Generation F

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Generation F Page 31

by Molly MacDermot


  Point A to Z; a map of me

  SHANAI WILLIAMS

  This piece is representative of me connecting the dots and reflecting on how my memories, my parents, and the impact they unknowingly leave on me affects, and will continue to affect, my life.

  I am the by-product of a funny set of people.

  I’m like my mother in the way that

  I am in constant crisis;

  “I didn’t grow up with a family dynamic, so I don’t know how to be any other way.”

  When the world is calm

  We’re the storm watch centers

  On high alert

  Because every calm we’ve ever encountered

  Is the prerequisite to a storm;

  I’m like my father in the way that

  I am able to thrive in the aftermath.

  “Make sure you keep an eye on your sister.”

  When everyone else is in panic

  We’re the lighthearted laughter

  That reminds the world

  That things are only as bad as you let them be,

  That there is a lesson in every trauma.

  “Hey, Mom, so I know it’s early, 5:00 a.m., in fact, and you’re at work, but I’ve been wanting to tell you something . . .

  “It’s nothing crazy—”

  “What is it?”

  “I have a girlfriend.”

  . . .

  “I think you’re just desperate for attention.”

  I never believed my mother and I could be anything alike

  She didn’t laugh like me

  Or make jokes similarly

  People said we looked alike

  But I couldn’t disagree more

  Until I saw that she struggled too

  With finding a home in others,

  Did I realize we

  Were more alike than I had chosen to see

  At her lowest point

  She is like me

  I have been trying to explain the same dilemma

  To multiple humans

  In hopes of finding one

  Who could just

  Understand . . .

  “Aren’t I a good person? So why don’t people stay? Is this what I deserve?”

  And as my mother’s voice cracked

  Trying to express

  The same pain

  “They don’t ask because they care, they ask because they want to know my business. I’m not stupid, because when I do trust them the one time I need them they aren’t there.”

  I knew she was me.

  I knew people saw what I wouldn’t see.

  “I swear looking in his eyes was the worst, he could make you cry on the spot even if he’d been telling you how beautiful you were.”

  I never believed I’d been living with my father my whole life

  He wasn’t understanding

  He never paid much attention

  My sister told me I could trust him

  But I couldn’t disagree more

  Until I found myself telling my little sister the same thing

  When she was struggling

  I realized when I was battling internal conflict

  My father was the beach that I could escape to

  At my lowest point

  He is my peace.

  The first sign was the rustling in the living room. I’d stare into the darkness toward my bedroom door, expectantly. Then, there was his distinct cough, that was my cue to jump out of bed and head to the living room.

  “Hi, Daddy.”

  “Hey, Daughter.”

  I’d watch him awhile, then walk through the kitchen past the shopping cart acting as a laundry hamper and into the hallway by the door. Pick up the black “work boots,” as he’d call them, and retrace my steps back to the couch where he sat with the news now on. He listened to the traffic report as he got up to put on the rest of his uniform, a Jacobi hospital shirt and his black zip-up hoodie.

  I placed the boots beside him, proud that I’d done so before he had time to ask.

  “Thank you, are you going to go back to bed?”

  I’d nod. “After you leave.”

  We’d walk to the door, my small feet following behind the thumps of his seemingly massive ones. He’d stop to reach down to hug my little body and kiss me on the forehead. I’d kiss him back on the cheek.

  And as I held our apartment door open, smiling, he wouldn’t get past the first steps before I bid him parting words,

  “I love you, Daddy.”

  I didn’t see him watching carefully

  As I tried to lick my own wounds

  He knew when to butt in

  More than I could admit

  He understood . . .

  And as my voice cracked

  Failing to express

  My pains

  He spoke to me knowingly.

  He’d always been there for me.

  “It’s amazing the things we forget.”

  I am

  The sun

  Sitting in a cave

  Waiting to be discovered

  By an unsuspecting few.

  “You have become the highlight of my day,”

  The night

  Cascading over mountains

  And valleys

  They all know my presence.

  “I miss seeing you on Saturdays,”

  Like my parents.

  “You look so much alike . . . even your voices sound the same.”

  And although

  My easel

  Has creaky worn-down legs

  And my palette has dull colors

  My canvas?

  Is F R E E of stains

  Smudges or other’s

  Previous marks

  My mind F R E E

  My perspective F R E S H

  I am

  The artist bound

  To take away your breath.

  But what you see

  Is not what you get,

  We are merely numbered dots

  Each point

  Has a connection to the next.

  Connect them all

  And what do you see?

  Point A to Z; a map of me.

  A talk with my mother

  JULIA CARPENTER

  I have thought a lot lately about the interior lives of mothers. When we first met, Shanai and I talked about women of different generations responding to #MeToo. After that, I called my mom to talk.

  My mother grew up in a man’s world.

  When #MeToo hit headlines late last year, I thought about the women I know. Women forced out of jobs or careers. Women who found out the hard way what it was like to work in that world.

  And I thought about my mom. When she was just nineteen, my mother worked at a restaurant where her boss sexually harassed her. One time he tried to push her and a friend into a car to go on a date—in the middle of their waitressing shifts.

  When we talked about it, though, my mother did not call it “harassment” at the time. She had never talked about that boss or thought her experience unusual. She did not even know what the words “sexual harassment” meant.

  “It was not something you even thought about,” she told me. “You did what you were told. Back then, a lot of people felt that if someone complained, it was the woman overreacting.”

  She had never had a conversation with her mother, either.

  My grandmother was one of two women admitted to her medical school in 1949. That is because she was bright and driven, yes—but also because the school only ever opened two spots for female applicants.

  She met my grandfather there, and they had their first big fight when she bought a car—with her own money.

  “I think it quite definitely was a man’s world—if there was a problem, it was because you as a woman did something,” my mom said. “I don’t think it was very often thought that the man had overstepped his line.”

  Even when she graduated, my grandmother only worked part-time in an evening clinic. Her income paid
for children’s school uniforms and camp vacations.

  When I asked her about my mother’s time at the restaurant, and then about her own experiences with sexual harassment, she barely blinked.

  She said something like that had never happened to her.

  “I think harassment happens more nowadays,” she said. I did not press her.

  When I told my mother about that conversation, she rolled her eyes. What had I expected an eighty-nine-year-old grandmother to say?

  “Look at the difference in generation that you and I can talk about this,” my mother said. “I wouldn’t have dreamed of even mentioning it with my mother.”

  But I grew up in a different world.

  KAITLYN YANG

  YEARS AS MENTEE: 1

  GRADE: Freshman

  HIGH SCHOOL: Hunter College High School

  BORN: New York, NY

  LIVES: New York, NY

  PUBLICATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS: 2016 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards: Silver Key; 2017 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards: Gold Key and Honorable Mention; 2018 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards: Gold Key

  MENTEE’S ANECDOTE: In just one year of having been a part of Girls Write Now, I have learned so much about writing and gained so many experiences by being around others who share my passion. Meg and I have shared so many stories, and my experiences have inspired new ideas. Spending time with my mentor and the Girls Write Now community has allowed me to share my work in an open, accepting environment and challenged me to reach my full potential as a writer, creator, and person.

  MEGHANN FOYE

  YEARS AS MENTOR: 1

  OCCUPATION: Writer, Editor, and Author

  BORN: Marblehead, MA

  LIVES: Jersey City, NJ

  PUBLICATIONS AND RECOGNITIONS: I am a regular contributor to women’s lifestyle publications, including Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Brit + Co, SheKnows, StyleCaster, and Refinery29.

  MENTOR’S ANECDOTE: In working with Kaitlyn, my mentee, this past year, we’d start each session off with a five-minute free write, in which we’d download our days, current events, even characters in our lives. Through these free writes, I became acquainted with her world and the unique bravery of her generation in the face of so many challenges. This poem, inspired by our time together, represents the distillation of that courageous force she’s shared with me.

  Raindrops and Coffee

  KAITLYN YANG

  “Raindrops and Coffee” illustrates the relationships between strong, resilient women that surround us. The poem focuses on the importance of supporting one another and cherishing the moments and memories we share.

  Maybe it’s

  because my memory’s been slipping or

  because I’ve only heard your voice on a recorded message for a while now but

  I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how you looked

  outside the mirror

  the photographs

  that filled the scrapbooks we made during the day you got off from school

  are still filed in the cabinet

  beneath the bookcase

  in the den

  even without creaking down the stairs to

  flip through the now-faded pages I can remember

  the pittering-pattering against the windows and

  you sneaking sips from the chipped green mug you made me for my birthday but

  scrunching your face at the bitter taste though it was

  a creamy light brown with milk and sugar

  your smile with

  the two front teeth slightly crooked beamed happiness

  bouncing in your seat at the wooden dining table in

  your favorite sneakers

  navy worn into gray and a big toe threatening to poke out

  proof of a hard-won race from

  the edge of the schoolyard to

  your classroom

  your leggings torn at the knee

  were another clue

  the shadows

  that danced along your cheek from a growing number of flickering dripping candles on your cake

  looked to have gotten darker

  and deeper each year like

  layers of unhealed bruises

  even without squinting my eyes to

  see beyond the camera’s flash I can remember

  the pittering-pattering against the windows and

  you brewing another pot of strong black coffee in the machine we bought at the flea market but

  wincing as you poured a cup and dribbled some onto your fingers even though it was

  the second time your shaking hands did it this morning

  might be easier if you kept your heavy eyelids open

  even though the overhead lights that dimmed until they disappeared with a fizz

  may be to blame

  and the reflection

  in the murky puddle on edge of the cement path

  that shattered and splashed from scrambling tires to

  your stockings as you waited for the light to change

  lasted only a moment but

  even without running my finger over the scars

  from pinching myself with the needle I can remember

  the pittering-pattering against the windows and

  you throwing open the door in tears and

  crashing into your seat even though the stuffing of the cushion was already climbing out

  shaking the table with a pile of books under the shortest leg

  that chipped off after we balanced on it to change the lightbulbs

  I didn’t say a word but

  handed you a cup of coffee

  with a little sugar

  you needed something sweet

  you took the cup

  downed it and

  fell asleep at the table

  the thread fought against slipping into the eye but

  I stitched your stocking up

  and the wait

  by the bus stop

  covered in a black umbrella

  purchased after you read that

  black is metropolitan in a magazine

  hair straightened just that morning but

  already curling up at the edges

  when the bus pulled up by the curb

  you stepped inside

  shaking out your umbrella

  handing the driver

  crisp birthday money

  removed from its neat folding in your wallet

  you found a seat by the front

  and waved to me but

  by the time I waved back

  the bus was no more than a cloud of smoke and

  the rain stopped me

  from running after you

  and I can see the picture

  of your face staring out the foggy glass window

  of the café

  so clearly in my mind

  content to sip your black coffee

  beside strangers and

  go home to silence

  fingerprint-covered tortoiseshell glasses pushed up

  on your nose

  a closed umbrella rested on the

  chair beside you

  dripping onto the

  black and white tiles

  nervous but feeling safe

  behind a mirage

  and the hope

  that shone from your face to a reflection off a tall building

  drew a halo around your head

  that only I could see

  chic mug in hand

  swirling around your drink

  in a practiced manner

  studied the women sitting next to you in the café

  teetering on bright red pumps

  and slipping on the wet pavement

  feet aching but smile in place

  in your precious city it’s just

  have a seat

  tell me about yourself

  goodbye

  you trudge out

  shoulders slumped

  tears hidden behind tortoiseshell gla
sses

  you wrestle your umbrella open

  the black one you brought with you on the bus

  now torn but

  bills to be paid and

  there’s not enough to buy a new one

  then the wind blows and

  flips it inside out

  you drop onto the sidewalk and cry

  I hope you can feel my hand

  patting your shoulder

  and pulling you up

  for a hug

  maybe one day

  I will see you again and

  perhaps you’ll happen to be standing before me in line

  I’ll order coffee sweetened with milk and sugar while

  you get yours black or

  maybe you’ll decide to catch a bus ride home and

  surprise me with a visit

  I might not recognize you at first

  haven’t seen you outside the mirror for a while

  but I hope that we’ll learn to remember each other

  over raindrops and coffee.

  One Two Z

  MEGHANN FOYE

  “One Two Z” encapsulates a conversation between the generations. It highlights the ways the young can often remind us to remove our blinders and see all the possibilities.

  She comes in quietly

  Beyond her fourteen years, an equanimity

  She pushes her multicolored strands into a high messy bun

  She sits, open to new ideas, open to feedback, open to wisdom

  But she doesn’t realize, her example contains it

  A woman of forty, her low messy bun now gray

  looking back and wondering

  Why she waited, waited so long

  To free her own voice, hear her own song

  Her voice was always there, whisper-screaming the words

  No, no, no, NO

  The ones she never learned to say

  The girl wields her pen, her pad, her shining confidence

  Brave and bold, she names her emotions, her thoughts, her fears

  One, two, three

  The darkness only contains stars and dazzling galactic winds

  It’s just as bright with the moon

  As the day that comes with the sun

  Why not see what’s there

  She asks

  But wait, but wait

 

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