When it was time for dessert, Ryan disappeared and came back a few minutes later with a small birthday cake with one red candle on the top.
"Happy birthday, lovely lady. Make a wish and blow out the candle."
This was no off-the-shelf supermarket item – he'd obviously had this made to order. I'd been to Ryan's house many times, but as surprised as I was by the effort he'd made, it somehow didn't seem out of character for him. He's the type of man who has always enjoyed a little luxury; he works hard, earns a good salary and lives well. I was touched by the gesture, though, because it was totally unexpected.
"Now you're spoiling me. But I like it!" It's a refreshing change to be in the company of a man who is making an effort to please me. I play the game and pause for a moment, then blow out the flame.
Afterwards, we retire to the sofa to look out at the courtyard garden as we sip our espressos. The outside lighting, combined with the large wall of glass sliding panels, make it feel as if the garden is a part of the room. It's decadent, as outside it's raining and windy: inside it's toasty. Magical, even, you might say, and it reminds me how easy city living is in so many respects. I wonder if I've made a mistake, and maybe Lewis was right when he accused me of hiding myself away.
"So what did you wish for?" Ryan looks at me expectantly.
"Just a chance to pull off this fresh start that isn't turning out to be quite as easy as I thought it would be."
"You weren't the one in the wrong, Maddie."
"I know, but Jeff's affair humiliated me in front of all of our friends and acquaintances. Most of them knew it was going on and I understand that no one wants to meddle in someone else's business, especially in that sort of situation. He'd done wrong, but because I've been on the receiving end of the sympathy, it made me feel inadequate in some way."
Self-esteem is so easy to knock down and so very, very hard to build back up.
"You can't dwell on it. Moving on means letting go, Maddie. A few days of city living will do you the world of good and when you get back to the cottage it will be looking a whole lot better than it does at the moment. That's bound to be pulling you down. It's like living in a hovel and in winter that's no fun."
"Thanks for rescuing me." Our eyes meet for a second and suddenly I'm not seeing just my boss.
For a woman who has decided she doesn't want a permanent man in her life again, it seems that two knights in shining armour have come to my rescue and saved me from myself. One might be doing that for money, but the other one… well, I'm beginning to look at Ryan in a whole new way and that is a real surprise.
"We've been invited to a drinks party the day after tomorrow, at Nathan and Arlene's. I mentioned I was hoping to talk you into having a break away from the cottage and they said I had to persuade you to come. I hope that's okay and you don't feel I've overstepped the mark?"
Ryan smiles, but I can see he's a little anxious about my reaction. I've never socialised with Nathan outside work and I only know his wife, Arlene, from the Christmas party each year.
"That's a nice gesture, I'm sure it will be fun. I'm very grateful to you, Ryan. It's tough getting through the first Christmas. I thought that being at Ash Cottage would take my mind off it, and it did, but with the flooding and the lack of heating…"
"Hey, that's what friends are for. Besides, I had an ulterior motive." He shifts in his chair, his body language indicating that this might be some sort of confession.
We've just eaten a wonderful breakfast of French pastries, fresh fruit and muesli. I'm reading a book on my Kindle and Ryan is leafing through a magazine. It's like something out of Homes and Gardens, you know, the idyllic setting and everything is shiny, pristine and screams life and style. I could get used to this.
"Really? Is this something you can share?" Ulterior motives aren't his thing; he's the sort of guy who is usually very upfront about everything. He can see I'm amused, but he's captured my interest.
"I don't quite know how to say this and, believe me, I had no intention whatsoever of bringing this up now. I know the timing isn't good, but when a complication crops up you have to react and deal with it, then change your plans accordingly. You know me – I like a challenge."
As he raises his head and our eyes meet, I see something I've never seen before. Why is he so hesitant? Whatever it is, he's concerned about my reaction and he doesn't know how to deliver the news.
"Maddie, your life has been turned upside down and anyone going through that would understandably need time to adjust to the changes. You've done well with the decisions you've made so far and I have been keeping a discreet eye on you. I would have stepped in if you'd announced you were running off to foreign climes or taken up some absurd sport. However, I don't think it's wise to wait any longer to be straight with you about something. Especially given recent…umm…developments."
What a fool I've been, wallowing in my own problems. Ryan is going to sack me and I can't blame him. My head has probably been all over the place during the past few months. I thought I was coping and managing to function, at least on the basics like work and finding a home. The cottage has turned out to be a bit of a disaster and maybe I've been fooling myself that my work and our clients haven't been affected.
"Look, Ryan, I'm really sorry to have turned into such a liability lately. I know we are friends and we go back a long way, but you have to do what you have to do."
I can't look him in the eye any longer. My head falls forward as I busy myself with turning off my Kindle and placing it neatly alongside the coffee cup in front of me. What am I going to do? Now I'm on my own this is the worst possible thing that could have happened.
"Jeff was right and I should have acknowledged that."
I freeze, then my head jerks up, questioningly. Ryan has been one of my strongest allies throughout this entire mess and now he's changing sides? I might be guilty of a lot of things relating to my marriage, particularly in terms of not facing up to the fact that we'd grown apart. But does that mean I deserved to be cheated on and lied to? I look at Ryan aghast, the breath knocked out of me as if he'd delivered a physical blow.
"When he told you men don't have women friends unless there's an element of attraction, I remember how we laughed at that. It hurt a bit, if I'm honest, although I couldn't let you see that. It was a ludicrously generalised statement, of course, but I'm afraid in my case it was true."
I'm frozen, unable to speak or move. What?
"You see, I could never understand what you saw in Jeff. He took everything that you did for granted and I never, even once, saw him really value your role; either as a wife or as the hub of the family."
Ryan turns to look out of the window, feigning distraction and, no doubt, awaiting my response. I'm speechless, unable to take this in. After a couple of minutes he turns back to face me.
"I always felt you were special, Maddie, but it took me a while to work out why that was. When I started up the business, of course I wanted you to be a part of it, because you're a well-motivated and hard worker. But it was much more than that. I needed you, somehow, to be a part of my life and I settled for what I could get."
I'm not sure how to react because I can't process what I'm hearing.
I always thought of Ryan as the eternal bachelor, believing that he enjoyed the freedom of not being tied down. His lifestyle and interests give him what many would covet. He's 'the catch' we all thought didn't want to get caught. Goodness, over the years I've tried to set him up, rather unsuccessfully, with every single woman I've come across. Few lasted beyond one date.
"But you never said a word: never indicated for one second how you felt!"
"How could I? You were with Jeff by the time I realised and when you left to have the kids, I thought that was it. You have no idea how I deliberated over the ethics of getting in touch with you a few years later. I justified my actions by telling myself that it was purely a business decision. I needed good people and there was a possibility that the boys would be sta
rting school and you'd be looking for a job. But the truth was that I missed you like crazy."
I'm still reeling from this revelation and I'm not too sure what I feel about it. I trust Ryan: I always trusted Ryan.
"I appreciate your honesty, really I do, but I like to think I know you pretty well. You're comfortable with me because I understand you, maybe even better than you understand yourself. A traditional relationship would bore you to tears. You weren't made to be a family man, Ryan. The thought of that makes me want to laugh out loud!"
"But even your life has moved on now, don't you see? Yes, you will always be a parent, but it's no longer the focal point of your life. This is the time when you get to think about what you want for a change. I'm not offering that staid life you had with Jeff. I love you, lady, and I'm offering you a future that promises excitement and a lot of fun together. I love you and I think I always have."
He shifts in his seat, as if he's going to stand, then changes his mind and extends his hand to me across the table. Our fingertips touch.
"Seeing you with Lewis Hart made me panic. After watching Jeff walking all over you and then tearing you apart with his callous lack of respect, I wasn't about to let anyone use you. You are an attractive woman, Maddie, and you're vulnerable at this particular moment in your life. Okay, I admit jealousy reared its ugly head. I'm sure Lewis finds you attractive, heck, who wouldn't? He's biding his time but, trust me, he'll make a move on you.
"This is my one shot and I'm not going to miss out on grabbing your attention. It hasn't been easy all these years settling for being a listening ear. I want you, Maddie, everything – and I'm not prepared to settle for less any longer."
When I tell him what happened last night, what will he think of me? I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere, but I still let it happen and a part of me has no regrets. Am I still that same woman Ryan is talking about? I wonder if he realises I've changed and each day I change a little more?
We stand – three steps and his arms are around me. I bury my head into his shoulder and what I want more than anything is to let go of any lingering doubt that I could ever be enough for him. Has he really outgrown his bachelor lifestyle and there's no chance he will end up losing interest in me, like Jeff did? The only thing in my life that gives me any sense of worth at the moment is the fact that I'm a mum and a soon-to-be grandma; everything else feels like one complete and utter mess. Will being with Ryan undo all of that? I don't even know what I feel any more. I remind myself that this is real, not some fantasy in my head. I draw back to look up at him.
"We've lived our lives so differently and I never, for one moment, thought that a serious relationship would ever appeal to you."
Ryan stands back a little, so that his eyes can search my face.
"Because I couldn't have the one woman I've always wanted. Hey, did you ever consider that while my life has been fun, it's also been incomplete? That when married friends envied me, I actually envied them back?"
He smiles at me for one heart-stopping moment and then lifts my hand to kiss the tips of my fingers.
"But you came back from your holiday enthused and with plans to get away again very soon."
He clears his throat, holding my gaze with his own.
"Confession time. I was hoping that you'd look up and say how much you missed me and beg me not to head off again. I couldn't understand why you were unable to see what Jeff saw: we always had something special going on."
Ryan pulls me into him again and hugs me gently in his arms. It's strange being held by him in this way. I can't stop Lewis' face from flashing through my mind out of guilt, even though this suddenly feels so right. Ryan and I have shared a lot over the years. I always knew he understood me so much better than anyone else. What a fool I was, ignoring everything around me and escaping into my safe little world of domesticity as if it was a haven. The boys kept me sane and gave me not just a sense of purpose, but also a focus. It wasn't empty-nest syndrome I felt when they left home; it was the reality of being left with something that wasn't real. I didn't love Jeff and hadn't loved him for a long time, so gradually my work filled the cavernous hole in my life. And who was I working alongside, day in and day out? Ryan. Who did I call whenever anything happened? Ryan. Whose opinion did I seek about Ash Cottage? Ryan's.
"I've messed up everything, haven't I?" My voice is little more than a whisper.
Ryan inclines his head, his mouth hovering over mine. Then he smiles and as our lips touch, suddenly I'm opening up to him and the sweetness is replaced by hungry desire.
"Judging by that reaction," he drawls, "I have nothing to worry about. The past isn't relevant. We are drawing a line and I don't want either of us to look back. I tried to find someone, you know that, but I can assure you there is no one in my thoughts apart from you. We can make this work, Maddie. All I need is for you to give us a chance."
"One day at a time?" As I gaze up at him, it's like seeing him for the first time. I know every single thing about his face; every line and every expression. What I haven't seen before is the look of excitement he can't contain any longer.
He lowers his face, nestling his cheek against my hair and I hear a soft, “Yesss…” as he wraps his arms tightly around me. I feel as if he has no intention of ever letting me go and that feels so good.
CHAPTER 28
Christmas Day was brilliant, we had such a good time that we hardly noticed the fact that the rain continued throughout. Several times during the day I found myself wondering about the poor people who had been evacuated from their homes. What sort of Christmas celebrations were they enjoying? It was heart-breaking to think of the misery the flooding had caused. The moment my thoughts moved on and I began to think about Ash Cottage, and Lewis, I immediately reigned myself in, determined not to pursue that line of thought.
Ryan, too, was the most relaxed I'd ever known him. Usually he talks about work a lot, as in every other sentence, and it's something I've come to expect from him. He didn't mention work once and with each passing hour he opened up to me, more and more. He seemed intent on proving something, trying to convince me that there was more to him than work and living it up. It was rather curious because I would never pass judgement on anyone's chosen lifestyle and, anyway, shouldn't it have been the other way around? My life has been very sedate, really, everything revolving around the family and work. Jeff said one of the reasons he strayed was because he felt his life had become mundane. Mundane? What did he think it was like for me, constantly having to pull myself away from working online to make sure his meal was on the table and the house was running smoothly? After the boys left home it should have been easier, but it was actually worse because they at least brought a sense of life and energy into the home. Jeff would come home in a mood and then bury his head in his Kindle, while I had to second-guess whether he expected me to be quiet or encourage him to share his problems. There never was much time for me and I never questioned that, even when it was just the two of us.
When it came to Ryan, what was there to criticise? He had surrounded himself with the things that go hand in hand with hard work and success, which was only natural. He deserved the comfort and tranquility he had created.
The sound of footsteps in the hallway confirms that he's up and there's a gentle tap on the bedroom door.
"Morning. Are you awake?" His voice is a mere whisper.
"Yes, I've been awake for a while."
He swings open the door and his head pops around. I can't see his expression in the gloom.
"I did wonder, although it's very early. I'm making some tea, would you like a mug?"
"Thanks. Yes."
Ryan closes the door behind him and in the darkness a smile creeps over my face. We're old friends and yet there's a sense of newness about everything now. It brings with it all the uncertainty and hesitancy of getting to know each other all over again. He's a gentleman and I wonder if he realises how endearing that makes him to me. It's a long, long time since the
main man in my life paid attention to my needs, over and above his own. Being looked after is a novelty after a lifetime of looking after other people.
When I rang the boys yesterday to tell them I was staying with a friend for a few days, they both guessed to whom I was referring. They know Ryan quite well from his many visits to the house on business, and their main concern was that I was safe and no longer cut off from the outside world. I thought it might be a problem and that they would quiz me about it, but both seemed quite calm and accepting. Truthfully, I think anything is an improvement on the constant rows Jeff and I had been having on and off for years. I don't think either of them is happy to think of me living alone, though, and Nick, in particular, is quite vocal about that. I can't see anything changing in the immediate future and I did my best to reassure Nick that things were going well. What will they make of this latest development with Ryan, I wonder.
The sound of footsteps and the rattle of china make me jump out of bed to open the door for Ryan. In the murky darkness I feel around for the sidelight and switch it on, realising my pyjamas aren't exactly flattering. How I wish I'd given more thought to what I was throwing into that holdall, but then everything happened so fast. I brush off my concerns as needless vanity when Ryan appears with a roguish smile on his face.
"I didn't mean for you to get up. Go back to bed and I'll put your tea on the side table."
"No, that's fine. I've been lying here for a while, thinking. You know how it is."
He places the tray down on the dressing table and steps forward, putting his hand on my shoulder to give it a gentle squeeze.
"Hey, you're a survivor. Not even the floods could keep a good woman down." He's laughing at me now, his eyebrows raised as he surveys my cosy, but distinctly unglamorous, nightwear. He's looking very suave, wearing silver-grey designer pyjama bottoms and a tee-shirt that hugs his body like a glove.
A Cottage in the Country Page 17
