by C. M. Owens
The look in her eyes has me regretting my words, because tears well up and pain settles in her gaze. I’m tired of people feeling sorry for me. Tired of them being tethered to my shit. I’m just… tired.
“Should I be worried about you being on your own?” she asks me.
“That wasn’t a suicidal comment,” I tell her with a forced smile. “That was a stated fact. If I was going to kill myself, I would have already done it. No worries.”
She doesn’t look convinced, but at least I’m being honest.
Tucking my purse against my side, I walk outside to where Chuck is waiting with my car. He flashes me a smile filled with sympathy. I’ve been choking on everyone’s fucking sympathy.
“Thanks for doing this,” I tell him as I climb in the car.
“Anything for you. You’ve done a lot for me. Hope he appreciates what you’re doing for him.”
He won’t. He’ll hate me like I hated him. But that’s not what Chuck is talking about.
“He’ll treat you good,” I tell him with a forced smile.
He sighs as I glance back at the bags Chuck grabbed from my house. For the first time in my life, I’m truly on my own. I wish I could say that didn’t terrify me, but I’m tired of lying to myself.
At least I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing to everyone else around me anymore.
My eyes glance over at the bowling alley one last time, and I wipe away the first tear that falls. There will be many more tears to keep me company.
Chapter 44
CHASE
“Kiss me,” Gina says, leaning against me.
I don’t want to kiss her. I just want to use her to forget. Touching anyone else feels wrong… dirty… My stomach roils, but I drink more, numbing myself.
I’m sick of thinking about Mika. I’m sick of missing her. I’m sick of… every-fucking-thing.
“I said kiss me,” Gina repeats.
I turn up the bottle of whiskey again instead of responding to her, and drink until it hurts a little less. Never thought I’d be the James boy everyone said I was.
People dance, people sing, people act like these are the greatest years of our life, and I watch it all from the outside. No one here gives a fuck about me. Most of these people—including Gina—would be ashamed to speak to me outside of this damn party. Everyone just likes to party at my place, since the cops don’t come around here and bother my parents. Mom makes sure of that.
This is now the party grounds where the party doesn’t get raided, and everyone can get shit-faced. Glad I can contribute. It’s better than drinking alone.
“Chase,” Gina groans, licking the shell of my ear.
Maybe I can get over Mika if I stop letting her be the only one I’ve ever had. If I stop worshipping every memory of her in my mind, maybe it’ll hurt less. Maybe I can move on like she will.
Just the thought of someone else touching her again has me ready to punch something. She fucked someone else before me. She’s probably already fucking some douche who’s on the path to be a lawyer or some shit. She’s probably fucking someone who deserves her.
Her latest letter is crumpled in my back pocket, and I can’t read it. Just like I haven’t read any of them since summer began and my dreams ended. Fucking ridiculous. All of it. I was stupid to ever think it would end differently.
“Yeah,” I tell Gina, dropping my drink as I grab her by the waist. The bottle falls to the ground, and I jerk open my jeans as bile rises to my throat. “Spread your legs.”
She complies with a smile on her lips, and I roll on a condom right in the middle of the party. People might have an issue with being associated with a James in public, but no one has a problem fucking one.
Time to accept the truth and live with it. I’m no exception. That’s just life.
Whit whistles low as something crunches under her foot, and I bandage up my bloody hands.
“What the hell happened here?” she asks, inching around more damage that used to be my coffee table.
“Unless you’ve figured out where Mika is, you should go. I’m not exactly in the mood for visitors.” I finish up the bandaging, and grab my keys. No way am I finding my belt in this mess.
“I told you the last I saw her was about the bowling alley. Are you okay? This looks like someone broke in.”
“I just needed to hit something,” I say while turning around. My house looks like a tornado blew through, but I don’t give a damn right now. I also don’t like the pity oozing from Whit’s eyes.
“Have you heard from Aidan or Hunter? I can’t reach them,” she says while looking around at the mess.
“On my way there now,” I say while brushing by her.
“Chase!”
I turn around as Whit struggles with whatever is on her mind.
“Never mind. Just let me know how they’re doing. Okay?”
I don’t say anything. Instead, I climb into my truck and resist the urge to stop for a bottle of liquor that could drown out the world. Getting lost at the bottom of a bottle never worked before. Getting wasted led to a lot of bad decisions, and none of it changed a thing. It all made it worse.
I pull up to Mika’s house, and the disappointment hits me hard when her car still isn’t in the open garage. For some reason, I keep expecting it to magically appear. Fifteen minutes… We’ve gone everywhere you can go from one to twenty minutes in varying speeds. Fifteen minutes is an acceptable number for her to use, since it’s a limit and not a time.
The door is unlocked, so I push through it. As though he’s echoing my thoughts, I hear Aidan shouting.
“She can’t just leave! She can’t even drive longer than fifteen minutes. There’s no way she just vanishes into thin fucking air without help. Find out where she is!” Aidan yells through the phone at whoever he’s talking to this time. He’s been making phone calls since she went missing.
Mika withdrew a large sum of cash, but no one knows where it went. However, it was definitely enough to buy a small home.
Hunter is hunched over with his head in his hands. I’ve already destroyed all the shit in my house, throwing my own version of a tantrum, and there’s nothing even wrong with my head. Nothing besides Mika missing.
I’ve spent a lot of time asking everyone if they’ve seen her, practically hounding everyone I’ve seen in town. Everyone gives me a look like I’ve done something to her to make her run. I’m a James, after all.
“Whit said she’s been trying to reach you guys,” I tell Hunter.
“Unless she knows where Mika is, I’m not in the mood to talk to her,” Aidan growls. “Or anyone else for that matter.”
“Whit really doesn’t know anything?” Hunter asks me, looking up with pained eyes.
“She said Mika got with her about a bowling alley issue while she was in the hospital, but nothing more than that,” I say through clenched teeth.
Aidan looks like he’s on the verge of destroying something or someone as he tosses his phone down to a table, and runs his hands through his hair.
Blake is already here, sitting by as the chaos unfolds. He looks just as exhausted as we all feel.
“I was stupid to think she’d drop it. I just thought if I didn’t help her, then she had no one else help her disappear,” Hunter says like a scolded kid.
“Dr. Stein won’t tell me shit,” Aidan groans. “Nothing other than Mika is fine and in contact with her. Fucking confidentiality policies. Mika can’t pay electric bills or anything else. She can’t do that without help. And she can’t just trust anyone with her account numbers. It has to be Dr. Stein helping her. There’s no way around it.”
“At least we know she’s fine,” Blake says, then immediately flinches when three murderous glares turn his way. “I’ll go see if I can find anyone who might have seen her leave town. Small towns talk.”
Maybe they’ll actually tell him something.
He walks out while I drop to Mika’s couch and try to think of anyone else who might have take
n her out of town. Whit doesn’t know. Chuck doesn’t know. Half the other employees never even knew Mika. Three fucking days she’s been missing, and no one seems to know anything.
A man can fart in a store downtown, and everyone knows about it within the hour. But Mika can go missing, and no one fucking knows a damn thing.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, reading the message from Chuck in disbelief.
“What?” Aidan asks me.
Shaking my head, I peer up at him and blow out a breath. “I’m supposed to go meet with Mika’s lawyer. Apparently she signed over the bowling alley to me at some point.”
“The fuck?!” Aidan roars, kicking a basket across the room.
Mika doesn’t plan on coming back. It’s like getting punched and broken all over again.
“I want to see Dr. Stein,” I tell them, hearing it go eerily silent.
I look up to see both of them staring at me, as Aidan pants for air, still half crazed.
“She was supposed to be with Mika here after her release, but she’s back in New York,” Aidan tells me, glaring at me. “You going to fly all the way to New York just to have her tell you in person she can’t tell you where Mika is? She wouldn’t tell me. She’s not going to tell—”
“I’m not going to New York for information on where she is. I’m going to get educated on how to be. Hunter said he had to see her before fitting into Mika’s life.”
Aidan turns around and grabs his phone, and he angrily jabs it into his pocket before snatching his keys.
“My sister signed over her fucking bowling alley to you; she’s gone because she thinks she’s a burden to me; and you’re going to find out how to play house? She’s not going to be around to play house with if she’s tying up all loose ends, you stupid fuck. I’m going to go find her and save her before she does something she can’t be saved from.”
He storms out and slams the door, and Hunter scrubs his face with his hands.
“He’s not giving her enough credit,” I tell Hunter, who stares at me like I’m stupid. “Mika isn’t tying up loose ends. She’s just cutting ties to everything. She’s isolating herself, but she’s still a fighter. I need to see Dr. Stein, because I need to give her a reason to come back.”
Hunter groans while pulling out his phone. “I agree that she’s not going to fucking kill herself, but she could get hurt. Finding her should be our priority. Not you—”
“You search for her. Let me do this so that she has a reason to come back,” I tell him.
“She has a reason. She has two of them. Me and Aidan.”
“Yeah, but she feels like a burden to you. I’m your only chance at getting her back.”
His lips tense, but he makes the call.
I just hope I’m enough to bring her back.
Chapter 45
CHASE
“I can’t disclose any of my patient’s information,” Dr. Stein announces for the third time.
“And I don’t expect you to,” I say yet again. “I know all of Mika’s case details from Hunter and this.” I hold up the book I’ve read three times, and toss it down. Dr. Stein was able to work me in quickly, which Hunter said is a good sign, considering she isn’t taking on new patients.
“If you’re serious about doing this, it’s going to require a major lifestyle change,” Dr. Stein informs me as I look around at the plain, sterile room she calls an office. The couch I’m on is surprisingly comfortable, but it’s so white that it’s actually blinding.
I’ve never been to New York. I’ve sure as hell never been in a shrink’s office before.
“I’m serious about it,” I tell her, still looking around. Finally, my eyes come back to her. “And I’ve heard that numerous times, so I’m aware.”
She’s not as old as I anticipated, but she’s just as polished and professional as I imagined. Her hair is even in a pristine bun. She eyes the book before looking back at me.
“According to that book, the patient it refers to can handle seeing and hearing numbers after completion. Such as, she can know the total of something, as long as it’s definitely not going to change. She can name an amount of days or weeks that have passed. Her issue with numbers and time lies within the future (projected) numbers and future times.”
“I’m aware,” I state quietly.
“Fifteen minutes is another that patient can hear—she notes it as her driving restriction. She can’t be behind the wheel longer than that, but it doesn’t handicap her ability to be a passenger. There are no restrictions as long as you don’t list destination times. The number three is a constant ground rule. Never pass three. Four is dangerous.”
I nod, waiting on her to quit reciting the book I’ve read over and over.
“Can I be frank with you, Mr. James?” she asks while leaning forward.
I just stare, waiting on her to tell me I’m not meant for Mika or something. I’ve prepared for any and all objections.
“This thing between you and your girlfriend… Honestly, I don’t know if it’s something to hope to feel myself one day, or if it’s unhealthy to still feel this strongly after such a brief reunion.”
My lips twitch. “Just tell me how to make it work. I’ll worry about the rest.”
“It’s not going to be easy,” she tells me with a sigh, then lifts the book I brought in. “My biggest issue with the care given to the patient in this book isn’t the brutal, intense therapy that dangerously pushed the woman to her breaking point over and over. It’s the fact the therapy centered around detaching the patient from all emotions. While overwhelming emotions are dangerous for this patient, it goes against everything we stand for to condition someone to cut off anything that makes them feel anything at all.”
I nod, trying not to clench my jaw too tightly. That book was the most nauseating thing I’ve ever read. Mika had to have felt so alone, just like she’s probably feeling right now.
“I’m aware,” I finally say. “But she feels something when I’m with her. Whether she wants to or not.”
“I know. Trust me, I know. You’re either going to save her or destroy her. Remember that.”
“We’ll save each other,” I tell her, watching her eyes widen fractionally before a subtle smile graces her lips. “I just need your help to be what she needs.”
She’s nothing like I expected, and I can tell she actually cares about Mika.
“Very well.”
She pulls out a list and hands it to me, as though she was prepared for this.
“Let’s pretend I drew this up for you after you disclosed all the pertinent information concerning your girlfriend’s case.”
I restrain a smile, accepting the list from her. “Any time you do one of the forbidden, you need to mark it,” she goes on.
I look down at the list that actually has boxes for checkmarks out beside it. It’s two pages stapled together, and each page is full.
“Take this homework seriously. If you can’t remember to mark the boxes when you slip up, you won’t be able to handle someone who needs this structure for a healthy life.”
“I’ll take it seriously,” I assure her.
“I have extra copies for you in the folder I’ve assembled. Also, call me twice a week to let me know how this is going.”
“No problem.”
“Go ahead and mark a box beside ‘never commit to a number for any reason’ and one for ‘never set a schedule’ as well.”
Sighing, I immediately check off the boxes, realizing this isn’t going to be quite as easy as I initially thought. I’m already failing a test that I just started.
“It’s all about the wording, Mr. James,” she continues, watching me with a guarded expression. “A mind like your girlfriend’s demands the right wording.”
“I’ll call you when I can,” I tell her, and her lips twitch.
“Better. Now live this way for a while.”
“How long?” I grimace when she starts to speak. “Never mind. Sorry. No dates or
guesses at timeframes. Marking the boxes off now.”
Her lips twitch and she nods.
“It’ll take time. It’s a long process. Think marathon—not a race.”
“I’m a fast learner, Doc. And I’m ready to have Mika back. I think life has fucked us both over for long enough. Don’t you?”
I can tell she’s still trying to decide what she thinks about me, and probably worried about Mika.
“What are your thoughts on this?” she asks me. “I mean about this situation.”
“My thoughts?” My lips tense as I try to process my thoughts. They’re everywhere. “My thoughts are that I don’t give a fuck about anything but getting Mika back. And I’m ready to prove it.”
She clears her throat like I caught her off guard, but she resumes going over the list without missing more than a few beats.
“Mi—I mean, your girlfriend has to be careful with powerful emotions. It’s fine until it’s not fine. It’s been holding her back from progressing into a relationship state. Emotions run higher when a lot of affection or physical contact is involved, creating a larger margin for irrationality,” she explains calmly. “Hence the reason her reaction was so extreme this past time.”
“I didn’t know the rules last time. This time I do. I’m not going in blind. It’s worth it.”
She studies me for a long minute, but finally starts going over other important key points.
“Some exceptions are made,” she says. “Such as the fifteen minutes of drive time. Since Mika doesn’t have an issue riding for longer, someone else is allowed to drive longer than that time.”
There are other exceptions, and I listen with rapt attention. I soak it all in, ready to do whatever it takes. I also have a few ideas of my own to help Mika.
Fuck the marathon. This is a sprint.
Chapter 46
MIKA
