Endless

by S. B. Niccum

  I try to remind myself that what Alex and I had went beyond the physical. We had a spiritual connection before we even knew each other. We shared dreams, we were able to find our way to each other time and time again—so why not now? Why couldn’t I find him on my own when I went looking for him in Prison? Why can’t he find his way to me now, like he’s done since…since before the world began? Yes. I remember that far now. I’ve been remembering lots of things from my previous existence. Little by little, locked up memories from before I crossed the Veil have been cropping up in my memory, making it even harder to accept the fact that Alex and I are history.

  “Tess, you need to stop pacing. You’re making it possible for an immortal being to get a headache.” Drymus covers his eyes with his hand and rubs the pressure points right between his eyes.

  “Sorry.” I stop flying in circles and look at him. I feel like a small child every time I look up at him, he’s so huge and so imposing. “Did I Open wrong?”

  “What? No. Don’t insult me,” he snaps.

  “I’m not trying to insult you. I’m just wondering what I’ve done wrong?”

  “The High Council advised you that he wasn’t ready. You were stubborn and railroaded them into letting you go. This is the result,” he states.

  “Okay, okay.” I try to compose myself. “So what now? What do I do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

  “I don’t know,” he shrugs and the tips of his wings pop slightly out like a reflex. “There’s no rule book.”

  “But what would you do?”

  “I would let him be.”

  I look at him like a lost puppy dog. Does he know how hard that would be for me?

  “As a matter of fact, I do know. I had to do the same thing with my wife and kids once Kerubiel brought me to my Paradise,” he answers my thoughts.

  I stare at him for a few seconds, “Okay, if you say so,” I say, beaten.

  “Hey, I’m not telling you to do anything. This has to be your own decision.”

  “I understand.” I’m going to do this. As much as it kills me inside, I’ll have to let him be. Besides, I do need to get back to Samantha. I’ve left Valerie and Dane out there too long; she’s not their responsibility. “Keep an eye on him for me?”

  “Two,” he says pointing to his eyes, then winks.

  Chapter 15

  “What are you doing here? What is this place?” Henry looks around and takes in the scenery. Before him is a fairytale backyard, complete with a flowering vine covered swing set and not just one pretty little playhouse, but a small neighborhood of them. Heaven’s muted colors make it look dreamlike and somewhat enchanted, like the Irish fairy tales he grew up hearing.

  “This is where I grew up.” Eugenia says matter-of-factly.

  “Really? This place existed? I can’t believe it! It looks like it came out of a painting.”

  Eugenia nods absentmindedly. “It did. I mean, my mom found the picture in a book and gave it to a landscape designer who recreated it for my third birthday.”

  Henry shrugs and sits by Eugenia on one of the red-topped toadstools. “You must have loved it.”

  “Yes, I did. But I never told her that. I threw a fit instead.”

  Henry laughs. “Spoiled, were you?”

  Eugenia nods again, then shakes her head. “I was spoiled, but so were the Preston’s, and neither Alex nor Katie acted like me. Why did I always have to be such a brat?”

  Henry looks out and ponders carefully his reply. He had, in fact, asked himself that question many times before. In life, he had made an art out of complicating things for himself and others to the point that he succeeded in driving everyone he ever loved away, including his wife with his unborn child. “I don’t know, some of us seem to have been born hard-wired to be contrary. I guess it’s just our natures.”

  “But how unfair is that? Why would I be naturally hardwired to be whiney, annoying, and spoiled, while Tess was hardwired to be strong, confident, and mature? Alex always looked up to her. I knew he was attracted to her, even though she had nothing and was a nobody. He always thought that everything she did was amazing. Why couldn’t I do amazing things, things that others would admire and respect?”

  “It’s no use comparing yourself to others. We are who we are and just like everyone else we have weaknesses and redeeming qualities. I just think that we invested more time and energy into the weaknesses, rather than the good qualities.”

  Eugenia shakes her head emphatically. “I have no redeeming qualities. All I’ve ever had was money, beauty, and now…even those things are gone. I have nothing left.”

  “Ooh, I wouldn’t say that. I can see good qualities in you. I’m surprised you don’t see any of them.”

  Eugenia turns and looks at Henry as if she’s seeing him for the first time. “What do you see in me, Henry?”

  “I see resourcefulness, tenacity, warmth of heart, pluck,” he smirks and winks at her.

  “Pluck?”

  “Yeah, pluck. I just saw you asking the woman you tried to murder to help you bust out of Hell. If that’s not pluck, I don’t know what is!”

  Eugenia grins and shakes her head. “It’s desperation, that’s what it is.” She turns, staring ahead at nothing in particular. “You know, I don’t hate her anymore. I used to. Now I secretly admire her and wish that I could be more like her.”

  “You don’t have to try to be more like Tess. You just have to find yourself again, or for the first time!” Henry suggests. “You know, I used to think that I could find myself by doing the things that pleased me and me alone. In the process I let everyone I loved down and lost myself entirely. Since my passing, I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on my life, my choices, my actions and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve done nothing but betray myself my whole entire life. Who knows what I could have accomplished had I been less self-centered and lost myself in pleasing others, rather than myself?” Henry lifts one finger and shakes it in warning. “I think that had I done that, I might have found the real me.”

  “What you just said makes no sense to me,” Eugenia admits frankly. “How do you find yourself by losing yourself?”

  “Have you been to any of your Opening meetings lately?”

  “Yes, all of them! But I have no idea what they’re saying. It’s like everyone is speaking in riddles or some mysterious code language that I don’t understand.” Eugenia shakes her head angrily. “Why does everyone get it except for me?”

  “I think the mind assimilates things when it’s ready to assimilate. You’ll understand everything at your own speed.”

  “How come you’re so ahead of the game?” Eugenia snaps cynically.

  “You forget that I’ve been dead for a long time. I lived during the turn of the century—the twentieth century, not the twenty-first.”

  This realization hits Eugenia anew, not that it matters anymore, but she is talking to a guy who could have been her great-grandfather. The thought should be somewhat creepy to her, but it isn’t. He looks as he did in the prime of his life. Henry isn’t necessarily what she would call handsome. He’s tall, has dark hair, broad shoulders—a precedent to his son, Russell, who turned out even bigger than him. Now that he no longer wears a beard, she can see his features better—a prominent aquiline nose, large brown eyes, and full lips. His jaw line is angular, and his skin has a light golden hue to it. Henry is, after further inspection from Eugenia, not bad. But what surprises her the most is the fact that she doesn’t see him for what he looks like on the outside. When she sees Henry, she sees his soul, and she likes his soul. She trusts him and prefers his company to that of anyone else at this point. Not even Alex gives her this sense of serenity. With Henry, she can be herself. Around Alex, she has to be on guard, always on her best behavior, always pretending to be someone else, someone more to his liking. It’s debilitating and tiresome.

  Instinctively, Eugenia slides her arms around Henry’s own and snuggles up to him on the toadstool, resting her head on hi
s shoulder. This takes him by surprise, but he doesn’t object. Instead he pats her head with his free arm in a soothing manner and rests his own head on top of hers. “That’s right, you just let the creepy old guy comfort you,” he says self-deprecatingly.

  “I don’t see you like that!”

  “But I am. I could have been your great-grandfather.”

  “Well…you weren’t. Look at your ex-wife! She’s with some guy from the 1800’s!” Suddenly realizing that what she had just said could be a sore subject, Eugenia looks up at him with alarm. “Wait, does that bother you?”

  Henry shrugs. “I’m happy she’s happy.” He looks out thoughtfully.

  “Do you still love her?” Eugenia asks not sure why all of a sudden she cares, yet she does.

  “I will always love Estelle, but I’ve never deserved her. She was an angel sent to deliver me, and I was a devil hell-bent on making her fail. Now, she looks more like an unattainable goddess that is way out of my reach.”

  Somehow, this answer does not please Eugenia and a tinge of jealousy creeps up within her. But what did she expect to hear? That he only cared about her now? That he no longer loved his ex-wife? “What if…she wanted you back?” Eugenia asks unexpectedly.

  Henry smiles broadly. “She wouldn’t,” he says flatly. “She’d be crazy to. Just like Alex will never want you, dear.”

  Eugenia’s eyes flair open and she pulls away from him indignantly. What a jerk he is! Why would he say such a hurtful thing?

  “What? You think I’m rude for saying that? You see this, Eugenia?” He points to her childhood backyard. “This is a dream! This is a fairy tale. We might be in Heaven now, but Heaven is not Fantasyland. There are realities you and I have to face and one of them is that no matter how much we change, we have hurt these people and they have moved on. They might have forgiven us, but that doesn’t mean that we still get to live with them happily ever after. It’s a simple cause and effect fact that we have to live with now and for the rest of our eternal existence.”

  “But Alex is different now. He doesn’t even want Tess anymore. He’s finally realized how high and mighty she is. He knows that there are things that she will never understand, they can’t even relate to each other anymore,” Eugenia challenges.

  “He’s not one of us, Eugenia. He’s going through a phase, and he knows that he needs to go through it alone. Once he clears it, he’ll go back to her and that will be the end of it.”

  “How can you know that? You’re wrong,” Eugenia objects sharply. “We are closer now than we’ve ever been.”

  “That may be so, but that’s as close as you two will ever get.”

  “I can see why your wife left you!” she says indignantly. “You’re—you are a total jerk!”

  Henry raises his eyebrows and shrugs his shoulders, conceding. “I was actually being nice.”

  With a huff, Eugenia stands and starts to glide away, but gets stopped by something. Looking down at her arm, she sees that Henry is holding her back with one hand. Is he trying to hurt her? She can’t tell, she feels nothing.

  “I would never lie to you,” Henry says, burrowing his intense eyes into hers.

  “Ha!” she laughs hotly then jerks her arm away, much as she would have done in life. Then, she flies off as fast as her mind can take her.

  “What did I miss?”

  “Oh! Good to have you back!” Tony says approvingly. “Thanks for convincing the High Council of our proposal,” he says slyly, knowing now that I had a second agenda to bring up with the council all along. “Did everything go, um…okay?”

  “Yes, yes, thank you,” I say, uncertain of what to say exactly.

  “Well, the added reinforcements have made it a lot easier to work with the other angels, who like us are watching over mortals who want to fight. We are coordinating with them, so that our mortals can communicate by ham radio and the telegraph. Sam became one of our most expert radio operators. It was a great cost to have lost her.”

  “Lost her? Where? How did she get lost? What do you mean?”

  “What? You didn’t know? They didn’t tell you?”

  “Tell me what? What!” I wanted to shake the little man and jiggle the whole story out of him quickly.

  “She was taken by the ROWE soldiers from the shelter. Pete is beside himself. He can’t seem to snap out of it. It’s like someone ripped the soul right out of him.”

  I look wildly around for Russell or Pete, but I see neither. “Where are they? Where is she?”

  “Look lady, I have a job here, and I intend to see it through. I don’t know what else you have going on that is more important than Armageddon, but I for one, have to get back to work.”

  I release him and he floats slowly down, stopping short about a foot off the physical floor, making himself look a bit taller than he really is. Straightening out his robe, he eyes me dubiously, then turns back to his duties. “Russell and the boy are at the shelters,” he mumbles over his shoulder, with a tinge of pity in his voice.

  “Thanks,” I say, “Sorry,” I add flatly, then fly out toward the shelter.

  It takes forever to find them because there are several different shelters in the area. Apparently once ROWE was voted as the new form of government, poverty started to spread like wildfire. Instead of getting rid of it—as the still standing, yet defiled billboards promised—poverty was actually spread equally throughout all the population. Anyone who dared oppose ROWE was hunted down and taken for interrogation. These people never came back. More and more people disappeared each day and families were left without their providers, and without any means of supporting themselves. Business closed down or were vandalized and forced to close their doors. Homes and personal possessions were ransacked by ROWE soldiers and taken as collateral by them. It was legalized crime. Officers and soldiers lived in luxury while the rest of the people starved and froze to death, and that’s how shelters came to be.

  Some of the less sanguinary ROWE officers had the idea of turning the empty schools into shelters. If everyone died of hunger, there would be no one left to rule over. They were hailed as benevolent and humane, the epitome of what good leadership should be under ROWE, and their measures were copied and implemented worldwide.

  All of this I learned from Tony and the other rebellion angels during my first visit to the underground. And as I fly around, I can see what an anthropologist would see—the remains of a great and prosperous society brought to its knees by a corrupt central government. All of it is apparent in the graffiti on the walls, the broken store windows, the rundown, uninhabited homes, the bullet holes, the garbage, and the desolation of the place. My heart aches for this generation, and my heart aches for Sam, compounding the sadness I already feel for Alex and me.

  Finally, in one of the shelters, I see Russell and his sword. He’s talking to Dane!

  “Where is she?” I ask, without so much as a Hello.

  “Oh Tess, I’m so sorry, there was nothing we could do!” Dane exclaims. “We didn’t leave her side, not for a minute, but—”

  “What? What happened to her?” On the floor, despondent and beat-up, lies Pete.

  “She’s still alive. Valerie is with her. Sam was trying to save these two little kids from the soldiers,” he explains hurriedly. “She went back to the shelter, as she was told, so she wouldn’t raise any suspicions, and while she was here, she saw that this soldier was taking that lady’s twin boys away.” He points to a young girl in her early twenties that looks haunted and sickly. She has two vivacious two-year-olds who are playing around her completely unaware of the misery that surrounds them.

  “They were being noisy, and one of the soldiers took notice of them. He snatched one of them and was about to take them to what he called, ‘officer training camp,’ but Samantha snatched the boy back and tried to make a run for it with the two of them.”

  “It was impetuous of her,” Russell remarks. “Had I been here with my sword, I could have stopped the soldier, but…”
<
br />   “We tried, Tess, trust me. We tried to stop that soldier tooth and nail, but nothing we did worked. There were two escaped spirits from Prison accompanying the soldier, and they grabbed us and held us back. Some of the other angels that happened to be here came to our rescue, but all we could do was take the dark spirits down and bind them. The mortal soldier took Samantha while we struggled with the dark spirits. There was nothing—”

  “Yes, I know. Nothing you could do,” I mumble. “And him?” I point to Pete.

  “We got here right as they were taking Sam, kicking and screaming. Pete tried to get involved, but the soldier knocked him out. They’re coming back for him; he’s no longer safe here. I’ve been trying to convince him to get up and move, but he won’t. It’s like the life has been sucked out of him.”

  “I know someone else with that problem,” I say under my breath.

  “Alex?” Dane asks softly. I nod. “I’m going back up to get some Flaming Swords,” he says, “I think it’s time to have a talk with my son.”

  “I don’t know that talking would do much good. I think maybe time...”

  “Maybe I should go,” Russell says, with a twist of the sword. “Maybe I should tell him how I feel about dark spirits.”

  “I think you need to give Tess that sword and in the mean time, while I go get some more weapons for us, keep this kid out of trouble,” Dane orders, in an unprecedented take-charge sort of voice. Both Russell and I look at him, as if we’re seeing Dane for the first time. “What?” he grumbles. “I’m assertive, I just choose to sit back and observe,” he says defensively. “However, the time for observing is over. Now it’s time to act.” Russell and I nod in agreement and exchange baffled looks. “Come on,” Dane gripes. “We’re wasting time.” He gestures for Russell to hand me the sword and then Dane and I set off—I to help Samantha, and Dane to get weapons.