by T. K. Rapp
I look at the monitors, not knowing what any of them are for, but all look serious. I reach for her hand and it’s cold, so I wrap my other over the top of hers. “Lang, what happened? Ryan said Scott did this. Is that true?”
“That’s what I think, but the police can’t find him to question him.”
“Who found her? Where did this happen?”
“A neighbor saw him run out of the house in the morning and watched as he peeled out of the driveway. He said something just seemed wrong, so he went to check on her. When he knocked on the door, he could see her lying on the floor so he broke a porch window to get in. He tried to find her phone to call me, but he was worried because she was barely breathing, so he called 9-1-1. I was at work when he called, I don’t think I even locked up the office when I left. By the time I got to the house, they were getting ready to load her into the ambulance.”
She starts crying again and my heart aches for her. Seeing mom like this is awful, but Lang saw her when it happened. My sister is the strong one, and watching her tear herself apart and blame herself kills me.
“There was so much blood, Em,” she sobs, reaching out to cover mom’s hands and mine.
“They don’t know where he is?”
She doesn’t answer, because she doesn't have to. “Where’d Ryan go?” she asks and I realize he didn’t come into the room with me.
I stand up to go find him, but Reid places a hand on my shoulder. “I got it; stay here with your mom.” He kisses my sister on the forehead before exiting the room and I’m so glad that he was here with her.
Ryan’s here. For me?
I was so upset when I walked into the hospital and grateful for his presence, but it just didn’t register.
“What’s Ryan doing here?”
“When I couldn’t get a hold of you I called him. He happened to be in Salt Lake on business, so he said that he’d keep calling while he drove over. I was so relieved when he got here and told me he finally talked to you.” She looks down at me from where she’s perched. “Why didn’t you answer my calls?”
I bite the side of my mouth, preparing to tell her, “I knew you called, but you never left a message, so I figured it wasn’t urgent and that I’d call later- since I was on a date.” The words come out as the door shuts and I turn to see Ryan and it’s obvious that he heard everything I said. I close my eyes, not wanting to look at him, but needing him here at the same time. He doesn’t know that I’m pregnant, and that his world is about to change.
He gives me a tight smile, and I know hearing those words hurt him, but he walks over to be near me, offering his support. This small gesture means so much to me and I want so badly to fall into his arms again and let him console me. Before the break up, I wouldn’t have thought twice about doing just that, but that’s not us. He’s not my person anymore. I have to take care of myself now.
A petite nurse comes into the room to check mom’s vitals, but barely says anything to us. Langley still hasn’t told me the extent of the injuries, but looking at my mom, I can only assume it’s worse than I was expecting. “The doctor should be in shortly,” she tells us as she starts to leave the room, but he comes in before she fully exits. He walks over to mom’s bedside and starts to examine her, but doesn't give anything away with his demeanor. He writes a few things down and then finally turns to look at us.
“Your mom has suffered severe injuries. She has multiple stab wounds and a collapsed lung, which is why she’s on the ventilator.”
“Where do we go from here?” I manage to ask him. I voice the only words that I can without asking the one I’m too scared to ask- Is she going to die?
“I know you’re worried and this is a lot to take in, but your mom is lucky. I expect her to pull through, but we’re going to have to monitor her closely for the next twenty-four hours. We have her sedated to make her a little more comfortable. If you want to talk to her, she can hear you, but she won’t be able to respond. She’s going to need extensive therapy when this is done, both physically and emotionally. This was a brutal attack, if someone hadn’t found her when they did, I don’t think I’d be as optimistic.”
I can’t listen to anymore.
I stand up and rush out of the room, feeling the bile rise in my stomach. The hospital doors don’t open fast enough, and I throw my body weight into them, pushing them along. When I finally get outside the cold air hits my face, sobering me for a moment. This must be what shock feels like. My body starts shaking, from the cold, from what I’ve just heard. I have no idea. All I know is that I start retching and I hurry to the bushes and start throwing up, crying through it all.
Ryan is right behind me, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back while I continue to dry heave. “Are you okay?” he asks with concern laced in his tone.
I honestly don’t know if it’s morning sickness or shock that has me puking right now. “Yeah,” I exhale, wiping my mouth. “I’ll be fine.”
When I’m finally able to stand upright, Ryan grabs me and pulls me into his arms, holding me close, while I let go and sob uncontrollably. His arms are my home, the place I feel the safest, and I need that assurance so much right now. He rubs my back and whispers calming words until my breathing settles and my body relaxes. My eyes burn from the crying and I’m starting to get a headache.
Lang comes outside to find us and sees me in Ryan’s arms. She walks toward me muttering something that I can’t make out but freezes, staring toward the parking lot. A chill runs down my spine, unsure what’s unfolding in front of me.
“You okay?” I ask, walking to stand next my sister to see what she’s looking at.
“Go inside,” she says in an eerie calm. “Tell them to call the cops. He’s in the parking lot. I don’t think he saw me, but if I walk back in, he’s sure to recognize me.”
“What? Where?” I ask looking around, trying to see what she sees.
She nods her head and whispers, “Over there. Now, hurry up, Em.” I see a large, disheveled man slumped against a car, smoking a cigarette. He fits everything I imagined when Lang told me about him the first time. It’s Scott.
I back away from her and start to head toward the doors as she instructed, but before I reach them, I stop and look in his direction, catching his eye. He knows who I am, even though we’ve never met; I can tell by his cocky demeanor and the way he smirks at me. He puts the cigarette to his lips and takes a long drag; his eyes remain locked on me. When he exhales he rolls his neck and resumes his stance, challenging me to move. I don’t know how long I’ve looked at him, but all it takes is his feigned innocent shrug that he follows up with a sneer to set me off. I start to move toward him and take off running full speed at the disgusting excuse for a man that seems too pleased with himself.
I can hear muffled yelling behind me, but barely over the blood rushing in my ears, adrenaline my encouragement. He just got away with destroying my mom and he thinks he’s untouchable. Scott’s eyes grow wider with every step closer I get to him and when I get close enough, I lunge at the asshole, knocking the cigarette from his hand while I scream and kick anywhere my foot will land.
“You bastard! What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you do this to her? I will kill you, you piece of shit!”
“Get off me you stupid bitch!” he yells, grabbing me by the shoulders and holding me out so his knee makes direct contact with my stomach. I fall to the ground clutching my abdomen in pain, tears streaming down my face, but adrenaline prodding me to my feet. I roll to my side and get to my knees when he plants three more kicks to my body while I gasp for air.
I hear wailing and screaming, but I realize these noises are coming from me and that freaks me out even more. Somehow, I manage to get to my knees and I claw my way out of his reach, before someone tackles him to the ground. Lang is by my side, helping me to my feet and I see Ryan standing over Scott, using his face as punching bag. My sister has her arms wrapped around me, guiding me back through the hospital door, as police arrive a
nd pull Ryan off of him.
What have I done? What about the baby?
Hospital staff meets my sister and help get me to a gurney so they can wheel me away.
“Let’s get you to a room so we can have a look,” an older man says gently, as they begin to move me. I don’t want Lang or anyone else with me, so I’m glad that they made her stay back. Hopefully she’ll go back to be with mom while I get checked out. No one knows yet about my baby, and this isn’t the time or the place.
My baby.
The nurse comes over to me and helps me remove my clothing and wraps me in a hospital gown. These simple movements cause shooting pain throughout my body; I just want something to make it go away.
The door opens and the doctor comes back into the room, “I’m Doctor Norman. I know you’re in pain, but I need you to try to relax, okay? Can you do that?”
I nod and wince when he touches my ribs.
“What’s your name?” he asks while he flashes a light in my right eye, and then my left.
“Emogen,” I groan through gritted teeth. My body starts to curl protectively and I’m doing everything I can to listen to him. I have never known pain like this, “Please, will my baby be okay?”
He looks at me, concern evident on his face. The nurse leaves the room in a rush, only to return, rolling a machine in. She pulls out a device that looks like a pole or wand and places something over it before handing it to the doctor. He moves a stool next to the bed and scoots closer to me.
“Emogen.” His voice is soothing, as though talking to a child. “We need to try and take a look at the baby. How far along are you?”
“I-” I start groaning in pain. “I just found out the other day. Maybe six weeks? Seven?”
He holds up the wand thing for me to see. “This is a transvaginal ultrasound so I can take a look at your baby. I’m going to place this inside of you so we can make sure everything is okay.” The nurse holds my hand while he inserts the wand inside of me and the action causes my entire body to go rigid. “I know this is uncomfortable, but I need you to try and relax.” He continues the examination, staring intently at the screen. The room is so quiet, you can hear a pin drop, and I do everything I can to keep my body relaxed while I am still in so much pain.
He moves the wand around and stares at the screen, keeping still. He repeats the movement a few more times, making a small noise under his breath, but keeping his eyes locked on the screen. Slowly, he removes the device from inside of me and pulls the gown over my knees. Doctor Norman stays seated next to me and before he can say anything, I know.
“I lost the baby,” I whisper to myself as tears spill down my face. The pain my body is feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain my heart is feeling.
“I’m sorry, Emogen, but I couldn’t find a heartbeat.”
“Why?” I ask. I need answers; I need a reason why this happened.
“I wish I could tell you, but sometimes these things happen. It could have been the attack or any number of things. I know that doesn’t give you any consolation, but it’s all I have.”
I wish my heart would stop beating.
Until this moment, I didn’t realize how much I already loved and wanted this baby, with or without Ryan.
CHAPTER 25
Dr. Norman continues to check me, but all I can think about is the baby I lost. If I had just done what Lang asked, this wouldn’t have happened. Tears that haven’t stopped falling run down my face and into my pillow as I lay down.
“You have some nasty bruises on your stomach and back that will heal. You have two bruised ribs that I’m sure hurt, so I’m going to give you a prescription to help you manage the pain.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. Too bad the pills won’t heal the pain that I feel in my heart.
He looks at me waiting for me to give him my attention. “I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but over the next few days, you may experience some vaginal bleeding and cramping related to the miscarriage.”
I can’t say anything in response because the word miscarriage feels like a scab being ripped off again. I want to leave this place. I want to go back in time to yesterday when the test showed positive and be happy about it. I want to go back to before that asshole almost killed my mom. I want to go back to an hour ago, when I decided to be stupid and put my life and my baby’s in jeopardy. But I can’t. All I can do is try to come to terms with the loss of my sweet little baby that I will never know.
“Would you like for me to get your sister?” he asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“No,” I rush out before he can send the nurse. “No one knew I was pregnant.”
“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Dr. Norman reminds me. “There are a couple of people waiting outside that want to see you.”
“Can I have a few minutes alone, please?”
“Of course.” He places a sympathetic hand to my forearm and squeezes as he stands up. “Take as much time as you need. Just let the nurse know when you are ready for them to come in.”
I wait until they have left the room and I roll to my side as my body convulses with sobs. I don't understand the loss that I feel, because I just found out this little person even existed, but I miss it already. The last piece of Ryan and me, the only part that remained from the love we shared, is gone. My angel just died, the precious little miracle that I didn’t know I loved is no longer here, and my world shatters a little more.
I hear the door creak open and I wipe my eyes, and any evidence of my loss before looking to see whom it is. When I glance over my shoulder, Ryan is walking toward me with a concerned look on his face. How is it that he always knows when I need him most? I try to hide the tears, but figure he thinks I’m in pain, which I am, so I let them flow waving him in closer. He sits behind me on the edge of my bed and places his bruised and bloody hand to my arm. I reach my hand that is tucked under my head to touch his knuckles, acknowledging his wounds.
“Doesn’t hurt,” he whispers, answering my silent question.
He has no idea what’s going on, and I can’t tell him, at least not right now. But I can mourn our loss for the both of us, with him by my side, letting him take care of me. He doesn’t ask if I’m okay, because he knows me; I’m far from it. He takes my tears for worry over my mom.
“Mom?” I ask, suddenly alarmed that I have pushed aside what’s happened to her.
“No change,” he says quietly. “I know you’re worried, but you need to rest. What were you thinking going after him like that, Em?” He’s not mad when he asks; I think he’s curious because it’s so out of character for me.
I wince when I try to face him, my ribs screaming in pain. I try to stifle the cry that wants to escape, a small moan replacing it. “I wasn’t thinking,” I remind myself aloud. “He was standing there so smug and all I could see is that he almost took her away.” The moment the words escape I realize he succeeded. He might not have taken away my mom, but he did manage to take away the one thing I didn’t know I wanted. I turn away and give in to the pain, both physical and emotional.
Without another word, Ryan crawls onto the bed with me and wraps his arm over me, cradling me as I let go. He runs his hand over my arm trying to soothe my pain, whispering over and over, “Everything will be okay.”
I’m not sure it will ever be.
* * *
Dr. Norman came in to check on me, and asked Ryan to give us a few minutes. I was grateful that he remembered my earlier plea. Once he was gone, the doctor gave me the prescription for the pain, and said that I should check in with my local doctor when I get home. Langley came to check on me after both had gone and helped me get dressed. She confirmed what Ryan said; there was still no change with mom. She wanted me to go home with her to get some rest, but I insisted on staying. I tell her that someone should be here if mom wakes up. My sister had already been here for so long and she looked like a mess. Mostly, I just wanted to be alone with mom and talk to her.
&nbs
p; I waited until everyone took off for the night and settled into an uncomfortable hospital chair next to her bed. Reid left his phone charger for me; so I plugged in my phone and powered it on to see I had several missed calls from the girls, as well as text messages from Trey.
11:56 p.m. - Did you make it in?
12:22 a.m. - Just checking on you
12:46 a.m. - Getting worried
1:13 a.m. - Going to bed, but call anyway
I hug my phone to my chest as tears well in my eyes. I’m about to tell only person who knew I was pregnant that I miscarried. Considering his last message came through about an hour ago, I work up a simple text to rip the Band-Aid off.
Me: I lost it
Trey: What are you talking about?
Me: The baby
I wait for his response, but when it doesn’t come, I tuck my phone away. What does one say when someone tells you they just lost their baby? There are no words, no condolences that make a difference. I’m not mad that he doesn’t respond, I’m not even hurt, because I think I would be at a loss as well, because any sentiment I could formulate would be trite.
But Trey isn’t trite.
My phone vibrates in my purse that’s on the floor beside me. When I dig it out, I see Trey’s name on the screen, but I don’t even have to say anything when I answer, because I know he isn’t looking for details.
“Hey. I didn’t want to text. I know you’re not okay, but I just wanted to let you know that if you need anything, I’m here for you.”
I hold the phone away from my face as I exhale before responding. “Thanks, Trey. I appreciate it.”
“Did you get a chance to tell Ryan?”
“No, he doesn’t know anything,” I admit with sadness. Would he have even been happy?
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head, knowing he can’t see me. Tears threaten again below the surface, but my silence answers for me.
