His little arms went around my neck and he whispered in my ear.
“I’m really sorry, Daddy.”
“I know, Tiger,” I said, letting him lie back down. “But there’s still no PlayStation for a week.”
“Okay,” he said, disappointedly.
I turned out his bedside light. Ted and I got up and went back to the living room.
“You want some tea? I’m going to make some,” I said.
“Sure. Why not?” Ted followed me to the kitchen.
When I’d bought the house, one of the first things I did was have the kitchen remodeled. It faced the backyard and I had a large bay window put in it so I could create a nook for the kitchen table which gave a view of the backyard. Ted sat at the table while I made tea. I put the kettle on the gas stove and lit the fire under it. I went to the cabinet and pulled down two cups and saucers and my favorite “Blue Willow” teapot. I waited for the water to boil and filled the pot with the hot water to warm it. I dumped out the water and then poured some of Harney’s Malachi McCormick’s tea ‑‑ one of my favorite black teas ‑‑ into it, then poured more boiling water on top. I brought the pot and a small pitcher of cream to the table. I went back and grabbed the sugar along with the cups and saucers. I already had a tea strainer in the pot so, after it steeped, I removed the tea and poured a cup for each of us.
“Okay,” I said to Ted, who had remained quiet all through this process ‑‑ like he was far away.
“So tell me about this relationship.”
“Well…like I said, it was a very long time ago. It was the end of the sixties. Stonewall had just happened in New York and the Vietnam War was still going on, even though Nixon had taken office promising us ‘peace with honor.’ What a crock of shit! How could you have an honorable end to a totally dishonorable war?”
“Kind of reminds me of what’s going on today in the Middle East.”
“Yeah. Does me, too. Too damned much like it. Fuckin’ eager kids, full of fuckin’ testosterone, off to kill a raghead for Christ and country. And too damn many of them coming home in flag-covered boxes. Way too much like ’Nam.”
“So what happened? What was this relationship?”
“I was a college student then. I was involved in the antiwar movement ‑‑ helping guys evade the draft by going to Canada, marching on the Pentagon, all that stuff. I had my student deferment, so I didn’t have to worry about it. Then one night, in a bar on campus, I met him. His name was Travis. He was a marine ‑‑ or, at least, a former marine. He’d been to those jungles in ’Nam. Volunteered to go. Really was a true believer in Mom, apple pie, the flag, and all that stuff. He’d done two tours of duty in-country. You only had to do one. He’d volunteered for the second. Outstanding marine. I later found out he’d won two Silver Stars and a Congressional Medal of Honor. Yeah, he was one incredible warrior.”
“You’re kidding me! How could you get involved with somebody like that?”
Ted gave an ironic laugh.
“It’s easy, kiddo. You just fall in love with the guy. That’s all it takes.”
“I knew you’d always had a ‘thing’ for marines, but I didn’t know it went that far back.”
Ted was noted for having a lot of current and former marines as friends. If any navy ship with marines aboard had shore leave in San Francisco, it was dollars to doughnuts Ted was going to have at least one young marine as a houseguest ‑‑ usually more than one. He’d treat them to the best restaurants and bars in the city. I’m sure Ted made some marines’ memories of San Francisco very happy ones. He must have. Some of the ones he’d wined and dined twenty years ago still looked him up when they came to town.
“That’s where it started. You see, the first night we met, we of course got into a fight about the war. I was so fucking naïve. I thought I knew everything. I didn’t know anything. How could I? I spent the war locked in an ivory tower studying theories while Travis was out living the reality of war. But, as they say, ‘Politics make strange bedfellows’ and it certainly did in our case.”
“So if you fought the first night you met, how did you end up getting together?”
“That’s what I meant about strange. Halfway through the fight, Travis looks at me and says, ‘We can sit here fighting all night or we can go back to my place and fuck. Which do you want to do?’ I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know about marines then, how straightforward, no bullshit kind of guys they are. So given those options and considering the fact that Travis was gorgeous, I immediately opted to make love, not war.” Ted chuckled.
“Yeah. That would have been my choice, too.”
“Anyway, that’s how it started. What I didn’t realize until later was that Travis was as against the war as I was but for much better and more concrete reasons than I was. There were also a few other things I didn’t realize when I fell in love with him, like the fact he was suffering from what they would later call ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’ and he was basically an alcoholic and a heroin addict. He drank and got wasted on heroin to keep from thinking about the war and to keep from having nightmares about what happened there. I was young, dumb, and full of cum then. I didn’t really understand how sick Travis really was. I loved him. It was like I wore these love-colored glasses that wouldn’t let me see the truth.”
“So what happened?”
“We were living together in this little apartment off campus. Up five flights of stairs, but it was only thirty-five dollars a month. We were supposed to meet at a campus rally against the war one afternoon but he never showed up. I went home to our apartment and found him. He was dressed in his marine dress blues with all of his ribbons and medals, his shoes spit shined, and the back of his head blown out all over the wall where he’d shoved his sidearm in his mouth and pulled the trigger.” Ted was staring off into space like he was seeing it all again.
“Oh, my God! Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry, Ted. I didn’t know.”
He looked over at me questioningly.
“Why are you apologizing? I wouldn’t have told you this unless I wanted you to know.”
“I’m just sorry to make you go through it again ‑‑ to relive it.”
“It was thirty-two years ago. Not that it still doesn’t hurt but the hurt’s been blunted after all these years.”
“And you never had another lover?”
“No. Just didn’t see the point. I moved here to San Francisco after I completed law school and just never looked back. I guess I was too afraid to ever try loving somebody again. Except there was another marine…but that’s enough stories of my love life for tonight.”
“So that’s why all the marines, huh?”
“Yeah. That’s why all the marines. I guess in a lot of ways, I’m still in love with Travis. Not that I don’t love all those marines in some way. I guess it’s my way of still having Travis in my life.”
“Was it worth it?”
“Fuck, yeah, it was worth it! Every fucking, goddamned minute was worth it. Regardless of the pain I’ve gone through. Bet me, I’d do it all over again. Fuck! I’d kill for the chance to do it all over again,” Ted said, his face getting florid with emotion. “Don’t you get it? There is nothing else in life that’s worth more than loving somebody and having them love you. It’s what makes life worth it. It’s what life’s all about. You miss out on that, and you’ve missed out on the whole thing.”
“I haven’t missed out. I’ve got Tiger.”
“No, you don’t. You’ve only got him for a little while. Kids aren’t like a mate. Kids grow up and leave you to find their own mates. Then what do you have? Nothing. You’re alone. All alone. And let me tell you ‑‑ it ain’t a great way to live. I’d give it up in a heartbeat if I thought that there was even half a chance of finding the right guy. I think you’ve found the right guy and I think you damned well know it, too. You’re just too damned scared to go for the gold ring.”
“Ted, I like him. He’s a nice guy. But I don’t know what he wants. Maybe
it is me, but maybe it’s not. I don’t think he’s in any position right now to know what the fuck he wants ‑‑ other than out of his marriage.”
“Are you so sure? You know most people get remarried within six months of their divorce.”
“Yeah, and most of those second marriages don’t last five years, either. Do you know what kind of situation that would cause? Not just with me but with Tiger. What if he comes to love Brian and then we break up? What happens then?”
“Fuck! No wonder you don’t want to fall in love. You’re already planning the divorce before the wedding even takes place.”
“I have to. I have to think about the contingencies. I owe that much to Tiger ‑‑ to think things through and try not to put him in situations he can’t handle.”
“Are you sure it’s Tiger you’re really worried about? Or is it you who doesn’t want a situation you can’t handle?”
That stopped me. I thought about that one for a moment.
“Maybe it is. Maybe it is me I’m thinking about. But, so what if it is? Don’t I have the right to protect myself?”
“Be careful you aren’t protecting yourself out of any happiness in life, Tommy. Trust me. I was a fool. I held onto my grief over Travis for too many years, the years when I was still young and desirable. Now I’m too old. They guys my age are all looking for little twinks and the twinks are looking for Daddy ‑‑ and I don’t want to be anyone’s Daddy,” Ted said bitterly.
“It can’t be that bad.”
“The fuck it’s not. Look around you, Tommy. Life, especially gay life, is for the young. You’re barely still qualifying. If you take my advice, you’ll grab hold of this guy and not let go.”
“You talk like the decision is all up to me. He’s got something to say about this, you know.”
“That may be true, but I’ll bet he isn’t resisting the idea of a relationship nearly as much as you are.”
“Look, I just met him. We’ve only had our first date. It went really well. I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to let it happen. Let things take their own, natural course. It’s not a good idea to rush into things.”
“No, and it’s not a good idea to push good things aside, either.”
“So I’m not pushing it aside. I am just not rushing into anything, either. Besides, I don’t exactly know what I’m doing. I’ve never been involved with anybody before and I’m trying to feel my way through this.”
“Well, don’t take so long that he gives up and you lose him.”
“Ted, I think if this is meant to be, then it will happen. He seemed eager enough to meet Tiger tomorrow night. Let’s say I’m cautiously optimistic and let it go at that for tonight. Okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I guess you’re right. You get some sleep. I’ll see you at the office in the morning.”
“You too. Oh, and Ted, I don’t believe for one minute it’s too late for you. I know if it’s what you really want, you’ll find somebody.”
“From your mouth to God’s ear, Tommy.”
I walked him to the door and then turned out the lights and headed to my room. I stopped to look in on Tiger and saw him curled up asleep ‑‑ or so I thought. However, five minutes after I’d stripped down, gotten into bed, and turned the lights out, I saw the door to my room open and felt the covers on my bed lift up, and Tiger slide into the bed beside me. I didn’t say anything. I just put my arms around him as he snuggled up to me and we fell asleep.
The next day at the office dragged by as I waited for Brian to show up to go to Tiger’s game with me. It seemed like at least a week had passed since I arrived that morning, but it was only lunchtime. Then my secretary buzzed me.
“Mr. Baldwin is here to see you, Mr. Atherton.”
Mr. Baldwin? BRIAN!
I practically fell over myself getting up from my desk and hurrying to the door of my office. There he stood, grinning at me with that smile that just about melted my insides like a nuclear reactor.
“I know I don’t have an appointment, but I was hoping you were free for lunch. There’s this great deli around the corner.”
“JJ’s on Mission, right?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Well, of course you’d know. This is your neighborhood.”
“Well, it just so happens I’m free for lunch. Just let me stop in and see if Ted wants me to bring anything back for him. You might as well come along. I’m sure he wants to meet you,” I said, knowing there was a real possibility of a homicide ‑‑ mine ‑‑ if Ted found out Brian was in the office and I didn’t introduce him.
We stopped at Ted’s office and I opened the door, after making sure from his secretary he was alone.
“I’m going over to JJ’s for lunch. You want me to bring you anything back?” I asked, sticking my head in the partially opened door. Ted couldn’t see Brian behind me yet.
“Yeah. How about a pastrami on rye with a dill pickle?” Ted didn’t even look up from his desk.
I opened the door all the way.
“I’ve got someone here I think you’d like to meet.” Ted finally looked up. “Ted, this is Brian. Brian, this is my partner, Ted Mercer.”
I moved over and Brian walked into Ted’s office, extending his hand. Ted stood up and shook hands with Brian over his desk.
“Glad to meet you, Mr. Mercer,” Brian said.
“Well, yes, I am VERY glad to meet you, Brian. And, please, call me Ted,” Ted said, eyeing Brian from head to toe and then grinning at me.
“Brian just stopped in to see if I was free for lunch.”
“Well, you two go on then. Have a great lunch. I’ve got this amicus brief I’ve got to work on.”
“What’s that?” Brian asked.
“Well, it’s really called an amicus curiae brief. It means ‘friend of the court’ in Latin,” Ted explained.
“They’re briefs filed with the court about cases before the court from parties who hold an interest in the subject before the court but who are not involved in the case,” I added.
Brian still seemed confused.
“For example,” Ted said. “This one is a brief for the California Freedom to Marry Coalition. It’s to support the case for gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.”
“Wow! You guys are involved in that?” Brian asked, looking at me.
“Well, it’s like I told you. About seventy percent of our business is from the gay community. Anything the community is involved in or cares about, we’re involved in.”
“So you all believe in gay marriage?” Brian said.
Ted laughed.
“I do. Tommy, on the other hand, has some problems with it.” Ted smiled, knowing this was a subject we rarely got into.
“Why?” Brian asked me.
“There are a number of reasons. First of all, I’m not opposed to the civil union of two people of the same sex or in granting such unions full constitutional rights and protections. Where I have a problem is with the word ‘marriage.’ That’s a religious term, and I just don’t feel the law has the right to get involved in religious issues. I believe in full separation of church and state. To me, no one should be able to obtain anything but a civil union from the state ‑‑ no matter what sex the parties are. Marriage should be left to the churches, not to the courts or to the legislatures. This whole backlash against gay unions wouldn’t have happened if the gay rights organizations hadn’t started calling it gay ‘marriage.’”
“I can see that. I know a lot of people are really freaked out about it. I can’t quite understand it myself,” Brian said.
“Well, let’s go to lunch and I’ll try to sway you to my side before Ted here has a chance to get hold of you.”
“Yeah, just what I thought. Another fag out there ‘recruiting’ just like Anita Bryant warned about.” Ted laughed.
“Anita who?” Brian asked.
“I’ll tell you about her, too. Come on,” I said.
“It was nice to meet you…uhh…Ted,” Brian said.
The shifty devil.
We went to JJ’s and I had a bowl of vegetable soup and a corned beef on rye. Brian had this huge sub as well as soup.
“So you don’t believe in marriage?” Brian asked me.
“That’s not true at all. I do believe in people committing their lives to each other. I just don’t believe in churches. I think religion has done way more harm than good in society ‑‑ especially where gay people are concerned. I mean, look at all this crap from the religious right over this issue alone. All these claims that if the government were to recognize the relationships between people of the same sex and give us the same tax breaks and rights it gives heterosexual couples, it would destroy heterosexual marriage. The only thing is, not one of the motherfuckers can answer how that would happen. And the biggest joke of all is the state that has the lowest heterosexual divorce rate is Massachusetts ‑‑ the only state gays can legally marry in.”
“But you do believe in two guys making it in a long-term relationship?” Brian asked again.
I may be dumb, but I’m not completely stupid. The second time he asked, I got it.
“Yeah. I do believe in it. I know guys who have been together for more than twenty years. Of course, I also know guys who change lovers as often as they change underwear.”
“So how come you don’t have a lover?”
“That’s easy ‑‑ I never found the right guy. Of course, the last seven years, I’ve been pretty busy getting the law practice up and running and raising Tiger. And, let’s face it; having a seven-year-old little boy isn’t exactly an attractive option in a relationship to a lot of gay guys.”
“Why not? I think that’s wonderful. I love kids. I always wanted to have children. I kind of saw me not having them with Sandy as like a message from God I didn’t belong with her because, trust me, no matter how I feel about guys, if we’d had kids, I would never even consider divorcing her. Kids get hurt in a divorce. I know I was when my mother left. I wouldn’t do that to a kid of mine.”
“That’s something I’ve been afraid of, too. What would happen if I found a guy but it didn’t work out? What effect would that have on Tiger? I just didn’t want to take that chance unless I felt there was a real possibility it might work.”
Rock Paper Scissors Page 5
