“Same advice as the rest of the girls?” I ask with a raised brow.
“Search your heart,” we say in unison.
“God, you’re right,” I say with a sigh as I start to shuffle another stack of pamphlets.
“I know it’s a tough spot to be in, having to decide, but if you follow your heart I’m confident you’ll make the right choice.”
“Yeah, well…”
“Listen. Andrew and I’ve been through shit. Serious shit, girl.” She raises both eyebrows, then rolls her eyes. “But when I search my heart and think of how Andrew fills it with so much love, so much care; when I think about how he totally understands who I am—and the parts he doesn’t, he tries to, he wants to…even the yucky ones—I know where I’m supposed to be. He picks me up when I fall and I love him for all his rescue-me qualities and for his vulnerabilities…for everything! Even the things that drive me crazy.” She sighs dreamily. “Without each other we’re totally pathetic, totally lost. Not being together is just not an option. When things are tough and I think we’ve hit rock bottom—and we so have—and when I feel with my heart, I always come back to Andrew. Because I love him. If you feel with your heart then…” She shrugs.
“Thanks, Jack.” I pat her arm and smile.
“And of course the sex,” she adds with a wink. “When the sex is amazing you can’t walk away from that.”
“Here we go,” I say through a laugh. “The nymphomaniac.”
“I’m serious. I found my true love. I want the same for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Well, I need to run.” She turns towards the kitchen. “You have those desserts for my clients?”
“All ready and labeled on the table,” I say limply, none too cheerful as I face the fact, yet again, that this isn’t over. No “do or die” text will fix things. No locking things away in the vault and keeping silent. I just have to make a choice and act.
“Oh, fantastic!” Jackie sings when she lays eyes on the collection of pink to-go boxes waiting for her. “Sophie, these thank-you baskets I’m putting together for my clients are so great. A big hit.” She winks and begins to gather them.
I offer to help carry them out to her car.
“You know when I’m done with Chad’s kitchen you’ll have to go over and bake him some of his favorite treats,” she says in a teasing tone.
“God, Jackie, you are too much.”
“But you love me!”
As we make our way to her Mercedes I ask her why she’s doing Chad’s kitchen. She’d redesigned pretty much his entire place before, but for whatever reason left the kitchen out of the plans.
“I don’t know,” Jackie replies lazily as we set the boxes down carefully on the passenger seat and floor.
The back of Jackie’s car is unlike I’ve ever seen it, covered in design magazines, rolled blueprints, an attaché case, manilla file folders, and more stacks of marketing materials. Disorganization aside, I couldn’t be prouder of her. It’s hard to believe that less than a year ago she had no idea where her life was going, what she wanted to do. A total train wreck.
“Whatever the reason,” she says, shutting the car door, “I’ll take the job. Chad called me up, I’m getting paid—no guinea-pig kind of work to help grow my portfolio—although I guess I’ll give him a small deal.” She winks and clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “It’s a job, and I have great ideas for that space. When I’m done that houseboat will be ready to put on the market if he wants. Put a For Sale sign up and sell that puppy in an—”
Suddenly, both Jackie’s and my eyes grow wide. She sucks back her breath, I suck in mine. I clasp a hand to my mouth.
“No,” she breathes. “You don’t thi—”
“Oh, no,” I groan. “I didn’t, but now I do. You don’t think he’d actually…move, do you? Like, because of this?” My upper lip curls in disbelief.
“Sophie, you’re a charming woman, and you have a really fine ass…”
“What?”
“But I hardly think Chad’s the kind of guy who’d be so torn up over this he’d move out of town.” She gives me a look that says, “Come on, let’s get real!”
But still. The idea isn’t that preposterous, is it?
“I don’t know…” I drift.
“Okay. All the more reason for you to hop to it and figure your shit out, sister!” She claps me on the back and moves briskly to the driver’s side of her car.
“Figure out what you should let go of,” she says, one leg in the car, her flashy Cartier sunglasses set into place. “And act quickly.”
“Got it.”
“And don’t forget the sex!” She starts her engine. “Always consider the sex you’d be leaving behind.” And with that, she backs out of her parking space and zooms out of the lot, leaving me with a smile and a hell of a decision to make.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Too tired and distracted to go to Studio Tulaa for some yoga, and a more enticing Help Wanted ad for the café written in bold on my to-do list, I decide to relax and escape by testing out a new recipe.
As I stir about the silky mixture of an Irish cream cupcake, to be topped with a soft cinnamon-honey icing, my movements methodic, repetitious, calming, I consider my next move with the whole Chad thing.
When Jackie left the café I decided that tonight I would give Chad a call, but that’s about as far as I got in the plans. I’d call and say what? The same thing I texted him? Leave me alone; let’s move on? Extend the invitation to talk, to actually talk? Give him a chance to be honest with me?
I turn up my iPod radio, the smooth and soothing tunes of one of my favorite bands, The Civil Wars, filling the apartment kitchen.
Do I call to give Chad a chance? Give us a chance? Is that what I want?
I shake a can of coconut milk and search in my spice cupboard for the almond extract when there’s a knock at the front door.
Another knock comes shortly after, immediately followed by a ringing of the tinny bell.
Who at this hour? I think as I approach the front door. If this is Chad… The thought makes my stomach flip, and as I peek through the peephole I suck in a fast sip of air.
“Shit.”
I suppose that’s how these kinds of things tend to work out. What’s that saying? If something can go wrong, it will?
Oh, just open the door! I clear my throat, tuck my hair behind my ears, and pull open the door, face drawn into a tight, emotionless expression.
“Sophie,” Chad rasps.
And there goes my emotionless expression.
“Chad,” I say in a voice higher and quakier than expected. I feel my face soften; I bite my bottom lip, my tongue, and I swallow hard.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I say after a long pause of uncertainty.
“I want to explain things,” he says as I close the door behind him. “And you’re impossible to get a hold of, so here I am.”
“I was going to call you.” I press my back against the door and watch as he takes a seat on the edge of the sofa. He looks discomfited. His tone is solemn. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Anywhere’ll do.”
He folds his hands, leans forward, elbows on knees, and talks to the floor. “I know what you had to say to me at the loft was really difficult for you.”
Yeah, you think?
“It took a lot of courage,” he says. “The circumstance at the time—with me working, the client—it all just made for a disaster.” He draws his head up slowly, his eyes meeting mine. “I’m sorry it had to be like that.”
I twist my mouth to the side, trying to act nonchalant, but inside I’m reeling, feeling like I’ve lost control not only of my ability to make a decision and the situation at hand, but of my emotions, my composure.
“If you’ll allow me to explain,” he pleads.
I feel a softening in my heart, apathy being replaced by curiosity, a tiny sense of passion. “Okay,” I say.
“First, Che
lsea is a client.”
“It doesn’t matter. Your personal life is your business, Chad,” I say, feigning absolute insouciance. The ordeal did unnerve me. “And it’s not her I care about,” I say honestly. It’s Evelyn and her quitting, and what she said, and Chad avoiding honesty is what I am about to say, but Chad cuts in quickly.
“Chelsea’s a client,” he says, adamant. “The pesky client? The one with the hippo complex? Remember?” He waits for a response, and all I do is shrug. He clenches his jaw. “Sometimes I do nudes. I’m an artist, what can I say? But I didn’t sleep with her. I swear. I haven’t just…moved on.”
“Well that’s good. It’s hardly been, what?” I furrow my brow. “A week? Out with Evelyn and on with—”
“I haven’t moved on from you.”
The air suddenly becomes heavy, thick with silence.
Chad breaks it at last, saying, “Yes, I know I was with Evelyn for a long time, but Sophie.” He looks me in the eyes. “Sophie, I haven’t gotten over you.”
Given the secret Jackie revealed today and considering Evelyn’s curious parting words, I’m not quite as gobsmacked by this confession. It still makes me recoil, though, forced deeper into pensive silence. All I want for him is to be honest, to be real. Now that it’s happening, that I’m getting what I want, I don’t know how to react.
I try to tamp down my surge of mixed emotions, my flurry of thoughts, and listen as Chad says with downcast eyes, “The truth with Evelyn is that we broke up for a number of reasons. I didn’t want her to go on spring break. I didn’t like the idea of her running off with her friends…guy friends. It wasn’t that I was jealous or worried she’d cheat or anything. I guess it was…”
His eyes meet mine for a brief moment. “Yeah, I guess it was kind of like with you firing me. There’s more to it, underneath. After that weekend together at the café, Sophie, it really got me to thinking. Evelyn and I couldn’t last. I love being around you, spending time with you, just you. I had a lot of fun.”
As his tone relaxes, his words flowing more freely and quickly, I, too, begin to feel at ease. I take a seat across from him.
“When I was with you I forgot all about Evelyn and how our relationship was going south,” he says. “It was just you and me…and I liked it. Of course,” he sighs, “I still cared for Evelyn. But I think I—I—part of me didn’t want her to leave town because I knew I’d have to face the truth that being with Evelyn made not being able to be with you a little more bearable.”
He pauses for a lengthy moment before saying, “Anyway, she came home, we talked, talked about how we’d been fighting so much and…it was all true. All valid reasons, and the truth about why I wanted to break up. Then she accused me of being hung up on you. She thought we’d hooked up while she was gone, but of course I told her we hadn’t. I told her that I only came over to help at the café.”
I nod my head briskly. Chad and I may have done a lot of stupid and rash things in the past, but cheating was never one of them.
“Then she said she could…” He swallows, head down, hands clasped tightly. “She said she could see it when she saw me watch you. That I was hung up on you, that I never got over you. Said she’s felt it for a long while now. She said she couldn’t sit around and watch us become a couple at work, so she’d have to quit.”
I breathe out a “wow,” all of the pieces coming together. It’s true. It all seems so elementary, so ridiculous, but at least it’s finally the truth. No more lies, no more secrets, no more assumptions.
“I begged her not to quit,” he says. He looks at me with soft and pleading eyes. “I asked for you not to be thrown into our shit. But…I can understand where she was coming from.”
“So it’s true?” I say at last, mouth dry.
“Of course.” He sounds exasperated. “I’m coming clean. I’m explaining—”
“No, what Evelyn said. What Jackie said. Are you still…”
“I’m not over you, Sophie.” He unclasps his hands and comes to a slow stand. “I’ve tried. God, I’ve tried.”
“Jackie said,” I begin, emotions racing, my head clouded. “Jackie said Conner had accidentally told her you had feelings for me…”
“That’s right,” he admits without a shred of resistance.
“Even right before you and Evelyn got together?”
“Yes.”
“And…now?”
“Always, Sophie.”
I inadvertently bring a hand to my heart and exhale.
“Why did you take so long to tell me this, then?” I ask as soon as I can catch my breath, gather some thread of a thought. “Why didn’t you tell me all this when I came to your house right after Evelyn quit? Or how about at the loft?! After I go and tell you how I feel! If you wanted to be together even then, why didn’t you say anything?” My voice rises in pitch as I feel my body tense at the mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.
“Because I promised you, Sophie.” He looks dismayed. “I made a promise to you, in Paris. Just friends, maybe friends with random benefits, never anything more. Telling you something like this would break that promise…ruin our friendship.” He sniffs. “Not that our friendship is all that great after all this.”
“You made it clear there’s nothing between us,” he carries on, “and could never be. So when you asked about Evelyn back at my place and asked what she meant about us being together and why she quit…” He gives a breathy sigh. “Look, if I had it my way you and I would be together. Evelyn knew that. She even said that if I wanted to be with you so much then, well…” His gaze falls to the floor. “I should go after you, we should be happy together, and, well, she’d be quitting so it wouldn’t be awkward…”
“Chad.”
“But I couldn’t do that. You made it clear, Sophie. I want to be more than friends, you don’t, and I’d rather be friends with you than not have you in my life at all. So…that’s why I didn’t want to explain what happened with Evelyn. It was just…pointless. It wouldn’t have mattered because I can’t have you.”
“Chad.”
“But.” He holds up a finger. “Since you came and told me how you felt at the loft, and we needed to clear the air, and— God, I was totally taken by surprise back there. I acted like an idiot not being honest and letting you get away…and you were so angry and I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen you that way, telling me all those things you thought about us.” A look of hope crosses his face, his eyes light up, his chest rises as he breathes, his shoulders are strong and wide. He holds up a hand. “Look, can we give this another try? Give us a try? I know I’ve kind of made a mess of things, and—”
“Chad, I appreciate your honesty, but,” and I choose my words carefully, self-preservation taking precedence, “I just can’t see this working out. Look at what we’ve done to each other. Look at this!” I wave my hands between us. “We’re ridiculous. Lies and secrets and…”
I laugh in an uncomfortable way, my voice raising and lowering in wavy, off-tempo beats. “I feel something for you, yes, and you’ve felt something for me—”
“Feel something for you, Sophie,” he cuts in passionately, his tone filled with a sense of urgency.
“Our timing’s all off,” I say, feeling so helpless, so spent.
“Don’t say that.”
“I can’t keep doing this to myself, Chad. It hurts too much.” I shake my head as I grip my churning stomach. “Jackie put it into clear perspective. I have to let go of the memories and the idea of us—”
“No.”
“Or I have to let go of the fear of what we could be. Not even will be, but could be! A total risk! I’d have to give in—”
“Give me a chance, Sophie,” he pleads, his voice registering an octave above normal. “Please. There’s something there with us. Let’s see where it could go! Take that risk with me.”
“Look where it brought us!” I say loudly, hands outstretched rigidly. “Lies. Secrets. Innocent parties—Evelyn—involved in our—o
ur—our—shit! I can’t keep doing this to myself! Back and forth, back and forth. You can’t put yourself through this hell, either. I mean, I must be some kind of a masochist or something!” I grip my head. “We’re crazy, Chad. We’d tear each other apart. It would never work.”
“I’m crazy for you.”
“Stop.” I hold up a hand. “I really can’t deal with this right now. I think I’ve made a choice.” Our eyes meet.
“I’m being completely honest with you, Sophie. That’s what you wanted.”
“And I’m glad. I really appreciate it. It’s about time we’re honest. But we can’t.”
“Sophie.”
“Really, Chad. That’s all I wanted was the truth. And now that I have it I need to make a choice. It’s for the best. For both of us. It’s self-preservation. I’m…letting go. I’m moving on. And…I think you should, too. It’s going to be hard, but—”
“Sophie, please! Just stop, listen.”
He moves two steps towards me, and I wave an insistent hand for him to stop. “I’ve got a lot going on with the café right now; I’m trying to find a new employee; I’ve got Brandon coming back into town and Robin dealing with that and…” My hands are shaking, my heart is beating so hard I can hear it thump in my ears.
“Forget Brandon, Sophie.”
“I h-h-ave,” I say twice, stuttering. “Trust me, I’m over that, but the adoption—his being here, his leaving this circle forever—it’s stirring up a lot of emotions.” I rub at my stomach with a jittery hand and begin to lightly pace—two short steps to the right, four to the left, back to the right…
“You always deserved better than him,” Chad says. “And I don’t say this to hurt you, but you have to stop running in fear.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re afraid. You said it yourself, you have to decide if you’re going to let go of the fear of what we could be.”
“That’s absurd.” I quicken my pacing.
“It’s true. Brandon broke your heart years ago, and you hide in that. You think any relationship you have will suffer the same demise. You’ve been running in fear for so long you’re missing out on something that could be really special.”
When Girlfriends Find Love Page 37
