by T. S. Joyce
She waved as Joanna left, and began to make her way toward the trail that would lead to the training arena. After her trip to Daria’s house and her talk with Joanna, she would only make it for the conditioning part of class, but it was better than nothing.
Plucking absently on the twine that crisscrossed the crackling paper protecting the herbs, she frowned at the dirt path in front of her. Maybe Jo was saying Chase thought she was too messed up from her time with Nathan to begin a real relationship. Was she messed up? How deeply had she been affected? Sure, everything about Chase confused her, but it was all in good ways. He didn’t put her down or demand her submission. He didn’t call her names and he encouraged her to find her strength, both in the training arena and when she talked to people in the clan. He even seemed to like when she was mouthy with him and spoke her mind.
Perhaps it wouldn’t be confusing if she hadn’t been with Nathan for the past two years though. Maybe her mind was trained to be a certain way around males and with sex. What if Chase was waiting for her to fix the broken pieces of herself? She was angry with Nathan, and felt used, and sometimes she had bad dreams of him coming for her, but she didn’t feel broken. Not around Chase. On the contrary, she felt…hopeful.
Chase frowned as he watched her approach the fence that encased the training field. His class was currently high-kneeing circles around the arena. “You okay? I was starting to worry.”
Throwing her arms around his neck, she kissed him soundly and eased back. The fence rails were pressed against her ribcage, but she didn’t care. She missed him so damned bad when she went this long without seeing him. “Riker says I’m off probation.”
“Yeah?” His brows relaxed as the worry drifted from his face.
She nodded with a big goofy grin on her face.
“You want to celebrate tonight?” he asked as she scaled the fence and sat atop the highest rail. He positioned himself between her legs and wrapped his strong arms around her back. “Muriel, higher knees or you can start over,” he called over his shoulder. The man had eyes in the back of his head.
From this height, they were almost eye level, and Anya wrapped her arms around his neck again. “How do you want to celebrate?” Her tone was sultrier than she had intended.
“Anya,” he warned.
“No, I wasn’t saying…I know you aren’t ready. I am, but you have your reasons and need time, and I’m okay with that.” She lowered her voice. “I love you. I’ll wait.” She’d been feeling these sentiments for days, but hadn’t actually meant to blurt them out like this. Paralyzed and wide-eyed, she watched as confusion pulled his eyebrows down.
Right as she was about to apologize, a slow, hopeful smile tugged his lips. “Say that again.”
Rolling her eyes to the lazy white clouds above them, she teased, “I’ll wait.”
Chase growled and grazed his teeth against her neck, then eased back. “You know what I mean.”
The words were scary. Ones she hadn’t uttered to a man before and now she’d do it twice in a row. But Chase deserved them. She didn’t know much about what was real and not real with the Long Claws, but here with Chase, the truth of her feelings was the easiest thing about her life. She was still learning who she was, but whatever that encompassed, she was his, body and soul. “I love you.”
“Jesus, woman,” he rumbled, lowering his forehead to her chest. “What are you doing to me?”
Grabbing the backward bill of his favorite baseball cap from his head, she tossed it to the table near the fence and roughed her hands through his short hair. It didn’t matter if he said it back right now. She could wait on that too because she was here to stay. She wasn’t running from the churning mass of emotion he conjured in her anymore, and she sure as hell wasn’t playing Nathan’s war games. She was in it, neck deep loving this complicated man. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
Chase eyed his class as they passed, panting and grunting, knees high. Then, so fast it startled her, he turned and pressed his lips against her ear. “I love you, too.”
Those words were the most important of her life and she smiled against his cheek and hugged his shoulders tighter to keep him against her, unable to contain her happiness.
Whatever came next, she would be able to handle it because he’d showed her how strong she could be. She could bear any hardship because Chase was beside her, exploring her potential. She’d never felt so comfortable in her skin. As he pulled back and looked at her with those bottomless melted caramel colored eyes, like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, she’d never felt more in charge of her life, her future, and her happiness.
She was slowly coming to the realization that what Chase was doing to her might actually be magic.
Chapter Nine
Anya folded a cobalt colored fitted shirt and set it into the small pile of clean clothes on the guest bed. They were still warm from the dryer and she hugged a pair of jeans to her chest to absorb the heat. Cross-legged, she flung the pants to the side to encourage away the wrinkles, then folded them too. It was late, and the dinner dishes long ago cleaned.
The soreness in her back eased with a languid stretch as she reached her arms toward the ceiling. Everything hurt on her these days, but the intense training she’d been doing was making her stronger, little by little. She was proud of those sore muscles. They had been hard-earned.
The pipes to the bathroom made swishing sounds against her wall as Chase turned on the sink water, and she folded her last shirt double-time so she could catch him before he disappeared into his bedroom for the night. Snatching the glass jelly jar that she’d mixed the balm in from her dresser, she padded to the bathroom door and knocked on the open frame.
“Can I?” she asked. Shyness always crept over her when she put it on him for a multitude of reasons, but the main was that being vulnerable with his injury seemed to make Chase uncomfortable.
Tonight though, he smiled and jerked his head in invitation. “I was about to ask if you would.”
Oh. Relieved, she fingered out a quarter-sized portion of the cool, purple colored goo and waited for him to lift his arm to give her access. The star-shaped wound was silver on the edges like the rest of his scars, and red in the center where the muscle hadn’t been covered by healing skin. Every time she imagined the kind of pain he must be in, she had to swallow down bile. She couldn’t even tell he was hurting.
“It looks better already. Less angry.”
“It feels better, too.”
She applied the balm, then wrapped fresh gauze and bandages around his middle so he wouldn’t lose the medicine as soon as he lay down. Her fingers lingered on the course material of the wrap, then she trailed it down his stomach.
He flinched away when her hand brushed the elastic waist of his athletic shorts.
“I’m going to bed,” she said, to lift the tension. The sting of rejection didn’t hurt yet, but it would, and when it did, she wanted to be alone in her bedroom with the door closed so he wouldn’t see how much he affected her.
“’Night,” he murmured in a quiet voice.
Closing her door, she leaned her forehead against the wood. Inner horny bear had taken to wearing oversized flannel pajamas and eating chocolate pudding under a blanket as she’d been rebuffed time and time again by Chase this week.
“Anya,” Chase said, knocking softly.
Frowning, she stood back and opened the door. He stared at her forehead, probably at the red mark she’d likely just made from leaning against it while pining like a fool.
“I brought you this,” he said in a gruff voice. He handed her a glass of ice water and strode away.
Okay. She took a sip and jumped when his door slammed closed down the hall. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and set the drink on the bedside table near the lamp. The drawers creaked as she put away her clothes and when she turned around, Chase was standing in her doorway again, looking utterly lost. Opening his mouth to say something, he hesitated and abrup
tly left.
The plush mattress sank under her as she perched on it and waited.
He reappeared in the doorway. “I don’t like you sleeping in here, away from me. I want you to sleep in my bed, but I’m not sure if you’re ready.”
Gathering her patience, she asked, “Can I be the one to decide when I’m ready, and for what?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Baffled, she patted the bed and the mattress bowed as he sat beside her. “You haven’t done anything to hurt me, Chase.” Except push her away, but she had a feeling he was trying to help, not hurt her.
“You’ve been abused,” he said simply.
“I never went to bed with Nathan unwilling, if that’s what you think. I wasn’t forced.”
His voice dipped to a whisper. “But did you want to? Every time you were with him, did you want to be? Or were you there because he demanded it?”
The question confused her even more about what she had thought her relationship with Nathan had been. “I thought I loved him once, but no. Not every time.”
“Which is why I don’t know if you’re ready for all of me, Anya. I won’t demand you be in my bed, and you still act as if you think pleasing me revolves around satisfying me in the bedroom. I don’t want to push you.”
“I want to please you because I like seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. I like when you compliment me, or give me that proud look when I do something well in training. I want more from you intimately because I want to be close to you, Chase. Not because I’m trained to need sex. I just want it from you. I want you to hold me and make me forget about everything but us. I feel ready to be yours, but if you don’t think I am, I’m okay with waiting until you are comfortable. I know I’m…I know I have baggage, and it’s a lot for you to handle. It’s not fair of me to come into your life and ask you to deal with all of this, but I’ll keep working on being better.”
“Jesus, Anya,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I just didn’t want to break you. You should be stronger before having another relationship like that with a man. I want you to make the decision on being with me or not. Not just because I’m the first man who was nice to you, or because I took you into my home. I want you to pick me because I’m it for you.”
The chasm that stretched between them was too much, so she straddled his hips and wrapped her arms around the back of his neck. He didn’t balk against her, so she scooted closer until his already hardened erection was pressed against her shorts. Helpless to Chase’s draw, she shuddered and leaned into him. A low growl came from his throat, but the sound was filled with desire and didn’t scare her.
“I choose you because you’re everything I want. You were kind to me and yes, you did take me into your home. But you also trusted me, put me into training because you believed in me, you treated me like your equal. You took me on the best date of my life.”
“It was your only date,” he said in a half-hearted argument.
“No other could ever compare. You make me happy, can’t you see that? When I’m working, I count the hours until I get to see you again. Sometimes I get so excited to see you, I can’t speak because I’m afraid of what will come out.” She eased back and allowed to see the emotion in her filling eyes. “I choose you because I love you. Not the blind love I was taught to have for an alpha who didn’t deserve my loyalty, but the soul-consuming, burning, safe-feeling, nail-biting, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you kind of love.”
He rocked back, as if he would deny her admission—like she couldn’t be talking about him—but his eyes grew determined and his lips crashed onto hers. He pulled her hair until her lips were tilted up at an angle for him, then dipped his tongue against hers. The brush of his fingertips burned trails down her skin as he touched her neck, then yanked at her shirt over her head. His eyes smoldered as he dropped his gaze to her breasts. How could he make her feel so beautiful with just a glance?
She’d been waiting to feel her skin against his, and she melted against him. His chest was warm and taut against the softness of her breasts, and she rocked her hips against his. He groaned and launched her upward, then ripped her pants down to her ankles, and waited as she kicked out of them. The elastic of his shorts gave as she tugged them downward, and she lowered to her knees.
“You don’t have to do that,” he rasped, his eyes burning.
“Please, I want to.” She’d wanted to take him in her mouth, to taste him, for days and wasn’t above begging. He’d been so selfless with giving her pleasure but hadn’t allowed her to return the favor, and triumph surged through her when he nodded his head. He shucked his pants the rest of the way, unsheathing himself completely.
His length was intimidating and she ran a reverent hand up the length of it. Chase’s hips flexed with the motion and he leaned his head back, exposing the thick cords of muscle in his neck. This masculine, powerful man was finally letting her touch him the way she wanted—the way she’d craved.
Licking her lips to wet them, she took his head into her mouth and circled him with her tongue, teasing. A guttural growl rippled through him and his hips jerked. Sitting back on her heels, she held him with both hands and lowered him into the back of her mouth, stroking long and slow until he pushed against her rhythmically. His hard abs flexed with each thrust, and when his hand wrapped in her hair, she knew she had him.
“Anya,” he rasped, as the first warm, salty shot ran down the back of her throat. Throbbing, he stilled and yelled out as he found his release, and she reveled in her newfound confidence.
She climbed into his lap and curled against him, content that she’d finally been able to touch and taste him. His strong arms wrapped around her and held her so tightly, like he never wanted to let go. Nuzzling his chest, she smiled against the warm skin there.
“You’re feeling pretty proud of yourself, aren’t you?” Chase asked. The sound of his rich, baritone voice vibrated through his sternum and against her cheek.
“Yes,” she gushed. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”
“Mmm. What else have you wanted to do?”
She eased back to get a better view of his lips as he formed his tantalizing words. “You know what else.”
“Well, I can’t play just now, woman. You drained me.” He chuckled, but then his eyes darkened and the smile fell away. “Anya, is there anything you don’t want to do?”
The question drew her up short, and she frowned at the sudden change in his mood. She didn’t understand.
“Did Nathan do anything you didn’t like, that you wouldn’t enjoy with me?”
Oh, that. Chase should know her history and her heart. As scary as it was to let him in on her secrets, she wanted him to know all of her. “He liked to take me on my hands and knees while he watched other women. They would kiss, fondle, or sometimes just sit there, and he liked to use me to empty himself into. It usually hurt and I could never finish like that.”
Chase’s jaw clenched and he looked away. As seconds passed, and the shaking in his breath settled, he turned a careful gaze back to her. “Do you want to try that with me?”
“Will it hurt?”
“I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Anya.”
He’d asked if there was anything she didn’t want to do, and she’d told him, so why was he up for trying it with her? She obviously didn’t do it right and she wasn’t looking forward to the pain. But he seemed resolved to try for some unknown reason, and she trusted him. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad with a man she loved. “Okay.”
He lay back, pulling her on top of him until she straddled his hips. With a strong grip, he placed her open palms on either side of his face and arched up to kiss her. She wanted to lay against him, to feel his skin against her, but he repositioned her on her palms and knees again with patient hands. Then he kissed her again, slowly. Biting her bottom lip, he adjusted his hips until his erection, now rising again, rested on the opening of her sex.
He was so close, so warm and she rocked until t
he head of his shaft dipped inside of her. His hands gripped her waist and stilled her movement. He slid down the bed under her, trailing kisses along her neck until he reached her breasts. Sucking one into his mouth and flicking the hardened nipple with his tongue, he massaged the other with gentle affection. She groaned at the sensation and bucked forward longingly, pressing him inside her again. He allowed it, and his fingers dug into her hips like he couldn’t help himself. Just as she thought she couldn’t stay on her hands and knees anymore, he slid down further until his mouth reached her slick folds, and he thrust his tongue inside of her.
Her arms were beginning to shake and her legs, bent at ninety degree angles, were numbing with every minute of his affectionate attention that passed. A needy noise wrenched from her chest and he slid out from under her completely. When he was positioned behind her, he rubbed her backside and trailed biting kisses down her neck. A swell of anticipation filled her. Fear and excitement rolled into one mass of churning emotion inside of her.
This was already different. He was taking his time, making sure she was ready for him. She could feel him now, the tip of his warm cock pressed between her legs, and she shuddered hard enough to shake her shoulders. She wanted this.
Softly, against the back of her neck, he whispered, “Down on your elbows.”
She was already swaying forward and back with him, but kept her mind enough to do as he asked. Lowering herself down, her breath hitched as he slid into her slowly, filling her until she felt engorged with him. He pulled out and filled her again, but this time, the palm of his hand slid between her legs, and he pressed his fingers against her clit.
She groaned again as the sensation filled her, spreading until it took her stomach and warmed her arms.
“Look at me,” he rumbled against the sensitive edge of her ear.
“How?” she asked, turning her face.
