Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved

by Laveen, Tiana

  She placed her fork down and looked at him. The right corner of her mouth lifted slightly...possibly a smile.

  A brief silence ensued.

  “Okay,” she picked up her fork again, and showed incredible interest in the meat on her plate. “You’ve said quite a few things lately and I haven’t really addressed them.”

  “Yes, and we need to talk about them, but before you do,” he took another swallow of his water, “I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, calling me. I feel that so many times, we both want...”

  “To say more...” they said in unison, laughing at the irony once again.

  “Yeah, to say more.” He nodded seriously as he stared at her from across the table. She seemed so far away, he wanted nothing more than to lessen the distance between them.

  “You’ve given me courage to tackle some issues I’ve been wrestling with.”

  That admission clearly piqued her interest as her eyes expanded and she stopped playing with her food.

  “I know Josh’s death was hard. I’m glad that I was able to help you cope a bit better.”

  “No, not just that.”

  She folded her hands on the table, graceful hands...pianist hands with long fingers. Sitting straight, she assumed a near regal appearance.

  “Look.” He sighed, running his hand over his face as he sat back in his seat. “I was struggling with some things right before Josh’s death, Rhapsody. I found it cruel, how everything came to be, like I was being given some test I could never pass. I feel like you are supposed to know this, and I pray to God that what I’m about to say, doesn’t scare you away, or make you hold back.” He paused and gauged her, but she remained calm and seemingly at peace with his declaration.

  “I...I have never once questioned being a priest. I believe that I was called to do this, as I told you, but...I also believe that I was running from some things. I’m almost afraid to tell you, Rhapsody...no one but Josh knew.”

  “No,” she said curtly, shaking her head, her eyes closed as if she were trying to stop a storm from rolling through with a mere hush from her mouth.

  “No, what?”

  “If you are going to tell me something that you will regret telling me later, then don’t tell me. Don’t force it. You’ll know when the time is right.” She smiled at him, a warm, sympathetic smile laced with a diluted but protective warning. “I don’t want you to have any regrets with me, Dane. Those are the rules.” She swallowed and looked at him sternly. “I refuse to be anything you wish hadn’t happened.”

  He could sense the claws around her heart sinking deeper, reflected in the words. Her spirit spoke to him, stepping ahead of her as her lawyer and representative and announcing over the sky airwaves to expect a turbulent conversation. Yes, it was a rough conversation, despite the smiles and admissions. This was all cards on the table time, and she fought him, completely taking him off guard. Regardless, her reasoning was genuine and lest he admit, it made sense.

  “Up until this point, we’ve been honest with one another, but safe.” She nodded thoughtfully. “Nothing has happened that you will have to…say Hail Mary’s for.” She laughed, but she was obviously not tickled.

  “Don’t tell me anything, Dane.” She pointed at him, her finger far away, but the look on her face made him believe it would push into his forehead at any moment. “Nothing that you will later think, ‘Damn! why did I say that?’ I don’t want it, I don’t need it, and you don’t, either.” She picked up her fork and drove it through the meat as if the steak were butter. He watched her chew, then reach for her glass, taking a confident gulp.

  “Okay. But, this isn’t over. Eventually, you will have to let it happen.” He placed his napkin across his lap. “But you want to stay in the ‘safe zone’”, he said, putting his fingers up like quotation marks. He’d already had time to think about this, and though the memories were upsetting, he wanted to go into this right. Nevertheless, she wasn’t ready, and he couldn’t force it. Timing truly was everything.

  “Safe zone?” She smiled and rolled her eyes.

  “Yes, ‘safe zone’. You don’t want me to make this more complicated than this already is.”

  “Are you a murderer?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “Did you molest some children?”

  “What in the world? No.”

  “What about grown women...or grown men?” He detected the attitude in her tone, mixed with a bit of sarcasm.

  “Of course not.”

  “Then I don’t need to know...pass the pepper.”

  “You are something else, Ms. Thomason…pardon me, Ms. Blue.” He took a bite of his steak, and grunted at her expression and his eyes rolled in the back of his head, making her laugh.

  “Please! It’s good, but it isn’t that good. Thanks though.” She giggled as she placed a French cut string bean in her mouth.

  “It is that good. You are an exceptional cook.”

  “Thank you kindly, sir.” She winked at him. “You told me a while ago you know how to play the piano. All this time, we’ve discussed me, and my career, but I’ve yet to hear you play.” She pointed behind him to the rustic instrument that had certainly seen better days, but was surely her pride and joy. “You are going to play for me tonight.”

  “Like hell I am.”

  She burst out laughing, practically falling out of her chair. He felt his face redden as she delighted in his impromptu response. Her curls came undone and cascaded onto her shoulders.

  “Look what you did? You made me laugh so hard, my damn hair has unraveled.” she mock chided, scooting back in her chair.

  “Look,” Dane laughed as he pointed at her, “that is like a master artist asking a three-year-old to sketch a doodle. I’m not playing that piano in front of you. You won’t embarrass me like that, I won’t have it.”

  “Oh, are you scared?” she taunted. “That isn’t very masculine, Dane!”

  “That won’t work, Rhapsody. I’m one hundred percent man. My actions show it, not my words.”

  His words, cloaked as an anecdote, hung in the air—their heaviness more than apparent.

  Did I just say that?

  Pseudo-flirtation was not something he ever entertained, but this woman did something to him. Brought out the “man” in him, kicked the “priest” to the wayside. He should feel guilty, he should leave…but not in a million years did he want to leave this woman. Something slipped into place then, like a mechanism engaged within him, and he knew at that moment—his life was about to change. Everything was about to change. Including all that he was, all that he’d represented in the world until now.

  And he wanted this. Yes, he’d brave anything to have his Rhapsody, for nothing would be more of a sin than losing her...

  It was time to make things a bit clearer, to be candid, sincere...to no longer walk the fine line between one world and another—his world in the Church and the outside world where Rhapsody lived.

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, once I realized I wanted to see where this...thing between us would go, I felt at ease,” he said gravely. “Crazy as that sounds, I was at peace with the possibilities.”

  He chanced a glance at her and caught her pleading eyes. “Don’t,” they said, but he refused to let her back him into a wall. She needed the words...and he would no longer appease her, at least not this time.

  “I don’t think you know how much you mean to me,” he finally said.

  “I’ve heard that before,” she mumbled, then forced a smile—a smile that, he had no doubt, was meant to cover hidden pain. That was how she operated, by covering hurts with humor and witty comebacks. He was determined to confront and sooth that pain within her once and for all.

  “You don’t trust yourself.” He smiled at her and clasped his hands together after pushing his empty plate aside. “You think you’re making a mistake, in some way, by even dealing with me, but you wouldn’t be true to yourself if you ran away from this. You’ve been struggling this
entire time, haven’t you? We are both fighting, just two different battles.”

  “What if I told you I think I’m afraid of true commitment, so I subconsciously find men I know are not available for long term relationships? What if I told you that I accept that about myself?” She crossed her arms over her chest, her face placid.

  Dane cocked his head to the side and deliberated. “Some of that may be true, some of that may be,” he shrugged, “you are trying to figure out if I’m even worth the effort. Do you really think you are afraid of commitment?”

  Her expression turned shy and she shifted in her seat. “I wonder sometimes.” She sniffed, rubbed her nose and contemplated her half empty plate. “I sure know how to pick ’em, that’s for sure. I thought...I thought I had finally learned.”

  “Rhapsody, did you ever stop to think that it would take someone like you, someone open-minded and willing to even consider such a possibility, for me to be comfortable enough to even be sitting here with you tonight? You did learn. Only this time, something in you trusted that I was worth taking a chance on. You believe I am different, somewhere deep inside. You bet on the underdog, only this time, it will be worth it...”

  She immediately looked away, as if someone had rang the doorbell. The woman was squirming in her seat and he was certain her blood pressure had went up, based on her reddened complexion and silence.

  “I know though, that that comment is more than just about me.”

  He cleared his throat, leaned back in his seat and raised his arms, crossing them behind his head. He wanted to get it out of her, wanted her to purge, to cleanse, to confess...

  “Tell me about him.”

  She ran her fingers slowly over the table cloth, smoothing out a slight wrinkle.

  “His name was Raul. He was liar and a cheat. End of story.”

  “Nah,” He shook his head. “That’s just the beginning. If we are going to do this, let’s do this, Rhapsody. Come on, be all in. This is discovery time. Now, I let you off the hook when you didn’t want me to just let it all hang out, but I personally don’t feel that way. You rejected my offer, but that doesn’t go both ways since you opted out. No way. I need full disclosure. Not to cause you pain, but to truly understand the woman I am with.”

  He could see on her face that she was taken aback by his candor.

  “I bought the lie and accepted the cheat that was in him the entire time of our relationship, until I couldn’t any longer. There is something,” she swallowed, “demeaning and belittling about recognizing that you’ve played the fool for love. It is...shameful...” She looked at him then—directly, intently—as if searching for his very soul. She poked her chest aggressively as her voice rose, “Shameful to know that someone such as myself was someone else’s sucker. I’m not stupid, but I sure as hell felt like it. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the worst time.”

  He nodded, painting a picture of her inside his head, weaving thoughts of comfort to offer at the right time.

  “I had taken a break from love before him...focused on me. I thought I was ready... You know what, Dane? I really don’t think I want to talk about this.” She threw her napkin off her lap and abruptly stood. “That man had enough of my damn time.” She laughed, turning her back to him, hiding something, something she refused to show or relinquish. “Let’s talk about something else, okay?” She glanced at him from over her shoulder then turned back to go to the kitchen, returning moments later with the sparkling juice bottle he’d brought.

  I won’t push her anymore. She will tell me soon, give her some breathing room…just back off a bit...

  Wearing a manufactured grin fit for a factory baby doll, she gasped as he snatched the bottle from her grip, slammed it onto the table and grabbed her roughly around her waist. His fingers trailed up her stomach; he felt the fabric from her shirt bunching as he stood from his chair, turned her toward him and placed his lips gently on hers.

  Impulsive, compelling—a kiss he couldn’t avoid. How did he ever think to continue this charade, to keep on controlling himself…to stay away from her? Would he go to Hell for this? No, God is forgiving. God is love.

  And love was what he felt for Rhapsody.

  The kiss was soft, warm, her full, moist lips against his. He cupped the back of her head as his need for her became more determined and aggressive. The heat from her body against his stirred him, pushed him to leave all the shadows behind. What felt so odd to him was that it didn’t feel like their first kiss at all...he’d experienced all this in his dreams already. A hundred times.

  After a while, she pushed softly against his chest, the palms of her hands digging into his pecs.

  “Whew,” she said, a little breathless. “Uh, okay.” She pulled back, laughing nervously and running her hand across her brow. “Wasn’t expecting that!” She tried to look away but he gripped her chin and turned her back toward him for another kiss, this time tracing her bottom lip with his tongue. He felt her hesitation, then, slowly, she relinquished, opening herself up to him, allowing him to explore her fully. He moved his hands to the small of her back and pulled her toward him, embracing her tighter as he deepened the kiss.

  Yes, he was going to hell, but at least, now he knew. From now on, he was no longer a priest, and he wouldn’t live as a hypocrite…

  With a groan, he fell deeper in a spell that had him entrapped in a mystical entanglement for two. After a while, with reluctance, he ended the kiss, holding gently onto her elbows as he took a step back, while still savoring the flavor of her sweet mouth.

  They exchanged a look of awe, of surprise, as though a great discovery had been made. Rhapsody tried to break free from his embrace, but he couldn’t let her go, not completely. He pulled her back, close to him.

  “Dane, oh my God!” she said.

  “What?” He smiled into her hair, his chin buried in the soft mass.

  “Don’t play with me,” she murmured, her face pressed to his shirt. He could hear the smile in her words. “You kissed me. You kiss good, too.” She laughed.

  He smiled. “It’s been awhile. I guess you never forget really, kind of like riding a bike.”

  Finally, she pulled away, taking his hand, she led him back to the living room. The sun was setting, and the room drew darker, casting strange glows and blanketing them with perfect ambiance. He took a seat, while she lit several candles on the coffee table next to a woven elephant mask with colorful mosaic tile ears. More interesting pieces caught his eye. They fit oddly in the room, in some ways, perhaps, matching Rhapsody’s personality. Something he wanted to find out. He leaned forward in his seat, gearing up.

  Is this really happening?

  “So,” he said, finally after a pregnant silence. “Now, here’s the thing... You laid out some rules regarding saying things I might regret, and I do have some rules, too.”

  “This is a list I am sure to not follow.” She smirked and crossed her legs, swaying them back and forth. Long legs, which he couldn’t help appreciating…

  “You will follow them,” he said, surprised at his boldness. He was putting everything on the line for this…for her, for them.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because you want me as much as I want you. Your kiss told on you.” There, he said it.

  She bit her bottom lip and turned away, blushing. Feeling more confident, he leaned back in his chair.

  “Now, we are going to be honest with one another. I am not going to put you in any precarious situations, okay?”

  She nodded and stopped swinging her legs.” Is this a prelude to get me to talk about him, again?”

  “Look, I want to see you, as much as possible. I want to be open with you, and I want you to tell me what makes you, you. That includes your ex.”

  “Why are you so obsessed with hearing about him?” She grimaced.

  “Because I want to make sure I do the exact opposite of what he did. I want to know what he did, how he did it, and I want to make sure that I never c
ause you a moment of distress or hurt. In many ways, this is brand new for me, Rhapsody. I am a much different person now than I was seven years ago, so I can’t apply my old ideologies on dating and women to you. I need some help from you here. I don’t want to make you do or say anything out of your comfort zone, okay? That is not what is going on,” he reassured. “But...I want to know how he affected you, so I can understand what I’m up against. You can tell me now or later, but I will continue to ask.”

  She laughed—though it was evident by her twisted facial expression, she was insulted.

  “Look, Dane.” She rolled her eyes and huffed, exasperated. “There is nothing to compare or discuss. Just be you, and it will take care of itself.”

  “No, it won’t. You opened up to me when we were at the park that day, on the boat. I’ve never seen you that vulnerable since. It was like, you had to be in the middle of nowhere to completely let loose. The man affected you, he took something from you and I...I need to know what he did to my heart, so I can figure out how to help mend it.”

  He could tell she was struck by what he said. She needed the reassurance that he wouldn’t judge her, and the words came out naturally, unplanned, from his gut. Real, concrete, earnest. This woman was his heart. She got his blood pumping in the morning, and nothing less than “love” could describe the feelings boiling inside of him.

  “Your heart?” she repeated, seeming to stumble and choke on the word.

  “Yes...my heart. I’m in love with you. I told you that weeks ago, I’ve said it several times since. I mean that.”

  At that, she closed her eyes and let her head fall back. She gripped the arms of her chair and looked up at the ceiling. A slight sheen appeared just below her eyelashes. Standing, he got on one knee beside her and took her hand, but she kept her eyes closed, as if afraid to look at him. That was okay, he’d be brave for both of them...

  He ran his fingers along hers, admiring the softness of her hands.

  “Do you...ever wish you had a second chance to meet somebody again for the first time?”