I fight to calm my breathing. I fight to get myself under control. I was prepared to defend myself and us, and it wasn’t necessary. I was ready to blow up and fuck her up, fuck this up, and it would have been wrong.
I move to the far side of the living room, and she follows me into the dark space yet keeps to a safe distance. I look out the window onto my balcony and see the city lights.
My voice is low and scratchy when I tell her, “I’m a bad man, Lo. You really need to stay away.” I look over my shoulder and see her take a tentative step closer to me. “No.” I stop her again. “You need to know.” I sigh. “Before we make plans and I tell you all the ways you are not going back to the Bennetts’, I have to face—no, we have to face who I am.” I take a deep breath and tell her, “I am not Ryan Bennett.”
I hear her mutter, “Thank God for that.”
“Lo, I’m serious. I don’t have a father who will care about your well-being. I don’t have a mother who will sit at dinner and smile because she misses you.”
“I don’t care who your parents are,” she says barely above a whisper with hesitation in her tone.
“You should care. You should care that the man you’ve been sleeping with is a monster. You should care that I am the fucked-up son of an even more fucked-up man.”
“Jason, I know about your childhood. I saw.”
I hold up a hand to stop her, refusing to look at her. “I know what you saw, and I don’t want to talk about it. You have to know, Lo, that I’ve done bad things. I’ve hurt a lot of people.”
“But you haven’t hurt me, Jason.”
I shake my head. “I will. I came home tonight, ready for the fight. My instincts were screaming that you were going to push me, and I can’t stand here and tell you I’m so sure I wouldn’t have pushed back. Lo, when I push back, I’m gonna hate myself, and you’re going to hate me, too.”
I feel her move up behind me, and then she wraps her arms around my waist. “I’m not going to push you to the dark. I’m going to hold you in the light.”
“I hurt her, Lo,” I say with a rasp to my tone. I don’t want to go here. I don’t want to continue to give power to Missy. She has it, though, with everything that happened. Missy still has the power. My anger still has the power. As much as it kills me and it may kill what I’m building with Lo, I have to take back the power within myself. I have to fight inside to admit my shortcomings so the anger and rage don’t hold power over me anymore.
“Who?”
“My ex, Missy. I put my hands on her,” I admit, looking down at my trained hands. “I fight in the league to get out the aggression. Somehow, it wasn’t enough. She would start, and we ended up hurting each other. We built this thing together, and we destroyed it. I don’t want to destroy what we’re building. I don’t want to destroy you.”
She squeezes me. “You brought me out of the scariest of places. You don’t let me face things alone. You accept me for me, not my dead sister. You, Jason Stanley, have given me something to want to live for. The only way you will destroy me is if you walk away before we can find out where we can go with this. The only way you will destroy what we’re building is if you don’t give me a chance to help you the way you give me the strength to move on.”
“I’m a monster,” I admit, pleading with her eyes that she will take off the rose-colored glasses and see the darkness that is completely me.
“I lived in a house that haunts me, because I was afraid of the world. You came and saved me. You aren’t a monster, Jason. You just don’t see the good you have inside.”
I have no words. I have laid it all out in front of her, and she isn’t running scared. She should be, but she’s not. Somehow in her eyes, I’m not a monster. She sees the good inside me that I can’t find. No one has ever seen anything good in me…other than Tatiana who wasn’t mine to hold on to. Could this be my chance at something real? Can she really accept me for the damaged and dangerous man I am?
I turn around and press my lips to hers. I don’t think. I don’t fight. I don’t push her away. I take her as she is, just as she takes me.
Slowly and tenderly, I take her on my living room floor. I let the day wash away as I sink inside of her.
With her, I don’t need to fight inside. I just need to fight alongside her for whatever lies ahead.
Chapter 21
Lo
After Jason has left for work, I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling satisfied. He made sure of it. On the floor, he apologized to my body sweetly, softly with his body. In the shower, he apologized with his kisses and the way his rough hands washed me gently, tenderly before I did the same in return. In bed, he gave me more. He gave me—Lo—what I now crave: the ability to lose myself in a moment of unrestrained, out-of-control sex.
I roll to my side, thinking about what he told me last night about the monster he thinks lives inside of him, the fear he will lose control with me. I know he won’t. I know by his touch, his need, his protective nature, and his possessiveness. In the arms of the man who calls himself a monster, I feel safer, more protected, and more alive than I ever have in my life.
I hate to even think about the fact that I always lived in the shadow of my sister. I love her and would go back in time to stop what happened. It feels wrong to think about the fact that, for the first time, I feel like I am my own person, and a man, a beautiful man, wants me. Just Lo. It feels selfish to be content, happy, and unafraid.
I sit up and pull my knees to my chest, watching Boots and Socks lying side by side. My chest squeezes, and I close my eyes tightly. Brothers.
Boots reminds me of Heidi, always stronger, and Socks reminds me of me, the scaredy-cat.
I lean down and scratch under their chins. “We’re getting stronger.”
I don’t want to deceive Jason. He told me his deepest, darkest secrets, the ones I didn’t already know. However, I can’t give him back the same. I can’t let him know what I have planned. If I get away with it, I will be able to give a name to my feelings for him. I will be able to do that and not worry about the ramifications to him or to me if he can’t tell me the same back. I will be strong enough to deal with the loss that may follow.
I am falling in love with a man who calls me an angel and himself a monster. He has no idea that the opposite is true. I hope he never will.
I look in the mirror and sigh. “Today, you are not Lo. Today, you become stronger. Today, you get answers so that, maybe tomorrow, this can end for you and for them.”
I am Hi. I have to be. I need the strength I feel when I pretend to be her.
I sit in the car, feeling stronger. I have on my wig, dark glasses, and I am ready. I open my bag and see the gun and know why. Today, I am armed. If I am found or if one of them comes after me, I won’t be vulnerable.
I look in the rearview mirror and nod at myself. I have on my armor. “Today, I am Hi.”
Adrian, Charlotte, and Waters are my prime suspects. Waters has become the one I believe most capable. He obviously has a dark side since I followed him into The Lion’s Den. I don’t trust Charlotte, either, but the crime scene was gruesome, and I have to ask: Is a woman capable of such things? Adrian is sketchy. His schedule didn’t waver much. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary like Waters.
Today, I follow Adrian to a café on the waterfront. I sit and wait.
I should just say fuck it. I should just do what they did—they took away three lives. An eye for an eye.
I run my hand over my face and shake my head, trying to rid myself of the hate, the extreme hate I feel inside for these people I want to kill, the entire lot of them, when I don’t know who actually did it.
God, it’s so confusing now. Jason sees both, he shows me who I am, he chooses me, now this game has become more difficult. I use her strength, become her, take on her persona, in every situation that I want to hide from.
When the police questioned me—her, about who might have killed my family, I—she couldn’t think of a si
ngle person. We were a normal family, a happy family. My father enjoyed his job, but he didn’t live it. The same thing went for my mother. I—she felt helpless.
While away at college, Lo made a notebook and wrote down every possibility. My parents weren’t close with their families, but when I looked into it via social media, the posts and tweets made it apparent that no one in our family was anywhere near Detroit on that day. They hadn’t been in years.
The last time Dad’s sister visited, she borrowed money. I overheard him tell Mom he knew she wouldn’t pay him back or be back, and that was fine, because as he said, our family was more than enough for him.
Mom was an only child, and her parents had been traveling out of the country since they retired. My family’s tragedy brought them home long enough to offer…Lo the opportunity to travel with them and to attend the funeral. It was very rough on them. They loved us. When they left, they called every week, then every month, now on birthdays and holidays. It’s sad, but they should move on.
Everyone should.
Two years after their deaths, Lo remembered overhearing our parents talking about an argument with the city council about some error in accounting. Dad was angry they weren’t looking into it. He said something about a three-hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. Mom told him he had done his job, and it was up to them to take action. She also told him she wanted him to try not to make waves since retirement was on the horizon, and she couldn’t wait for them to retire and move east, closer to her parents.
I put on my gloves, pulling them down and flexing my fingers inside for the best fit. Then I pull the gun—the Glock—from my bag and hold it in my hand. I don’t think about the repercussions to Jason. I only think of a solution to my past. The more time that passes the more I need to have closure. Desperation is a strong emotion. Its heavy steel looks large in my hand. It is large, but from the way he told me—her to hold it, I know I can handle it.
I am strong.
I see two cars pull in one behind the other. I immediately recognize them. Charlotte and Waters.
I knew it; I feel an emotion swell. Pride maybe. The fact that these three are meeting together outside of the office is highly suspicious.
“Good enough,” I say out loud and look down at the gun. “It’s time to end this.”
The passenger side door swings open, and I hold the gun up, pointing it at whoever is coming for me.
When I see green, angry eyes, my hand shakes.
“Don’t!” I scream.
He reaches out and snatches the gun from my trembling hands. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I turn away from his enraged eyes, unable to answer him.
“Lo, I asked you a goddamn question.”
“Hi! Hi, not Lo.”
“The fuck you are,” he snaps before he gets out of the car, storms around it, opens my door, and leans in. “Move over.”
I don’t move.
“Now!”
I scramble over the console to the passenger seat, and he gets in the driver’s side and adjusts the seat. Then he starts the car and throws it in drive.
As soon as the tires hit the road, his head whips around, and he yells at me, “You have some explaining to do!”
I don’t say a word.
“I’m not fucking playing, Lo. I gave you everything last night. I gave you everything I had, and you can’t even give me a word.”
“Hi! Not Lo!” I scream, then raise my knees to my chest, burying my face in them.
“No!” He smashes his fist on the dashboard. “She’s dead, dammit! She’s fucking dead, Lo. You’re here. You’re here, and I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on so I can help you!”
When I don’t say anything in response, he leaves me alone. I know I’m irrational but I can’t tell him because I’m not sure.
“My fucking car is at the riverside at that little café. Grab it for me?” I assume he’s talking into his phone, but I don’t look. Then he says nothing.
When I was little and afraid, I kept my eyes closed, becoming invisible to the world. I did it when I was in trouble for something, too. It sucks to know I’m not invisible. It sucks to know I again have disappointed him, made him angry. As fucked up as this all is, though, I want him to believe I am Heidi. I wish he would believe it like I make myself believe it.
I look up when he slows down. We are at his apartment building.
Home, I think and my heart aches.
“You can’t park here. You just can’t.”
“The fuck I can’t,” he hisses.
I start to open the door, but he grabs me. “I swear to God, you’re pushing me, Lo. You’re fucking pushing me on purpose.”
“I can’t let anyone see this car! I can’t, or I won’t be safe. You won’t be safe!” I use this car when I am Hi.
“Jesus Christ,” he hisses, putting the car back in drive and passing the building. “Where the fuck is your car, Lo, and what the hell are you doing?”
“The same place it was when you followed me the night you saved me,” I whisper.
Now I cry for him and what I am doing to him.
He holds my purse in one hand and my hand in the other as we walk off the elevator, not exchanging words since we dropped off the car and got mine. He pulls me behind him and opens the door.
As soon as I’m inside, I look down and see both Boots and Socks walking toward me. I drop to my knees and pet them. Socks purrs the loudest. I scoop him up and hug him tight.
He is growing comfortable here. He is happy here, and I know I am not going to be welcome soon.
Jason opens the fridge and grabs a beer. I look at the time. It’s nine in the morning.
“You’re late for work,” I whisper as I walk by the wall of windows and set Socks next to the scratch pole.
He laughs a low rumble. “I called in sick to work today. I wanted to spend time with you.” I hear the bottle knock on the counter. “Apparently, you already had fucking plans.”
“If you had told me, I would have stayed,” I say honestly.
“Oh, no. I wanted to surprise you. I went to the gym and came home to an empty fucking place and no note. You didn’t answer your fucking phone, so you know what I did, Lo?”
I shake my head.
“I went to the same goddamned places I followed you around to yesterday, trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing. I was all set to come back here yesterday and fuck you right, but where were you?”
I hang my head.
“You were out stalking city council members!”
I look up quickly and scowl at him.
“I thought it was Waters. I thought my Lo”—he hits his chest hard—“my Lo might have a thing for that tool, because she followed his ass to The Lion’s Den twice. But I buried that idea because, when I followed you to Adrian’s, I knew no way in hell would you want that dick when you have my cock. Then Charlotte; I knew damn well you weren’t the type to eat pussy when you like cock. More specifically, you like my cock!”
“I love it. Yes, I do.” I take a step toward him, and he throws his hand up.
“No, Lo. No fucking way is this gonna end up in bed. You’re going to tell me what the hell is going on in your head, or you don’t get my dick, my tongue, my…” He snaps his jaw shut, closes his eyes, and shakes his head. After what feels like an eternity, he opens his eyes. All anger is gone, and I see pain. “I gave you everything last night, and you give me nothing.”
“Jason, I can’t,” I whisper. “I don’t want to be anywhere except here, but I can’t tell you. You protect me against your demons. I am protecting you, too, okay?”
His eyes change, turn angry. “I don’t need your fucking protection!” he roars. “I need your honesty. I need you to let me be the fucking man I want to be for you, or you, Lo, need to leave, because I can’t let this get ugly. I won’t let it get ugly, not with you. Not ever!
“You want to hide things from me, make me feel weak, when all I want you to feel
is strong. As good as your pussy is, as much as I want it—want you, crave you—you want to hide. You need to leave.”
Panic strikes, and I hold my hand over my face.
I can’t hold back anymore. I can’t walk away from the thing that makes me the happiest.
“She’s going to kill them. She’s going to kill them and make them pay for what they did. Heidi deserves retribution.”
Tears fall and silent sobs build deep, making my body tremble.
In less than it takes to start, I feel his arms around me, lifting me, carrying me, and whispering, “Sh…” against my ear.
“I can’t stay here,” I cry loudly. “I won’t let go, Jason. I won’t back down until I finish what I started, and I don’t want you involved.”
“Lo, taking my gun involved me. If you had shot them, it would have been me who got arrested.” He sounds annoyed with me, assuming I didn’t know the gun would tie him to it.
“You were at work. You had an alibi.”
“No, I wasn’t at work, and the guys at the gym don’t care much for the cops. I would have been suspect number one,” he says. “And you live here, have access to my piece, so you would have been as well.”
I look up when he sits, holding me on his lap.
“I don’t care if I go to jail. I would be proud that I avenged the death of my family.”
“That wouldn’t work for me, angel.” He shrugs, and I see pain in his eyes again. “I don’t want to be without you. I want us. I want you; and I want me; and I want a peaceful fucking existence.”
“I want that, too. I do, but how can I find true peace when I know…” I stop and wipe tears from my left eye as he rubs his thumb under my right. “It wasn’t just a random home invasion. There is more. I know there is, and I have proof.”
“Why haven’t you gone to the police?”
“Because Ryan didn’t believe me, I let it go, then I knew I couldn’t anymore. I tried going to the police. They said it was a closed case. I was weak and left it alone. No one believed me or my suspicions.”
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