Mavis scooped Coco up in her arms. “What’s wrong with her? Did she have a spell? What?” she asked as she waddled along, trying to catch up with them.
“Does she look all right?” Sophie snapped. “Of course she’s not all right. She’s off in the Twilight Zone at the moment.”
“Yip, yip!”
“Good Lord, Sophie, do you always have to be so blunt?” Toots asked as they pulled Ida down the pathway toward the exit, where a limo waited.
“Listen to the damn dog. Even she knows Ida isn’t playing with a full deck. And, yes, I suppose I could phrase it better, but that’s not my style. All of you, just handle it, or I’m outta here. I mean it. We agreed to come here at your insistence to try and do something good for Abby, and this schmuck,” Sophie said, pointing to Ida, “is screwing up the works. I’m too old for this shit, and so are the rest of you, so let’s get it in gear and make things happen.”
“Maybe you should consider a new style,” Toots said, but her tone left a lot to be desired. Secretly, she applauded Sophie’s in-your-face attitude.
“I will when hell freezes over, okay? Now, let’s get Mrs. Clean to the car. You can worry about my style later.”
With Mavis and Coco lagging behind, Sophie and Toots half dragged a protesting Ida toward the hotel’s exit.
Toots grappled for something to say. “I know you don’t like us very much right now, Ida, but at some point I know you’ll thank both of us when we get you back up to snuff. Try to remember what life was like before you went nuts. Right now, speaking strictly for myself, I don’t give a good rat’s ass if you ever speak to me again or not. I’m going to get you back to functioning the way you did then if it kills me. Are you listening to me, Ida? Just nod if you want your old life back.”
A spark from Ida. “Yes, I would like that. Very much. It’s just…hard.”
“There’s hard, then there’s hard,” Mavis said breathlessly. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to resist calling room service and ordering up a giant hot fudge sundae? But I want to live, so I just ask myself, what’s more important, my life or a hot fudge sundae? That’s why I went to the gym this morning, where I met a wonderful young lady who promises to help me lose weight. I did seven whole minutes on the treadmill. Seven minutes! Tomorrow my goal is nine minutes,” she said proudly. “All you have to do, Ida, is to take off all that crap and fucking do what we all tell you!”
Toots and Sophie gasped at Mavis’s choice of words. Mavis never, as in never, said a bad word; it was the schoolteacher in her.
“Unlike you, I have nothing to live for,” Ida said without a trace of emotion. “When Thomas died, I died.”
Sophie chimed right in. “If that isn’t the biggest crock of shit, I don’t know what is! How many times have you been married? I’ve heard that song and dance from you so many times I’ve lost count. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be better off alone? Don’t answer that, Ida.”
With more venom than necessary, Sophie continued, “I’ve known you for fifty years, and not once in all these years have you ever been without a man. I think it’s time you got your act together and stopped depending on other people, especially men, and toss your daily RSVP to your own damned pity party. You know something, Ida? You just might find out that life isn’t all about you! Stand on your own two feet for a change. I can’t believe what a pathetic old woman you’ve allowed yourself to become!” Out of breath, Sophie clamped her jaw tight, angrier than she’d ever been. She decided she wasn’t finished. “Where do you get off thinking the world is your personal oyster? As far as I’m concerned, and I think I speak for Toots and Mavis, you, Ida, are a failure as a woman, as a godmother, and as a friend. I refuse to play your stupid ‘poor me’ game anymore.”
Toots took a deep breath. “I guess we all know how you really feel now.”
“It’s just the uncensored version of what I see. You know I call it like it is. What’s the point of adding all the niceties if you’re lying? I don’t do lies, Toots. Not anymore.”
The limo, a white Lincoln Town Car, waited beneath the portico as they forced Ida ahead. “I don’t want to do this. I’ve changed my mind.”
“Tough,” said Sophie. “You’re going to do it whether you want to or not. Right, Toots?” Sophie gave her the evil eye, daring Toots not to support her.
“Ida, Sophie is right. You know what else? Sophie did speak for me, and, by the way Mavis is nodding, she spoke for her, too. Resign yourself to the fact that you are going to the doctor today. One more word out of you, and I will personally slug you.”
Toots mouthed “she’s gone” to Sophie and Mavis. This was getting old fast.
The limo driver walked around to the passenger side to open the door. “Can I assist you?” he asked, looking at Ida, who was trying to wiggle free.
“No, we’re fine. Just get ready to burn rubber when we get her inside,” Sophie said. “She might try to jump out, so you’d better keep your speed up, too.”
Arms flailing and flapping, Toots and Sophie managed to force Ida into the backseat. “Get in, Mavis,” Sophie shouted. “Mavis, sit on her if you have to.”
Mavis waddled as fast as her sausage legs would go. With a surprisingly new speed, she and Coco climbed into the car without any assistance. Toots crawled in next, then Sophie.
“Tromp on it,” Sophie shouted to the driver.
“Oh”—Mavis clapped her pudgy hands—“this is just like in the movies!”
“Well, I, for one, wouldn’t pay a dime to see this movie,” Toots commented drily.
Ida sat scrunched in the corner, staring listlessly out the window as they raced down Beverly Hills Boulevard to the Center for Mind and Body, where she had an appointment with renowned psychiatrist Dr. Benjamin Sameer, courtesy of Dr. Joe Pauley. He’d made sure Toots knew what he had done was above and beyond the call of duty. What it also meant was Toots was now on the hook for his wife’s next do-good project.
“Me, either,” Sophie added, never missing an opportunity to get her two cents’ worth in. “Can we smoke in here? I need a cigarette.”
“Me, too, and no, we can’t smoke. It says so right there.” Toots pointed to a small rectangular sign displaying a cigarette within a circle and a forward slash running through it.
Fifteen minutes later, they passed through the gates leading to the Center for Mind and Body. Sophie strained to look out the window. “Look at this place, Ida, it’s all white and clean-looking.”
Ida dared a glimpse out her window.
“This place looks like the Taj Mahal,” Toots said. “I think Dr. Sameer is from India.”
“I don’t care if he’s from Timbuktu, as long as he can do something to help Ida. If not, I’ll go nuts, and you’ll have to bury Walter,” Sophie said as she admired the manicured lawns, the bright white buildings scattered throughout the pristine grounds. “Aren’t people from India really clean? Or are they really dirty? I can’t recall which it is.”
“I wouldn’t know, Sophie. I believe I’ve heard somewhere that they bathe before a meal, a purification sort of thing among Hindus,” Toots said.
“That’s wonderful. Isn’t that wonderful, Ida? The doctor will understand exactly where you’re coming from,” Mavis said.
Sophie rolled her eyes. Toots grinned.
“Do I have to do this?” Ida asked, as the limo came to a stop.
Toots cast Sophie a “not-now” look before answering. “Yes, you do have to do it, Ida. All your options just ran out. Just think of the freedom you’ll have before you know it.”
“And all the money you’ll save when you don’t have to buy those gloves and bleach and soap and that other crap you use to make your world a better place,” Sophie sniped.
“Snap to it, Ida, we have to go inside. We certainly don’t want to keep Dr. Sameer waiting, especially since he’s seeing you as a special favor,” Toots said.
Their driver, ever the gentleman, opened the door, stepping aside as the
women crawled out of the limousine. Toots reached inside her clutch bag, removed a hundred-dollar bill, and tucked it in the driver’s hand. “Would you mind waiting here?” Though she’d hired the limo indefinitely, she wasn’t sure if she had clarified that she wanted the driver to wait for them.
The driver glanced at the bill Toots had thrust in his hand before he answered. “Not at all.”
“Fine, then let’s get started. Showtime, girls!” Typhoon Toots said dramatically.
Together, they assisted Ida as she walked up the stairs, her head lolling to the side like a rag doll’s. “Cooperate, Ida, or I will strip you naked right here in front of the door. That means pick up your damn feet and pretend you’re alive.”
Inside the office, they were greeted by a pleasant young woman wearing a red-and-gold sari made of silk. She had soulful brown eyes, honey-colored skin, and a welcoming smile that lit up the room and put them all at ease.
“You must be Mrs. McGullicutty. I’m Amala. The doctor will be with you very soon.” She clasped her hands together as though in prayer. “May I offer you ladies a cool drink, some tea?” Toots looked at Sophie, daring her to open her mouth.
“I am dying for a cigarette. Is there a smoking area around here?”
The young woman smiled. “As a matter of fact, we have a specially ventilated smoking room because Dr. Sameer smokes cigars. He says it helps him think. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you there.”
Sophie flipped the bird to Toots before she and Mavis, leading Coco on her leash, followed Amala to a door located in the rear of the building. “My father, Dr. Sameer, enjoys having his cigars out here.” She gestured to a beautiful courtyard of sorts. Stone benches beneath a vaulted ceiling made of marble did indeed make it seem like a room. The area looked like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. Lush, colorful flowers in giant urns, palm trees as high as the clouds, and verdant shrubbery created a calm, relaxing atmosphere.
“I’m almost afraid to light up out here,” Sophie said.
“Over here.” Amala motioned for her to follow. “You place ashes and discard your cigar or cigarette inside this urn.”
Sophie eyed the urn with a smidgen of alarm. It looked like it held ashes all right, but not the kind that came from tobacco. More like human cremains, in her opinion the worst word anyone had ever invented. For a split second, Sophie had doubts about Dr. Sameer. Maybe he torched his patients and disposed of their ashes while taking a quick smoke break. Amala left her alone, saying she had to return to a patient.
“Oh…sure, that’s why we’re here.” Sophie waited until Amala was inside before lighting up.
Mavis and Coco waddled along outside, keeping their distance. “Sophie, I wish you would stop smoking. I hate to see what it does to you. You are so dependent on those things. You could have waited.” This last was said in such an accusing tone, Sophie felt ashamed. She should have waited.
“Isn’t that kind of like the pot calling the kettle black?” Sophie shot back, then wished she had kept quiet. At least Mavis was trying and sticking to her diet. She made a mental note to quit smoking the first of the year. A wonderful New Year’s resolution. Ha!
Mavis put Coco down, and the little Chihuahua proceeded to pee all over the sidewalk. “You’re right it is, but at least I’m trying to do something about it. That’s more than I can say for you and Toots. I don’t mean to come off as an old stick-in-the-mud, but it is a nasty habit, and you know it. You can’t smoke anywhere in public anymore, so that should tell you something. And your fingers are turning yellow from the nicotine, and so are your teeth.”
“I know it’s nasty, and I might quit someday, but not now. I enjoy it too much to give it up. I might make it my New Year’s resolution.” There, that was a verbal confirmation that she was seriously considering giving up the terrible habit.
Toots barreled through the door, digging inside her purse for a cigarette the second she stepped outside. She lit up, then walked over and sat down beside Sophie.
“The doctor just took Ida into his office. If he can’t help her, or if Ida refuses the help, I think we better prepare to commit ourselves—maybe really commit ourselves if this keeps up. That scene at the hotel wore me out.”
“Yeah, I hear you. I’m not going to pamper her ass anymore,” Sophie said.
“Try and be nice to her,” Mavis pleaded.
Toots glanced over at Sophie to see her reaction.
All three women burst out laughing at the same time.
Chapter 23
An hour later, Dr. Sameer and Toots escorted Ida to the waiting limo, Sophie and Mavis trailing behind. “The doctor said this is going to be much easier to cure than you think. He really wants you to take the medication, says it will speed up the healing process, sort of a boost type of thing. I know how you feel about taking medication, but you have to try, Ida. At the risk of repeating myself, this is no way to live.”
“I know, Teresa. I’m just so afraid,” Ida said. “I’ll take the medication if you think I should.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think, it’s what the doctor thinks that matters. I told you, the man is the best in his field. If it was me, I’d move heaven and earth to get my old life back, but it’s all up to you, Ida. I did my share. You’re on your own now. In other words, girlfriend, this is where the rubber meets the road.” Toots stood aside while the driver opened the door.
Careful not to touch anything, Ida, tears dripping down her cheeks, slipped inside the limo. Toots followed, then Sophie and Mavis. Coco curled up on her mistress’s lap.
They were barely out of the parking lot before Sophie made an announcement. “Ida, listen, I owe you an apology for the way I spoke to you earlier. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’ve been down a few unpleasant roads myself, so I just want you to know that you will get well. I have a lot of faith in you. Bad times don’t last forever. Right, Toots?”
Toots knew Sophie referred to the many years of abuse she’d suffered. She shrugged.
Ida smiled, a genuine smile. “Thank you for saying that.”
“I’m not the ogre I make myself out to be at times.” Sophie grinned. “But sometimes, Ida, like now, you irritate the shit out of me. Toots is right, you need to get with the program here.”
“Bullshit, you’re worse,” Toots quipped.
“Now, girls, that will be enough of that,” Mavis chastised in a loud, firm voice. “Oh, goodness, I sounded just like Sister Mary Elizabeth, didn’t I?”
Sister Mary Elizabeth was the meanest nun in the whole world, or so they’d thought their freshman year.
“No one sounds like Sister Mary Elizabeth. I really hated her. I wonder what happened to her?” Toots asked.
“I used to think she’d scare the devil right out of hell. I’m sure she’s dead and gone by now. Remember how she used to tell us men, not money, were the root of all evil? I think she might have been onto something even back then. She had to be at least a hundred and ten when we were in high school.” Sophie cackled.
They all laughed, Ida included.
“We sure do have some great memories,” Mavis said.
“Some of us don’t. Remember the prom, Ida? When you were chosen prom queen?”
Ida laughed, actually laughed. “I do, and I don’t want to be reminded of it. It was the worst day of my life.”
“That can’t be. You said when Toots snatched Jerry away from you, that was the worst day of your life.”
“Sophie, zip it up! I swear you are the biggest troublemaker I’ve ever seen. Do you get some kind of sick delight out of tormenting us? Now be quiet and let’s enjoy the scenery. I’m tired of arguing with you,” Toots said in a tone that meant it was final and there would be no more talk of Ida’s night at the prom.
“Well, excuse me, Your Royal Highness. Leave it to you to rain on my parade,” Sophie shot back.
Toots’s cell phone rang, saving her from further discussion. She pulled the little black square out of her clutch
bag. “Hello. Abby! Of course, we’d love to. Hang on a minute.” Toots looked over at Ida. “Ida, are you up to taking a tour of The Informer?”
Toots saw fear rearrange Ida’s perfectly defined features. “No, no. I’m not ready for that yet, but tell Abby I will someday.”
“Toots, do you think I can bring Coco with us? I would hate to leave her at the bungalow. She gets so lonely.”
“Abby, Ida isn’t feeling up to a tour just now. But Mavis wants to know if it’s all right if she brings Coco along.”
“Absolutely. Chester is in my office as we speak. This will give the two of them a chance to get acquainted.”
“Then we’ll be there as soon as we drop Ida off at the hotel. I’m so excited, Abby, you know how much I love your tabloid!”
“Yes, I do. I’ll see you in about an hour, then,” Abby said. “Ask your driver if he knows where we’re located.”
“Of course, hold on.” More muffled sounds. “Yes, he says everyone in LA knows where The Informer is. I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay, Mom. Bye.”
Toots put the phone back inside her purse.
Abby hit the END button on the phone.
Since she now had time to kill before her guests arrived, Abby decided to go back online. She did a few searches, hoping something new would appear on the sale of the paper. When nothing new came up, she used her cell phone to call Rag for the hundredth time. This definitely wasn’t normal. While Rag was a bona fide jerk, it wasn’t like him not to let anyone know he wasn’t coming into the office. Even on the days when he was suffering from a hangover and his weekend jaunts to Vegas, he always called with some kind of cockamamie excuse. For the umpteenth time, she got his voice mail and left another message that was unlike any message she’d ever left before: “This is Abby. Look, dammit, if you’re going to skip out, you need to let one of us know. I hope to hell you didn’t spend the payroll yesterday because this is the week we’re supposed to get paid. Call me as soon as you get this message.” Abby tossed the phone on top of her desk. Maybe she should take a ride to Rag’s apartment, just to make sure he was alive. It was entirely possible that he could have fallen, especially given the fact that he drank so much.
The Scoop Page 15
