Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved

by Laveen, Tiana

  Rhapsody rolled over in her mind what Tyra said. The words did ring true.

  “Well, thanks, Tyra. I believe I’m just thinking too much. He is a great friend, and I’m fine with that. I’m sure my little crush will wane, just like the one I had on El Debarge and L.L. Cool J.”

  “I need looooove!” Tyra crooned the hook of one of L.L.’s songs.” Okay girl,” Tyra added, laughing. “If you need to talk again, let me know, okay?”

  “Thanks Tyra, I will. Good night.” She disconnected the call.

  Rhapsody took another sip of her tea. Her entire body trembled. She was unnerved, because she’d just swallowed a lie. She tried to claim the damned thing as true—the false words she’d said—but she knew they weren’t. This crush wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. The man was doing something to her and Tyra was right—she’d been rushing away from class, butterflies in her stomach as she’d pulled up to the park, praying he was there. She felt out of control, but she hadn’t done anything inappropriate, although the whole ordeal was always so tempting. She imagined them kissing, wanted to hold him, feel his heartbeat next to hers.

  You always do this...chase after men who are emotionally unavailable.

  She chastised herself, guilt now consuming her.

  It’s like you want your life to implode over and over again...I thought you said you learned from your past? She continued to speak to herself in third person. What is wrong with you? Look, he is going through a hard time right now. He doesn’t need this shit and the last thing you need to do is ruin something perfectly sweet by getting all horny, hot and heavy. You know better than this. The man lost his friend, has been depressed, and this is what you try to go and pull...

  Begrudgingly, she searched through her phone for his photos and deleted both of them, hoping, with all of her might, that that small gesture would somehow help cool her heated jets. It didn’t.

  When she went to sleep that evening, Dane swirled in her mind, enticing a dust storm of lust. But even more disturbing to Rhapsody was the allure and the sweetness...and the purity of it all. It began as a flesh feast, and ended with her heart pounding, reaching out to him, completely in love—and in those sweet images from her colorful imagination, one more facet entered the picture. She was presented with what had evaded her in real life: a simple kiss. Not just any kiss, but a kiss from him. It was so real, so enchanting, she’d sworn it was genuine when she awoke and found herself wide awake, her fingertips dancing along her tingling bottom lip...

  ~***~

  Dane crossed his arms over his chest, closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. That morning, after breakfast with the priests, he told himself that he was not going to the park. He promised himself that he would not go, that he would put some space between him and Rhapsody, and not create a situation he’d find he could no longer control. But of course, that would in turn mean admitting that there was a situation to begin with, or even worse, one that needed monitoring and honing in. Honesty was the best policy, especially with oneself. He thought about their last encounter at the park...

  She’d bent over and plucked a wild daisy from the grass, placed it behind her ear and continued to walk in one single bound as if she were one with nature. The way that simple gesture moved him, and the feelings that swelled within from the sight, let him know without a doubt that he in fact had a situation on his hands: he was strongly attracted to her. There was no way to deny the magnetism at this point. While he walked beside her, he felt his heartbeat increase and his palms grew moist as his nerves warned him of what was happening within him. He was lost. Still, he felt terrible for how he’d abruptly left, making up an excuse that he was running late, waving goodbye and promising to see her soon. He knew it looked odd to her, but what could he do?

  One moment, the woman was sauntering by his side, telling him about her new student, a young nine year old boy, a musical prodigy, then the next, he was practically flying down the walking path, barreling toward his car as if a fire alarm had gone off. He got in his vehicle and drove and drove and drove, his mind in a daze as he gripped the steering wheel and fought himself at each and every turn. But the next day, it was like nothing had happened. He was right back at Mies Park. He’d lied to himself, broken his promise...

  He was there anyhow, waiting for her—hoping she’d come and hoping she wouldn’t. But she did, and he sighed with relief, and then with worry. They had their usual small talk, and occasionally, their hands would brush up against one another as they walked so close together. The mere touch of her finger across his sent him into spells of euphoria. Then, they’d part ways, and he’d go back to the rectory, filled with anxiety, yet simultaneously anxious to see her again.

  It’s just a phase...

  This was what told himself as he re-opened his eyes and moved away from his apartment door, settling on his couch. He could still smell the scent of grass on his clothing from when he sat down with her on a blanket by the water. He’d failed...

  Running his hands up and down his face, he sighed, completely exasperated. Finally, he dropped to his knees, and knelt over his bed. It was becoming too much, the temptation too great to control. This made alcohol feel like the easiest thing to kick. But Rhapsody, well, that was an entirely different matter altogether.

  “Father, please help me. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m thinking or feeling anymore. I’ve met someone, and I was already confused...” He swallowed. “And now, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t want to do the wrong thing and disappoint you. I need people around me though. It feels good to be around her. I can be myself, but, I feel like…like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to talk to her now, afraid to see her, but I’m more scared of letting her go and not seeing her at all. Please help me; please show me what to do.”

  He got to his feet and sat back down on the bed, trying desperately to push away the fleeting images of recent sources of resentment—the passing of Josh, the Sunday School pamphlets, the old man at the nursing home, all of it was eating away at him, festering, making him fight his own self on a daily basis. He just wanted to be happy...

  ~***~

  Two weeks later...

  She pumped her legs, and a squeal of childish delight had escaped from between her plush lips. Dane relished the sight, felt alive just by looking at her, but that in itself gave him pause. He couldn’t help drawing inward, in his own thoughts. Despite his repeated prayers, he once again continued to find himself at the park. For the second time, he’d found a way to suddenly excuse himself, and this time, when he returned to the rectory, he stayed in his room the entire evening, praying for forgiveness. Attraction and lust had merged, causing emotions and fantasies that he found reprehensible. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop the pull, and went there again, searching for her.

  Upon his return, he noticed Rhapsody was a bit standoffish. He promptly apologized for his abrupt departure, blaming it on an engagement he’d completely forgotten about. That was a half-truth. He did in fact have to get back to the parish for a meeting, and time had escaped him, but he couldn’t admit that he was running away from her, he simply couldn’t. After more prayer, he’d convinced himself that she was simply a friend, and the fact that she was attractive to him should have no bearing on that.

  He relished the here and now, their friendship building and building. He surmised that she was healthy for him. God hadn’t taken her away. He hadn’t made her less beautiful, nor did his need to be around her become any less strong or tantalizing after many days and nights of prayer. In some way, he felt that he had permission, and it gave him a slight sense of a peace, though deep inside he suspected it would be short-lived and he’d have to battle his own conscious once again.

  “Ahhhh!”

  She giggled, swinging high up in the air. He swung to her left, ignoring her half-hearted requests for him to slow down as they enjoyed a bit of playful competition. “Dane, Father Dane, Dane of Wrath!” she teased, screaming at the top of her lu
ngs. “I thought you were a nice man?!”

  Then she winded down, swinging slower and slower when he sat up from his swing, unable to wipe the smirk off his face. Like two children, they’d swung from the steel monkey bars, glided down the short, stiff slide that was entirely too small for either of them and made a mess in the sandbox. She’d complained that she hadn’t gotten her work-out in ages, and he’d complained that he needed to get back to the gym—but neither of them budged. The sun was beaming, the morning was beautiful, and the park hadn’t yet filled up with the weekend crowd.

  Such a perfect day, but still he couldn’t erase the deep bruise on his heart, from a nightmare he’d had the evening before. Josh was screaming for help, and Dane had woken up in a cold sweat, his striped pajama top stuck to his chest and his hair plastered to his face as if he’d been dumped in a vat of water. He’d let Fr. Kirkpatrick know that he may need to seek a grief counselor. Despite his ability to demonstrate empathy to others, Dane rarely extended himself the same courtesy. He wrestled with his inability to fully cope with Josh’s death, seeing it as a sign of weakness. He’d even said it in his prayers…

  ‘Lord, you owe me no explanations as to why he is gone, and I humbly apologize for questioning you.’

  But he still hurt and although it got a little better, some anger remained.

  He walked backwards, wrapping his arms around himself as he tried to muster a smile, and move out of the sudden returning funk, but it was too late. She was now swinging at a slow crawl, her eyes keenly upon him and her lips slightly parted.

  She got up and took him by surprise when she ran her hand down his shoulder and arm. Her look of concern stirred him from head to toe, and her touch made his nerve endings sing. They stood so close. He could make out all the details of her face—a blemish here, a beauty spot there...

  She makes me feel free. Why’d she have to be so pretty? I wish....

  Then, he stopped himself.

  “I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong. Just let me tell you what I know, and then you can decide if you want to talk to me about it. Do we have a deal?” She cocked her head to the side and kept her hand on his arm—a touch meant for comfort.

  He swallowed hard and nodded in agreement.

  “For the past couple of days, just like when I first saw you, you looked sad, Dane. That is actually what caught my attention about you. I saw this nice lookin’ guy… no offense…”

  He couldn’t help but smile.

  “I’m a priest, not a robot. I can take a compliment,” he joked, causing her to laugh.

  “I know, I know.” She rolled her eyes. “But, as I was saying—I noticed you, but you had this sadness about you and, I’ll just let you know,” she lowered her voice as if she were going to divulge a juicy bit of gossip, “I saw you drinking...”

  Dane sighed and turned away from her when embarrassment took over, making him feel like a damn fool.

  “Yeah, uh...about that. I don’t do that anymore,” he assured. “It has been an unfortunate vice of mine, and I’ve stopped. I’m actually back to going to AA meetings again. Yeah,”

  At her stunned expression, he added, “I’ve used alcohol to help get through some rough times. I guess I am one of those you’d call a functional drinker...doesn’t make it any better, just means I am one shot glass away from full-fledged. I don’t kid myself.”

  She nodded in understanding.

  “I’m one of those people that’s not in denial about it. I understood what was going on. I fell off, but I have no need for it anymore...and no need for any more excuses about it, either.” He sighed.

  “Look, I’m not here to judge you, Dane,” she finally uttered, her expression relaxing. “I don’t know what was going on with all of that, the drinking – you don’t have to explain it, but thanks for telling me.”

  He nodded.

  “I know you’re used to being the counselor and giving support to others, but you know, it helps to talk sometimes so that is why I keep asking you about your friend, how you are grieving. I know you probably thought, ‘Why does she keep bringing this up?’ but that’s why. I wished someone would have asked me to talk about it when I’d lost someone, you know? I felt like I was getting on people’s nerves, but it helps...it really does.”

  “Thanks Rhapsody, you did make me talk about it more than I ever would without your inquiries. I’ve had family members pass before, but I took Josh’s death much worse and I am starting to understand why.”

  “Well good. Maybe if you think back to some of your golden years with him it would help. Maybe focus on the good times, instead of the last few months you had with him. The guy standing by his locker, being late for class while he loitered around the hallways—some of him has to still be in there, somewhere.” She pointed to his chest. “What’s going on, Dane?” She stepped a little closer to him, so he felt the warmth of her breath heat his neck and jaw. “Are you upset that this grieving process is taking longer than you expected? You actually seem angry with yourself that you are still sad about it.” Her brows furrowed.

  “It’s more than that. What has happened is that his death has caused me to think about other things in my life even more so than I was previously, stuff I’d been grappling with for a year or so now, but yeah, I’m having some problems.” He admitted. “I go back and forth with it; one day, I give it up and I am in a good mood and then the next, well... I mean, really,” he said in exasperation, “how long is this supposed to go on? I don’t know what’s going on with me, but it is awakening all sorts of difficulties I had in the past—doors I thought were closed.” They began to walk slowly, side by side, with her arm wrapped around his. He looked down briefly at her hand on him.

  We look like a couple.

  “Everyone has trouble every now and again. Some of it is self-imposed, I suppose. I guess its ego.” He shook his head in frustration.” But, his death and just...life in general. I feel really confused right now, Rhapsody. I am going through some things. It’s not just his death anymore, it’s...it’s what it means. It’s making me think about things in an entirely brand new way, not sure if that is good or bad yet.” He gave a choppy chuckle. “I have a lot of questions, and only a few answers. I don’t like that,” he said with a more serious tone.

  “Why do you think you have to understand everything? Why can’t some things just be?”

  He stopped walking and looked at her. The simple words made him pause and reflect.

  “That’s a good question...and I honestly don’t know.”

  They started to walk again.

  “I mean, you’re a priest now. You live on faith, right?”

  “By faith,” he corrected.

  “Yeah, well, you accept things you can’t see, believe in things many people don’t, and you talk to someone who doesn’t verbally respond. You believe in stories about virgin women giving birth.” She laughed lightly. “Surely, you can trust that this part of life—death—sometimes doesn’t have the resolution that we want? It’s death...the death of a life on Earth, not the death of love. Your love for him will remain the same, maybe even grow. You still have a relationship with him, regardless of him not being here, Dane, just like you have a relationship with Christ, the son of God that you can’t see or hear. And, sometimes, in death, though we hurt, there is a lesson for us, a lesson about love and friendship. I have never believed that God takes something away from us without giving us something back in return,” she shrugged, “but that’s just me.”

  He could feel her words moving throughout his heart, awakening a new understanding.

  She has faith. She wouldn’t know these things if she didn’t. She’s a believer, too.

  “You’re not allowing yourself to just be. To simply exist and feel, and now the feelings have caught up with you. You have to allow yourself to feel the pain before you can heal, Dane.” She stopped walking and gently put her hand on the side of his face.

  So soft...so right...she’s so right...

&nbs
p; “Thank you, Rhapsody...”

  “You’re welcome.” She patted his arm and released it. They continued to stroll in silence for a few moments. The faint sound of water splashing increased in volume. They both looked to their left, at the lake. Three small row boats bobbed about with people inside them wearing orange life preserver jackets.

  “They’ve got the boats out already?” He stopped walking and faced the lake head on, smiling. “I guess it is about that time.”

  “Yup, looks like fun.” She shot him a look.

  He smiled at her. “What’s that about? You want to get on one?” He pointed to the people on the boats. “I dunno,” he grinned and shook his head, “you may try to do some of that yoga on it and make us fall overboard.” He laughed louder when she stuck her tongue out at him.

  “Okay. Let’s do it, let’s go.” Grabbing her wrist, he took off, pulling her to a small white shingle covered booth. A red-faced teenager took a five dollar bill from Dane, and before long, they were on a small red canoe with flaky paint. Dane rowed while Rhapsody leaned back and looked up at the sky as if she were some actress being filmed for a 1950s blockbuster.

  “You’re going to let me do all the work, aren’t ya? There is a heck of a current here!”

  “A big strong man like you?” she teased.” I figured you had this all taken care of.” She cast a lazy gaze his way, her dark eyes hooded. “You’re funny, you know that?” A lopsided smile budded across her face.

  “Am I?” he laughed. “I like to think I can make people laugh from time to time.”

  “Tell me a joke. I could use it.”

  He studied her for a moment, “Okay, sure. Two peanuts were walking down the street in a bad neighborhood. One was a salted.”