by Mays, Nikki
"No, I didn't."
"Sweet, the man was practically stalking you!" He whispers yells. Nothing practically about his stalking apparently.
"Well I didn't, okay. And how did you know about that anyway?" I question because come on. My parents live over an hour away.
"Mellie's parents." Okay, I should've guessed that one. "Marc and Morris would tell us everything that he would get up. Especially, with those numbskulls that you would go out with. Hell, listening to those stories was some grade A entertainment. The man even got his twin to help him!" The weirdest part of this conversation. My dad is talking like he's proud of my stalkerish boyfriend. Lord save me from the men in my life.
"You don't say," I say deadpanned. He seems to not realize my sarcasm or is just ignoring it, I'm going with the latter, because he just keeps on going, much to his amusement.
"Get this." He leans in close with pure excitement shining in his eyes. "He and Declan decided to really scare one of the shitheads that you went out with. Brent or other."
"Do you mean Kent?" Hmm, that guy was kind of an asshole.
"Yeah, yeah, that's his name. Anyway, Damon snuck up on him to tell him that it would in his best interest to forget about you." Not sure how I really feel about this. "So, after some words exchange, Damon tells him that he'll be watching to make sure that he doesn't come near you again." My dad is starting to laugh so hard that I'm having trouble understanding what he's saying.
"Okay, pops, speed this along here." I gesture for him to keep going. He's actually leaning on the table laughing.
"A few days go by and Damon and Declan were trailing this guy. He would see one or the other on street corners, passing him by, in line behind him places. They would make sure that it would look like he was in two places at once." He has tears streaming down his face. " So, the schmuck got so scared, thinking that your man is some kind of creepy ghost, that the next time he saw you, his dumbass actually ran across traffic to avoid you because he was scared. I almost pissed myself the first time I heard that story." He appears to be coming close again.
Does it make me a bad person to not feel bad about that? That guy really was a jerk and a half. He was so conceited too. He talked about himself the entire time that we were at dinner. Then, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't sleep with him. Because him being some finance or whatever is what really gets me going. I actually wish that I could've seen them scaring the crap out of him.
"Well, at least I now know that it wasn't anything I did while out on the dates to make the guys ghost me so much," I say with a pout.
"I still don't understand how you never realized that the man was everywhere that you were. We all even had a bet going to see how long it would take you to figure it out."
"You can’t be serious?" I stare at him.
"Your mother and I had high hopes for you princess. Those crashed and burned along with the money we lost." He shrugs like it's no big deal that they were all betting on my love life.
"I can't believe you guys," I say in disgust.
"Like you've never done it." He raises his eyebrow at me. Shoot, I forgot about the whole Mellie and Morris one.
"Whatever," I mumble like the petulant child I revert back into in the presence of either of my parents. "And you don't care that my boyfriend stalked me until I ran out of other options." Okay, not really the way it went, but this helps my ego a bit.
"At first I was a little concerned. But you know Marc is just as protective over you as he is with Mellie. I figured that he wouldn't be okay with it if Damon was a good man deep down. I trusted his judgment and witnessing the way he looked at you myself sealed the deal for me. Plus, don't forget. I had to do a little stalking of my own to get your mother to agree to go out with me." He says all proud of himself.
"Huh, I guess that saying is true," I reply.
"What's that?"
"That girls really do go for men like their fathers. Bad habits and all." I tell him.
"I'm not sure how I should take that." He says looking dubious.
"Anyway that you would like daddy." I smile sweetly, giving him my best doe eyes.
"Right." He states, still looking unsure. Luckily the food saves us from any more of this particular conversation. We both descend on the food like people from a weight watchers meeting that has a Baskin Robbins next door. Seriously, is there anything better than shrimp tacos with a side of guac?
The rest of lunch is spent catching up on everything that's been going on. I learn how my dad is currently in the doghouse because he had the bright idea of rearranging mom kitchen to make it "more efficient" for her. I even have to explain in detail why that was such a bad idea and why I agree that if mom had been able to find her knives, he would've gotten stabbed and he would've only had himself to blame.
After getting dropped off at my car and saying goodbye to my dad, I get in and start the longish drive home. About halfway to my place, I realize that this was the first time ever that my dad has given his approval of someone that I am dating. I just can't really figure out what it says about him that he approves of the stalker and no one else.
Damon
"What are you doing?" I shout loudly and watch the moron jump, not having heard me enter the house. A man's got to get his entertainment somehow. Marc let's out a startled yelp and spins around to face me.
"Christ man! Why the fuck did you sneak up on me like that?" He gasps. Right, because I'm the one currently breaking into Michelle's house.
"Well, I generally make it a point not to let burglars know that I'm behind them." I draw as I lean against the wall. "What are you doing here?"
"What? A guy can't just stop by to spend some time with his friends?" He asks guiltily.
"He could if anyone was home. Just seeing as Michelle is at lunch with her dad and you knew that I was at the range, I'm going to go with no." I'm not mad he's here. Just curious really. I'm sure that his intentions are less than honorable. He purses his lips as he's trying to come up with some other bullshit response.
"Would you believe that I left something here and was in the neighborhood, so I decided to come to pick it up?" He asks.
"Would you believe that I didn't actually stalk my woman for two years before I got my shit together?" I reply.
"I see that we're at an impasse here." We're now just standing here staring at each other for no damn reason.
"Seriously, what was your big plan today?" You never really know what he's going to come up with when it comes to making the girls miserable. Normally my woman's happiness is my biggest concern. But the guy had to grow up with both of them. He deserves the few victories he gets for having to put up with Barbie and shit. "Want a beer?" I ask while going into the kitchen.
"Yeah, sure." He says. I walk back into the living room and hand him his bottle. We both take a seat on the couch and take a sip.
"So?" I raise my eyebrow in question.
"Well since I have the day off, I decided to get some retribution." His response wasn't surprising. I figured that he would get back at them for the dating profile at some point.
"Just them, or everyone who helped too?" I ask him while taking a sip of my beer. His head shoots up at my question.
"What do you mean everyone who helped?" His eyes slant into tiny slits.
"Did you honestly think that the rest of the guys wouldn't jump all over that?" I chuckle.
"Everyone?" I nod my affirmative. "Even you?" He scoffs. Yeah, I could see where my involvement would be surprising since I do tend to keep to myself.
"I figured that it would amuse me. Plus, I walked in on them asking if they would go to jail for doing it. The way I see it, those two need all the help that they can get some days." I reply.
"I'll admit you have a point about them needing help. Those two could accidentally cause a ton of chaos. But really. Everyone?" He whines like a child.
"It was a great team building exercise. If it makes you feel any better, Morris really tried to help you out, befo
re Mel threatened him with some couch time." I shrug carelessly.
"A little." He sniffs. "I just don't get why they decided to do this anyway. I know that they have issues with my dating." I snort, I can't even help myself. He just gives me a dirty look and continues. "But why they decided to get involved in my love life is beyond me."
"You really don't know what drove them, or at least Mel, to this? I'm pretty sure that Shell was just along for the ride on this one."
"Would I be sitting here asking you if I knew why." He has a point.
"According to Mel, you spend too much time with Morris and she would like her husband back. Apparently, she has decided to put an end to your "bromance" as she calls it." I tell him.
"We're literally no different from how she and Shell are!" He shouts. "Hell, they're probably worse!"
"Why are you telling me like I give a fuck?" I ask. I now remember why I try not to talk to people. I get involved in stupid conversations like this.
"You're a dick, you know that?" He sulks into the back of the couch and cradles his beer.
"So I've been told. What was your master plan anyway?" I'm ready for our bonding moment to be over.
"Nothing too grand, unfortunately. I already switched around some of her kitchen stuff. Nothing too extreme, just some of those measuring spoons and what not. Stuff like that to just make her think she's losing it for a little bit."
"What's in the bag then?" I motion to the small plastic bag at his feet.
"Ah, well both of the girls are terrified of spiders. I was able to find some online that are really authentic looking. I'm just going to place a few of these bad boys around the place to get her when she's least expecting it." He hands me the bag.
I have to admit these things look creepy and real as hell. Doll is going to shit herself each time she sees one of these things. She has a huge phobia of spiders. I actually had to go kill one for her when she was in the shower the other morning. She literally stood there crying until I killed it.
"You know that this counts as me repaying my debt to you. Because when she figures out what you did, she's going to be pissed. If she figures out that I let you, she's going to be hell on wheels." I chuckle but it's not funny. She's going to make my life a living hell if she ever figures out that I knew about this.
"Deal." He laughs. "And for future reference to get yourself out of shit. She'll usually forgive someone pretty quickly if they beg for forgiveness while carrying Lindt Dark Chocolate Truffles and a bottle of wine." He winks and gets to work strategically placing his fake spiders.
I go about marinating some steaks and wrapping some potatoes in foil for dinner a few minutes have passed when a here Marc shout a question.
"Hey, where did this come from? It's pretty good." I walk out into the living room to see him by the fireplace. He has the drawing of Michelle in his hands.
"Dunno. Was left at the shop for her. Girls think it's some teen nerd whose balls haven't dropped yet." His lips twitch.
"Was that the exact way they worded it?" He huffs out a laugh.
"Obviously not a dickhead. You about done? Shell will be home soon." I check my phone and see that she'll probably be here within the next twenty minutes.
"Scared?" He taunts.
"Of her? Absolutely." I reply. "She has the power to destroy me."
"Smart. She can be evil." He nods while agreeing with me. He doesn't need to know that it's my heart and soul that will be destroyed.
"Okay. I'm done." He says while grabbing his bag and empty beer can. He walks into the kitchen and throws them both out. He's about to open the door when he stops and points to the alarm. "Make sure that you guys remember to arm this whenever you leave the house. After that shit that went on with Mel, you really can't be too careful."
"I did arm it before I left," I tell him.
"Did Michelle forget to? She's spacy like that sometimes." He offers.
"Nah, man. She left way before I did today. And I know I set the damn thing." I say feeling frustrated. I know that I set it. I do it every time I leave the house.
"Well, it wasn't on when I got here. I was actually worried that Shell might've changed the code recently and that I would be looking like a fool when it went off. But, as I said, I lucked out and it was off." He shrugs.
"No, she hasn't changed it but I have a feeling she will once she figures out what you did again." We both laugh knowing that she's going to change it the first time she sees one of those creepy spiders.
"Yeah, you're probably right. Alright, I'm out. Have a good night." He rasps his knuckles against the door frame.
"Night," I grunt out in reply before the door closes. I need to remember to ask Shell if she stopped back here before she went to see her dad. If not that we need to have this alarm looked at because I am one hundred and ten percent sure that I set it.
Chapter 7
Michelle
"For the hundredth time! I did set the stupid alarm! It must be broken again!" I shout at the man of my dreams, who is more like the man of my nightmares right now!
For the past two months, we have been arguing about this stupid alarm. I swear I'm beginning to think that he is purposely messing with it just to piss me off. Okay, not really. Marc, sure...Damon, no. But I just can't find any other reason besides that or that I just have the world's shittiest systems. The damn thing never seems to be on! And I would think that it's just my alarm but the one at the shop has been doing this too.
Both are from the same company. We have called several times to complain and we keep getting told that it is being turned off by someone who has the code. The first couple times it happened we all thought that it was Marc still secretly getting back at us. He eventually came clean about all the nasty ass spiders that I kept finding around my house. He even said that he did it the day that I went out to lunch. See open and shut.
No so much though. He swears on his life that it isn't him. Mellie and I changed the code at the shop. But there is a good amount of people who need to know it, so we still figured that he might have coned one of the girls into giving it to him. However, I changed the one at my place as well. Damon is the only one who knows it now. I didn't even give it to Mel. Damon has told me over and over that, he has not given it out to anyone.
I thought that it would be such a great idea to do wedding cakes. Who doesn't love a picture perfect three-tiered masterpieces? My favorite part about weddings is the cake. Don't judge me. All the vows and stuff go on for-freaking-ever. I'm really only there for the food and cake. Oh and the dress! Love, love, love Swarovski. There is no such thing as too much bling!
But I digress. This evil she-demon is making me wish that I had never started this part of my business. I only do maybe two or three a month and I'm beginning to think that it's just not worth it. This ridiculously overly sprays tanned (bitch was actually leaking or whatever from it...nasty ass) Jersey Shore reject had the audacity to tell me that the design I came up with was too gaudy. Her damn theme is Pepto Bismol, okay it's princess pink, same difference. I designed it to her damn specifications and she tries to tell me that my idea was trashy. Hello bitch, 2007 called and they want their zebra print EVERYTHING back! I have redesigned this cake six times. At this point, I'm about to say screw it and screw her!
So, yet another evening of Damon grilling me about "Are you sure you remembered to set the alarm? Are you sure that you were paying attention and not rushing? You know you space out babe. You sure?" Is getting on my last nerve that's already frayed. Twenty-five to life is looking pretty good for killing him too. I should probably take up yoga to manage my stress or maybe day drinking. Yeah, that sounds like more fun.
"You're sure Doll?" It's not murder if there's nobody right?
"Yesss." I hiss at him. "You sure that you didn't screw up and forget to set it?" He scoffs. This mother fluffer actually scoffs at me!
"Doll, be serious here." This jackass.
"I am being serious Damon. You're not exactly mastered perfect a
ll of the time." This being a prime example. "What makes you so sure, oh supremely perfect male specimen, that you haven't been forgetting to set it?" He narrows his eyes at me while standing there with his arms crossed trying to look intimidating. The only thing that he's really accomplishing, however, is making me want to kick him in the shins...hard.
"Unlike you, I pay attention to things and remember what I need to do each day." He says with a self-satisfied smirk.
"Excuse me? What was that Griz?" I ask because I know that even he can't be this dumb.
"You're not deaf babe. And you know damn well that you never pay attention to your surrounds, no matter how many times I and everyone else, explain how important it is. Your dad even agrees that it's terrifying to have you in public paying no mind to anything that's going on around you. And you also know that you would forget your damn head if it wasn't attached to that gorgeous body."
"First off, when the hell have you and my dad been talking? You barely talk to your own family. Just last week at your parent's house, it was like pulling teeth just to get you to contribute two words into the conversation." I mean for real. We had dinner there last Saturday since both him and Declan were free. He spent the entire evening being all grumpy, acting like he had a pine cone shoved up his butt.
"Your dad and I catch up once a week. Usually over the phone or sometimes we'll meet halfway for a bite to eat and a beer if you're working late." He shrugs like it's not a big deal that he and my dad are besties all of a sudden. We'll be discussing this more in-depth at another time.
"Whatever. Your weird new friendship with my dad is beside the point here."
"You actually have one right now?" He drawls. I wouldn't get wine and chocolate in prison...I wouldn't get wine and chocolate in prison. I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to take a calming breath. Who knew I would ever miss the days he was a mute who ignored me?
"Yes, I have a point. I always pay attention to my surrounds despite what you and my traitor of a father think." I tell him haughtily.
