Under the circumstances, he didn’t mind being used as a whipping boy. He more than likely deserved it. But again, Randi had made her choice, and he’d had to make his.
However, he did care about Melissa’s feelings. And if she hadn’t been surrounded by friends and neighbors, he would’ve made more of an effort to be with her. He loved his mother, but he wasn’t about to let her manipulate him when it came to his work or Amanda.
He dodged visibly, as if someone had suddenly burned him with a hot poker. Every time he thought about Amanda, he wanted to die. That was why he’d hauled his body out of bed and tried to outrun his pain.
It hadn’t worked.
His body was exhausted, all right, but his mind was as wild as ever. He’d meant to say so many things that he hadn’t said. The words had ended up getting mixed up in his head and on his tongue.
He had yearned to tell her how much he loved her, show her. While he had emptied his soul to her, told her what he’d never told another living human, not even his mother or his sister, it had backfired.
Despite those efforts, he’d lost her a second time. But she had every right not to forgive him. She had trusted him, and by God, he’d betrayed that trust. If the shoe had been on the other foot, he wouldn’t have spit on her had she been on fire.
Rejection stung.
He knew that now. He knew how she must have felt when he’d walked in and told her he couldn’t marry her. Walk up, turkey, and get your head chopped off.
Damn.
He had to stop this. He had to get control of his splintered emotions. But how could he do that? Leave town? Leave Vanderbilt? Those options were still open. Actually, they were becoming more attractive by the second.
The idea of running into her and Gordon in the grocery store was sickening. And the thought of Gordon taking the liberties with her body that he had made him crazy.
Amanda was his. She always had been and she always would be. Wrong, Howell. In a nice way, she told you to go fly your kite in someone else’s backyard.
He spotted his condo, and deciding he’d beat up on himself enough for one day, he went inside and didn’t stop until he was naked and in the shower.
Even there, standing under the cold, stinging spray of the water was no relief. He wished Amanda were there with him now, using her sweet mouth and tongue to cleanse his body instead of soap. The twist of pain in his groin almost sent him to his knees. Still, he couldn’t delete the picture of the two of them, taking turns licking the water off each other’s bodies.
Spitting out a curse, Noah shut off the water and climbed out. A short time later he was dressed, but with nowhere to go. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Maybe if he tried again. Maybe—“Aw, hell, Howell, you blew it,” he spat out. “Face it and get the hell back out of Dodge.”
It wasn’t that easy, unfortunately. He had responsibilities here in Grand Springs—his mother. And at the moment, his sister’s ongoing dilemma pressed heavily on his mind. He couldn’t just pick up and leave.
“You’re gonna have to take your lumps like a big boy,” he muttered out loud again.
“You make a habit of talking to yourself?”
Noah whirled around, his eyes widened with surprise. Pitser Bowman, chairman of the hospital board, stood just inside the door, a hearty grin on his bearded face.
“You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked.”
Noah harrumphed. “I’m not afraid of the dark.”
“It’s not the dark that’s dangerous. It’s the critters who lurk in it.”
This time, Noah rolled his eyes. “To what do I owe this visit?”
“Business.”
“Riley’s going to sue me.”
“That, I wouldn’t know.”
“Oh, you’d know, all right. You’d be the first to know, actually.”
“Do you mind if I sit down?” Pitser asked.
“Sorry.”
Pitser lowered his more-than-ample frame into the nearest chair, then peered up at Noah, who continued to stand. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look worse.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse.”
Pitser lifted one thick eyebrow. “I know these last few days at the hospital have been hell, but you’ve been through hell before. So, I’m thinking something else is turning you inside out.”
“Let’s just say you’re right and let it go at that.”
“Wouldn’t have anything to do with Amanda Jennings, by chance?”
Noah’s eyes squinted and his voice was terse. “Dammit, are we the talk of the hospital?”
“Yep.”
“Nothing like slapping me in the face with the truth.”
Pitser grinned. “You asked.”
Noah scowled but didn’t say anything.
“For your sake, I hope everything works out for you two.”
“It won’t,” Noah said bluntly. “I’ve lost her and that’s that.”
“How is that going to affect your work? I mean, the two of you will be on staff—” Pitser broke off, then stood. “You’re not planning to do anything stupid like leave again, are you?”
“Right now, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m one miserable man.”
“Maybe I can make you feel better.”
“I doubt that.”
A moment’s silence followed, thenPitser said, “My reason for coming here is to tell you that you’re the board’s choice.”
Noah blinked, then his jaw went slack. “For chief of surgery?”
“Do you know of another opening?” Pitser asked with a chuckle.
“No.”
“Well, then?”
“I’m shocked,” Noah said in a dazed tone.
“Why?”
“Dammit, Pitser, you know why. Malcom, for one. For another, I’m a rebel, always have been and always will be.”
“So I guess the board likes rebels.”
Noah shot him a frustrated look. “You know better than that. Riley’s more the type. Someone who sucks up first, then plays by the rules.”
“But it’s you who has the job.”
“What happened? How’d you swing it?”
“Me?”
“Stop playing games. I know Riley went to the board about our little fiasco in the hallway.”
“That he did, but it didn’t win him any points.”
“I don’t believe you.” Noah’s eyes glittered. “You pulled off this miracle. I don’t know how, but you did it.”
Pitser slapped him on the back. “You’re a damn good doctor, the best. And Riley—well, we both know he does just enough to get by. That’s why he didn’t get the job.”
“Still, you went out on a limb for me, and I appreciate it.”
“Then, don’t let me down. Run surgery like I know you’re capable of doing.”
“Thanks, Pitser.”
“That’s all you had to say.”
“But that seems so little.”
“Well, you could show more enthusiasm.”
Noah massaged the back of his neck. “If Amanda—”
“Say no more.” Pitser walked to the door, then turned. “It’s a hollow victory if you don’t have someone special to share it with.”
“I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
Once Pitser was gone, sweat popped out on Noah’s skin. He pushed back the urge to vomit. What he needed was more fresh air. He had to get out of there.
* * *
Amanda forced one foot in front of the other. Two more steps and she would reach that park bench where she could collapse. Once Gordon had left, she’d had to get out of the chapel. She had broken his heart, and while she’d hated that and felt awful, she had done what she felt was best.
No way could she have married him when she felt about another man the way she should’ve felt about Gordon.
Still, Gordon hadn’t given up without a fight, which had done nothing but deplete what little strength she had left. Reaching the bench, Amanda sat down
and shut her eyes, hoping to shut her mind, as well.
Nothing doing.
Her eyes fluttered back open and she sighed. A bird was playing in a pool of water near the fountain. She watched him flap his wings, then shudder all over. Why couldn’t her life be that simple? Gordon had asked the same thing.
“I just don’t understand where you’re coming from. He hurt you, Amanda, so why on earth are you having anything to do with him?”
“I didn’t say I was.”
“Oh, come on. That’s what this is all about.”
“What this is about is you and me, Gordon.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Look, I care about you, but I don’t love you, not like you deserve to be loved.”
“You could work harder at it, you know.”
“Oh, Gordon, please, don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“So, it’s over, huh?”
“I want to be your friend.”
His mouth turned down. “Ah, I knew that was bound to come. The classic phrase after you’ve been dumped.”
“Not always,” she said in a faraway voice.
Gordon’s face went gray. “Sorry, I—”
“Forget it.”
“You win. If friendship’s all I can get, then I’ll take it.”
Amanda leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks.”
“And my offer still stands for the private practice.”
She nodded her thanks. A lump had formed in her throat, preventing her from speaking.
“Be happy, kid,” he said, standing, then leaning over and kissing her lightly on the lips.
Now, as Amanda sat alone, Noah’s face returned to haunt her. She wished she knew what to do. Ending her relationship with Gordon hadn’t solved her problem with Noah.
She loved him. God knows, she loved him. But was love enough?
Amanda didn’t know what made her look to her left, but something did. She recognized the woman hovering near the adjacent bench. It was Eve Stuart, Olivia’s daughter.
In comparison, Amanda’s problems suddenly paled. Amanda recalled how hard the ER team had worked to save Olivia, but it wasn’t meant to be. Eve looked devastated.
Without having the slightest idea what she was going to say, Amanda got up and walked over to her.
“Hello, Dr. Jennings,” Eve said in a dull voice.
For a split second, Amanda didn’t answer. She was too busy staring at Eve, who, despite her grief, was still lovely with her short blond hair worn in its sleek, sophisticated style, and her deep blue eyes.
Petite and professional.
That was Eve Stuart, much like her mother in that respect. “I hope you don’t mind the intrusion,” Amanda said at last, easing down beside her.
“Not at all.”
“I’m sorry about your mother. We did everything—”
“I know,” Eve said, interrupting in a shaky voice. “And I appreciate it, too.”
“I’ve been there. I know how you feel.”
Eve bit her lower lip. “I’ve been sitting here for hours, ever since the storm ended.” She smiled a sad smile. “This park was one of Mother’s favorite places. I…I thought if I came here—” Her voice broke.
Amanda took one of Eve’s delicate hands in hers and held it.
“Mother used to say this was the best place to think, that watching the sun move across the morning sky, like now, always made things clearer.”
“That’s a beautiful thought,” Amanda said gently. “But perhaps now it’s time for you to go home.”
“Home.” Eve shuddered. “That’s the last place I want to go.”
Amanda could relate to that, only for different reasons. Her home now reminded her of Noah.
“I can’t…bear to tell my daughter, Molly, that her beloved granny’s…dead.” Tears ran down Eve’s cheeks.
Amanda forced her thoughts back to the moment at hand. “I can imagine how difficult that’s going to be.”
Eve sniffed. “And not only do I have Mother’s death to cope with, but everything else in my life is a mess.”
Mine, too, Amanda thought. “I suppose you’re referring to your brother’s ill-fated wedding.”
“Can you believe Randi just disappeared?”
“No, I can’t. How’s Hal taking it?”
“He hasn’t confided in me, but you can imagine. And Mother—well, she would’ve been beside herself.”
“Life somehow just keeps getting in the way,” Amanda said, as much to herself as to Eve.
“That it does,” Eve replied, her voice still shaky. “Especially when you do something that’s too awful to fix.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t pay any attention to me.” Eve’s face turned pink. “I’m just babbling.”
“Don’t worry, I’m good at listening to babblers. In fact, I do that quite often myself.”
“You?” Eve looked shocked. “I thought you had it all together.”
“Ha, that’s a joke.”
“Well, at least you didn’t run away from the man you loved.”
At first Amanda felt as if something hard had slammed into her chest, reeling from the impact of that statement. “And…you did?”
“Yes, and I can’t tell you how much I regret it. If I have learned something in this tragedy it’s that life is short—one moment you’re here, the next, you’re not. So you had best make the most out of living before the curtain’s dropped on you.”
Suddenly, Amanda jumped up.
“What—” Eve began.
“Will you be all right?”
“Yes, but—”
“There’s something I have to do.”
“I—”
Amanda interrupted again, leaning over and giving Eve a big hug. “You’ve knocked some much-needed sense into this hard head of mine.”
Eve blinked. “I did?”
“Yes. I’ll be in touch, okay?”
With that Amanda turned and ran toward the hospital and her car.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Had she completely lost her mind?
Probably, Amanda told herself as she drove toward Noah’s condo. But she didn’t want to think negatively. For the first time since her run-in with Noah, she yearned for a positive attitude.
She wanted to rehearse her speech to him, only she hadn’t been able to. The slippery-as-glass streets made that impossible. She had to concentrate on her driving more than ever.
“Idiots,” she muttered, just managing to dodge a truck veering into her lane. She pressed her hand on the horn.
At this rate, if and when she reached Noah’s place, her nerves would be frayed for sure. A red light caught her, which gave her a minute to compose herself. She had to do better than this or she’d lose her courage and turn around.
Ironically, she’d had to call the hospital to find out where Noah lived. That call had forced her to identify herself, something she had loathed doing. But with policies being what they were, she’d had no choice.
Having to make such a bold move had undermined her courage and made her waver. Nonetheless, here she was, halfway to her destination, and there was no turning back. She had committed herself to this mission and wasn’t about to renege.
She had Eve to thank. If it hadn’t been for her frank statement about foolishly running away from someone she loved, then being sorry, Amanda wouldn’t have been behind this wheel.
Eve’s words had made her realize just how high the stakes were in this game of life. It also forced her to see what she was giving up, who she was giving up.
Then had come the question. Why?
Something had clicked inside her. Fear. Fear was the crippling culprit that held her captive. Fear of living. Fear of dying. Fear of taking risks. You name it, she feared it.
To the outside world looking in, Dr. Amanda Jennings was fearless. Superwoman. She laughed with black humor. If the truth be known—that she literally quaked with fear, especially wh
en it came to love and trust—they would be dismayed.
In defense of herself, she’d been burned too many times.
But in the end, she knew she had to drop that baggage and move on. Noah had said he’d made a mistake, and she believed him. She also believed he still loved her and had never stopped.
So why was she sweating as if she was in a Texas heat wave? Was she afraid he had changed his mind in the wake of her rejection of him? No. She wanted this part to be over so that they could start again.
The quality of life was what one made it, she decided. And she wanted to make hers rich with Noah’s love. So for her, facing another day without him was nonnegotiable.
Yet she couldn’t control the tightness around her heart when she pulled up in front of his condo and saw him sitting on the steps.
Oh, dear Lord.
She panicked, unable to move, all the old fears kicking in like a race horse running for the finish line. One thing in her favor was that he hadn’t seen her, as his head was down. Another—he wasn’t expecting her.
Amanda counted to ten before she reached for her purse, then opened the door and got out. She paused, silently demanding that her heart stop kicking her.
That was when he looked up and saw her.
Amanda opened her mouth, then slammed it shut. Noah shook his head in a savage gesture as if to clear it, obviously thinking he was seeing things.
Wordlessly, but without taking her eyes off him, she made her way up the sidewalk. By the time she reached the lower step, Noah was on his feet, peering down at her.
When she had arrived, she had noticed the weary droop of his shoulders. Now, up close, the lines of exhaustion in his face were worse. But it was the depth of despair in his eyes that smacked her the hardest, even though for a moment, they had brightened.
“Are you on hospital business?” he asked in a wary tone.
“You know the answer to that.”
“So I do.” He took a harsh breath.
“May I sit down?”
“Here?”
“Yes, here,” Amanda said with her best and most disarming smile.
He didn’t return it, but continued to watch her, that wary expression deepening.
“The sunshine looks and feels so good.”
“That it does,” he said in a tense voice.
Lightning Strikes Part 3 (36 Hours) Page 7
