The Darkness Within Him: The Untwisted series

by Alice Raine

  In hindsight, I know I should have headed straight for the door.

  Another warning sign I should have heeded was the fact that Nicholas never asked me to stay over. Not once. I was a sex toy to him, nothing more. Although he would sometimes hold me afterwards for what seemed like an eternity, eventually he would always peel himself from my side and begin dressing, which I quickly learnt was his discreet way of asking me to leave. Then he’d drive me home without another word, and we’d repeat it all the following week, like Groundhog Day.

  One night stuck in my mind as being slightly different, though. It was the night that had given me a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe he was starting to see me as more than just a bed buddy – but in the stark light of retrospection was probably nothing more than his ego needing a boost.

  I’d had a tough week at work, and to top it off, my sister, Joanne, had called twice already. Odd, really, seeing as routine was vital to her and she usually only called on a Wednesday night.

  As I saw her name again on my phone’s display on Friday afternoon, I frowned. ‘Hi, Jo-Jo, how’s it going?’ I asked in the soft, considerate tone reserved just for my sister.

  ‘Good. Great.’ There was a pause where I could hear her chewing on a fingernail, her teeth clicking together noisily. ‘Actually no, not good. Not good at all. I think the pills the nurses are giving me are the wrong ones. I know it. I do. I know it. Wrong pills.’

  I grimaced at her obvious agitation.

  ‘It’s OK, sweetie, would you like me to come down and see you? I could check with the nurses if it’ll make you feel better?’ I said soothingly.

  ‘Yes please! Oh yes!’ Her relief over the phone line was practically palpable. ‘But no … you’re so busy. Always busy. Busy, busy, busy. Don’t want to disturb you, Becs … Mustn’t disturb you …’ God, she was rambling; it must be a really bad attack this time.

  ‘It’s not a problem, sweetheart, I’m not busy. I’ll be with you straight after work.’ When I hung up I knew Nicholas wouldn’t be happy with me cancelling my lesson, but my sister came first so I called him and then hurried through the remainder of my work so I could get to Joanne as quickly as possible.

  It had been a long, sleepless night with Joanne, but the following morning, as I made my way home, I made an on-the-spot decision to turn up at Nicholas’ house to apologise for cancelling. It was breaking from our usual Friday-night routine, which he might not like, but having spent the entire night with my sister, talking to her and her lovely nurses, I needed a bit of “me time”, and at this moment in my life that involved Nicholas as well.

  When he answered the door, he looked shocked to see me then stood back without a word and ushered me toward the kitchen before disappearing in the direction of his study. What a welcome that was! Perhaps it was a bad time, I thought nervously, but surely he’d have asked me to leave if that was the case, so I decided to stick around for a few minutes and see if he reappeared.

  I placed my handbag on the kitchen counter. The delicious scent of freshly brewed coffee hit me, and my mouth started to water instantly. It was just what I needed after my exhausting night. Pouring myself the largest mug I could find, I turned to see Nicholas leaning on the counter behind me. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know – he was majorly pissed that I had cancelled on him last night. And possibly annoyed that I was making myself so at home and stealing his coffee, I thought with a flush.

  Just as I was considering telling him about Joanne he took me completely by surprise; stalking forward, pouring himself an equally large mug of coffee, and then casually asking, ‘How’s your sister?’

  ‘She’s … Hang on, how did you know about Joanne?’ I asked in a shocked whisper.

  Relief flooded his usually controlled features. ‘So it’s true, then? You do have a sister at the Oaks Residential Centre?’

  ‘Yes, but how did you know?’ I repeated, trying to remember if I had ever mentioned her in passing and almost certain that I hadn’t. Not that I was ashamed of her or anything, that wasn’t the case at all. In truth, I tended to avoid talking about Jo because of the guilt it evoked in me.

  ‘You sounded distracted when you cancelled on me yesterday, and I thought perhaps you were seeing another man,’ he explained simply, without actually answering my question at all.

  ‘So you followed me?’ I guessed, my tone rising with disapproval.

  ‘No, of course not!’ Nicholas flushed. ‘I got Mr Burrett to follow you. He called me when you got to the centre and told me where you were going.’

  Mutinous thoughts were circling my mind, firstly toward Nicholas for his ridiculously controlling and possessive nature, and secondly about the staff at the Oaks. There was no way they should be breaching patient confidentiality by giving out Joanne’s details over the phone, which was presumably how Nicholas had found out who I was visiting.

  As if reading my mind once again, he shook his head. ‘The centre didn’t give anything away; I just got lucky. Mr Burrett saw you through a window meeting with a young woman around your age, so I guessed at sister. Apparently I was right.’

  Shit, I had fallen straight into his trap.

  ‘Why’s she in there?’ he asked softly.

  Clutching my coffee, I made my way to the sofa and dropped onto it, keeping my eyes averted from his in case the guilt I felt about my sister’s condition showed in my features. It wasn’t my fault, I reminded myself sharply. It wasn’t my fault.

  ‘Jo is two years older than me. Seven years ago, she …’ I paused, floundering for what to say about that horrible day and the month that had followed. ‘There was an … accident.’ A chill ran through me, making me shudder, and I gulped at my coffee in an attempt to warm up, even though my shivers had nothing to do with temperature. ‘She suffered a lack of oxygen to the brain that has left her with some issues,’ I finished.

  ‘Brain damage?’ Nicholas asked gently, and despite the topic, I found myself surprised by just how lovely he was being, completely at odds to his usual domineering persona.

  ‘Yes.’ My eyes were still trained on the sofa and actually starting to ache from staring so hard. ‘It’s affected the part of her brain that deals with rational thoughts and sensibilities. She has to stick to a routine or she panics, and she gets easily obsessed by things. She freaks out around strangers, and security is a big thing to her, so we decided she’d be better off living in the Oaks.’

  ‘Wow, I’m sorry, Rebecca. What happened, the accident?’

  I felt my entire body tense. I couldn’t tell him that, wouldn’t. He’d think I was despicable; I certainly did when I allowed myself to think back to that night, that entire horrible month.

  ‘I … that’s not something I want to talk about, Nicholas. You have your secrets, and I have mine,’ I added, knowing I sounded bitter but not caring in my exhausted state.

  Although he hadn’t seemed happy with my refusal to share my story with him, Nicholas was surprisingly gentle and considerate with me for the following few hours, insisting that I have a snooze on his sofa and stay for the rest of the day.

  His gentleness even lasted through an exhausting sex session that he had claimed would make me feel better. Afterwards, instead of dressing and leaving as he usually did, he sat up and gazed down at me with a peculiar expression on his handsome face.

  ‘Why are you here, Rebecca?’ he asked suddenly, causing me to worry that I’d outstayed my welcome. After all, I’d been here the entire day and it was getting late now. Once again, it crossed my mind that I really should consider getting myself a normal relationship where I didn’t constantly need to be on tenterhooks, but somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to walk away from Nicholas.

  ‘I don’t mean now specifically,’ he said quickly, seeing the slight panic on my face as I tried to sit up. ‘I mean each week, why do you come here? You don’t strike me as a fuck-buddy kind of girl.’

  Oh God, was I that obvious? Nicholas was right, of course, I had always
been the relationship type and since starting this … thing … with him, I intrinsically knew that deep down I wanted more. Why else would I have run here today after my heart-wrenching night with Joanne? Not that I was going to admit that to him; it would well and truly scare him off and I was enjoying myself too much for it to end just yet. Maybe I could get away with some light remarks and half-truths to placate him.

  ‘I come for an amazing piano lesson,’ I said with a shrug and a small smile that I hoped appeared light and humorous.

  One of his eyebrows arched high over his browbone as he continued to study me in silence. Apparently, he wanted more detail and was simply going to wait until I provided it.

  ‘OK, OK, an amazing piano lesson followed by some average sex,’ I remarked casually, but my heartbeat was racing in my chest. You had to be brave to toy with Nicholas Jackson; it was an adrenalin-raising experience.

  Watching him carefully, I saw his eyes darken and narrow as something very like annoyance crossed his features. God, he could be so touchy, but perhaps I shouldn’t push him too far. He was an incredibly proud man and joking about his sexual prowess appeared to be pushing him toward the edge. Time for a bit of truth.

  Raising my hands in a gesture of surrender, I grinned. ‘Calm down, Nicholas, I was only joking!’ Jeez, he needed to find his sense of humour.

  ‘You’re right, I wouldn’t have thought myself a “fuck-buddy” type of girl either,’ I acknowledged, dropping my gaze at my crude phrasing, Nicholas might curse easily, but I very rarely swore out loud, only in my head. Remembering his virtual obsession with eye contact, I raised my eyes as I continued. ‘But I’ll be honest with you, Nicholas. I’m 25 years old and until now the only sex I’ve experienced has been fumbled and pretty lame.’

  Pulling the sheet tighter around my waist to give me something to distract myself with, I finally spoke again. ‘Until I met you, I never realised sex could be this good,’ I admitted, watching as his eyes widened marginally at my undisguised compliment, showing a brief lapse in his usually controlled façade. I shrugged and bit my lip. ‘You don’t do relationships and I want to experience some great sex while I can, so that’s why I come here each week,’ I finished in a whisper, pushing aside the tingling sensation of shame that came with my sordid admission, I’d basically just admitted that I was a slut; how shameful. Except for some reason, I didn’t feel shamed. In fact, I sort of felt liberated, especially as I saw Nicholas relax after my statement.

  In response, he nodded and a marginally arrogant expression settled on his brows as he climbed from the bed. That was much more normal behaviour for Nicholas. Phew, it appeared I had convinced him of my reasons, for now anyway.

  Chapter Six

  The calendar on the wall of my office told me today was Monday. Now I was single again I was obsessed with Mondays; I couldn’t wait for the painfully empty weekends to be over so I could leave my flat and get back to the bookshop. When I’d been dating Nicholas I had become obsessed with Fridays. Perhaps I should rephrase that because what we had really couldn’t be called dating, could it? OK, when I’d been sleeping with Nicholas – although technically I never slept over … Let’s just use Nicholas’ terminology, shall we? When I was fucking Nicholas, I’d been obsessed with Fridays.

  As I’ve said, Friday night had been piano lesson night and so, in turn, sex night. It became all I could do to function properly and get through the day. Most weeks my mind had been far away from work, focused instead on what Nicholas might do with me, or to me, later that night.

  One particular Friday, an hour before closing time, a customer walked in who made my heart sink and dragged my mind away from thoughts of Nicholas. This guy, Mr Peterson – although I’d nicknamed him “Mr Moany Pants” – had been a regular in the shop for the past three weeks. He’d ordered a book, a particularly rare first edition, which I had told him would take at least two months for me to source and obtain, and yet he’d still turned up every frigging Friday and asked about it.

  Today appeared to be no different, except he looked even more pissed off than usual when I told him it still hadn’t arrived and then proceeded to give me a right earful about my customer service skills. The cheek of it! Unable to contain my annoyance, I gave as good as I got, and in the end Louise had to intervene and push me in the direction of the staff room, telling me to head home half an hour early while she placated him.

  Arriving home, I took out some of my aggression by kicking the couch and shoving at my ironing pile with a frustrated grunt. Feeling marginally better, I showered and changed. Although I was supposed to be heading to Nicholas’, I couldn’t face it after my run-in with Mr Peterson.

  What I really wanted was to skip the piano and just see Nicholas to take my mind off my shitty day. But seeing as he’d made it perfectly clear that I was simply his fuck buddy and not his girlfriend, I didn’t feel able to tell him that all I wanted was to go to bed with him then snuggle until I fell asleep, especially not after the other week when I’d turned up at his house unexpectedly after my night with Joanne. If I wasn’t careful, he was going to think I was getting too attached to him and end our tryst, which I didn’t want. No, far better to just have a night off to cool down.

  Sighing miserably, I picked up the phone to call Nicholas. In reality, I needed to sit down and consider what to do about the situation between Nicholas and me. It really wasn’t healthy to sleep with someone you actually wanted more from, was it? Especially seeing as I didn’t even sleep with him: we fucked and then I left, I concluded dismally with a grimace, but that was a whole can of worms that my frazzled brain couldn’t begin to tackle today.

  He picked up on the second ring. ‘Hi, Nicholas.’ My voice was a bit pathetic. God, I was definitely feeling sorry for myself.

  ‘Rebecca?’ I heard what sounded like concern in his voice.

  ‘Yeah, hi, I’ve had a bad day at work today so I’m going to give my lesson a miss tonight. I’m in a really lousy mood, Nicholas. It wouldn’t be fair to impose it on you,’ I explained lamely, fiddling with a loose lock of my hair.

  ‘Oh.’ There was a long pause on the other end. ‘Fine.’ He sounded pissed off. Great, now as well as a customer and my employee being annoyed with me, Nicholas was also in a mood with me.

  I sighed again, wishing my life were easier and that Nicholas was just my boyfriend so I could vent my anger on him and then fall into bed with him. I rolled my eyes. He’s not, so deal with it, I ordered myself as he politely but speedily ended our call.

  Feeling utterly miserable, I settled onto the sofa with my favourite cookery programme, hoping to distract myself from thoughts of Mr Peterson and my “going nowhere” relationship with Nicholas.

  Half an hour or so later, I was vaguely considering going for a relaxing bath when the doorbell rang. Not expecting anyone, I guessed it would be Louise coming to check up on me after this afternoon’s little exchange at work. Hopefully she’d have Chinese takeaway with her too as she often did when she visited. God, I hoped she’d brought sticky spare ribs; I could really do with some ultimate comfort food right now.

  It would be fair to say I was beyond astounded as I pulled open the door to find Nicholas standing in the hallway of my flat with a very peculiar look on his face. As he leant against the wall, his head was turned down but he was looking up at me from under his brows in a way that could only be described as dark, brooding, and downright desirable. Wow, I totally had not expected this tonight.

  Cringing, I glanced down at my “around the house” clothing: a tatty Nirvana T-shirt and baggy tracksuit bottoms that had definitely seen better days. I literally couldn’t look more scruffy if I had tried.

  ‘Rebecca,’ he murmured in greeting, sending an instant shiver down my spine. Mmm, the way he did that was just so sexy.

  ‘Nicholas, what are you doing here?’ My tone was probably a little sharper than I’d intended, but to be honest, he looked just as confused by his presence on my doorstep as I sounded.


  ‘You seemed tense on the phone so I thought I’d drop by and see if you were OK.’ Again, an oddly bemused expression flickered on his face but it was gone before I could read too much into it. ‘The trouble at work, is it anything I can help with? Or is it more issues with your sister?’

  OK, time out, I thought. Let me just take a moment to process this. Nicholas is here to see if I’m OK and he wants to help … That sounded very much like the type of stuff a boyfriend would do, so why the hell was Nicholas-fuck-buddy-Jackson here doing it?

  Standing back in silence, I indicated for him to enter my flat, which he did with a small nod of his head. As his gorgeous spicy pine scent caught in my nostrils, I found that I was ridiculously pleased he was here.

  Remembering his question, I answered, ‘No, no, Joanne’s fine.’ I’d visited her more than usual this week and was pleased that she seemed back on track. ‘It’s a guy at work, just some stupid customer giving me a hard time. He keeps coming in and getting aggravated with me when I’ve told him repeatedly that the book he wants will take me time to get.’ My tone had risen from reliving my anger but I shrugged and headed for the couch, flopping down limply, before watching as he surveyed first the room, and then me with narrowed eyes.

  Thankfully, Nicholas made no comment about my scruffy clothing or the slightly messy state of my flat – the pile of washing that had borne the brunt of my anger when I’d first got home from work was now spread in an unappealing fashion across the sofa where it had tumbled.

  ‘He’s hassling you?’ he enquired sharply, and I may have been mistaken but I could have sworn there was a protective note to his voice, a suspicion further fuelled as I watched as his hands tense at his sides. How interesting.

  Struggling to make sense of Nicholas’ reaction to my bad day, not to mention his appearance in my flat, I tried to adjust to his presence. Having him here, four feet away from me in my little front room, felt strange and not just because he’d never been here before. It was more the way his tall stature and tense, dominant posture suddenly made the place feel incredibly claustrophobic, but not in an entirely bad way.