Without Sin

by Margaret Dickinson

  She launched herself at her father and pummelled his chest, crying and shrieking. ‘How could you? How could you do this? And with her? Of all people, with her!’

  Reuben caught hold of her flailing fists and tried to hold her, but her rage lent her strength and now Meg turned upon Alice. She grabbed the girl’s hair and yanked it from its pins as if she would wrench it from her head.

  ‘You slut! You trollop, you – you—’ The vulgar names tumbled from her mouth until there was a small crowd gathering around them. Alice retaliated with a few punches of her own, one catching Meg on the mouth and drawing blood from her lip. At last Reuben pulled his daughter away from Alice, who was now crying and trembling.

  Jake did nothing. He certainly wasn’t going to help the man. If he’d done anything, he would have waded in beside Meg, but she seemed to be doing very nicely, thank you, on her own. If the scene had not been so obviously traumatic for Meg, it was comical. In fact, several uninvolved onlookers were laughing.

  ‘Better than a peep show, this is,’ Jake heard one remark.

  ‘Aye, I like to see two women having a scrap,’ another agreed. ‘Much more fun than fellers.’

  Holding the panting women apart, Reuben glanced about him. ‘Show’s over, folks,’ he said grimly. ‘Come on, let’s go somewhere quieter where we can talk.’

  ‘Talk?’ Meg screamed. ‘Talk? What is there to talk about? I see it all now. No wonder me poor mam seemed so – so defeated. All her spirit gone. She must have known and I thought it was just ’cos she was expecting an’ . . .’ A bitter smile came to Meg’s mouth as she added sarcastically, ‘Oh, and by the way she had the bairn. But you’ll be pleased to know it was born dead.’

  Reuben had the grace to wince. ‘I never wished that on her, Meggie.’

  ‘Don’t call me that,’ Meg spat at him. Angry tears filled her eyes and there was a catch in her voice as she added, ‘Don’t ever call me that again.’

  Reuben’s eyes were anguished. ‘Meg, please try to understand. Alice and I fell in love. We – we have to be together.’

  ‘That’s why you got the sack, isn’t it? Because of her?’

  Seeing she was a little calmer now, Reuben relaxed his hold on his daughter and put his arms around Alice. Seeing his action, Meg felt sick. Alice clung to him, her blue eyes full of tears and her hair wild and fluffy about her face.

  ‘They found out, Alice’s mam and dad,’ Reuben said.

  ‘And so they threw us all out,’ Meg added bitterly.

  ‘And me.’ Alice spoke up for the first time. ‘They threw me out an’ all.’

  ‘My heart bleeds for you,’ Meg fired back. For a moment she closed her eyes and shook her head, still hardly able to grasp the truth. ‘I thought you were my friend, Alice. How could you do this to me? To all my family? To my mam and to little Bobbie? How could you stand by and see us put in the workhouse? You were my one hope. It was really you I came looking for today. I thought if there was anyone who would try to help us, it’d be you.’

  ‘Like your dad says, we fell in love. I love your dad and he loves me and we want to be together, no matter what.’

  Slowly Meg nodded. ‘No matter who gets hurt, eh? You don’t care about anybody but yourselves, do you? Well, I hope you rot in hell, the pair of you.’

  Rage carried her through, held her up whilst she turned her back on them and marched away. With one last glance at them, Jake turned and followed Meg.

  It wasn’t until they had reached and crawled through the hole in the fence that Meg sat on the ground. She drew her knees up, wrapped her arms around them and dropped her head, hiding her face against her skirt. Her shoulders heaved with racking sobs.

  Jake could think of nothing to say so he sat beside her and put his arms about her. They stayed like that until Meg’s weeping subsided. At last she raised her face, ravaged by tears, and whispered, ‘I’ll never trust anyone ever again.’

  A little later, Meg, calmer now, said, ‘We might as well go back. There’s nothing else to stay out here for.’

  ‘Suppose not,’ Jake agreed reluctantly. ‘But I was enjoying miself. At least,’ he added swiftly, ‘I was until that happened.’

  Meg tried to smile, but it was a feeble effort. At this moment she felt as if she would never smile properly again.

  ‘Come on then,’ Jake said, scrambling up. ‘If we can sneak back in before dinner time, we just might get away with it.’

  ‘I needn’t sneak in. I had permission,’ she reminded him.

  Jake wrinkled his brow thoughtfully. ‘Tell you what, I’ll go in through the hole in the hedge into the orchard and start working there.’ He grinned swiftly at her. ‘You’re not the only one who knows about holes in things to get in and out.’

  There was no answering smile from Meg, but she did ask, ‘I thought you said you’d never been out before?’

  ‘I haven’t, but I know a few who have.’ He paused and then asked, ‘Do – do you think you could leave it a bit before you come back in? Just – just so it doesn’t look as if we’ve been out together. If I have been missed, then—’

  ‘Course I will. I don’t want you to get another thrashing. I feel bad enough about the one you did get.’

  ‘Don’t.’ Jake grinned and squeezed her arm. ‘You’ve got more than enough to worry about without thinking about me.’ He bit his lip and looked at her uncertainly, then away.

  ‘What?’ she asked, realizing that there was still something on his mind.

  ‘Look, Meg, would you mind . . . ? I mean, while we’ve been sitting here, I’ve been thinking—’

  ‘While I’ve been making a complete fool of miself,’ she said bitterly.

  ‘No.’ Jake’s tone was gentle. ‘You haven’t made a fool of yourself. You could never do that. Not to me.’ He pulled her close and for a moment she rested her head against his shoulder.

  ‘Good job old Pendleton can’t see us now,’ Jake murmured as he bent his head. With the awkwardness of youth and the clumsiness of the first time, he kissed her. Startled, Meg drew back and stared at him.

  ‘Sorry,’ Jake mumbled, his face fiery red.

  ‘No.’ Meg took his hand. ‘Don’t say that,’ she whispered. There was an awkward pause between them before Meg prompted, ‘What was it you wanted to ask me?’

  On safer ground, Jake’s embarrassment subsided. ‘I just wondered if you’d mind if I had a talk to Ron when he comes home tonight. See if there’s any jobs going at that farm.’

  ‘Why should I mind?’

  ‘It just seemed – well – a bit unkind to be trying to get a job there when the only reason there might be one going is because you got the sack.’

  Meg’s mouth was tight as she said, ‘Don’t you worry about that, Jake. You go ahead. Don’t bother about me or anybody else. You look out for yourself.’ Her tone was icy as she added, ‘It’s what I’m going to do from now on. Me, miself and I – that’s who I’m going to look after,’ she declared and, as a hasty afterthought, she added, ‘And mi Mam and Bobbie, of course.’

  On her return to the workhouse, Meg worked with a fury. She scrubbed the stone steps of the staircases and the flags of the passageways until her knees were sore and her hands bleeding. Her tears were gone. She refused to cry over her father ever again, but there was a heavy feeling in her chest as if a huge lump was stuck there.

  When she walked into the women’s day room for her supper, she was surprised yet gladdened to see her mother sitting beside the fire. Miss Pendleton was bustling around Sarah, tucking a rug around her knees and handing her some socks.

  ‘We have to do all the mending for the men. Not much use at that sort of thing – men. You’re not fit to do heavy work yet, but you can darn these.’ At that moment, Miss Pendleton caught sight of Meg. ‘And look who’s here. Your girl’s back.’ She raised her voice. ‘Had a nice time out, Kirkland? Did you find yourself a job?’

  Meg bit her lip and shook her head.

  ‘Ah well, not to worry. Tell
you what,’ the woman added as a thought came into her mind, ‘next time you get permission to go out, go into the town to the tailor’s shop. It’s owned by a Mr Rodwell. He’s walking out with a friend of mine – Miss Finch.’ The woman paused and laughed loudly. ‘Mind you, they’ve been engaged for five or six years and there’s still no sign of wedding bells. Anyway, I hear he’s looking for a young woman to work in his shop. He’s started to stock ladies’ underwear and finds a lot of his customers are too embarrassed to be served by a man. Tell him I sent you, Kirkland.’

  Meg tried to smile as she thanked the matron politely.

  Letitia Pendleton nodded. ‘You can sit and talk to your mam for a bit, but,’ she added, handing Meg a pile of socks too, ‘you can make yourself useful while you’re doing it. And now I must see to my little boys.’

  As she began to move away, Sarah looked up with pleading eyes. ‘Matron, how is Bobbie? Please – can I see him?’

  ‘Not today, Kirkland. You’ll see him tomorrow when the chaplain comes to hold the Sunday service in the committee room – your little lad can spend the rest of the afternoon with you.’ Letitia’s eyes softened. ‘He’s a grand little chap. I’ve quite taken to him. Don’t you worry. I’ll look after him.’

  As soon as the woman had left the room, Sarah whispered, ‘Meg, have you seen Bobbie? Is he all right?’

  Meg shook her head. ‘No, Mam, not today. I – I’ve been out.’

  Sarah nodded, ‘Yes, I heard the matron say so. You’ve been looking for work?’

  ‘Well,’ Meg said slowly, ‘not exactly. I – I went looking for Dad.’

  Sarah seemed to slump in her chair and some of the socks slid from her lap. She closed her eyes and gave a low moan. ‘Oh, Meggie, I wish you hadn’t done that.’

  There was silence and Meg bit her lip as she watched the anguish on her mother’s face. Sarah was silent, asking no questions. If she had been in her mother’s place, the questions would have been tumbling out of her mouth. Did you see him? Has he found work? When is he coming back for us? And when – oh, when – can we get out of this place?

  But Sarah asked nothing and sat with her head in her hands. Now Meg was sure. ‘Mam? You knew, didn’t you? You knew about – about her?’ Meg couldn’t even bring herself to speak her former friend’s name, so great was the hurt of Alice’s betrayal.

  Sarah sighed heavily and admitted, ‘Yes, yes, I knew.’

  ‘How long has it been going on?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ve known for about a month, but it must have been going on a lot longer than that.’ She paused and then whispered, ‘Oh, Meggie, I wish you hadn’t found out. Don’t hate him—’

  ‘Don’t hate him?’ Meg’s voice rose and some of the other women looked up, but the girl was oblivious to their curious glances. ‘Oh, I hate him all right. And her. I hate them both. But don’t you worry, Mam. I’ll get a job and I’ll get us out of here. You, me and Bobbie.’

  She jumped up and piled the socks she had been given to darn onto her mother’s lap. ‘I’ll go right now and see the master.’

  ‘Oh, Meg—’ Sarah began, but her daughter was paying no heed.

  She planted a kiss on her mother’s forehead and patted her hand. ‘Don’t worry, Mam. I’ll take care of everything.’

  She turned away and was about to hurry across the room when the door was flung open and the man she sought stood there, filling the frame.

  ‘Good evening, ladies, good evening. And how are we all on this fine night?’

  Feet shuffled and chairs scraped as all the women stood up and chorused, ‘Good evening, Master.’ Even Sarah struggled to her feet, the socks spilling from her knee.

  ‘Sit down, sit down, ladies, do,’ Isaac boomed and glanced around the room. His gaze came to rest on Sarah as she sank back into her chair. Meg bent and retrieved the socks from the floor.

  Isaac pulled up a chair and sat down beside Sarah.

  ‘Sir,’ Meg began, ‘I was just coming to see you. Please – may I have your permission to go out again on Monday?’

  ‘Ah, well now, I don’t know about that. We can’t have you going out too often, Kirkland. Your poor mother needs you here.’ He took hold of Sarah’s hand and held it.

  Meg was sure she heard stifled laughter from the women behind her, but the girl was too intent on her goal to worry about it at the moment. ‘Matron has given me the name of someone who might give me a job.’

  Isaac turned his watery blue eyes on Sarah. ‘What do you say, my dear?’ he asked smoothly, still holding her hand. ‘Shall we let her go, eh?’

  ‘If you please, sir,’ Sarah said softly, ‘I’d be very grateful. Meg is a good girl and is only trying to look after us.’

  Isaac started back, pretending shock. ‘Oh, my dear lady, you wound me deeply. Don’t you think that is what we’re trying to do here? To look after you?’

  Sarah lowered her head and said huskily, ‘Yes, yes, of course, I didn’t mean . . .’

  Isaac patted her hand and laughed. ‘No, no, of course, you didn’t. I was only teasing. Of course, she can go.’

  Despite the turmoil of the day, Meg rewarded the master with her widest smile, which lit up her green eyes and dimpled her cheeks. ‘Thank you, Master.’

  The master gazed at her and, as she dipped a curtsy and moved towards the door, Isaac murmured, ‘By, but she’ll be a beauty one day and no mistake.’

  Hearing him, the girl’s mother shuddered.

  Thirteen

  After supper most of the women, weary from their day’s work, began to drift up to the dormitory.

  ‘I’ll just get some more coal in, Mam,’ Meg said. ‘You go on up. I shan’t be long.’

  Carrying the coal bucket, Meg slipped down the stairs and across the yard towards the coal store. It was the one building in the row that stood between the men’s and women’s yards and was accessible from both. She and Jake had arranged to meet there under cover of darkness.

  ‘There you are.’ His voice came out of the blackness. ‘I thought you weren’t coming.’

  ‘The master came to the day room and then there was supper. I couldn’t get away.’

  ‘Like I told you. He likes the women.’

  ‘He seems to have taken a fancy to me mam. He was sitting beside her, holding her hand.’

  ‘You want to watch him.’

  ‘But I thought he was after Miss Daley.’

  Jake laughed softly. ‘He’s after owt in skirts. But I don’t reckon he’ll get far with the schoolmarm. She’s sweet on the doctor.’

  Meg was thoughtful. ‘Mm. I noticed that.’

  Side by side they shovelled coal.

  ‘Look, we still might get caught meeting here,’ Jake whispered. ‘Next time, let’s meet in the dead room.’

  Meg was startled. ‘The what?’

  ‘It’s a room right at the end of this row of buildings in the men’s yard, where they put the dead ’uns.’ She saw his white, even teeth shining through the gloom as he grinned. ‘There’s only empty coffins in there.’

  Meg shuddered. ‘You sure?’

  ‘Well, not all the time. If someone dies—’

  ‘Ugh!’

  ‘But it’s safe. No one’ll go in there.’

  ‘Don’t blame ’em,’ she muttered, with feeling. She paused and then added, ‘All right then. Anything to save you another thrashing. Did you get into trouble today?’

  ‘No, I was lucky. I slipped into the orchard and started working and nobody seemed to have missed me.’

  ‘Not even Miss Pendleton?’ Meg asked saucily.

  She heard his low chuckle. ‘No, though she did say, “I haven’t seen you all day,” at suppertime. Gave me a right scare. I thought she was going to ask where I’d been. And I can’t lie – specially not to her.’ He leant closer. ‘They reckon the reason she makes such a fuss of the lads is ’cos years ago, when she was a young girl, she had a baby boy.’

  Meg gasped. ‘What? You mean – you mean she wasn’t marr
ied?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘What happened to it?’

  ‘Don’t know. Mebbe it died or was taken away from her. You know, adopted.’

  ‘Or maybe,’ Meg said thoughtfully, ‘it was sent to the workhouse.’

  Jake stared at her through the darkness. ‘I’d never thought of that.’

  ‘So that’s why she loves all the little boys who come in here.’ Meg felt a sudden surge of sympathy for the woman. ‘Poor old Letitia.’

  Jake chuckled softly. ‘Daft name, isn’t it? What parents in their right mind would call their daughter “Letitia”?’

  Meg was defensive. ‘I think it’s quite a pretty name. Besides, Isaac’s not much better.’

  ‘Yeah, but his name does suit him. Look, I’ll have to be off. Don’t want to get caught now, seeing as I got away with mi little expedition into the big wide world.’

  ‘Did you enjoy it?’

  He was solemn now. ‘I would have if it hadn’t been for meeting your dad and you being so upset.’

  ‘Seems mi mam has known about his carryings on for a month or more,’ Meg said bitterly and added incredulously, ‘And she doesn’t seem to blame him.’

  ‘What? Do you mean she doesn’t mind?’

  ‘Oh, she minds all right, but she said to me, “Don’t blame him, Meg.” I can’t understand her. I really can’t. If I was her, I’d want to kill ’em both.’ Beneath her breath she muttered, ‘I felt like it anyway.’

  There was silence between them for a while, the only sounds the scraping of the metal shovels on the stone floor and the tumbling of pieces of coal into the buckets.

  ‘Anyway, I’m going out again on Monday. Miss Pendleton’s given me the name of someone who might give me a job.’

  ‘Well, good luck. Wish I could find one.’

  ‘Have you spoken to Ron yet?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I – I dunno, really.’

  ‘Jake,’ Meg said firmly, ‘just do it.’

  ‘Matron –’ Meg stood before Letitia Pendleton on the Monday morning and adopted her most docile and pleading expression – ‘do you think I could be allowed to wear my own clothes? Just today. The master has given me permission to go and see Mr Rodwell and – and seeing as he’s a friend of yours, or rather a friend of your friend – I do want to be a credit to you.’