by Cara Dee
Unlocking my door, I jerked my chin for him to enter. "Just get in there. I'm guessing you stopped by to bitch me out for thinking I can throw my money around and hope you'll accept me."
He didn’t reply, so I assumed I was correct.
First, I emptied my pockets of some papers from work on the table. Then I grabbed two Cokes from the fridge and sat down. "For the record, the bribe isn't so you'll magically start liking me."
Brow furrowed, mouth set in a grim line, he took a seat and folded his arms over his chest. "But you're serious. Any college I want and a car?"
I inclined my head. "If you have the grades to get into Harvard, by all means. While you've been busy hating my guts, I've noticed you're a smart kid. You're responsible, work hard, and could do a lot better." Ade had told me he was aiming for a bachelor's degree, but that it would take time because they didn’t have enough money for him to take more than a couple classes here and there. "If you end up in another city or state, I'll pay for a room, too—dorm or if you share an apartment with others."
He narrowed his eyes. "You haven't talked to Mom about this, have you? She'll never go for it."
I shrugged and popped open the can. "This isn't a favor to her. As far as I'm concerned, it's between you and me. I'll talk to her after you've told me your decision."
This was for Morgan. He'd done the right thing, and helping Ade ensure his sons had a bright future was the least I could do.
"So what's the condition?" Jesse asked.
Easy. "You gotta spend time with me," I answered. "I want an hour a week."
He smiled darkly and scratched his nose. "You've got some set of balls, Hayes. Do you honestly think I'm gonna change my mind about you? You waltz back into our lives after ten years, take a shit on our hard work by throwing around words like Harvard and new cars, and now you demand I hang out with you?"
I leaned back in my seat, having fully expected him to go this route, and he did have a point.
"Your entitlement is fucking disgusting," he went on. "Nothing you do can bring back my dad, and nothing can make us a family again. My parents were happy together." At that, my jaw ticked with tension. "They didn’t leave each other behind to become martyrs. They faced everything together, a concept I'm guessing you're unfamiliar with—"
"Are you done?" I asked irritably. "Because you're about to bite off a bit more than you can chew, kid. I can't change what I've done. I sure as fuck can't bring back the dead, and you're outta your goddamn mind if you think I'm trying to replace your pop—"
"Then make your amends elsewhere," he growled, getting up from his seat. "No one wants you here."
"You sure about that?" I cocked my head.
He gritted his teeth, and the next sound I heard was the door slamming shut when he stormed out.
My elbows hit the table, and I palmed my face as a heavy breath escaped me. "Well done, idiot." Frustrated and suddenly exhausted, part of me was ready to throw in the towel.
"My parents were happy together."
Motherfucker. Did Morgan and Ade ever hook up? Were they together at some point? I could barely stomach thinking about her with others, much less Morgan.
"Fuckin' A…" I envied a dead man.
I envied a lot of people. Jesse thought I was some arrogant prick to offer money? Screw him. He could take every goddamn cent for all I cared. I'd take poverty any day if I could get the last ten years back.
There you go. Regret.
"Shit." My knee bounced.
I did regret it. I regretted killing Ade's stepdad. Ten years in prison gave me doubt. Coming out and seeing what I'd missed made things clear.
Anger festered inside me, and I was sick of trying to get along with people who worked against me. Jesse, not people, just one. It was enough. The last thing I wanted was a pat on the back for what I'd done, but some motherfucking understanding would be nice. I wasn’t that man anymore. I wanted a chance.
A knock on the door brought me out of my depressing thoughts, and I heaved myself off the chair.
It was Ade, who looked upset. I didn’t know what it was about, so I steeled myself for anything. Today was turning out to be a shitty day.
"Can I come in?" She didn’t wait for an answer, stumbling inside while she tried to remove her jacket. Her fingers were trembling. "I think—I think I may have lost my job."
I guessed I could take a break in my woe-is-me moment…
"What makes you think that?" I closed the door again. Antsy and tense, I grabbed my smokes and lit one up.
"Because I confronted Dr. Houston." She did what? She paced the floor in the kitchen, and my struggle to rein in my temper grew increasingly difficult. "I basically told him I'd do everything I could to bring him down, and at the end of the day, he canceled his last session so he could have a meeting with Dr. Anderson. I just know he's going to suggest they let me go."
He'd have to have grounds for that, though, right? According to Ade, the good doc was fair.
"If Houston's the scumbag you say he is, I don’t think it's wise you're alone with him," I told her. If anyone hurt her, I…didn’t wanna finish that sentence. "Can't you quit?"
She collapsed on a chair and ran a hand through her hair. "I want to be able to stand up for myself. I don't want to run away and hide anymore, Lincoln."
Trust me, I know what that’s like.
This was different, though. The man could physically harm her.
"What a day…" She sighed heavily, and I hummed in agreement. "What's this?" She picked a folded-up piece of paper off the table on which I'd written "Seattle listings" with a marker.
"I'm buying a studio," I muttered. Over by the sink, I filled a glass of water to use as an ashtray, then sat down across from Ade. "Sam helped me."
"Oh?" She bobbed her head and refolded the slip. "I didn’t know you talked to him again."
There was a lot I hadn't told her yet. The plan was to reveal my plans tomorrow. We'd never been on a proper date—
"I feel stupid." She smiled shakily and stood up. "I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have come here to dump my problems on you."
"Huh?" I took a final drag then put out the smoke. "You can talk to me. I'm not in an awesome mood, but I'm here."
She managed another smile but continued toward the door. "I appreciate it, it's just…it's already going to be hard when you leave again."
When you leave again. When you leave again.
I gnashed my teeth together. "I'm fucking trying, Ade." Holy shit, my pulse raced ahead. "It's becoming abundantly clear I'll never be as perfect as Morgan, but I'm doing my best to fit in."
"Whoa." She took a step back, eyes widening. "What brought this on? I never said anything about Morgan."
I grinned, pissed. "No. You didn’t. Now I can't help but wonder why. Maybe 'cause you didn’t wanna admit you two were playing happy family before he died?"
"What the—Fuck you," she snapped. "I'm leaving."
"No, wait." I was out of my seat and grabbing her arm before I knew it. "Level with me for a minute. The reason I've been a coward about bringing this up is because it hurts knowing everything I missed out on. I admit it." I let go of her and folded my arms over my chest. "Your turn. Did you and Morgan get together? Is that why you haven't been eager to talk things through, either?"
"He was dying!" she cried out. "The man who dragged me out of the gutter—quite fucking literally—was dying. We weren't together, Lincoln. But yes, we shared a bed after he found out he had cancer. And yes, we were both scared out of our minds!"
A sob broke free as she ended her rant, and I couldn’t form a word. My mind had taken a hit to the point where it was frozen. I didn’t know what to think. My body was tense and ready to go off.
"He became my best friend." She wept, angry, and wiped at her cheeks. "For a couple years after I got clean, he was… I can't even describe it. He gave up everything in LA to be with the boys—and to help me. There isn't a whole lot more to say than that. He set me straight, mad
e sure I went to therapy and stayed away from drugs, and he showed me what a real family should be like. He was there when I had nightmares about my stepdad, the trial, and losing you. He was there when I applied for my first real job, and he grew to trust me with Jesse and Abel." Rage flashed in her eyes. "We weren't playing happy family, we were a family, and I won't let you shit all over that."
I flinched and looked down, my jaw clenched. My mind wasn’t still anymore. Envy burned hot, shame threatened to bowl me over, and grief struck me harder than I could've anticipated. I missed it. I missed everything. Morgan had been a better man than I could ever dream of becoming, and it tore at me. I would never see him again. I couldn’t go back in time and help him, or her.
"You should've seen his face," she whispered tearfully and cleared her throat. "Once we learned his cancer was untreatable, he had to hire a private investigator to track down his ex-wife." She paused, taking a shuddering breath. "She didn’t care—unless you count a half-assed sorry to hear that. No objection whatsoever when I asked to legally adopt the boys. Lincoln, he was shattered."
The noose around my neck tightened.
We'd been right there. Morgan and me. On the cusp of becoming buddies, except I'd been a blind fucker. Selfish, addicted, focused on Ade.
"I'm gonna go before I say something I'll regret," she croaked.
"What for?" I looked to her, feeling ten years older. Heavier, defeated, resigned. "I'm a good punching bag. Jesse's already given me his two cents."
Confusion furrowed her brow, and she wiped away her tears again. "You talked to Jesse?"
I nodded with a dip of my chin and reluctantly explained the college bribe as my in, as my chance to redeem myself by showing him who I was today. Countless emotions flitted across her face. I was at a complete loss. In the span of a couple months, I'd gone from forcing myself to be in the same room as Ade and her family, to…now. Now, it physically hurt to think about the fact that Jesse might be right. Maybe there was no room for me in their family.
Considering the love—platonic or not—Ade carried for Morgan, and everything they'd been through together, I couldn’t blame either of them. She and I had shared a few months. They were a tight-knit unit for years.
"He told you Morgan and I were happy together?" Ade asked for clarification.
"Yeah."
It was dawning on me that the jealousy wasn’t founded on some possessive need to mark my territory. Mostly. It was because I wanted to share it—something, anything, be a part of her and her family. I didn’t wanna compete for a spot or be compared to anyone else, yet…I kept comparing myself to Morgan. Jesus Christ.
Unlike in fairy tales, we couldn’t pick up where we left off. There was a huge chunk of her life I was always gonna live without. But, if we could set boundaries and I could be a part of her future, maybe I'd be able to chill the fuck out.
"Lincoln…" Ade's eyes welled up all over again. This time, she wasn’t walking away from me, though. She approached until she was right in front of me, and she dropped her forehead to my chest. "For years, I've had this vision of screaming at you. I would pound my fists right here—" she fisted my shirt "—and demand you tell me why you left me." She sniffled, and I swallowed hard. My eyes burned. "You can't tell me I was worth it." She whimpered and lifted her gaze. "Not like that. There were other ways. Nothing is worth losing so many years over."
Fuck. I choked up and had to clear my throat. I blinked past the sting and cupped her cheek, brushing away a trail of tears. "You are worth everything, Ade. It was never about that." I quickly scrubbed a hand over my eyes. "I regret what I did because I'll spend the rest of my life trying to catch up." It wasn’t the first time I'd thought of this, and it hurt as much now as it did then. "I missed my shot. I didn’t mean to cheapen what you had with Morgan. I'm just…"
"Sorry?" She knew the word.
I nodded and stopped giving a fuck about composure. "Yeah. I'm plain sorry." I wiped my eyes with the heel of my hand.
"So am I." She grabbed my hand and dropped a kiss on the inside of it. "The reason I brought this up now is because…what Jesse told you is true on my worst days. The amount of guilt I live with… Let's just say you're not the only one who gets bitter."
"You didn’t tell me to hunt down Kane."
"I dragged you down with me." She peered up at me, eyes filled with anguish. "I took advantage of your protection, and I knew what I was doing. Nothing I did was fair to you."
Son of a bitch. I had to sit down. Regardless of what I'd said in anger or believed in prison, I didn’t put an ounce of blame on her. That said…the relief was immense—enough for me to slump down in a chair right before my knees caved in. Shit. I sucked in a breath and brought her with me. I held her as tightly as I could and buried my face in the crook of her neck. Deep breaths.
I'd needed to hear her say that. And thinking back, I was fairly sure she'd hinted at this already, if she hadn't been outright blunt about it. But after today, with Jesse—whatever, I'd needed to hear it again. I was responsible for my own choices, but because of our history, Ade had the understanding. It wasn’t black and white.
"We were so messed up." She palmed my face, gently forcing me out of hiding. "I'm sorry, Lincoln."
"Me, too."
She kissed me carefully, lingering, and I held her tighter.
"I loved Morgan," she murmured. "I always will. But what he and I shared… I don’t know if I can explain it."
"You don't have to." I brushed back some of her hair that'd fallen forward.
"I want to," she insisted. "Thing is, living with him—" She smiled wistfully, playing with the collar of my shirt. "I think you two would've been awesome together. Sometimes, I'd tell him you'd be his obnoxious older brother. You'd drive him insane, but you would be there when it mattered. You'd have his back."
Looked like the verbal gut punches weren't over for the day. "I wasn’t a good friend to him."
"You would've been." She seemed sure of it. "You're more alike than you think. And he knew you were a good man. We were just getting to know each other in the worst time imaginable."
I closed my eyes, letting her words bring some comfort.
"He was also a hopeless romantic, bordering on cheesy," she whispered in my ear. "He knew I belonged to you."
I inched back to search her eyes. Was that past or present? A fucker had to know.
"He didn’t want me that way, either. Our relationship was…different."
"Right." I coughed into my fist and thought of how to phrase it. Then, fuck it, blunt was my way. "Do you still belong to me, tiny dancer?"
She nodded quickly, and that was all it took. I captured her mouth with mine and kissed her hard.
"It was always you, Lincoln. Does that make me crazy?"
"Maybe. Probably." I angled her face for a deeper kiss, not satisfied until she was gasping. "I'm equally crazy, though."
She smiled widely, tiredly, giggly—fuck, we were the cheesy ones now.
Out of breath, I rested my forehead to hers. "I love you."
"God, I love you, too. Which…"
Yeah, I could practically read her mind right then. "We haven't said that before." I looked her in the eye, the corners of my mouth twisting up.
"That’s weird." She smiled, puzzled.
I had to agree. It was strange. Or maybe it wasn’t. Whenever we were together—then and now—we were good at showing what we felt, no matter what went unsaid.
"No escaping this now." I waved a finger between us. "This shit is written in stone. It's us, no one else. I don’t wanna hear about any other bastard getting in your pants." I needed her to confirm where we stood.
"You're such a romantic." She snorted and shook her head in amusement. "Sure, written in stone. And there is no one else, asshole." She slapped my arm. "Your love life in prison was more interesting. Can't wait to meet this Casey guy."
I smirked wryly. "Why's that?"
She raised a brow. "You can't fool me. Som
ething happened between you two."
"I don’t know what you're talking about," I laughed quietly.
"I'm serious." Her sea-green gaze softened. "He matters a lot to you. The way you wait for him to call…? Sounds like you met your own Morgan in there."
"Oh, for chrissakes, baby." I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Don't turn a few blow jobs into a love story."
That earned me another whack to my arm. I hissed.
"Dick. It's okay to care for people."
"I know." I chuckled, finding her too cute. "I do care about him. Just not in that way."
"You mean…your relationship was different?" Little bitch thought she was making a point.
"There was no relationship to speak of. Now, shut up and kiss me, you relentless woman."
Chapter 31
Adeline Ivey
Lincoln and I got another hour before I had to go home again. We talked mostly about Jesse, and I learned they'd had words once before, too. I wished Lincoln could've told me sooner, because as right as Jesse was, he was wrong, too. Life wasn’t so cut-and-dried.
Abel was doing his homework in the kitchen when I walked in.
"Have you seen your brother, hon?" I smoothed back his hair and continued to the fridge.
"He's grocery shopping."
I stopped and leaned back against the counter, wrung out and in the mood to be lazy. It'd been a long fucking day. Awful, scary, emboldening, exhausting… So much was still up in the air, but after the moment I just shared with Lincoln, I felt tons and tons lighter. He loves me. It's us now. I was going to ride that wave of bone-deep relief and joy until we settled the rest.
"Do you wanna say fuck it today and order a bunch of things that're bad for us?" I asked.
Abel's head snapped up, eyes wide.
I grinned.
"Um, yeah." He set down his pen and straightened. "We can do that?"
Yes. For one day, screw obligations and worries and headaches. "What're you in the mood for?" I snatched up the cordless. Lincoln was heading to his anger management session, and Madigan was working late the days Abel didn’t have hockey, so they would have to eat later.
"Ice cream," he said frankly. "And jalapeño poppers and plain cheese pizza."
