by Carla Krae
I nodded, smiling.
“So I found an all-night market, and I’m pushing my cart about, working through a new melody in my head--”
“And not paying attention.”
“Hey, my story, wench. Pushing my cart around a corner—maybe a bit too fast—and it bumps into the cart of a beautiful woman. Now, me being me, I was definitely going to chat you up, smooth things over…and then you said my name. Only you and Mum ever called me Jacob, but I couldn’t believe this was little Bethie. No glasses, no frumpy clothes, five inches taller…I had to know what made you into the vision I saw before me.”
“How long had it been?” This was definitely different than what I remembered.
“I was twenty-five, so, seven years.”
Right after graduation. I never dated this man. “You thought you could get in my pants.”
“No. Well, I thought about trying…but I really was curious about what you’d been up to since I moved away. So, we get our groceries and I convince you to stop at a diner with me.”
“And then?”
“We talked, all night. And I knew I had to see you again. Being the stubborn woman you are you only gave me your e-mail—bloody insulting, by the way—and wouldn’t let me escort you home.”
“First time a woman turned you down?”
“Wasn’t somethin’ I was used to. I didn’t get to see you in the flesh again until you were hired to shoot the band and me a couple months later. It wasn’t easy squeezing into your schedule, you know. But, I did, and we had dinner, and more dinners, and then I married you two years ago.”
“While I was pregnant,” I said, the timeline clicking in my head.
“It’s not like you were showing in your dress, love. You looked bloody gorgeous. Thought your dad was going to kill me when Allison was born seven months later, though.”
I tilted my head back to smile at him. “Are you still scared of my dad?”
“No…well, theoretically. God forbid I ever screw up and hurt you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, his expression growing more serious. “You know I’ll never hurt you, though, don’t you?”
I scanned his face, seeing only love and devotion in his gaze. “Yeah, I do.”
I flicked my eyes to his mouth before tilting my head up and softly kissing him. It was the first touch I’d initiated since I arrived. He moaned in pleasure, causing a thrill of satisfaction to course through me. We parted when we needed air, smiling at each other.
“Tell me what I did to impress you.”
“Hmm, I think it was how you grabbed the reins of your life and took what you wanted. You told me that night in the diner how your mother impressed you with her strength during her illness, fighting the cancer, and how she urged you to live life to the fullest, go for your dreams. You shared what photography meant to you and the places you’d been, people that made an impact through your lens, and I thought, this is a girl that understands what it means to be an artist. Then I remembered how you never laughed at the poems I wrote for English, or my songs, and realized you’d always supported me while bossing me about with my studies…it just all came together. I just knew I’d never meet another woman like you.”
“You’re good,” I said, grinning.
“I meant every word.”
I turned all the way around, so I lay on top of him. “I know.” I stretched toward his ear and whispered, “Take me to bed, Jacob.”
He kissed me in response. His arms tightened around me, hands sliding under my shirt as I ground against him. I had the brief thought of what am I doing, before surrendering to his attentions and twining my tongue with his. I wanted this even if it wasn’t real.
We made out like eager teenagers, until he somehow managed to pick me up and start carrying me upstairs and set me on the bed.
He pulled my shirt over my head. I was wearing one of alt-Beth’s most conservative bras, which were far from matronly. Alt-Beth reveled in her sexuality as a married woman. Everything in her drawer was silky or lacy or see-through. I thought the value of basic cotton was highly underrated.
Soon, I was naked, at the point of no return. Did I want to know how well he could love me? His expression was naked, completely open. He loved me, really loved me, even if I wasn’t her and…I didn’t want to cry, so I smiled and took him in my arms.
We fit perfectly together, every memory of before bursting out of the gate I’d locked them behind. He made love to me, all with that look of adoration. It was beautiful, he was beautiful, and I thought I could die. It seemed like hours. I didn’t care about the time. There wasn’t a bit of skin not kissed or touched. I loved him back, even while part of me mourned that reality didn’t have this.
I lay in the dark afterward, watching him sleep with tears rolling down my cheeks. It was too perfect, too beautiful, too close to what I’d lost. I needed to wake up before it got too painful to.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I love you…but this isn’t real, and dreams aren’t meant to last forever.”
I kissed his brow very softly, then lay down and closed my eyes, knowing in my heart morning would bring me back to real life.
Chapter Nine
Jacob awoke and sighed. Beth’s eyes were closed, her body in the same position as the last two days. The sun came in too brightly through the hospital window, so he stood and fiddled with the blinds to cut off some of the light. He’d only left the hospital once when the nurses made him go home yesterday and take a shower. Came right back and resumed his vigil in the chair beside her bed.
Looking at the clock, he groaned. It was only seven.
“Jake… Look, it’s admirable you want to stay by the girl’s side, but you do have an album to promote.”
Oh, wonderful…it was his manager. “It can wait. Get the rest of the band to do it.”
“Jake, she’s just a PA. I’m sure someone will call if--”
“She’s more than that,” he snapped.
“Jake, you have responsibilities to your career, and they don’t even know when she might wake up! Are you just going to sit here wasting your time indefinitely?”
“I’m not leavin’. Postpone everything or you can find another client.”
“Fine. You want to flush your career down the toilet over some employee…” His manager shook his head in disgust and stormed out.
Jacob dropped his head to the bed once they were alone again. He took Beth’s hand, stroking her fingers.
“Don’t listen to him, love. You do matter, Bethie. I know you don’t think much of me sometimes, but all this wouldn’t be the same without you. I’d probably be runnin’ around wondering where I left my head. I promise--”
“Mr. Lindsey? If you could step out for a few minutes…” the nurse requested.
He nodded, used to the routine by now. The nurse would come in and shoo him out for ten or fifteen minutes. He couldn’t smoke in the hospital, so he settled for getting a cup of coffee from the cafeteria. Didn’t have much of an appetite. Mr. Lawson was waiting outside Beth’s room when he returned.
“I appreciate your support of my daughter, son, but you don’t have to stay here ‘round the clock. No offense, but you look like hell.”
“Thanks. She’d be here, though, if the situation was reversed.”
Mr. Lawson nodded. “Elizabeth was always the caretaker type. As a little girl, she was always bringing home some stray creature to nurse back to health. But I mean what I said about taking care of yourself. She’ll be mad if you get sick because of her.”
“I’m used to it,” he said, smiling.
The nurse came out and wished them a good morning. They looked at the door with trepidation. It became more of a disappointment every time they saw Beth lying there so still.
Jacob let out a breath and reached for the handle first.
“Hey,” Beth croaked. Her voice was hoarse from lack of use.
“You’re awake!”
Her eyes flicked to the doorway. “Daddy?”
&nbs
p; “It’s good to see you, Elizabeth.”
“I wanna go home,” she said, then looked at Jacob. “Could you ask the doctor when I can leave, please?”
He nodded. “I’ll give you some time to catch up.”
****
Dad edged nearer to my bed, stopping short of being within reach. “You gave us quite a scare, sweetheart.” He’d aged since the last time I saw him, which was normal, but surprising to my mental image of him. Thinner, too.
“What happened?”
“You were broadsided by some idiot who blew out a red light. They brought you here, set your arm, put a few screws in your leg, and patched up your head. You’re gonna feel generally banged up for a while.”
“I imagine so. Could I have some water?”
He handed me a cup. “Sip it slowly. What did the nurse say?”
“She told me where I was and not to try moving. Was I out long?”
“Two and a half days.”
I picked at the blanket with my good hand. “Thanks for sticking around, Dad. I know this can’t have been easy for you.”
He reached forward and took my hand. “No, but it’s where I needed to be. Your brother will be happy to know you’re awake, too. He’d be here, but Darcy is too far along in her pregnancy to fly. I said I’d call if there was a change. Your friend has been here the whole time, though. The nurses had to force him to go home and change clothes.”
“You talk to Andrew now?” We’d been close since Mom died, but he never brought up Dad, not in so many words.
“Not every day…but enough. He, uh, made the first move. More, since they found out your sister-in-law is pregnant. You two didn’t talk about…”
“I, uh, didn’t really want to. I’m sorry for being stubborn. It was stupid. I should have accepted you were grieving in your own way. Mom wasn’t mad, so…” I stopped, embarrassed. “I don’t want to be mad anymore.”
“I know…I’m sorry, too. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’d do different.” He sat on the edge of my bed next to my good leg. “So, I have some vacation time stored up. I can help with your recovery? The house is open enough for crutches or a wheelchair.”
I looked up and smiled. “I’d like that.”
There was a knock on the door before it opened, shifting our attention. “Hello, I’m Dr. Bodner. I hear you’re ready to get out of here.”
“Yes! If I’m allowed.”
“Well, we’ll run a few tests to make sure, but if everything pans out, we can have you discharged in a few hours. I’ll send you home with some instructions and we can arrange for an in-home nurse if someone can’t stay with you. You’re going to have to take better care of yourself, Miss Lawson.”
“She’s coming home with me,” Dad said.
“Alright, then. Miss Lawson, let’s get you wheeled down to X-ray.”
A nurse followed the doctor in with a wheelchair. They lifted me into the chair, keeping my damaged leg propped up. The IV stand came with us.
Jacob stood outside the door as they wheeled me out. “It’s so good to see you awake, love.”
“Thank you. I’m going to recuperate at Dad’s, okay?”
“Of course, yeah. However you’re most comfortable, Beth. Anything you need to get well, a nurse, physical therapy, it’s yours.”
“Thanks. I’ll catch up on work soon.”
“They’re waiting for us, Miss Lawson,” the nurse said.
My eyes were on my lap as the nurse guided me down the hall to the elevators. Looking in his eyes was the last thing I wanted to do right now.
This Jacob didn’t love me.
The doctor made me stay in the hospital overnight for observation. I had some low-grade signs of infection, so they gave me a course of antibiotics. My body wasn’t in perfect health when I came in, the doc telling me I was underweight and undernourished.
Jacob was in my room when they wheeled me back in. He waited to speak until I’d been put back in bed.
“Hey.” He snapped his guitar case closed on the chair.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry about your mother. I didn’t know.”
Not what I expected him to bring up. “Your mom never told you?”
“We didn’t talk about you anymore after you cut me out of your life.”
“Oh. I get that. I didn’t talk about you, either.” I didn’t talk about much of anything besides class work. “Yeah, the tumor came back. She thought she could get away with just having it removed—she was wrong.”
“I’m sorry. I know you were close.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat I always felt when thinking of her. “Yeah. On the plus side, I got to know Andrew better. So, you’ve been here all day?”
“Since they called me about the car accident. Threw me for a loop when they explained I was your emergency contact. The flowers over there are from the guys.”
It was a cheery mixed bouquet in multiple colors. Several vases were in the room, making me wonder when I got so popular. “Ah. Thank them for me. Sorry you were put on the spot. I never expected that to come into use.”
“Didn’t know you trusted me that much.”
“I see you every day and live in your guest house. Andrew is in Virginia.”
The light in his eyes dimmed. “Oh. A proximity thing, eh?”
“Yeah.” God, this was awkward. I didn’t know what to say to him anymore, especially when I felt vulnerable like this.
“Are you hungry? I could order in.”
“They probably don’t allow that.”
“They don’t allow visitors to stay all night. That didn’t stop me, either. You want healthy stuff, or do I go for Fudge Brownie ice cream?”
I smiled. “Let’s not make my doctor throw you out. I already got scolded for my diet.”
He squeezed my good hand and walked to the door. “Back in a few.”
When he came back with to-go boxes, I pretended to be asleep. As sweet as he was being today, I just couldn’t deal with being in the same room. The dream had un-scabbed old wounds and I hurt. I heard him set the food within my reach and pick up his guitar case. His lips brushed my forehead then he left, shutting the door.
Alone again, I cried.
The next morning, I went home for the first time in years.
Home…just Dad’s house, now. The ranch-style single-story looked the same, but my mother’s absence was glaringly obvious. Being in the house and looking at my leg, it occurred to us a live-in nurse was necessary. I couldn’t get to the toilet or bathe by myself, yet. My father blushed and stammered over the subject.
“It’s okay, Dad. I didn’t expect you to help with that stuff. I’m not a baby anymore, so…”
“Yes, exactly. I’ll just go call the number they gave us.”
I smiled as he left the room, though it faded quickly when memories of my dream resurfaced and I stared out at the backyard through the den window. The grass was still neatly mowed, but the flowers needed tending.
I thought back to what Dream-Jacob said about Mom beating cancer and encouraging me to live, to follow my dreams. Would I have chosen a different path if Mom hadn’t died?
Looking back on it, I could see I let grief drive away my passion, my will to do anything but survive. I gave up on my relationship, chose a responsible major, buried myself in studies, then buried myself in work. Jacob’s offer had been the ultimate opportunity to be too busy to think--except I was always thinking. I still had dreams, but I convinced myself they’d never happen. And friends? Well, there was Maria. A few PAs I commiserated with.
I hid like a scared little mouse. “Not anymore,” I muttered.
“You say something, honey?” Dad asked, entering the room.
“Just thinking out loud. I’ve missed you.”
His eyes glistened. “I’ve missed you, too, Elizabeth, more than you’ll ever know. I should have tried to reach out more often--”
“No, it was me… I wanted to hold on to being hurt,
because…because it was like holding on to her. I was afraid…that…that if I felt better, it meant I was forgetting, or loved her less…and that was stupid.”
He knelt beside my wheelchair and clasped my good hand. “It’s not stupid, sweetheart. Everyone has that fear when they lose someone. I’m just sorry I didn’t help you through that. I thought letting you go your own way was the adult thing to do. You’d hardly needed anyone’s help for years.” He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “You’ve always been so smart and capable.”
If he only knew what a mess the last three years had been.
“You’re different now.” I don’t know when I’d ever heard him speak that many words in a row before.
“I have to be or I’ll lose my kids. I’ve always been proud of you, Beth. And I know you don’t want to be babied by your old man, but I’m going to help you recover, alright? Get you back on your feet in tip-top shape.”
I wrinkled up my nose. “I’ll just be happy when they let me on crutches. Having my leg sticking out like this is really inconvenient.”
He stood, smoothing his slacks. “Well, they’re sending over the nurse today. Apparently, that friend of yours already put the fear of God in them to send you the best, so they were expecting my call. You must have made quite an impression on that kid over the years.”
I rolled my eyes. “Twenty-eight is hardly a kid, Dad. Jacob just wants me at work. He’s lost without my help.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m his assistant. Like a secretary, except I go where he goes. I run his life. It’s grueling, believe me.”
“Does he treat you well?”
“Can we save the third degree for when or if I actually go back to work? I’m not running to Starbucks any time soon.”
He had the grace to look chagrined. “Sorry, sweetheart. A father can’t help being protective of his little girl, even when she’s not so little anymore. Are you hungry? I can make sandwiches.”
Shouldn’t get cross with him when he’s just being curious—I did keep him from knowing the past seven years of my life.
I glanced at the time on the VCR. “It’s lunchtime already? I guess it would be a good idea. I’m supposed to take my meds with food.” Besides the pain medication, I had a full arsenal of vitamin pills to swallow. Just three days in the hospital made me lose more weight.
