by Noelle Adams
“No. He did flash a lot of cash around, but they just thought gangster because he was from New Jersey. You know how some people are. Mason, he was just an… asshole. Thought he deserved anything he wanted. We were all glad when he left. Why do you have him in your teeth?”
“Just wondering.”
“You never just wonder. You always have a purpose.”
The words weren’t said in spite or criticism, but they hit Cade strangely. Holly had said something similar.
He wondered if it was true about him, and then he wondered why he should even care.
It was good to have a purpose. You could hardly make a successful life if you didn’t.
At least he had a lead now. If Mason was the cousin of John Fontina, then there would be a way of tracking him down. He’d make a couple of calls when he left and get the ball rolling.
Nothing was coming together yet about this mystery, but he knew he was getting closer all the time.
Eleven
The following week, Holly woke up brooding over the fact that September was over in just ten more days.
She’d told herself from the beginning that she could enjoy being with Cade because his time in the beach house next door was so limited. If his presence here was just temporary, then she could give herself over to the moment—without disturbing the sanctuary she’d built for herself or making hard choices about confronting ghosts.
But now it felt like the moment was ending too soon. She was very much afraid she would be lonely when he left, and the thought of isolated mornings and evenings in October, in November, in December, all of next year, scared her. Deeply.
She shouldn’t have let herself grow so attached.
Every morning, she walked down her boardwalk, telling herself she’d be smarter today, she’d be more careful today, she’d regain appropriate distance so his leaving wouldn’t end up hurting her so much.
But then every morning, she would see him, and he would smile or arch his eyebrows or gaze out at the bay as if he were starting to hear its song—he would stand all golden in the sun—and she’d forget her mental lectures from before sunrise.
Walking down to the beach first thing that morning, she told herself it wasn’t worth the effort of being careful. She would hurt when he left, but life hurt you no matter how careful you were. At least she would have a few more days to remember in the years that followed this month.
Her memories of her mother were some of her best company. Maybe memories of Cade could join them, enrich them.
He’d said he could extend his stay beyond the month, but she didn’t think he really would. The world outside their beach pulled on him too strongly. He might have let go a little bit while he was here with her, but he hadn’t let go that much.
He would want to get back to the city, start his new book, fall back into his old lifestyle—which wasn’t anything like hers. He might have been born in Cape Charles, but he wasn’t a child of the bay.
Not like her.
She wouldn’t have wanted him if he was just like her, so she was hardly going to begrudge him his world, his life. He could be like the fox or the deer for her—connecting briefly, giving her pleasure, but never submitting to any chains she was capable of forging.
Always untamed.
The analogy was a good one, and she was smiling at the thought as she reached the bottom of her walkway and stepped down onto the sand. She looked to the right and felt her heart drop when she didn’t see Cade.
They’d swum together the evening before, but it had started to rain so they couldn’t spend any time on the towels afterward. She’d been tempted to invite him inside—she could tell he wasn’t ready for the evening to end—but she hadn’t been able to do so. Even now, after almost three weeks, she couldn’t let him into the inner chamber of her sanctuary.
She liked that analogy too.
Last night, they’d parted early. Maybe Cade wasn’t happy about it. Maybe he was tired at being kept at the margins of her life, her home, her body.
Or maybe he’d just slept in.
She wasn’t going to stress out about it. He was a grown man who could make his own decisions, and it was likely that eventually he’d choose against her. She wasn’t going to let his absence ruin the morning, which was crisp but warmer than the previous day, the air fresh after the rain last night.
She walked down the beach, toward Cade’s house, in case he was just running later than usual. She watched the birds circle and the barges inch along in the distance, and she searched the sand around her feet for pretty shells and tiny crabs.
She’d leaned down to pick up a strange rock, only to discover it was a wet piece of wood, when she heard a male voice calling out her name.
Her heart skipped as she straightened up and saw Cade approaching her.
He was still far away, but she could sense he was smiling, and she could see that her first impression had been accurate as he neared. He was smiling. His hair was burnished to gold, and his tanned skin was burnished too, and she had the oddest moment of absolute yearning.
Like everything inside of her wanted him.
“What is it?” he asked, his smile fading as he reached her and saw her expression.
“Nothing,” she said, shaking the intensity of the hunger away.
“I’m sorry I was late,” he said, his amber eyes still searching her face.
“I don’t care if you’re late.”
“You don’t?”
She couldn’t help but smile at the teasing note in his voice. “Of course not. We’re not on a schedule here.”
“I thought you lived by a schedule.”
“I do. But that doesn’t mean you have to follow it too.” She started walking farther down the beach since she didn’t like just standing around.
He fell in step with her, reaching over to take her hand. “Maybe I want to follow your schedule.”
“If you do, then you’ll have to get up a few minutes earlier. You were late.”
As she’d expected, he chuckled warmly, and the sound washed over her. She loved how he laughed—especially when it was like that, natural, full of real humor, not dry with jaded irony the way he’d laughed when she’d first met him.
“I’ll work on doing better.”
She liked the way he held her hand, fully, snugly, as if he weren’t holding any of himself back. She liked the way his eyes moved over the bay and up to the sky, as if he were soaking in the scenery and looking for meaningful details.
Both of those things he wouldn’t have done two weeks ago.
They walked the length of the beach and then turned back, chatting about a few birds they saw and the naval ships Cade was able to identify in the distance. When they reached the boardwalk, she wasn’t ready to part ways with him. She wasn’t ready at all.
So she heard herself asking, “Did you want to walk around the rest of the property with me?”
She almost gasped when she realized what she’d said, what it meant. She wasn’t asking him into her home. She wasn’t suggesting they go into the middle of the woods, where the ghost and the shadows lived. They’d just go around the perimeter, on the path, but she’d never let him that far into her sanctuary before.
If he was surprised, he hid that fact. He just smiled at her fondly. “Sure. That would be great.”
And so there was no way to take back her invitation. She felt a little tense—unusually so—as she led him over the sand dunes on the far side of her land. It wasn’t easy walking, and she could see him concentrating on each step.
It actually made her feel better. He wouldn’t necessarily think this was as big a deal as she did. After all, it was just a walk.
When they crossed the dunes, they got to the scraggly overgrowth. She paused to show him a bird’s nest with four tiny eggs in it. She’d seen it a couple of days ago and was careful not to get too close to it.
When they reached the edge of the woods, the fox made an appearance, but he darted back into the tr
ees almost immediately.
“Did you see that fox?” Cade asked, peering into the brush, trying to see into the shadows.
“Yes. You scared him.”
“Why me? Maybe you scared him too.” He looked curious, not offended.
“No. He likes me. He always follows my walk, just behind.”
“Seriously?” Cade sounded genuinely interested and was still trying to see the fox as they got closer. “He just follows you?”
“Yes. He likes me.”
Cade chuckled and reached over to give her a one-armed hug. “So you’re like Cinderella or something?”
She frowned. She hadn’t seen any movies at all until she and her mother had moved to Maryland, and then she’d devoured them for hours—a whole new form of storytelling coming to life in front of her eyes. “No. The animals are just used to me, so I don’t scare them. I think the fox is mostly curious. He never lets me pet him or anything.”
“I bet it would,” Cade said, grinning at her warmly, “if you tried.”
“That would be stupid. You don’t pet foxes.”
He was still laughing as he followed her down the path through the trees. “Do the birds come up and sing on your fingers?”
“No. You shouldn’t make fun of me.”
She wasn’t really angry or hurt, but she was worried that he thought this part of her life was amusing, when it was important to her. She was walking ahead of him, but he reached out and took her arm, swinging her back around to face him.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I wasn’t making fun.”
She checked his expression and realized he was telling the truth. “Okay.”
He leaned closer. “Do you believe me?”
She couldn’t look away from his gaze. “Yes. I think so.” Her voice trembled just slightly.
“I think you’re amazing,” he murmured. “I make jokes because it’s second nature, but I think you’re amazing. Everything about you.”
She swallowed hard. “I know I’m a little strange. It’s fine to admit that.”
He shook his head. “Amazing.”
He kissed her then, and for a minute she forgot about the fox and the birds and the woods. She softened against his mouth, his body, until she was almost limp with pleasure and emotion.
It was then that he pulled away.
She was flushed and disoriented and wanted to do a lot more than kiss him, but she managed to say with a degree of clarity, “There’s a clearing ahead with deer who come to eat. Don’t talk when we get there. You’ll scare them away.”
He nodded, looking a little hot under the collar himself after their kiss. He straightened his shirt and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “Got it.”
They walked in silence to the clearing and stood on the edge, just where she always did.
The deer were there—ten of them this morning. They were chomping on the apples that had fallen overnight and the Queen Anne’s Lace that had grown up in the past few days, when enough leaves had fallen from the surrounding trees for more sun to shine through to the ground.
“Wow,” Cade mouthed, making no sound as he watched them.
For some reason she was pleased by his reaction, that he wasn’t tempted to laugh.
The deer were beautiful and somehow fragile despite their size. They didn’t deserve to be laughed at.
One of the larger deer raised its head suddenly, staring over to where they stood. She obviously recognized that Cade was a stranger, and she was wary, ready to run if necessary.
Cade didn’t move though, and eventually the deer lowered her head to keep eating, occasionally looking up to make sure they weren’t posing any threat.
After watching the animals for several minutes, Holly gestured back down the path, and they walked away.
When they got to the far end of the woods, Holly pointed out the meadow where they had buried the deer earlier in the month.
“The deer that died,” Cade said, the first words he’d said since they left the clearing. “Was that one of the deer who always eat here?”
She gave a little shrug, feeling a familiar sting of sorrow. “It had only come for a few days. It joined the rest of them. But it must have been sick.”
“Yeah.” He slanted her a serious look. “Do you know them all?”
She nodded. “I can tell them apart, if that’s what you mean. I see most of them every day.”
“Where do they go for the rest of the day?”
“I don’t know. They wander. I think they have a route they follow most of the time, with the prime eating spots. Mine is always in the morning, but they must have other places they go at different times.”
“I hope they don’t cross the road.”
“I know.”
She was relieved that he seemed to understand, that he appreciated what was important to her. She reached over to take his arm and used her grip to pull herself closer to him, pressing a little kiss on his shoulder.
“What was that for?” he asked, his eyes soft and curious both.
She shook her head. “Just because.”
He smiled as if he liked the fact that she’d kissed him like that.
When they started walking again, down the path on the far side of her property, he asked, “What’s in the middle there?”
She tensed up immediately. “The middle where?”
He gestured toward the trees. “The rest of the woods. In there.”
“Nothing’s in there,” she said carefully. “Just more trees. I never go in there.”
“Why not?”
Because of the ghost, the memory that just wouldn’t rest.
“Because the path is around the edge of the woods. It’s all overgrown in there—really hard to get through.” She tried to sound casual, and she thought she mostly managed it. At least Cade didn’t question her further.
They finally reached the boardwalk again, and Cade took both her hands.
It felt like he was going to say something, so she looked up at him expectantly.
“I have to go into town today.”
“Okay,” she said, blinking. They never spent the middle of the day together, and she assumed he went into town quite a bit.
“Why don’t you come with me?”
She gasped. “Why would I?”
He gave a little half shrug. “Why not?”
“You know why not.”
“But what’s it going to hurt? You go in on Tuesdays. Why not go in on another day too? You did a few weeks ago.”
“That’s because I needed first aid supplies. I don’t go in just because.”
“It’s not just because. It’s because I want you to go with me.” He was still speaking casually, as if what he was asking of her was no big deal.
“Why?”
“Because I like to have you with me. I like to be with you. Is that so strange?”
She was shaking a little and would have pulled her hands away from his, but he wouldn’t let hers go. “You can be with me here.”
“I want to be with you here,” he murmured. “But I want to be with you away from here too.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” he said, his voice a little husky. “Because I’m absolutely crazy about you.”
She gulped, the words washing over her, even as the implications terrified her. “You are?”
He nodded. “I am. You must be able to tell I am. And I think you might be into me too.”
She dropped her eyes, suddenly embarrassed by how much, how deeply, she was into him.
He tilted her head up so she was looking at him again. “So I want what’s best for you, and I don’t think hiding away here is what’s best for you.”
She felt a flash of defensiveness, realizing what he was saying, what it meant. She jerked her hands out of his grip. “I get to decide what’s best for me.”
“I know,” he said, sighing and looking disappointed. “But what’s the big deal about going into town with me?”
> “People would talk to you.”
“I wouldn’t let them.”
“People would see me with you.”
“Who cares about that?”
He honestly wanted to know. He couldn’t possibly understand. So she said, “They would think I’m someone I’m not.”
His brow wrinkled, and he shook his head. “Holly, I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“I know you don’t.” Her voice broke slightly since she was so upset. “I know you don’t.”
She turned and walked away from him.
“Holly.” He sounded upset too, and he followed her immediately, taking her by both arms. “Don’t run away from me.”
She didn’t want to hurt him or slam a door in his face, but there were some things she just couldn’t do. “I won’t be pressured.”
“Okay. Okay. I won’t push. I won’t try to get you to do anything you don’t want to do. I still want to be with you even if it’s here.”
She felt her eyes burning, but she didn’t know why. She’d cried for the deer, but she hadn’t cried for herself for years. For years.
She suddenly wished she were someone different, someone who wasn’t always hiding, someone who wasn’t dogged by ghosts.
Someone who could be with Cade all the way.
But she couldn’t. “I need to be alone right now.”
“I’m not going to let you run away when you’re about to cry, when it’s my fault. I’m sorry, Holly. I’m sorry.” He pulled her into a hug.
She desperately wanted to get away—to feel free again—but she also desperately wanted his strength and his warmth. She burrowed against him, sobbing a few times as the emotions finally released.
“Shit, Holly,” he muttered, tightening his arms around her. “I’m sorry. I just want to help.”
She managed to control herself enough to pull away. “I know you do. Thank you. But right now I need to be alone.”
He released his arms from around her but held on to one of her hands. “Will I see you this evening?”
She nodded, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks. She didn’t like to be weak in front of anyone. Even Cade. “Of course. I’m not mad at you. I just need to be alone.”
