Network, see Noel’s HQ
New Year resolutions, 1
New York, 1
News at Ten, 1, 2
Newton, Sir Isaac, 1
nightclubs, 1, 2
Nineteen Eighty-Four, 1
Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Nine: Portillo Abuse, 1
Noel’s HQ, 1
Noggin the Nog, see Postgate, Oliver
NSFW phraseology gliding into Portillo’s ear as taxi trundles by, 1
numbered pages, 1
Nuts TV, 1
Obama, Barack, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Oddie, Bill, 1
Ofcom, 1, 2
‘Oh yes’, see Churchill the Nodding Dog
Oliver, Jamie, 1, 2
Olympic games, 1
Omaar, Rageh; creates quietly angry war documentary, 1;
tucks into Heston Blumenthal concoction, says yum a lot, forgets about war for a while and let’s face it who can blame him, 1
orange bibs, 1
The Orange Box, 1
other people’s misery, 1
Pac-Man, 1
Paddick, Brian: runs for Mayor of London, 1; reveals backside, 1;
guzzles liquidised kangaroo penis beside former kids’ TV presenter, 1
Palin, Sarah, 1
Panorama, 1
Parry, Bruce, 1
Pasquale, Joe, 1, 2
pets, 1
pillock, see President Pillock
PINs, 1
pirates, 1
playlists, 1, 2
‘plinthers’ (Trafalgar Square), 1
Pogle’s Wood, see Postgate, Oliver
pointlessness of everything, 1, 2, 3
Poliakoff, Stephen, 1, 2
politicians, endemic lack of respect for public, 1
Portillo, Michael, 1
Portillo on Thatcher: The Lady’s Not for Spurning, 1
posh twits, 1
Postgate, Oliver, 1
potato crisp flavours, 1
President Dunderhead, see Bush, George W.
President Hollywood, 1
President Pillock, see Bush, George W.
Price, Katie, see Jordan. Also: get some air.
product placement, 1
pseudoscience, see Brain Gym
pubic hair, 1, 2
Queen, the, 1, 2
Quigg, Eoghan (X Factor), 1
rage, seasonal, 1
Rageh Omaar: Iraq by Numbers, 1
random page numbers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Ramsay, Gordon, 1, 2
rats, 1
really nasties, see what sort of God lets something like that roam the Earth?
Rhys-Mayers, Jonathan, 1
Richie, Shane, 1
Rhydian, see The X Factor
Road Rash, 1
road trip, USA, 1
romance, 1, 2
Ross, Jonathan, 1, 2, 3
Ross Kemp: In Search of Pirates, 1
rude pig action, see animal sex
Rumsfield, Donald, 1
Sachs, Andrew, 1
sadness, terrible, 1
salad (will it be?), 1
Santa, death of, 1
Scene Stealers, 1
School Dinners, 1
Scooby-Doo, 1
Scottish Sunday Express, 1
Scrabble, 1
Sealink ferries, enlivened by newsreader’s crotch, 1
search-engine optimisation, 1
Seinfeld, 1
The Sentinel, 1
seminal fluid erupting from glans fails to rescue owner from psychological void, 1
serial killers, 1, 2, 3, 4
The Seven Ages of Rock, 1
sex on the farm, see animal sex
The Sex Education Show, 1
shambling incompetence, 1
shouting a rude word at Michael Portillo circa 1999, 1
Sissons, Peter, 1, 2
skiing, 1
Skins, 1
Sky News, 1; stares at a door, presumably at great expense, 1, 2, 3, 4
Smith, Dame Maggie, 1
smoking, 1, 2, 3, 4
Spanish Flu: The Forgotten Fallen, 1
Spears, Britney, 1, 2, 3
spiders, 1
Springwatch, 1
Spotify, 1
Star Wars, 1, 2, 3, 4
‘stock market’, 1
Stop the Express, 1
Straw, Jack; effectively told to fuck off, 1;
effectively told to fuck off again, 1
Street-Porter, Janet, 1
Sugar, Sir Alan, 1; attractiveness of, 1;
oversees ridiculous interview process, 1;
likened to Bob Hoskins, 1;
unnecessarily puerile suggestion, 1
Super Mario Galaxy, 1
Swash, Joe, 1, 2
Tarrant, Chris, 1
Tatler, 1, 2
technophilia, 1, 2
Teeeeeechmarsh, Alan, see Titchmarsh, Alan. Also: don’t be silly.
Tekken, 1, 2
terrifying beauty of author, 1
Tetris, 1
Thatcher, Carole, 1
Thatcher, Margaret, 1
things to do before you die, 1
things you don’t want to see billowing ominously on the horizon just as you pull into the Homebase carpark to buy a new barbecue because it was sunny today but now that’s well and truly torn it, see mushroom clouds
Threads, 1
Timequake (novel), 1
Titchmarsh, Alan, 1
To Catch a Predator, 1
Tomb Raider, 1
Tonight with Sir Trevor McDonald, 1
tonsillitis, 1
Tories, 1, 2, 3
Tribal Wives, 1
Tribe, 1
Trump, Donald, 1
The Tudors, 1
Turner, Anthea, 1
TV fakery, 1, 2
Twitter, 1, 2
Uchea, Charley, see Charley (Big Brother)
UFO: Enemy Unknown, 1
unimpressive notion, 1
Unvalentine’s Day, 1
Vaz, Keith, 1
Vice-President MILF, see Palin, Sarah
videogames, 1, 2
Vinewood Cunts, 1
virtual Olympics, 1
Visions of the Future, 1
vomit, see emetophobia
Vonnegut, Kurt, 1
Walsh, Louis, 1
wasters, 1
Wheel of Hate, 1
wife, checklist for, 1
windpipe in the gutter (I know, I know: it’s serious), 1
what sort of God lets something like that roam the Earth?, see spiders
The Wire, 1, 2
women rise up, 1
words, sung aloud at Shane Richie, 1; all the remaining words in the book after that bit, 1
The X Factor, 1, 2, 3, 4
X-rated terminology bellowed at Portillo from speeding car, 1
XXX Farmyard Fun, see animal sex
yearning, see chips (let’s hope so)
you ruined my life, 1
you’d best not forget them or mark my words there’ll be hell to pay, 1
Young Mums’ Mansion, 1
youth: nothing but trouble, 1, 2;
punishments for, 1;
making TV programmes for, 1, 2
zest for life (lack of) unaffected by orgasm, 1
zerotoleriddance: made-up term describing public appetite stretched to very limit, 1
Zzz Mein Führer, 1
About the Author
Charlie Brooker is a writer, presenter and self-indulgent crybaby. He writes for the Guardian and was voted Columnist of the Year at the 2009 British Press Awards. Televisual cultural artefacts he’s shat out include the Royal Television Society award-winning Screenwipe, as well as Newswipe, Nathan Barley, You Have Been Watching and the zombie horror miniseries Dead Set, for which he received a BAFTA nomination. Not an award though. No. That went to someone else. Physically, Brooker resembles a cross between a white Laurence Fishburne, a paedophile walrus, and a scowling pork knuckle. He lives in Lo
ndon and is silly.
by the same author
Screen Burn
Dawn of the Dumb
Copyright
First published in 2009
by Faber and Faber Ltd
Bloomsbury House
74–77 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2009
All rights reserved
© Charlie Brooker, 2009
The right of Charlie Brooker to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly
ISBN 978–0–571–25552–8 [epub edition]
The Hell of it All Page 41
