“I met Dalt when he was a raw recruit, fresh out of boot camp and hungry to take on the world. I was incredibly attracted to him physically and I thought that’s all it was. But as we got to know each other and spent more time together, I fell in love with him. Deeply, head over heels in love. And he fell in love with me. At least, that’s what he told me.”
“So what happened?”
“Those were the days long before ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ The NCIS was into witch hunts, and several of Dalt’s buddies ended up being booted out of the Corps. He was just lucky nobody named him, though almost nobody knew about him. But he got scared shitless. He wanted a career in the Corps and he knew he couldn’t have a relationship with me and a career, too. So, that was that. He went off to Twentynine Palms and I never saw or heard from him again until just this moment.”
“And I take it you never got over him?”
“I thought I had…until I saw him again.”
“Okay, partner. Your call. Do we help him or send him somewhere else?”
“Not ‘we,’ Tommy. Me.”
“Do you think that’s wise, Ted?”
“You’re handling Brian’s divorce, aren’t you?”
“Point taken. But Brian and I are in love. You and Dalton aren’t.”
“Tommy, I still love that man in there. Can you imagine me not doing everything possible for a man I love?”
“Actually, what concerns me is you getting too enmeshed in the case because you won’t have any emotional distance.”
“That’s just something I’m going to have to find out, isn’t it?” Ted said in a voice that said very clearly the discussion was over.
“Well, I guess we’d better go back in and talk to your new client.”
And that’s what we did. The only evidence NCIS had against Dalton in their attempt to throw him out of the Corps was his attendance at Matt’s services for the Dignity group. Dalton had been very careful never to play on or near any military base. And never with any member of any of the armed services. Ted felt very confident he could get the entire investigation dropped since it was not only a violation of the military’s own “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy but also a violation of Dalton’s constitutional rights to worship as he saw fit. That alone would leave the Marine Corps and the government liable to a massive lawsuit ‑‑ one they could ill afford. Especially not with the publicity we could generate.
Along the way, however, something else happened. While this case was very important, I began seeing the sergeant around our office much more than a client usually is. I particularly noted he and Ted spent an inordinate amount of time in his office with the door closed and oftentimes went to lunch and dinner together. One morning, my curiosity could be contained no more and I slipped into Ted’s office when he was finally alone.
“Good morning,” I said, not exactly knowing how to start.
“Good morning, Tommy. Something I can help you with?”
“Well…no. I just thought that…uhh…that I… I mean you and I…could have a talk.”
Ted looked at me and grinned.
“I think we can. Let me guess. The subject you want to discuss is third-party torts? Right?”
“No. It’s not!” I said, knowing he was pulling my chain.
“Let’s see then ‑‑ perhaps you’d like to discuss the Fourth US District’s ruling in US v. Milliken?”
“You know damned well it’s not!” I fumed.
“Well, the only thing left, I suppose, is Chief Master Sergeant Dalton Kensington. Is that what you wanted to discuss?”
“You know damned well it is. You two are spending an inordinate amount of time together. I want to know what’s going on. And don’t you dare even try to tell me it’s none of my business. Not after the way you hounded me about Brian.”
“No, you’re right. It’s only fair. Let me just say I’m expecting to have all charges against Dalton dropped by the end of today and his retirement commencing by the end of the week. With full pension and benefits.”
“That’s wonderful. However, that is not what I want to know, and you damned well know it.”
“No, I didn’t suppose it was. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I can’t. I don’t know what’s going on. Yes, we spend a lot of time together and it’s not about his case. We’re reconnecting. Getting to know each other again. I’m not even sure but we just might be falling in love all over again. But nothing has been said. We both dance around it. I think we’ve both been forestalling saying anything to each other until the case is resolved.”
“Well, are you two at least sleeping together?”
That was none of my business, but I was too far gone at that point to hold back.
“Actually…no. We’re not. Again, I’ve been afraid to initiate anything, and I think Dalt has been, too. I have come to understand that his decision to choose the Corps over me was almost as painful to him as it was to me at the time. He’s never fallen in love since. He’s never had a relationship beyond a one-night stand with anybody in all these years. And, while it seems like he’s hinting in the direction of us picking up where we left off, he’s never come right out and said that.”
“Is that what you want? Remember, this is the man who chose the Marine Corps over you.”
While I somewhat understood and respected Dalton’s decision, at the same time it angered me because it hurt Ted, who I considered my closest friend in the world other than Brian.
“What can I do, Tommy? I still love him. Yes, he hurt me, but I can understand why a man ‑‑ especially one as young as he was then ‑‑ would choose the Corps over me. Remember, this was twenty years ago. Long before the whole thing of ‘domestic partnerships,’ ‘civil unions,’ and ‘gay marriage.’ There were very few antidiscrimination ordinances in the country. Not only that, but all Dalton knew how to do was be a marine. He’s out of the hills of North Carolina where there was nothing in the way of opportunity and his family was far too poor to help him get an education.”
“Okay. Yes, I guess I can understand that but…dammit! That doesn’t excuse what he did to you!” I exploded.
“No, it doesn’t. But tell me what good hanging on to resentment over what he did is going to do me? That was then, this is now. That was twenty years ago. We’ve both grown and changed in that time. The more I get to know him, the deeper my respect and affection for him. I can’t help myself!” Ted said, spreading his hands and arms in a gesture of futility.
“If I had to explain how I could fall in love with Brian as quickly as I did ‑‑ especially after being convinced for so long I couldn’t fall in love, I couldn’t explain it, either. I guess I’m just afraid of you getting your heart broken again.”
“Yeah. Me, too. But, no matter what, I’ve got to see it through. I’ve got to know if there’s any chance.”
“I wouldn’t expect any less from you, counselor. Hey! Why don’t you bring him over to the house for dinner Saturday night? It’s been ages since Tiger’s seen his favorite babysitter, and I could ask Brian’s brother, Matt, too, and we could celebrate the ending of the case.”
“I’d like that, Tommy. I’d like that a lot.”
“Then it’s a date.”
Turning on my heels, I headed back toward my office. As Ted predicted, he was able to get all of the charges against Dalton dropped and on Friday, Dalton Kensington became a civilian once again, with full marine retirement and benefits. So it was a true victory party on Saturday night.
I was a bit nervous about the dinner party. Now the case was over, what would happen between Ted and Dalton was anybody’s guess. Brian and Matt knew of my concerns and I think Matt may have even put in some prayer time over the issue. The only person deliriously happy over the party was, as usual, Tiger. After all, his favorite people in the world were coming and, to add to the excitement for him, Ted was bringing a real, live marine as well. As I’ve already discussed, Tiger loves meeting new people if those people are of the m
ale persuasion. And it didn’t get much more male than a marine ‑‑ even a former one. Therefore, it was somewhat surprising when late Friday afternoon, my secretary again told me there was someone to see me.
“Who is it?”
“Sergeant Kensington.”
“There must be some mistake. He needs to see Ted.”
“I told him the same thing. But he says he wants to talk to you. In fact he said ‘only’ you.”
“Well…okay. Send him in,” I said, wondering what the hell this could be about.
Normally, I would never see one of Ted’s clients without him, but I had the feeling ‑‑ don’t ask me why ‑‑ that this was not anything about Sergeant Kensington’s legal affairs.
As he came into my office, I stood up and walked around the desk.
“Hello, Dalton. What can I do for you?” I asked, extending my hand and getting another of his bone-bruising handshakes. I indicated the couch and we sat down.
“Thank you for seeing me. I really need to talk to someone and I didn’t know anybody else to go to.”
“I’m sure, whatever it is, Ted could handle it for you.”
I wanted to make sure he understood I was not going to interfere in any legal matters.
“No. Not this time. This isn’t anything to do with the law. And I can’t talk to Ted because this is about Ted. That’s why I need to talk to you. You’re the only person I know who knows him.”
“What about him?”
“I don’t know if you know what happened between Ted and me about twenty years back?”
“Yes, I know. At least Ted’s side of it, though I have to say his explanation seemed pretty fair and balanced to me.”
“Did he tell you I was an asshole?”
“No. In fact, he defended your actions ‑‑ given the circumstances at the time.”
“Then he wasn’t accurate. I was an asshole! A stupid, ignorant, hillbilly asshole! And I’ve regretted what I did almost every day for twenty years.”
“But if that’s the case, why are you talking to me? Why don’t you tell Ted this?”
“Tommy, be honest with me. When you look at me, what do you see?”
“Well…to be honest and, please, this goes no further than this room, I see a very attractive, very masculine man who is very handsome and has a body guys half his age would give anything for.”
“Yeah. That was part of the problem then.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, not to blow my own horn, but I was a pretty good lookin’ young stud back in those days. I was stupid enough to worry that Ted only cared about my looks and my body. And then there was the age difference. Ted’s more than ten years older than me. Now, that ain’t no big deal now, but when you’re eighteen it is. I was afraid I would be nothin’ to him but a ‘boy toy,’” Dalton said. “What else do you see?”
“Well…you do look like a marine! What with the haircut and the rather rigid bearing, you give off an air of authority.”
“Yeah. That’s the problem. I was trained in the Corps how to give off that impression. That I was ‘in command,’ that I had everything in line and knew exactly what I was doing twenty-four seven! If it was only even partway true, I wouldn’t be in this turmoil!” Dalton said and, for the life of me, I could swear this very mature marine was about to break down in tears!
“But, Dalton, we all feel that way sometimes. We all feel like we’re ‘faking it.’ I know I do when I’m dealing with my son a lot of times. I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
“Do I look like a coward to you, Tommy?” Dalton asked quietly, looking away as if he couldn’t face me or the answer.
“No! The last thing I would say was that you looked like a coward!”
“You see how looks can deceive? I’m a fucking, yellow-bellied, pussy-assed coward! When I moved out of active training of marine recruits and instead became a recruiter, I moved heaven and earth to be placed here in San Francisco. And do you know why?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Because I knew Ted was here.”
“And you were still in love with him.”
“Yes! God help me. But do you know how long I’ve been here? Eight years! I have lived in the same fucking town with a man I love for eight fucking years and I never even tried to contact him. If it hadn’t been for Father Baldwin bringing me here, I would never have had the guts to contact him. And now I don’t know what to do.”
Dalton slumped down on the couch, his body language obviously expressing his feelings of defeat.
“What to do about what?”
“It’s all over. The case, I mean. The charges were all dropped and I got an honorable discharge today with full pension. I’ve got no more reason to see Ted.”
“Except for the fact you love him.”
“Yeah. Except for that.”
“Well, then I see the solution to this to be very simple. You need to tell Ted how you feel.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? Seems pretty simple to me.”
“Yeah. You’d think it would be. For the last three weeks, I’ve been trying. I’ve dropped hints all over the place about how I feel, but Ted’s just ignored them. I feel like if I tell him I love him, he’ll laugh at me. And don’t think I don’t know I’d deserve it! After what I did to him, I’ve got no right to expect him ever to forgive me.”
“So, what is it exactly that you want me to do?”
“I thought maybe…well…you could have a talk with him. Find out how he feels. Let me know if I should just forget it and go away.”
I could hear the misery in his voice. The same kind of misery I could hear in Ted’s voice when he talked about Dalton. Each of them, in his own way, was too stubborn and too full of pride to unbend to the other. But it would never work if someone did it for them. Appearing to think about what Dalton had said, I got up off the couch and walked over to door.
“This is an awful lot to hit me with. I think I need a cup of coffee to digest all of this. You want one?”
“Yeah. I guess I could use one.”
“How do you take it?”
“Black is fine.”
I opened the door and poked my head out.
“Anne would you get us some coffee ‑‑ both black,” I said out loud and then, without sound, mouthed to her, “Get Ted in here!”
She nodded her understanding and said, “Right away, Mr. Atherton.”
I closed the door and walked over to my desk and sat down.
“Dalton, I can understand what you’re feeling. I’ll agree that perhaps you do deserve to have Ted laugh in your face but you obviously don’t know Ted very well if you think him capable of something like that. He’s just not that kind of man. No, I think you need to face him. I think you need to tell him exactly what you’re feeling.”
“But I’ve tried! He’s just ignored it,” Dalton all but whined ‑‑ not a pretty sight in a man, especially not a marine!
“I think it was a matter of timing. Ted is the consummate professional. He is not going to be sidetracked by his emotions while he’s working on a case. I don’t think he ignored your hints at all. I just think he was trying to handle your legal problems to the best of his ability. At the same time, hints are one thing, but they can be misconstrued. And, given your history, I think Ted was perhaps looking for a more clear-cut statement of your desires. I would think he wouldn’t want to take the chance of misreading your intentions. Not a second time.”
Okay, I wasn’t being exactly nice but, then again, I didn’t intend to be. I was quite willing to put Dalton through a little of the hell he’d put Ted through. Even if Ted didn’t require payback, I felt Dalton fully deserved to pay back something as a consequence of his actions.
I don’t know what Dalton would have replied to this because at that moment, my secretary arrived with two cups of coffee, one of which she handed to Dalton and one to me. She was followed by Ted who she had summoned at my request. Dalton looked up in
what appeared to be almost sheer terror when Ted walked into the room.
“You wanted to see me?” Ted asked, and then noticed Dalton sitting on the couch. “Dalt? What are you doing here?”
“I believe Sergeant Kensington has something he wants to say to you, Ted. Don’t you, Sergeant?”
Dalton sat there on the couch, coffee cup in his hand, a stunned expression on his face like someone had just slapped him. His mouth was open, but nothing was coming out.
“What is it, Dalt? What do you want to say?” Ted asked, evidently thoroughly confused by all of this.
“I…I…well…uhh…” Dalton sputtered.
“I think maybe I should leave and let you two talk in private,” I said quietly, figuring it would make things easier on Dalton.
Evidently not.
“No!” Dalton screamed out. “Don’t leave. Please!”
“Okay,” I said quietly and sat down at my desk.
Ted walked over to the couch and sat down. Dalton put down his coffee cup and turned to face him, which put his back somewhat toward me.
“Just take your time, Dalton. What do you want to say?” Ted asked him quietly.
“Look…I know I’ve got no right in the world to ask you this. What I did twenty years ago was cowardly and I’ve regretted it every day since. You got every right to think of me as just a fuckin’ asshole,” Dalton said, his emotions evident as his accent became more pronounced with each word.
“Yes, all of that’s quite true,” Ted said, his voice level and neutral.
“Like I said, I got no right to ask it of you, but…well…do you think you could ever see your way to forgive me for what I done? Could you ever consider us startin’ over again, back to the way things were?”
“Well, I don’t know, Dalton. As you said, you were a coward and ran out on me. It hurt me something awful, Dalt. How would I know you wouldn’t do it again? I’ve not heard one word to convince me of why I should trust you.”
It was quite a masterful performance. I knew exactly what Ted was doing. He was letting Dalton stew in his own juices, and still gently reeling him in like a prize fish. I knew what Ted was waiting for. To see if Dalton had enough guts to finally say the one thing Ted had wanted to hear for twenty years.
Rock Paper Scissors Page 13
