one-week trip will seem, down the road, about as pleasant as a two-week vacation.
Another study focusing on vacations helps illustrate more memory mechanisms that factor into happiness. The psychologists were interested in how much fun university students have while on spring break. This particular week has the reputation for being seven days of unadulterated partying, and students look forward to it as eagerly as their parents dread it. The researchers gave palmtop computers set with preprogrammed random alarms to participants before they left for their vacation destinations. Several times a day, the computers signaled the students to complete a mood and activity questionnaire, and recorded the time and date they did so. The students filled out the brief surveys in the mornings, during the afternoons, and in the evenings, so that the researchers were able to calculate an average mood across the day, as well as chart an average across the week.
Two weeks after the participants returned from break, they came to the research lab and filled out a questionnaire asking them how much they remembered enjoying their vacation, and whether they were likely to take a similar one in the future. Although common sense tells us that the actual experience of the vacation - whether the individual moments were fun or not - should be vitally important, two interesting findings altered this notion. First, the students' momentto-moment experiences were similar to, but did not perfectly match, their memories of the vacation. They tended to slightly enhance or downplay the break, recalling it as somewhat better or worse than the sum of the actual experiences would suggest. Second, it was this inaccurate memory that best predicted whether they would take a similar trip in the future, not their actual experience.
Earlier we asked you to walk down memory lane, thinking about an early date
or encounter with your current romantic partner. The quality of that memory can be a powerful indicator of your satisfaction with your relationship. In a study conducted by the psychologist Shigehiro Oishi and his colleagues, the memories of dating couples were examined. He asked participants to recall how much happiness they had experienced with their partner in the past. He found that people who recalled having fun with their mate were more likely to be together six months later than those who did not. No surprise there! Oishi also found, however, that these positive memories were better predictors than the couples' actual feelings!
Think about it: much of the time you spend with your partner is somewhat mundane, coordinating car pools, washing dishes, making grocery lists, sitting together and reading, or brushing teeth. These are, emotionally speaking, neutral activities. And then there are the good and bad times, such as a pleasant hike in the woods or an argument over finances. A realistic tally of individual events in a marriage might seem like nothing to brag about, even if it tips the balance toward the positive side. But add a healthy sprinkling of positive memory bias, and the relationship starts seeming very rosy. Instead of recalling the forty-five minutes of silence while reading in bed, you might be likely to remember that five-minute conversation where your husband shared an interesting point from his book. It is not surprising, then, that Oishi found that dating couples who misremembered their times together as being more positive than they actually were turned out to be more likely to remain together than those who were dead-on in their memories.
How is it possible to tend toward positive rather than negative recall? One helpful guide is to look at the actual memory habits of happy people. Sonja Lyubomirsky analyzed the recall of chronically happy people. In her study of undergraduate students, Lyubomirsky found that happy folks were no different from others in the amount of positive and negative events they experienced. We all receive parking tickets, get stuck in rush-hour traffic, and have children who come down with the flu, just as we all receive compliments, experience occasional success at work, or have a favorite sports team that wins a game. Where the upbeat participants differed was in how they recalled events weeks later. According to Lyubomirsky, dispositionally happy folks had the tendency to err on the positive side, even treating adversity with humor or mentally emphasizing personal recent progress rather than focusing on problems.
A promising body of new research shows that, with a little mental effort, recalling good events from the past can boost well-being. Psychologists have begun studying "savoring," the process of active enjoyment of the present, and of using active appreciation to enjoy a past success. They ask subjects to spend some minutes reminiscing about a specific past event in a positive way. The savoring subjects report feeling happier than those in a control group. The key component to effective savoring is focused attention. By taking the time and spending the effort to appreciate the positive, people are able to experience more well-being. This research suggests that positive people have developed the habit of taking a mental snapshot of successes as they happen, paying attention to their details and memorizing vivid images, which makes them easier to recall and enjoy later on.
Conclusions
Our happiness is only partially related to actual life events. Sure, sometimes we are involved in tragic events, such as the death of a spouse, a chronic illness, or a traffic accident. By and large, though, most of us experience a mix of positive and negative events. Even good-looking, successful, well-liked people are vulnerable to financial crises, illness, divorce, and disappointment. The reverse is just as true: star-crossed folks in tough circumstances are likely to receive some meaningful social support, can have purpose in life, and often catch a "lucky break." Life is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs for all of us.
An important difference is in how each of us, individually, takes the events of our lives. Some people get extremely upset if the newspaper arrives later than its usual time, while other folks seem able to shrug off a burst water pipe in their attic, which floods and damages their entire house, by saying, "These things happen." We know, because this happened to Ed. It may be too much to ask you to change the way the world works, but it is probably not absurd to suggest that you can control your attitude toward the world. In fact, exercising some mental control where attitudes are concerned appears to be a good investment, as happiness is, at least in part, in your head.
Happy people, as it turns out, are different when it comes to attitudes. Chronically happy people, through birth and effort, are more likely to have developed positive thinking strategies. Upbeat folks tend to look for positives (attention), often think of neutral events as being positive and find growth in adversity (interpretation), and recall more rewarding memories (memory). Attention is a crucial element in the AIM approach to happiness because a positive focus determines the information that is interpreted and recalled later. The more positives that make it into your head, the easier it will be to experience psychological well-being. Getting into the habit of looking for successes and seeking out the good in others rather than nitpicking and fault-finding will go a long way toward making the world seem like a friendly, hospitable place. Each day, noticing people you should be grateful to, even for little things like holding the door for you, can focus you on the positive in others. Look around and see the good, beautiful, and amazing things that are going on all around you.
Similarly, interpretation is important for happiness. While terrible events have the power to bring even the most resilient people down, most of life is milder. By avoiding a pessimistic cognitive style, such as perfectionism, and by instead using more positive interpretive strategies, such as appreciating what you have, you will have a more enjoyable life.
Finally, memory also plays an important role in the happiness process. Folks who make the effort to notice and appreciate positives as they happen, so that they are easier to recall, and those who spend time reminiscing about past successes instead of failures tend to be happier. In fact, the memory part of the AIM approach to happiness is so important that it is a good predictor of whether couples stay together, and how people go about making important decisions for the future, such as their choice of vacations or receiving preventative healthcare. Taken together, attention, interpretation, and memory account for a large portion of the happiness over which you have direct control.
Some self-help gurus and self-growth organizations suggest silly interventions for positive thinking that want us to be cheerful all of the time. This approach is, of course, unrealistic and doomed to failure. We need to attend to serious problems in our lives and react to them, even if it means bouts of anxiety, guilt, or sadness. It is in your interest to worry a bit about whether that spot on your skin is cancerous, and it is desirable to feel bad about snapping at your wife unnecessarily. If your spouse is having an affair, it might be best to worry about that a bit. Thus, we are not advocating psychological bubbliness or positivity that is devoid of reality. Instead, we ask that you begin thinking more intentionally:
• Direct your focus, where possible, to the positive aspects of life.
• Pay attention to how you interpret daily events and actively challenge and alter unhelpful thinking patterns.
• Savor happy moments, concentrate on recognizing them, and take the time to remember and bask in them later.
• Notice the good things that others do, and express your gratitude to them.
In the end, many people think that they are happy or unhappy because of what is happening to them, and this is partly true - because what happens to us does influence how we see the world. But most people underestimate the degree to which attention, interpretation, and memory also affect happiness. Often, these mental factors are far more controllable than circumstances and are, therefore, where our mental energies are best placed. So take AIM on happiness and you will increase your psychological wealth.
Measuring Your AIM
Check each of the statements that might apply to you, and then add
up the number of checks for each of the two sections:
Negative thinking
Positive thinking
Interpretation
Here are some guidelines for interpreting your answers:
Negative thinking
Positive thinking
If you find yourself agreeing with many of the negative thinking statements and disagreeing with many of the positive thinking statements, it is time to change. Remember, thinking is like any other habit - it can be changed with effort. And remember that if you are a negative thinker, this is not because this is the way the world truly is, but is in the way you choose to see that world. If you scored high on positive thinking and low on negative thinking, you are in the long run very likely to be a basically happy person. If your negative score is higher than your positive score, you have developed a negative way of thinking about yourself, the world, and others. You should evaluate whether this approach actually works for you, or whether you might function more effectively with more positivity.
Part IV
Putting It All Together
12
Yes, You Can Be Too Happy
A crowd of people out there wants you to be happier. Self-help authors and inspirational speakers seek to make you joyous: possibly because they want you to buy their products, perhaps because they have faith in their mission. Authors want to sell you their "secret" or list of happiness-producing habits. Positive psychologists and psychotherapists, often motivated by empathy, want you to be happier. Your elected officials want you to be happy because if you are, you most likely will elect them again. Your mother wants you to be happy, because she loves you, and she might feel that she is a failure if you are unhappy. Somewhere, at this very moment, a technician in the lab of a major pharmaceutical company is working on a new drug to make you happier. There are even people that would like to give you special ozone enemas to make you happier. A large happiness industry has blossomed, and it has developed so many ways to help you - including self-improvement, meditation, positive thinking, natural herbs, the enemas we mentioned, medications, and many other personal and spiritual techniques. As surprising as it may seem, the authors of this book touting the benefits of happiness might not want you to be happier, because we think many of you may be happy enough already!
