Without Sin

by Margaret Dickinson

  Meg marched through the dormitory and out of the door at the far end, then ran lightly down the stairs. She paused for a moment outside the master’s office, wondering if she dared to let him know that the child was not as bad as she had made out and that Louisa Daley was free.

  But then she rejected the idea. It would only mean that she had to remain with the children and she didn’t want to do that. She wanted to avoid having to see Louisa Daley any more than she was forced.

  ‘Oh, Dad,’ she murmured aloud, ‘please come back for us soon and take us away from this place.’

  Sarah’s recovery was slow and made more so by the fact that she was sunk in misery and despair. Each day for the following week, flouting the rules, Meg visited her mother in the infirmary.

  ‘I so wanted this baby,’ Sarah whispered to Meg. ‘I know it’s an awful place for a child to be born, but – but I wanted something to remember your daddy by.’

  Meg leant closer. ‘What do you mean, Mam? You make it sound as if Dad isn’t coming back.’

  Sarah plucked nervously at the rough blanket covering her, her eyes downcast.

  ‘Mam?’ Meg prompted, but still her mother did not answer. She closed her eyes and lay back against the hard, lumpy pillow and sighed.

  Meg went on. ‘I’m sorry, Mam, but I’ll have to go. I’m working in the gardens today.’ True to her word, she had refused to enter the school room again. The morning after her quarrel with Louisa, she had marched boldly to the master’s office and rapped sharply on the door.

  ‘Come in, come in,’ his voice had boomed and Meg opened the door and stepped up to his desk. Standing before him, she felt no fear; she was still smarting with anger from Louisa’s unfair accusation.

  ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ she began with her most winning smile. She crossed her fingers behind her back at the lie she was about to tell, ‘but I don’t think I’m suited to teaching. I haven’t got Miss Daley’s patience.’ That part, at least, was true. ‘I think I’m better suited to working in the kitchens or even outside, sir. It’s what I’m used to.’

  Isaac frowned. ‘Oh? And what makes you think you can pick and choose what job you do here? If I say you’ll help in the school room, then help in the school room you will.’

  Meg lowered her head so that he would not see the flash of anger in her green eyes. ‘Yes, sir,’ she said meekly. She waited, holding her breath. She risked glancing at him through her long eyelashes. He was regarding her thoughtfully. His chair creaked as he leant back in it and laced his fingers across his paunch.

  His tone was deceptively mild as he asked, ‘Have you displeased Miss Daley? The truth now, girl, because I can ask her, you know. And she –’ he paused as if savouring the thought of the schoolmistress – ‘will tell me.’

  Quickly, as if the very idea appalled her, Meg said, ‘Oh, I do hope not, sir. She’s a lovely lady and I wouldn’t want to upset her.’ Meg was shocked by how easily the lies slipped from her lips. She had always prided herself on being truthful and honest, but if she were to be branded as no better than a thief and a liar just because her family had hit hard times, then . . .

  Isaac smiled. ‘I’m glad you think so, my dear. She is indeed a wonderful, wonderful young woman.’ He ran his tongue around his lips. ‘Then what is it?’

  ‘It was last night, sir. When she – when you and she – when I was left alone with the children, specially with little Betsy, who was so sick. I – I was frightened of doing something wrong. Of – of displeasing you.’

  ‘But help wasn’t far away.’ A hint of sarcasm entered his tone. ‘As you so ably proved.’

  ‘I know and I’m very sorry for spoiling your evening, sir. I should’ve fetched the matron, but being new here I didn’t know what was the right thing to do and – and Miss Daley’d said that she was responsible for the children.’ Meg babbled on, her fingers still tightly crossed, praying that the master would not question Louisa Daley about what had happened and why the new girl now didn’t want the best job in the place but would rather scrub floors on her knees or work outside in all weathers. ‘And besides,’ Meg ended, ‘I really don’t think I’m clever enough.’

  ‘Oh well.’ Isaac shrugged his huge shoulders. ‘In that case the guardians would have been unlikely to give their consent to the arrangement. So, we’d better find you something else to do, hadn’t we?’

  Now Meg explained to her mother. ‘There’s three of us girls they’ve let go into the gardens to do the weeding. I’ve been doing nothing but scrub floors and stone steps all week and it’s been so good to be outdoors again today. The men and the boys do the heavy digging and the planting. Mind you, I could do the digging if they’d let me. Do you remember, Mam, how me and Miss Alice used to look after their vegetable patch?’ The words were out before she had stopped to think.

  Sarah gave a sob and turned her face away, burying it in the pillow.

  ‘Mam – Mam – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.’ Meg’s voice faltered. ‘I shouldn’t have reminded you of the times when we were happy.’ She touched her mother’s shaking shoulder, castigating herself for her thoughtlessness. ‘But we’ll be happy again, Mam. I know we will. When Dad comes back . . .’

  Her mother’s sobs grew louder. The door opened and Miss Pendleton bustled in. ‘Now, now, we can’t have this. Have you been upsetting your mam, Kirkland? What have you been saying to her?’

  Meg’s expression was all innocence. ‘I was just telling her I was working in the garden.’

  ‘Ah yes.’ Miss Pendleton pursed her lips. ‘I don’t approve of my brother making you young girls work out of doors. There’s plenty of indoor work for you women.’ She sniffed. ‘But of course I have no say in the matter. But just you mind you keep your distance from the men because Isaac watches from the windows of his room.’ She wagged her finger at Meg. ‘He’ll know if you get up to any shenanigans.’ There was suddenly a strange, bitter note in her voice. ‘Oh yes, he’ll know, all right.’

  Meg stood up and eased her aching back. The patch of earth near her feet was clear, though the other two girls were still squatting down, tearing weeds from the ground.

  ‘That’s my bit done ready for the men. I’ll tell ’em, shall I?’ Meg tossed her head towards where a man and a youth were pointing some of the brickwork in the wall. The youth was Jake.

  Mary, one of the other girls, stood up. ‘You’ll get into trouble,’ she warned as she glanced nervously towards the windows. ‘He’ll be watching.’

  ‘Not if he’s in his office on the ground floor. He can’t see us from there,’ Meg said reasonably.

  Mary was still nervous. ‘Yeah, but you don’t know he’s in his office, do you? He could be in his bedroom. He can see everything from up there.’

  Meg gazed up at the first-floor windows in the centre of the building, where she knew the master’s bedroom to be. ‘Can’t see him.’

  ‘Huh,’ Mary said scathingly as she picked up her bucket of weeds. ‘He’ll not let you see him, you daft ’aporth. He’ll stand well back, but he’ll be up there. You mark my words. Come on, Kitty, ’ave yer finished? If madam here’s going to get ’erself into trouble, I’m off. I don’t want to be part of it.’

  As the two girls walked away, Meg hid behind the trunk of a tree and beneath its branches. She peered up at the building. If I can’t see him, she thought with a grin, then he can’t see me.

  ‘Jake,’ she called softly. ‘Jake!’

  He looked round from where he was kneeling down, smoothing cement into cracks in the wall. She watched him searching for the owner of the voice, but he could not see her behind the tree trunk. Keeping a careful watch on the windows, Meg took a step from her hiding place. ‘Jake,’ she called again. ‘Over here.’

  Beneath the wall he, too, was hidden, but if he once stepped away from its shelter he could easily be seen from the second floor of the building.

  She saw his quick grin as he got to his feet and moved to the end of the wall. Then he ran sw
iftly to the first tree and, like her, hid behind its trunk. Then he dodged from tree to tree until he was standing a few feet away from her. They each remained hidden behind a trunk, but they could talk.

  ‘Jake, I’m so sorry about what happened before.’

  He shrugged and grinned at her. ‘Don’t matter. I’ve ’ad plenty of beatings off of him in mi time. One more meks no difference.’

  ‘Mebbe so,’ she countered. ‘But I don’t like being the cause of you getting another.’

  ‘Forget it. I have.’ Then he smiled ruefully, ‘ ’Cept I’ve still got the stripes across mi backside.’

  She grimaced in sympathy, then added, ‘I just wanted to tell you that I’m getting out of here as soon as I can. I’m going to look for my dad.’

  ‘You’ll have to ask permission from the master,’ Jake said. ‘Do you think he’ll let you go?’

  Meg’s face was grimly determined. ‘He’d better ’cos I’m going whether he likes it or not!’

  The boy looked envious for a moment. ‘Wish I could get out of here an’ all.’

  ‘Well, why don’t you? Why don’t you come with me?’

  He stared at her for a moment before a huge grin spread across his thin face. ‘D’you know, I reckon I just might at that.’

  Ten

  ‘You go and ask him first,’ Jake said.

  ‘Getting cold feet?’ Meg teased. It had taken them both a few days to pluck up courage to face the master.

  ‘No.’ His answer was swift. Too swift, for he avoided meeting her gaze. Meg realized it was a big step for the boy, who had never been beyond the workhouse walls.

  ‘Look,’ Meg said, serious now. ‘I won’t think any the worse of you if you do change your mind—’

  ‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘I’m coming with you. It’s time I got out of here. Don’t know why I haven’t done it before.’

  Meg grinned. ‘ ’Cos you needed someone like me to give you a push, that’s why.’

  Soberly, Jake nodded. ‘You could be right, at that.’

  ‘I’m surprised they haven’t sent you out before now. How old are you?’

  ‘Sixteen.’

  ‘Then why haven’t they found work for you in the town?’

  Jake shrugged then joked, ‘ ’Spect the matron wouldn’t let them send her precious boy away.’

  Meg laughed. ‘Is that what she calls you? Her precious boy?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He looked embarrassed for a moment and then added, ‘But she makes a fuss of all the little boys – not just me.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re special to her, though, if you’ve been here all your life.’

  ‘Suppose so.’ There was a pause before he added, ‘Well? Are you going to ask him or what?’

  ‘Please,’ Meg began as she stood before Isaac Pendleton’s desk, adopting what she hoped was her most winning smile, ‘may I have your permission to leave the workhouse on Saturday?’

  ‘Why?’ Isaac’s tone was not encouraging.

  ‘I want to find my dad and tell him about Mam. I want to see if he’s found work yet and I want him to come and see her. He can come to see her, can’t he?’

  Isaac leant his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers together. ‘We allow visits on Sunday afternoons, but under supervision in the committee room and only for one hour.’

  Meg’s instinct was to protest, but she nodded sensibly. ‘I understand.’

  Isaac appeared to be thinking. ‘As long as you’re not thinking of trying to remove your mother. She’s still rather poorly and needs to rest.’

  Meg shook her head. ‘Oh no. Matron and the doctor are being very kind to her. It’s just – just that I think my dad ought to know and – and about the baby.’

  Isaac cleared his throat. ‘Well – er – yes. Very well then, but you must be back here by six o’clock. Is that understood?’

  ‘Oh yes, sir. Thank you, sir.’

  Jake was not so fortunate in his request. ‘Oh no, boy,’ the master said at once. ‘You’re not going anywhere. At least, not –’ he frowned as he added – ‘on the same day as young Meg Kirkland.’ He gave a hearty laugh, but somehow there was no humour in the sound. ‘Think I don’t know what the two of you are up to?’

  Jake tried to adopt an innocent expression, but realizing he was failing he decided to be truthful. ‘Yes, sir, I admit I did want to go the same day as M—’. He corrected himself quickly. ‘Kirkland – because I thought she’d be able to help me. I’ve never been outside, sir, and – well – I wouldn’t know how to go on.’

  The big man moved towards Jake, who held his breath, half-expecting a clout around the ears. But Isaac put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. ‘We haven’t always seen eye to eye, Bosley, but it might surprise you to know that actually I admire your spirit. I’ve felt it my duty to see that you were brought up properly. I’ve tried to be – well – a father figure for you.’ He paused, as if expecting Jake to assure him that he had indeed been like a father and that he, Jake, would be eternally grateful. But no such words of appreciation were forthcoming from the boy. Jake could not imagine that a real father – however strict and stern – would have given him the beatings and sent him to the punishment cell with the same frequency that Isaac Pendleton had done.

  ‘We would miss you if you left, especially,’ Isaac added with emphasis, ‘the matron. She has always – er – been good to you, hasn’t she?’ Now Jake was able to say with sincerity, ‘Oh yes, sir, yes, she has,’ for Letitia had been just what he imagined a mother would be. But Jake’s heart sank. Was he expected to stay here the whole of his life?

  Isaac cleared his throat. ‘Of course the day will come when you must go out into the world and earn your own living. That day is not far away. Indeed, the guardians were only recently discussing the cases of several boys and girls of your age who really should no longer be a burden on the parish. You are fit and healthy and able to do a man’s work now. Our only problem is – finding suitable employment for you.’ He tapped the side of his nose. ‘But never fear, Bosley, that is in hand at this very moment.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ Jake’s voice was hoarse. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He wanted to leave, oh, how he wanted to leave the workhouse and yet he didn’t know what sort of a life awaited him beyond its walls.

  Tentatively, he tried again. ‘But don’t you think, sir, that you could see your way clear to let me go out with Kirkland? Just for a day. Just to get the feel of – of what it’s like out there.’

  Isaac frowned. ‘It wouldn’t be right to let you go with a girl, Bosley. And especially, not with her. Not after what I witnessed the other day. Oh no. I couldn’t trust you. Either of you. No, I’m sorry. The answer is “no”.’

  Later Jake told Meg. Her response shocked him. ‘Then why don’t you just come with me? Run away?’

  ‘Where would we go?’

  Meg thought a minute. ‘We could go back to the farm where we used to live. Miss Alice would help me.’ She bit her lip, unsure for a moment. Part of her did not want to think badly of her former friend. ‘I still don’t think she had anything to do with us being thrown out. I reckon it was her mam – or her dad. Not Alice.’

  ‘Well, there’s one way for you to find out,’ Jake said.

  Meg nodded solemnly. ‘I intend to.’

  ‘So, when are we going then?’

  Meg’s eyes shone. ‘You’ll do it? You’ll come.’

  Jake nodded. ‘Even if we have to come back at night, I reckon it’ll be worth a beating.’

  ‘Saturday,’ Meg said firmly. ‘There’s a race meeting this Saturday and I’ll bet anything that’s where my dad will be.’

  ‘Why?’

  Patiently, Meg explained. ‘Mi dad worked with horses – farm horses, of course – but Mr Smallwood often used to take mi dad with him to the races. The mester was a great one for the races. Dad used to say that Mr Smallwood wanted to buy a racehorse, but that the missis wouldn’t let him. Anyway, Dad got to know a lot of the farmers who li
ked going to the meetings. He knew one or two of the racehorse owners, an’ all. I reckon that’s where he’ll be trying to find work.’

  Jake’s eyes shone. ‘I wouldn’t mind working with ’osses.’

  ‘There you are then,’ Meg said triumphantly. ‘We’ll go to the races on Saturday.’

  Jake grinned. ‘I say, don’t it sound grand?’

  Meg thought it best not to tell either her mother or Bobbie what she intended to do. Bobbie might cry and make a fuss and beg to be taken too and Sarah would more than likely forbid her to go.

  Very early on the Saturday morning, before it was even light and before anyone else was about, Meg crept out of the women’s dormitory. Carrying her clothes, she slipped like a wraith down the stone stairs in her bare feet and into the tiny room where the washing benches were. Shivering, she splashed her face and hands with cold water and dressed quickly. Then she ran silently across the exercise yard at the front of the building to the privies at the far corner. When she had finished she crept along the wall to the door leading out into the gardens and the orchard. She held her breath a moment, fearing that it might be locked against her, but it opened with a creak. Meg glanced back at the windows of the building. No face – that she could see in this light – appeared and no light glowed. The inmates, the staff, and even the master were all still in their beds.

  Carefully, she pulled the door shut behind her and narrowed her eyes, squinting through the poor light to see if Jake had yet appeared from the men’s yard. The door from which Meg had emerged was at the end of the wall nearest to the path running down at the side of the orchard and leading out onto the main road into the town. Jake would come out of one of the doors furthest away from the path. She was about to move stealthily along the wall when a sound behind her made her jump.

  ‘Psst. I’m here.’ Jake hissed and Meg turned to see him peeping round the corner of the wall.

  She went to him. ‘You ready?’

  ‘Ready as I’ll ever be, but I reckon I’ll be in trouble tonight. I’ll’ve missed roll-call. I’ve got one of the lads to answer for me, but if he’s spotted, he’ll get a thrashing an’ all.’