“From the kitchen. I made a run after I used the bathroom.”
My mouth falls open. “Holy hell, I did pass out.”
She grins. “Well it’s no wonder. I’m going to call you Beast Boy from now on.”
“Filthy Mouth and Beast Boy . . . we make a fine pair,” I murmur.
“A very fine pair,” she whispers before turning off the light and settling back down into my arms.
I vaguely remember kissing her on the forehead and pulling her closer before sleep takes me again.
Chapter Twenty
FACE TO FACE
“You smell like sex.”
I’m pulled out of the depths of sleep and I blink several times.
“What?” I ask as I rub my eyes.
She trails kisses across my chest and give me a lazy smile. “You smell like sex.”
I chuckle. “Well, it’s no wonder.” I lean into her. “You do too.”
Grinning, she eases her folded leg over my thigh. “I know. Isn’t it glorious? The best smell ever!”
“Well, it’s distinct.” I blink again, noticing how dim the light is in the room. “What time is it anyway?”
“Five-thirty.”
“In the morning?”
“Yes, you’ve been sleeping like a bear. It’s no wonder you have no sense of the time.”
“Haven’t you been sleeping?”
“Not a wink. I’m too excited!”
“What about?”
“Sex!”
This woman.
I bite back my smile. “What about sex?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Now that I’ve got the best lover of my life, I’m imagining all the sex ahead of us. I was making a list in my mind of all the things I want to try. As a matter of fact, there’s a sex show coming up at the Convention Center and I thought we could go and see all the latest stuff.”
Stuff?
“Oh really?”
She nods with a sincere look. “Yeah, that’s where Stella got the crotchless sex swing. They had the part where it hooks up installed over their mattress in their bedroom.”
What the hell?
“Stella has a crotchless swing over their bed? I wonder if it’s got that sparkly shit on it?”
She laughs. “Ha! Probably.”
I point up to her light fixture. “Wouldn’t hanging a swing over your bed conflict with your heavy-ass Venetian light fixture?”
She taps her fingers on her chin. “Good point. Well, we could hang it in the guestroom.”
I’m tempted to ask her how it works but I don’t want to give her a false sense of encouragement. I may be a beast in bed but I don’t do crotchless swings.
She runs her hand down my thigh. “Speaking of crotchless, do you have any chaps?”
I’m starting to get concerned. Why is everything starting to sound like a bad theatrical production?
“Leather chaps?” I ask to check her level of sincerity.
She nods.
“No, my leather chaps got messed up when I tried washing them. All the fringe started coming off.”
She purses her lips. “Hey, are you making fun of me?”
“Maybe just a little bit.”
She play pouts, pulling the sheet up to cover herself, and folds her arms over her chest.
“I don’t like it when you make fun of me . . . especially when I’m so excited about something.”
I lift up on my elbow and gaze down at her. “Aww, don’t be mad at me, Elle. The chaps thing just took me by surprise.”
All of this reminds me of when she wanted me to dress up as a construction worker. “Hey, have you read any cowboy erotica?”
She nods. “Montana Bound is one of my favorite BDSM series.”
I purse my lips together. “I see. And the cowboy . . .”
“Rusty,” she fills in.
“Rusty wore chaps?”
“He wore them a lot, although it was only in the bedroom where he wore them without jeans underneath.”
“Right, right. That’s where the crotchless part comes in.” I purse my lips together and try to imagine how such a scene would play out. “I have cowboy boots,” I offer.
She smiles. “Well, that’s a start.”
I run my hand over her shoulder and down her arm. “I’m not really a dress- up kind of guy. Other than appreciating a woman in beautiful lingerie, I really prefer naked sex without a lot of gadgets.”
“You don’t think that’s boring?”
I push back from her, my eyes wide with surprise. “Boring? Were you bored earlier?”
“You know I wasn’t. I’ve never been more excited.”
“Me neither. Just remembering it is getting me excited again.”
She takes her hand and slides it down until I feel her fingers wrap around me. My cock pulses in response and she moans.
I press my lips against her cheek. “You turn me on so much.” I ease her sheet down to her waist, kissing her across her shoulder and up her neck as my hand cups her breast.
She runs her fingers up and down my cock. “You have no idea what hearing that does to me.”
“And we don’t need a swing, baby.” “Yeah?”
“All I need is you.”
As we lie together we touch each other slowly in the quiet light of dawn. I gently brush her hair to the side so I can caress her cheek. When our lips meet and we kiss it feels different, like we’re even more connected. Not that I’m surprised, but it means a lot that I’m sensing it so strongly from her.
It’s time. I’ve got to tell her.
Taking a deep breath, I pull back so we’re lying side-by-side facing each other. I look into her eyes and take her hand.
“What?” she asks, squeezing my hand gently.
I take a second, hoping to calm my nerves. “I just thought you should know . . . I mean, I’ve wanted to tell you . . . but I guess I was worried you’d freak out . . . so please don’t freak out . . .”
She claps her hand over her mouth and there’s panic in her eyes. “Oh God, what is it? Are you moving away?”
“What? No!”
“Do you have some rare incurable disease?”
“Hey, hey, hey . . .” I say gripping her arm. “It’s nothing bad. Why did you assume it was?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re stuttering and you look like you’re either going to throw up or cry.”
I laugh, and then laugh harder until I roll over and hold my stomach. I’m so fucking smooth. For the first time I’m going to tell a girl that I love her and she thinks I’m going to throw up instead.
“Why are you laughing at me?” she asks with a frown. “Now I’m getting annoyed.”
“No, don’t get annoyed. I’m laughing at myself, not you, and I’m an idiot.” I roll back on my side to face her.
“So what’s going on?”
“It’s just that—”
“Stop,” she says placing her hands on either side of my face. “It’s me. Elle. Just tell me.”
“I love you,” I blurt out.
She looks at me kind-of stunned. Maybe she isn’t clear on this yet.
I shake my head in frustration. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you—that kind of love. You know, the deep kind of love that people write songs about.” I place my hand on my chest.
She gets quiet and glances down. “Oh, I see. You’re in love with me.”
My stomach twists up as I wait for her to look back up. “Is that a bad thing?”
She narrows her eyes as she studies me. “Is this a new thing? I mean, did you just figure it out and now think it will mess everything up or something?”
I swallow hard. I have to be honest. “No, I’ve known for a pretty long time.”
“Why did you wait so long to tell me?”
“Well, I was going to tell you, but when we found out you were pregnant it wasn’t the right time. I guess after that we had to find our footing again with so much changing. I was waiting for the right
moment.”
“I see.”
“I’m starting to realize that maybe this wasn’t the right moment.”
She gives me a little smile and inches closer to me. “Maybe it was exactly the right moment.”
She silently stares at me for a long time, or at least it feels that way. Then I notice there are tears starting to stream down her face.
I reach over to brush one away. “What is it, Elle?”
“I’m in love with you, too,” she whispers.
“Are you crying because that’s a bad thing?”
She sniffles. “No, it’s because I never thought that someone would love me again, especially the way you do.”
“Oh, baby,” I whisper as I pull her into my arms. “You’re amazing. How could I not fall in love with you?”
She answers with a kiss that shows me she loves me even if she hadn’t said the words.
I answer back by easing on top of her so I can feel her underneath me when I return the kiss, and I make sure it’s one she’ll remember.
“So this is a good thing,” I say when our lips part.
“Definitely.”
“And is this a good thing?” I kiss her again and adjust my body between her legs as she slowly eases them apart. My cock seems to slide into her of its own free will, like it knows where it should be. Maybe I gave it a little help, and she did too, but still it was cool it felt so natural.
“Such a good thing,” she whispers. She has a vulnerable look in her eyes and I see that the tears haven’t stopped. I kiss them away and then move to her lips where the kisses continue as I slowly make love to my Elle.
I think this kind of lovemaking is new for both of us—there’s nothing hard about it yet the passion is even more intense without being wild. It’s as if our bodies are confirming the thoughts we shared. I’m acutely aware of the way she’s touching me, like I’m a treasure she’s unwrapped.
All of it is such a turn-on, and I’m stunned to realize that I’m close to coming and we never put on a condom. I lift up on my arms and she looks down to where I’m sliding in and out of her, and she gasps. She circles the base of my cock with her fingers and then strokes herself.
“Oh, Paul, I’m so close,” she says with wide eyes.
I swallow thickly. “Me too, baby, but we don’t have a condom on.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t worry. My doctor put me on the pill.”
“So we’re okay?”
She nods and continues to stroke herself. The flush is running down from her cheeks, along her neck and over her chest.
She nods and bites her lip as the intensity builds, drawing each other to our edge. I’m so deep inside of her.
“Oh my God, Paul,” she cries.
I can feel everything; it’s powerful, not just her starting to come but how this is more. This is love.
I don’t speed up, so as I come inside of her every sensation is amplified. It’s crazy intense, and for a second I wonder if my heart has stopped, but then I realize that it’s wildly beating.
When our gazes meet, I sense that she realizes everything between us has shifted. I understand now why this love thing is such a big deal. It’s an opening of your heart, and you have to be brave because it’s magnificent but terrifying, too.
The only thing I know for sure is that from this moment on nothing will ever be the same.
Chapter Twenty-One
THE BALANCING ACT
We fall asleep and when we wake up I realize that we’re not just stuck to the sheets, but to each other. As I try to peel myself off of her, I laugh and she opens her eyes.
“Where you going?”
I flop back down. “I had this idea that I’d go find some food in your kitchen, but I can’t be bothered.”
“You hungry?”
I nod and rub my hands over my face and through my hair. “Yeah. I should probably take a shower too but I don’t have any clean clothes with me. I’m going to have to leave some in your closet so I’m prepared after our next marathon. I’ll be one of those guys who brings over a few things at a time and suddenly I’m living here.”
She tips her head as she looks at me. She suddenly feels far away.
What’s that about?
“Hey, you’ll come to dinner at the folks this Thursday, right?”
She glances over at the clock. “I think I can come. Let me check my schedule.”
She has to check her schedule?
She smooths the sheets over her legs. “Do your parents know?”
“Know what?”
She waves her hand back and forth between us. “You know . . .”
“That I’m in love with you?”
She nods.
“Yes, they do. I’ve got to warn you, now that we’re together Ma is really going to amp up the marriage thing.”
There’s that faraway look again.
“Oh.”
“Is something wrong?”
“I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Like everything is moving so fast. You know I haven’t wanted to be in a relationship.”
I feel like she just kicked me in the gut, and I reel back. “Are you saying that hasn’t changed?”
“Not exactly. I love you, truly I do, and the sex . . . well, it’s phenomenal. But that doesn’t mean I want to suddenly set up house and be a full-on couple.”
The blood in my veins goes cold. “What do you want?”
“I don’t know . . .”
“I think you do.”
Looking up at me, her expression is hopeful as she bites her thumbnail. “I was thinking we can be like we’ve always been, but with sex.”
“So friends with benefits?” I grit my teeth.
She smiles like I’m going along with it. “Yeah, like that.”
“I see,” I say as I step out of bed. My stomach is churning and I’m sure as hell not hungry anymore. My instinct to flee that developed during my player days kicks in. It used to be when the girl got clingy after sex I’d get moving. The weird thing now is that the roles are kind of reversed, which actually makes me feel even more uncomfortable.
Searching for my clothes, I find them crumpled up on the floor. I pull on my boxers and shake out the slacks before pulling them on.
“What are you doing?” she asks, with a bewildered look.
“I think I’m going to get going. I really need a shower and clean clothes.”
“You could shower here. We could take one together. I’ve always wanted to try shower sex.”
Wow. It’s all about the sex. For a brief moment I regret sleeping with her, but then I remember how awesome it was and I get over it.
“I’ll take a rain check,” I say as I button up my shirt.
She gets out of bed, grabs her robe from the closet, and pulls it on.
As she ties her robe shut she looks up at me. “You know, I’m still a little foggy from all the sex and no sleep but can you tell me what’s going on—why you’re upset and rushing out of here? Can we talk this out?”
“I’m just tired,” I lie.
She arches her brow at me. “You can do better than that.”
“What about you? You seem so distant all of a sudden. At daybreak we were in each other’s arms confessing our love for each other, and now a few hours later we’re besties with benefits.”
She sits of the edge of the bed and stares out the window. “Maybe all that ‘couple talk’ you were going on about when we woke up made me uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, I picked up on that. Like it’s the last thing you’d ever want.”
She holds her arms out and her eyes are wide. “But you’ve known since you met me that being part of a regular couple again was the last thing I wanted.”
I can’t argue with her. She’s only speaking the truth.
I nod, and sit down on the opposite side of the bed.
“And you’ve always known what I wanted,” I say.
“True . . . I just hoped . . .”
“As did I
,” I admit. “Somehow I thought that if you loved me enough you would decide you wanted more after all.”
“So we were both wrong,” she says with an incredibly sad tone to her voice.
I lean forward and drop my head in my hands. My elbows are digging into my knees as if I’m trying to hold up the weight of the world instead of just my fat head.
A creepy feeling edges up my spine. “Is this about you wanting to still do hook-ups? Because this is making me feel like I’m just another one of your Tinder guys.”
Her mouth drops open and her eyebrows shoot up. “No! How can you even ask that? Besides after last night you’ve ruined me for anyone else.”
Her answer only makes me feel the smallest bit calmer. “Oh, this really sucks,” I groan.
“Can’t we just take things as they come?” She almost sounds like she’s pleading but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I consider the idea as my forehead presses into the palm of my hand. It’s not the worst idea. If we just act like friends who are in love and have a lot of sex, won’t we eventually evolve into being a couple? Before you know it we could have a couple of kids and a Spanish bungalow in Larchmont Village or Toluca Lake.
Sitting up, I glance over at her. She looks as upset as I feel. I want to go to her, but I know I’d regret it later.
Instead I stand, and pick up my jacket and shoes before clearing my throat.
“Look, we’re both exhausted and overwhelmed. I think we both need some time to think about things.”
“Time?” Elle asks, looking scared. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
I let out a sigh. “I know. I don’t like it either. Here’s the thing, after two long years of abstinence and those crazy meetings, two years of occasional dates with women who didn’t excite me at all, I’ve finally found what I want and I’m not settling for less. I want you, Elle.”
“I want you too,” she replies. Her voice sounds like she’s holding back tears.
I shake my head. “You know what I’m about. I want it all . . . including the emotional intimacy and connection. I want to know that you’re my future. This is a hell of a lot more than sex to me and I can’t believe that’s all this is to you.”
Her voice gets quiet. “And if I can’t be who you want me to be, that’s it for us?”
I consider what she’s asked carefully before I finally nod and look over at her with sad eyes. “It just wouldn’t make sense, if what we want is so fundamentally different.”
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