I let out a deep breath. Then Ms. Baumann said it was time to dance. For a minute, what Des said bothered me. But as we started to go over the hip-hop steps, I decided to let her ten-year-old nonsense go. I don’t even know why I told her what I’m doing anyway.
Thursday, February 13, 9:45 p.m.
Off the phone
Billy just called. We didn’t talk for long, but I’m glad he called.
“Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with the dance and everything, so before things get crazy, I just wanted to say hi.”
“Hi,” I said in a flirty voice.
Billy laughed. “Hi,” he said back.
We both laughed. Any worries I still had about Brynn having said something to him about seeing me with Matt or him being mad melted away. “So, do you think the dance will be fun?” I asked.
“I do,” said Billy. “Especially for some people.”
“What do you mean by that?” I had to ask.
Billy stalled, like he was thinking. “I just meant there are lots of surprises in store.”
That’s when it hit me. What if Billy is planning to do the same thing at the dance that I’m planning to do? What if one of the surprises he’s talking about is that he’s going to tell me he wants to get back together? We’ve definitely had some good moments lately. Billy doesn’t say things unless he means them. Visions of me in sparkly pink, dancing with him, float through my head.
I officially can’t wait until tomorrow!
It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; It is less difficult to know that it has begun.
—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Friday, February 14, 7:32 a.m.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
This morning I washed and flat-ironed my hair, put on my new red-and-white-striped sweater, white jeans, and pink lip gloss, and gave May and June boxes of candy hearts, which I convinced Mom to let them eat at breakfast.“You’re the best big sister ever,” May said as she ate her hearts without even bothering to read the messages on them.
“Yeah,” June said, like she genuinely agreed and wasn’t just repeating what she’d heard. “You’re the best big sister ever.” She read each message out loud before she popped the hearts in her mouth. Crazy for you. Soul mate. Wink wink. The words sounded funny coming out of her seven-year-old mouth, and everyone laughed as she read them.
I don’t have much time to write. Dad’s about to drive me to school. I just took a deep Sophie-style breath and let out a big sigh of happy air. The day is off to an excellent start!
1:38 p.m.
Study Hall
This day has continued to go shockingly well. This morning, all of my teachers let us have Valentine’s celebrations in class. Mrs. Thompson even brought in pink glazed doughnuts and gave each of us cards that said You light my Bunsen burner. It was weird—and maybe slightly inappropriate—but still, it was sweet of her to try.
At lunch, Brynn was in the newsroom putting the “finishing touches” on her article, which meant I got to eat lunch alone with Billy. “So, are you ready for the dance tonight?” he asked. He bumped my shoulder with his like we used to do when we were going out.
I nodded. “Want to tell me about any of the surprises you have planned?” I looked right into Billy’s eyes as I spoke.
Billy held my gaze. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
I can’t wait to find out!
5:30 p.m.
Home from the community center
Being anxious about tonight because of a card is dumb.
I’d been excited all day about the dance tonight and the possibility of what might happen with Billy, but something happened at the community center that dampened my spirits. There was no rehearsal this afternoon, just a party. Ms. Baumann brought juice and heart-shaped cookies with red and white sprinkles. Everyone on the dance team gave the girls at the community center cards we’d made. The one I’d made for Des had a lip kiss on the front that I’d done myself with Mom’s red lipstick.
Des had made a card for me too. She’d drawn a picture of a sandwich and a bag of potato chips on the front. I thought it was a strange image for a Valentine’s card. “I hope you get the sandwich and the chips,” it said on the inside. I shook my head at Des. “I don’t mean to be dumb, but I’m not sure I get it.”
She shrugged. “I hope you get everything you want tonight,” she said. Then she lowered her voice. “You know, like, if it doesn’t work out, I don’t want you to be disappointed.”
I felt my stomach turn over. As I sat there munching cookies and sipping juice, I found myself wondering if her words were in some way weirdly prophetic. I thought about it all the way home. Bottom line: it’s stupid to worry about a strange Valentine’s card when I have a dance to get ready for.
6:43 p.m.
Dressed
But not sure I’m ready
Not that May and June are fashion experts, but when they saw me dressed for the dance, they both said, “You look pretty!” at the same time. They were a chorus of sameness, which usually bothers me, but tonight I liked it.
Mom called Dad to come home from the diner so he could take pictures. “You look beautiful, sweetheart,” he said when he saw me.
Even though he’s my dad, it was nice to hear it. I just hope Billy has the same reaction. Hopefully when he sees me, he’ll know for sure (I mean, hopefully he knows already) that he wants to get back together. I was so confident about it the other night when we were on the phone, but now I’m not so sure. Des’s card kind of weirded me out. If he doesn’t say something to me, I can still say something to him. That was my original plan anyway.
Not a big deal. Either way, tonight should have a happy ending.
11:17 p.m.
Happy endings don’t exist
At least, not at school dances
Tonight was the most disastrous night ever.
It didn’t start that way. The gym looked amazing. There were silver sparkly things hanging from the ceiling, lights everywhere, a DJ, a crepe maker, and a Dippin’ Dots cart. When I walked in, I could tell everyone was super pumped and upbeat. Brynn was already there talking to Heather, Kelly, and Julia. I walked up to their group, and Brynn gave me a huge hug. “You look gorgeous!” she squealed.
“I love your dress!” Heather said. Kelly and Julia both nodded in agreement.
“See!” Brynn said. “Aren’t you glad I made you get it?”
I was. It actually made me feel a little bad that I had doubted Brynn. I looked around for Billy, who was talking to the DJ. Brynn must have followed my gaze to where he was standing. “Official business,” she said. The way she said it was a little weird, like she was his assistant or something, but I decided it was something that fell into Sophie’s little stuff category so I let it go.
I was glad I did. When Billy finished what he was doing, he walked over to where we were all talking. “Look at you!” he said. He was smiling. I smiled back. I could feel myself starting to relax into the night.
When the music started, everyone danced. The DJ was amazing, and when the dance contest started, Emily, Kate, Vanessa and I all gravitated to the middle of the gym. The dance floor was packed, and everyone was going crazy during the contest.
“Give it up for the winners!” the DJ finally boomed. The four of us plus Ian Sanders and Jack Hewitt won. It was awesome. Everyone clapped and cheered as the DJ gave each of us gift certificates for two free movie tickets.
The night had been really fun up to this point. I was happily picturing myself at the movies, holding hands with Billy. Even though Billy hadn’t said anything to me yet about wanting to get back together, I wasn’t worried. There hadn’t been an opportunity, and as student government president, he was busy making sure everything was going OK. So when the DJ put on a slow song and announced that it was time for the final dance, I knew it was time to put my plan into action. I looked around the gym for Billy. I wanted to find him and ask him to dance. It was the perfect time to
tell him that I want to get back together.
But when I looked across the gym and found Billy, he was already dancing.
With Brynn!
My stomach lurched. I didn’t want it to be obvious that I was watching them. I didn’t want to watch them, but my eyes were glued to their every move. What I saw was so totally not what I was expecting. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Billy had his hands around Brynn’s waist. She leaned into him and pressed her boobs against his chest. Billy smiled. His hands dropped lower on her waist. Then, Brynn smiled at Billy and kissed him on the cheek. I watched her lips linger for a few seconds. They looked at each other as they danced, and that’s when it hit me: they’re already a couple. My plan to get back together with Billy wasn’t happening. Before the song even ended, I went outside and texted Dad to come pick me up.
I’d seen enough for one night.
11:59 p.m.
More than upset
I can’t sleep. I just can’t believe what happened tonight. I was so sure Billy felt the same way I did. I never dreamed that the girl he likes is Brynn. My best friends are a couple. I can’t even believe I just wrote that. The way I’d imagined the night turning out and the way it actually did had absolutely nothing in common. I think about what Des wrote in her card and what she said to me this afternoon at the community center. My worst fears have been confirmed. Brynn likes Billy. Billy likes Brynn.
End of the story. And not a happy one.
You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.
—Albert Camus
Saturday, February 15, 7:02 a.m.
Naked
Just looked in the mirror
Don’t like what I see
I keep thinking about last night. I’m literally obsessed. My brain is incapable of thinking about anything else. When I woke up, I kept my eyes closed, hoping that what I saw was a dream. But it wasn’t. I can’t believe I stood there at the dance and watched Brynn and Billy pressed against each other, kissing. True, they weren’t kissing full on. No lips. No tongue. Just cheek. But still, it was at a school dance, so I can only imagine what they must be doing elsewhere.
I can’t believe I was just about to ask Billy if he wanted to dance, and I really can’t believe I was going to ask him if he wanted to get back together. I’m such an idiot. How did I miss this one? Them getting together doesn’t have anything to do with planning a dance or making posters or some stupid article. This is about two things: Boobs. Brynn’s. They’re bigger than mine. Much bigger. I wonder if Billy has touched them. If he hasn’t yet, I bet he’d like to.
Oh, God.
10:17 a.m.
My brain is completely stuck on last night. It’s not just that Brynn and Billy kissed. I can’t believe Brynn never said a word to me about the fact that she and Billy are a couple now. Was she going to tell me or just wait and let me find out on my own? What happened to best friends tell each other everything? Sure, Brynn and I have had our differences, but you’d think she’d tell me something big like that, even if she thought it would upset me. She’s usually the poster child for “brutal honesty.”
And for that matter, why didn’t Billy say anything either? He’s never said the first word about any of this. Part of me feels like he would try to deny that he and Brynn are a couple or make it seem like it’s no big deal. I can just hear him. “Aw, April, don’t get loco on me here.” But I know what I saw. Brynn and Billy. Kissing. On the dance floor.
But I’m confused. What did Billy mean when he said, “I miss this”? I thought he was flirting with me. Obviously he wasn’t. I don’t know.
10:23 a.m.
Actually, I do. It meant nothing.
2:35 p.m.
Brynn just called. That sounds like a good thing, right? It wasn’t.
“What happened to you last night?” asked Brynn. “I didn’t even see you leave.”
I was debating if I wanted to tell Brynn what I saw or if I wanted to just sit there, not saying anything, to try and force her to admit what happened. Part of me hoped she’d say I might have seen her kiss Billy but it meant nothing. But that’s not what happened. Brynn started blabbering on about the dance and how amazing it was and that she had the best time.
She didn’t even ask me if I had fun. I guess she knew the answer to that one.
4:15 p.m.
Obsessed
Now my brain is obsessing over something I hadn’t thought about until now: how long has this been going on? I don’t even want to think about it. But I can’t help it. For all I know, Billy and Brynn have been together since New Year’s Day when they “hung out” on her bed and watched movies. Brynn and Billy kept secrets about the dance from me. Did they keep other secrets too? I sincerely hope that’s not the case, because if it is, the year started off much worse than I even knew.
9:02 p.m.
Sophie just called. She’s like a mind reader. “How was the dance?” she asked, and everything spilled out.
“You should call Brynn and talk to her,” she said when I was done.
“What would I say? I don’t want to sound like a bigger idiot than I already am.”
“You say ‘I saw you kiss Billy. What’s up with that?’ Then, you just sit there and wait for her to do the talking,” said Sophie.
I grunted into the phone.
Sophie laughed. “This falls into the little stuff category.”
Usually what Sophie says makes perfect sense, but I had no clue how she could think my two best friends dating each other falls into the little stuff category.
Nothing about it feels little to me.
Monday, February 17
Study Hall Hell
Today’s edition of the Faraway News came out at lunch, and Brynn’s article about Billy is on the front page along with a big picture of him. I felt sick reading the article. It spilled over onto page two of the newspaper, and when I opened it up, there was a picture of Brynn with her hands on Billy’s shoulders, leaning over him while he was writing. The caption under the photo read, “Brynn Stephens, Faraway News Editor in Chief, watches as Student Government President Billy Weiss plans the school Valentine’s dance.” If you ask me, it should have read, “Interviewer getting up close and personal with interviewee.”
Brynn is just two desks down from me, and I can’t even look in her direction.
10:02 p.m.
Bad day
I didn’t speak to Brynn for the rest of the afternoon. The more I thought about the article in the paper and everything that I’m sure has happened between Billy and Brynn that I don’t know about, the worse my mood became.
I was leaving after school to go with Emily, Kate, and Vanessa to the community center when Brynn stopped me. “Is something the matter?” she asked. “You haven’t said a word to me all afternoon.” I really didn’t know what to say. Brynn kept talking. “You saw the newspaper article about Billy, right? Don’t you think it turned out great?”
I couldn’t believe what she was asking me. It was like she was clueless as to how I might be feeling. “I have to get to the community center,” I told Brynn and hurried off, but when I got there, my day just got worse.
“So what happened at the dance?” Des asked. I think she could tell by my expression that it didn’t go well. “Maybe we should get to work,” she said when I didn’t answer her question.
“That’s a good idea.” Ms. Baumann, who I hadn’t even seen, was standing behind us. She pulled me aside. “April, your student doesn’t appear to be ready for the show.”
Not what I wanted to hear from Ms. Baumann.
I’ve had enough of this day. I’m going to bed.
Tuesday, February 18, 7:54 p.m.
It’s possible I’m suffering from chronic bad mood.
When I got home from the community center, May and June had a blanket and pillows set up on the floor in front of the TV. “Want to come to our SpongeBob picnic?” May asked.
“Mom said we can eat d
inner in front of the TV!” June was bouncing up and down while she was talking. Even though I could tell they were really into it, I just shook my head like I was RSVPing no to their picnic.
As I started walking to my room, Mom stopped me and asked if everything was OK. I told her it was, but it’s not. Sophie texted me twice tonight and now she just called. I didn’t pick up. I don’t want to talk to her about Brynn or Billy or how any of what’s happened falls into the small stuff category. Billy called too. I thought about picking up, but I didn’t. I’ve been sitting here for the last twenty minutes, staring at my phone, which put me in an even worse mood.
Which I didn’t think was possible.
I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.
—Harry Potter
Thursday, February 20, 1:37 p.m.
Study Hall
I’ve managed to avoid Brynn all week. I haven’t returned any of her texts or phone calls. I haven’t felt like talking to her. But today, I didn’t have a choice. She came up to me after assembly. “You haven’t spoken to me all week. I texted you last night and you didn’t even text back.” She was shifting from foot to foot while she talked, which is what she does when she’s nervous.
I thought about Sophie’s insistence that I say something. “I saw you kiss Billy at the dance.” The words just tumbled out.
Brynn’s forehead crinkled up like she was confused. “It was just a kiss between friends.”
“A kiss between friends?” It sounded more like a question when I repeated it. I knew I sounded like June, but I didn’t care.
Brynn nodded her head. “No big deal.”
And that’s when I lost it. I didn’t want to have a confrontation at school, but everything I’d been feeling and thinking came out. “It was a big deal to me. You’re supposed to be my best friend. You and Billy and I are all supposed to be best friends. I know you like Billy, but you haven’t said the first word about it to me, and now you’re telling me that kissing him was no big deal?” My lips were starting to tremble.
#3 Truth and Kisses Page 6
