Now she was glad she hadn’t.
Even though the city was still in a blackout, it was no longer impossible to get around, at least not for her. The fact that the rain had somewhat subsided had improved the graveness of the situation.
However, a lot of families and their homes were in shambles, without counting the problems associated with the total blackout. Many houses and vehicles had been demolished under the onslaught of the hard rains and the mud slides. Possessions could be replaced. The toll on the human spirit could not be. Many who were injured would never recover, nor would some aspects of the town itself. The residents would carry scars for a long time.
Amanda was also on that casualty list, though for a different reason. Her property may have come through unscathed, but not her psyche.
She maneuvered her car into the garage, and after entering the small but cozy house she’d recently purchased, she didn’t think she could put one foot before the other. She had never been this wiped out.
Or this frightened, not even when Noah had told her he was leaving her.
Opening the drawer inside the utility room, Amanda removed a big flashlight, then several candles. Shortly, the living room area was aglow with a soft light. For as long as she was going to be there, this make-do measure would suffice.
Her gaze quickly perused the large room, which encompassed the kitchen and breakfast nook, making sure everything was indeed intact, that there were no leaking ceilings. It was. But the relief she should have felt was not there. Her entire being was consumed with only one thought.
What if—No. She wouldn’t think about Noah’s lab results, not now. First she would shower, change into clean clothes and hopefully sleep for thirty minutes. Afterward, she’d be in better shape to cope with those shattering thoughts.
Twenty minutes later she had done what she’d set out to do and was sitting on the couch, feet curled under her. Instead of sleeping, she was sipping on a cup of French vanilla coffee. Although the urge to stretch out on her soft, flower-patterned sofa and close her eyes was strong, she knew that gesture would be a waste of time.
Even if she could close her eyes, which she doubted, sleep wouldn’t follow. Her mind was consumed with Noah and the “what if” game her mind continued to play.
Why had she given in to Carl’s demands? she asked herself. Suddenly, she wanted to play kickball with her rear for leaving the premises. What if Noah came looking for her? What if he needed her?
Forget that.
Knowing Noah the way she did, he wouldn’t seek her out or anyone else. He would distance himself from everyone and do whatever he had to do. Amanda quickly put her cup aside and clutched her stomach. Bending over, she fought off a wave of nausea.
That was when the phone rang. She jumped, then stared at it sitting on the secretary across the room. It rang three times, one short of the machine picking it up, before she trudged over and lifted the receiver.
It was Gordon. She bit back a groan.
“I hope you weren’t asleep,” he said.
“I wasn’t.”
“When I called the hospital, I couldn’t believe it when they said you’d gone home.”
“Not for long. Carl insisted I go.”
“Has something happened that you’re not telling me?” She heard the alarm in his tone and regretted it. In fact, she regretted everything about their relationship.
“No,” she lied, not at all repentant.
“Just the ongoing craziness, right?”
“Right, which is why I have to get back.”
She heard his deep sigh through the line. “Now? You’re going back now?”
“Not this minute, but shortly.”
“I was hoping I could come over.”
She didn’t respond.
“It seems like forever since we’ve had any time together.”
“Gordon, please, don’t start that ‘poor me’ routine.”
“That’s how you make me feel.”
There was a petulant ring to his voice that set Amanda’s teeth on edge and made her want to slam down the receiver. But knowing he was getting a raw deal, she got a grip on her emotions.
“I get the idea I’m being brushed off. That’s a damn uncomfortable feeling, especially from your fiancée.”
“I’m not your fiancée,” she flung.
“Well, you practically are.”
She bit back a sharp retort, then said as calmly as possible, “On that subject, I don’t appreciate you confronting Noah.”
“So he told you, huh?” His tone was bitter. “That figures.”
“I never promised to marry you, Gordon. And you know that.”
An unfriendly silence followed as her soft but firm words apparently hit their target. She could picture him in her mind’s eye, his face flushed and his mouth pinched, struggling for a suitable comeback.
“So I spoke a bit out of turn,” Gordon finally said, a defensive edge to his voice. “But I can’t believe you were ever in love with that guy. If anyone needs an attitude adjustment, it’s him.” He paused. “Thank heavens he’s no longer part of your life.”
Amanda clamped down on her lower lip to stop it from trembling, hating the tangled mess her life had become.
“If you don’t mind, we need to talk about this later. I have to go.” This time she paused. “Until then, please refrain from telling anyone else we’re getting married.”
“All right, if that’s the way you want it.”
“I’ll call you later, okay?”
Before he could reply, she hung up, then hastened to the candle by the window. She leaned over and was about to blow it out when the doorbell rang.
She stared at the flickering light a moment longer, then straightened. If that was Doris, she’d kill her. More than likely she, too, had called the hospital and found out that Amanda had taken a short sabbatical.
Amanda strode to the door, but she didn’t open it. “Doris, is that you?”
“No, it’s me.”
Noah!
“Amanda, let me in.”
“I don’t think—”
“Dammit, it’s beginning to rain like hell again.”
Her head was spinning. “I was about to leave to go back to the hospital.”
“This won’t take long.”
“Is it about the lab test?”
“Amanda! Surely you don’t expect me to answer that on the doorstep?”
She didn’t want him to tell her alone, in her own home, either. Yet, without saying another word, she yanked on the doorknob, then stood aside while he walked past her.
“You want a towel?” she asked, following him into the living room, her gaze taking in his drenched body. Moistening her lips, she dragged her eyes away.
“No, I’ll be all right.”
His hoarse tone brought her head up. They stared at each other then, both conscious of the intimacy and the seriousness of the situation.
Amanda’s head ached while Noah looked like the grim reaper.
Oh, God, if he told her…
“He tested negative.”
At first she wasn’t sure she’d heard him, his voice was so low and gruff, his face so intent. He seemed to realize that she hadn’t comprehended because he repeated his words.
Amanda felt the color surge back into her face, along with a feeling of relief so profound she felt weak to the core. “Thank God.”
“I’ll have to be retested in six months, but for now I’m one more lucky bastard to have dodged that bullet.”
“That you are.” Her voice was thick and unsteady.
“So what now?” he asked, his blue eyes pinning her.
“I’m…going back to the hospital.”
“We have to talk.”
“I’ve already told you, we—”
“Do us both a favor for once and stop lying to yourself.” His mouth worked with emotion. “And to me.”
She hugged herself. “Please, I can’t…do this.”
“Do w
hat?” His eyes were pleading now.
“You know what.”
“Let me back into your life?”
“Yes.”
“Can we sit down?”
“I should get back to the hospital,” she said, her breathing quickening.
“I told Carl not to expect you back.”
Her lips twisted bitterly, and she shook her head. “Your arrogance never ceases to amaze me.”
“Trust me, I—”
She laughed—a hyper, empty laugh. “Trust you? Now, that’s priceless. And the last thing I should do.”
“I deserved that, I know,” Noah said, lowering his body onto the sofa.
She stood helplessly by and watched as he stretched his long legs out in front of him, which in turn tightened his jeans over his crotch area. She averted her gaze, though she knew he was aware of the color that stained her cheeks a bright red.
“Amanda.” His cry was anguished.
“Regardless of how I feel, you’re not going to leave, are you?”
“No.”
She walked to the window, keeping her back to him as much for her protection as anything. This was so hard, she thought, barely keeping her tears at bay. Why did he have to come back and torment her this way? Suddenly, she wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.
If only she was in love with Gordon. But she wasn’t and never would be. Because she had never stopped loving Noah. Though her knees wanted to buckle under the weight of that admission, they didn’t. By sheer force of will, she remained upright and rigid.
“Amanda, I’ll never hurt you again.”
She made an unladylike noise.
“This is not easy for me, either.” His tone was harsh.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
He didn’t respond.
“I could just walk out and leave you,” she said, still not turning around.
“That you could.”
“And you wouldn’t stop me?”
“No.”
Amanda left the window and made her way to the couch, where she sank onto the other end of it, knowing she might as well get this agony behind her. Somehow, she’d get through this ordeal, like she’d gotten through the others.
And really, this was best. There was a chance she wouldn’t leave Vanderbilt, after all. And if she did, she might want to return someday. In order for that to be possible, she had to bring closure to this “thing” with Noah. Seeing him again, touching him again, kissing him again, had made that a must.
The day of reckoning had come.
“I’m listening. Say what you have to say.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“It’s not a pretty story.”
“I didn’t think it was.”
“It’s not a short one, either.”
Amanda felt her frustration mount. She must be out of her mind to endure this torture. What good would it do? No matter how much she still loved Noah, what was broken between them could never be fixed.
“If you’re asking me to turn off my phone, forget it,” she all but snapped.
“I can’t very well ask you to do something I can’t do.”
“So, I guess you’d best start talking.”
“I was hoping—”
“Noah, please, just say what you have to say, then—” She faltered.
“Get out,” he added in a harsh voice. “That’s what you’d like to say, only you didn’t.” His words were a flat statement of fact.
She didn’t say anything. What was there to say?
“All right, we’ll do it your way.” He paused, drawing his brows together. “Late one evening, about fifteen months ago, a woman knocked on my door.”
Oh, boy, Amanda thought, here it comes. He was, is,married. She stiffened, preparing herself for the knockout punch, thereby hoping to shield herself somewhat from its devastation.
“An old flame, no doubt.”
It was obvious he could see her pain—after all, she knew it was mirrored for all the world to see, if only they were looking. Thank God they weren’t. She’d already borne enough humiliation at this man’s hands. If she had her way, what he was telling her now would never leave this room.
“That’s an apt description,” Noah said.
“So you are married.” Tears ran in silence inside her.
“No, I’m not married.”
Amanda’s pupils dilated, and she raised them to meet him square in the eyes. “But you were.”
“Just let me explain, okay?” he demanded, surprisingly without censure. “I promise not to leave anything out.”
She nodded, feeling evil begin to grow inside her like a cancer.
“When…Tessa arrived on my doorstep, I knew I was in deep trouble. I didn’t know how or why, but my gut said so. I know never to dismiss that.” His voice was as bleak as his face.
“Where…and how did you get involved with this woman…this Tessa?” Amanda didn’t want to know, yet she did. Some perverse part of her was determined to jerk all the skeletons out of the attic, then bury them once and for all.
“At a medical convention. A buddy introduced us, and we hit it off. She was pretty and full of energy.” Noah paused, a flush suddenly overriding the paleness of his features. “And she came on to me like gangbusters.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Amanda’s tone was cutting.
“You sure as hell didn’t.”
She blinked, not grasping this unexpected twist. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You quietly ignored me.” When she would’ve said something, he went on, “From the first moment I met you at the hospital, I was interested.”
“You were?”
“Absolutely.”
“You had a strange way of showing it.”
“Hell, you were the one who acted as though I didn’t exist.”
Amanda bent her head, groping to come to terms with what he was saying. “Let me get this straight,” she said, lifting her head. “You were interested in me, but you’re saying I didn’t respond?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. You were standoffish and untouchable.”
His eyes took on a sudden hot glow and for a moment, dark blue ones locked with light blue ones. “But was I ever wrong. I’ve never been with a woman who loved to make love more than you.”
“Stop it, Noah! I know what you’re doing and it won’t work.”
He went white again. “You’re right. Sorry.”
“Go on,” she said in a terse voice, no longer sure how much more of this she could endure. Of all times for her phone not to ring.
“First, I need to backtrack.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “After I came home from that convention, we did start dating, remember?”
“Of course I remember.”
“And fell in love. And after only three months we were planning our wedding.”
She closed her eyes and fought off an acute lightheadedness. When she opened them, his gaze was warm and intent. She sensed he ached to take her in his arms. She wanted that, too, God help her. Still, if he so much as tried to touch her, she’d deck him. She swore she would.
“Noah, please, stop dragging this out.”
“By then, you were all I wanted, all I thought of day and night.” Another pause. “Then, a few months before our wedding day, Tessa showed up.”
“She…she was pregnant. Right?”
“Right.”
Even though Amanda thought she was ready for that blow, holding her body as erect as a concrete block, she wasn’t. A baby! Noah had a baby. Someone else’s baby! She couldn’t grasp that, nor did she want to.
What she wanted to do was physically and verbally attack him, something that both appalled and shamed her. Instead, she didn’t move, too limp, too drained and too heartsick.
“Amanda—” Noah’s voice sounded as if it came from outside of himself. “Dammit!” he muttered, as if in agony. “This is so hard.”
“Oh, don’t stop. By
all means, finish this sordid story.”
His jaw set hard, and the grim lines around his mouth deepened. But he continued, “I knew she was telling the truth.”
“You knew it was your baby.” Another flat statement of fact.
“Yes.”
Silence.
She didn’t ask him why. She didn’t want to know. Besides, with blood and DNA testing, parenthood was easily determined. Nor did she ask how he could’ve been so careless and not used any type of birth control.
“I won’t deny that the news knocked me for a loop, because it did. Nor will I deny that I was one stupid sonofabitch for taking her word that she was on the pill.”
“I’m not sure I want to know any more of the gory details,” Amanda said, her voice a forced whisper.
“I’m sure you don’t. But I promised myself I’d tell you everything, make a clean breast of what happened.”
“Something you should’ve done from the get-go.”
“I was afraid of losing you.”
“You lost me, anyway.”
“That’s a regret I’ve lived with every day of my life.” His pulse was pounding in a certain spot under his throat.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say.”
“Nothing. Just continue to hear me out.”
She bit down on her lower lip.
“I wanted to do the right thing. I didn’t want to leave her out in the cold, so to speak. But I did not want to marry her, either. The thought was repugnant to me.” He paused, desolation creeping into his eyes again. “Especially since I’d fallen head over heels in love with you.”
“Noah—”
“No, I have to get this out.”
Though he stopped short of begging, there was a pleading note in his voice that Amanda had never heard before. But this wasn’t fair, her heart screamed. The thought of him married to another woman and having a child by her was tantamount to ripping her insides to shreds with a butcher knife.
“I know this is tough for you.”
“That’s an understatement.” All her extremities felt icy cold.
“I considered every possible angle that would enable me to meet my responsibility to her and to you, and thought I had it figured out when—” He broke off, his eyes sunk back into his head.
Lightning Strikes Part 3 (36 Hours) Page 5
