Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved

by Laveen, Tiana

  Dane tapped his father’s shoulder. “Alright, so before I had to leave, you were telling me how the New York Giants were better than the 49ers,” he ribbed, fully expecting his cousin Carlo’s horrified expression. Carlo was obsessed with the 49ers, and this was a sure way to stir the pot.

  “Dane, stop it! I did not!” His father laughed lightly then louder when he caught his nephew’s angry expression. The conversation then turned to random topics until Dane felt a tap on his back.

  He turned around. “What’s up, babe?” He looked into Daisy’s eyes. “Oh, hey sis, what’s up?” He placed his hand on her shoulder and felt her body shaking under the purple cotton of her shirt. Bending down to her ear, he whispered, “Let’s go somewhere and talk, okay?”

  She didn’t look up at him, simply nodded and let him take her by the hand out of the room. Rhapsody, Melody and their mother, stood huddled together, laughing away.

  “Hey baby,” he called out. “I’m going outside for a second. I’ll be right back.”

  Rhapsody nodded and turned back toward her family as he walked out hand in hand with his baby sister...

  ~***~

  “So.” They sat on the steps and looked out onto the quiet street, the night air sweet with late summer barbeque aromas, the front yard dotted with leaves that stirred in the breeze. “Are you finally ready to tell me what’s going on, Daisy?”

  She looked down into her lap. “I’m thinking about leaving Rob...filing for divorce.”

  Dane sighed and grabbed her hand, appreciating the quiet of the night.

  “I wasn’t going to talk to you about this, ruin your engagement party. I’m so happy for you.”

  “Well, thank you, Daisy. You’re not ruining my party.”

  “Dane, when Dad told us about you leaving the priesthood, do you know what my reaction was?”

  “Disgust,” he half-teased, causing her to laugh.

  She shook her head. “No, I think I was the only one that thought, ‘Finally...finally he is free.’ And... I envied you.”

  Dane looked her contemplatively. He ran a hand across his face, then scratched his freshly shaved chin and gripped her tiny hand a bit tighter.

  “Do you...think it’s a sin?”

  “Do I think what is a sin, Daisy?” he asked inquisitively.

  “All of it. Divorce...to be...attracted to...never mind.” She turned away, her complexion reddening.

  Dane knew if she couldn’t even admit the truth to herself, she’d never be able to admit it to anyone else, either...and then of course, there were the children to contend with. Divorce with young children is never easy, not for anyone. There’d be lawyers, so much ‘what if’, so much possible shame and alienation.

  “Well.” Dane scooted a bit closer to her and wrapped his arm around her waist as a tear fell down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, keeping her head bent. “I’m not God, Daisy. Now, as far our religion, divorce is not something God wishes to see happen. From a human standpoint, I’m sure there are reasons where it is justifiable, even in His eyes. I’m not even sure I’m the right guy to ask about divorce right now because,” he offered a warm smile, “I am admitting that I am on cloud nine and it might skew my views right now, I am newly in love and so a part of me is like—work it out with him, you owe it to the kids, and yourself...and then,” he kissed her cheek, causing her to smile, “another part of me is like—yeah, I don’t like Rob, I don’t like your husband, never have; he never treated you right and he is irresponsible.” He shrugged, looked up at the star-studded sky, then back at her. “So is it really fair for me to weigh in on this? Probably not. I’m not objective but then...there is the other piece of this puzzle.”

  He felt her stiffen next to him. She drew her legs closer together.

  “I’m the only one that knows the truth still? No one knows about your relationship in college but me?”

  She nodded.

  “...and when you talk about sin...which sin is worse? Living a lie? Lying to yourself and to others about who you really are, or the act itself, you know? I really can’t say, Daisy, but I can offer you this. I will love you, no matter what your decision is. I love my nieces and nephews and I know that this has been hard for you. You don’t want to disappoint anyone, trust me, I get it.” He released her hand and rubbed her back affectionately, comforting her. “Where are you at in all of this?”

  She shook her head and folded her hands together. “Dane, I really don’t know. I envy your courage to leave it all behind and follow your heart. I don’t have those sorts of guts. And now, I’ve lived a lie, but, I do love my husband, or at least I did...I’m confused. I do know that my feelings, my sexual orientation,” she paused, “God it sounds so strange even saying that... I just tried to ignore it. I’ve been so unhappy, Dane I don’t think I can keep living like this....”

  They shared a moment of silence.

  “How long have you known?” Dane quietly asked.

  “Honestly? Since I was about fifteen.”

  Dane nodded as he reflected over Daisy’s behavior as a teenager. Nothing really stuck out as a tell-tale sign, but there were tiny things, small things, like a poster of Madonna on her wall. That was common, nothing alarming...but there was a lipstick stain mark right over Madonna’s lips. No one seemed to notice or say anything, but Dane had seen it...he’d noticed.

  They sat there for several minutes, not speaking, just sharing the space as she sorted through the pain and denial, all in her head.

  Dane took her hand and gripped it, and then a bit tighter. He briefly looked back at the house, the lights dancing on the inside from people walking past the windows, conversations brewing, muffled laughter coming through the closed door and windows.

  “Daisy, you have to be you. Nothing will ever turn out how you want it until you are true to yourself. Whether that is simply admitting the truth to yourself once and for all, and being proud to be that person and leaving it at that—or delving deeper where you actually change your marital status and all that entails, that is entirely up to you. But the first part to being okay lies in here,” he pointed to her heart as she slowly lifted her head and made eye contact with him. “It’s knowing who you are and being at peace with it. That’s all. It’s hard, I understand that, but we create the most pain for ourselves when we deny what is going on, deep in our hearts.”

  Moments later, they stood, and he gasped when she suddenly gripped him and hugged him tight. Returning her embrace, he placed his chin on the top of her head, and lightly swayed with her.

  “I have a lot to think about...but you helped, thanks,” came her muffled reply as she smooshed her face into the front of his jacket, still gripping him with all of her might.

  “You do have a lot to think about, but never be ashamed to love yourself, Daisy. God is our judge and God is about love, so you must not hate yourself, even if that self-love is not well received by others. God gave us free will, so don’t let others govern over you where their own fears and feelings become your God. No one deserves that position in your life, no one.”

  Tears streaming freely down her face as she brought her hands to his chest, and gripped the leather in her hands. He felt nothing but love and pity for her circumstances. Though the small woman had been a thorn in his side for most of their childhood and adult years, he knew the little girl deep down inside of her, and she was lovable and gifted. She’d been living a lie, and it ate her up alive, turned her into a calloused, sarcastic and at times mean-spirited individual—all because she didn’t want to let their parents down, God to despise her, and the world to judge her. Her eyes, brimming with emotion, told him so much.

  Thank you for keeping my secret all of these years...

  Thank you for loving me in spite of how I’ve treated you over the years...

  Thank you for giving me the courage to explore the true me, again...

  “And I want to tell you, Dane,” she finally said, “that I’m sorry...”

  No more words were
needed to bridge the gap between them. Her spirit reached out to his at that moment, and he thanked her for it. She didn’t need to cut herself open and bleed at his feet. The ‘sorry’ was for many years of verbal sword fighting, nitpicking and angst. Daisy was his own personal ‘Melody’, and he understood the creature on a basic level—she was a little dog with a big bark, and her bite hurt her more than anyone else. Her core was good, but she’d wrapped it in protective clothing to keep the bad stuff away. But if one is wrapped too tightly, the bricks on their wall too high and the locks on their door too complex, nothing bad gets in—their mission has been accomplished—but nothing good does, either...

  CHAPTER TEN

  “You are a selfish, selfish, man, Mr. Caruso!” Rhapsody turned the thick, glossy pages of the wedding magazine and made herself comfortable on the brand, spanking new China red sofa. A garish thing—loud, whimsical and sexy—and he’d allowed her to move the monstrosity inside of his home until they relocated into their own house together, after the wedding.

  “So, we are down to two houses now and I just need you to make a decision, Rhapsody. I know decisiveness is not your forte, but time is ticking.” He tapped his wrist, pretending his watch was there.

  “Selfish!” Rhapsody hissed in mock indignation as she flipped to another page featuring sage and salmon napkin holders. “I don’t like this color combination. This is what Melody said I should have. She is ridiculous. I’m not doing it.” She sneered at the glossy photo.

  “Don’t change the topic. I’m not selfish for not wanting you to go on your little jaunt tonight and stay here with me for some evening delights.” He sat across from her, running his hand across his chest, bunching the thin fabric of his white V-neck shirt.

  “You see.” She peered at him from over the top of the magazine as she shifted onto her side. “This is what happens when a full blooded male goes without sex this long and finally gets a woman. You just lose your mind!” She snapped her fingers, trying to keep the smile on her face to a minimum. “I am not your sex slave, Dane. I should be free to walk about the cabin,” she teased as she pulled her shirt further down, exposing her ample bosom.

  “What a load of bull! You are the one that has been after me the last two or three times.” He laughed as he pointed an accusing finger at her. “I can cite examples if you wish...detailed examples.”

  “I plead the fifth,” she said calmly as she turned another page.

  Dane shoved his hands in his pockets, suddenly serious. “Rhapsody, I need to talk to you about something.”

  She looked up at him. “Yes, what is it?” she asked as she set the magazine down beside her.

  “Look, you know I have no issue with our religious differences. Matter of fact, it has helped me as a person. I still believe how I believe, however, and as I’ve told you many times, I don’t want you to change to be like me. I’d only want you to become Catholic if you wanted to.”

  “Yes, I understand that.”

  “Well, there is one thing though, honey.” He sighed. “I really want to get married in a Catholic church. I want to have a traditional Catholic wedding. I’m not asking you to attend church with me every Sunday or anything like that, but...”

  “Dane—”

  “I just needed you to know that—”

  “Dane—”

  “This is really important to me and—”

  “Dane!” Rhapsody yelled, then burst out laughing. “You’re not listening to me, sweetheart. I’ve been trying to tell you that that is fine, and I have absolutely no issue with it. I know who I am marrying, give me more credit than that. Someone like you doesn’t suddenly lose their values and beliefs simply because they’ve fallen in love. You are just being true to yourself, and how could I expect you to be anyone but you? That’s why I love you.”

  “Well,” he said, smiling, “that was much easier than I thought it would be. Um, one more thing.”

  “Yes?” she asked, her eyebrow raised.

  “Since you’ve agreed to this, I’d like us to go to classes. It is called a Pre-Cana course.”

  “What’s that?” She tucked her feet beneath herself and listened intently.

  “Well, they are premarital courses that cover topics like conflict resolution, finances, couple prayer and sexual expectations. Those are just to name a few.”

  “So, it is like regular premarital counseling, basically?”

  “Well,” he shrugged, “yes, that is about right, but there is a difference from the standpoint that it focuses on Catholicism and emphasizes some of the issues that are important to us. For instance, birth control may be brought up. We will probably be asked about family planning and what we intend to do about it. Now, not all of us are in agreement about birth control but most Catholics that I know believe it is not God’s will for us to utilize things such as birth control pills and condoms to prevent pregnancies. Life is precious and intercourse is for the bonding between husband and wife, as well as procreation. We rely on what we call ‘natural family planning’, the rhythm method, to help control how large we want our families to be.”

  He didn’t miss the smirk on her face. “You know that doesn’t work for all families, right? The woman’s period could be irregular, and other things could go wrong, too.”

  “Well then, that’s God’s will, in my opinion, Rhapsody. If a pregnancy occurs that we may have been trying to avoid, then to me, it just means that child was meant to be here. I am not going to set up a barrier to stop them from being conceived. Now, obviously, you have some concerns about this. I wasn’t trying to turn this into a discussion about birth control, but sure— we can talk about it, we should. I need to hear what your concerns are, and why, so we can work through this. We should have talked about this a long time ago actually and this is a prime example as to why we need this counseling, honey.”

  He sat down next to her, took her hand in his. Her affectionate gaze settled on him.

  “I agree. It’s kind of like we’ve been overwhelmed by so many other things, we haven’t had all the discussions we need to have.”

  “Well, yeah, and there was a lot going on. We’ve talked about a lot of things, that’s good, but I think we may have been distracted by everything going on within and outside of our relationship, due to our relationship, we didn’t address some issues in an effort for resolution.”

  “Right, I can see that now.” She sighed. “We seem to have a sense of how the other feels, so I suppose that left a sense of comfort, like, I knew you wanted a lot of children, I could sense it, but we never spoke about it. I also didn’t know you felt this strongly about birth control but I had a suspicion you didn’t want me on it.”

  “Right. We are in tune with one another, and that is what has carried us this far but it may not be enough to avoid all the pitfalls. That is where talking more specifically about it and getting Pre-Cana courses comes into play. Let’s look at this for a minute.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  He gathered his thoughts while drawing lazy circles with his thumb on the back of her hand.

  “I have been away from dating and relationships for a long time prior to you. That left me a little clumsy in that regard. We fell in love with one another, and those emotions took over. Because of our unusual start, we didn’t do what most other couples do, or should do, which is talk all of this stuff out. We are from different faiths and belief systems. We are also an interracial couple, so with all of that, we definitely need to get some things ironed out, come to some concrete understandings, some agreements...like the whole family planning issue.”

  “Well, I tell you one thing.” She smiled up at him. “My suspicions about your feelings were obviously right regarding that and this explains that strange face you made that time...”

  “What strange face?” He frowned.

  “The one you made during the first time we made love when I told you I was on birth control.”

  He grinned and briefly looked away. “I guess...I know it see
med hypocritical, but yeah, that was why. It bothered me. I didn’t want you to feel like I was trying to boss you around or anything like that and I didn’t feel like I was in any position to talk about my beliefs when I was clearly going against them at that moment. I wanted you in that way, so,” he shrugged, “it just didn’t seem appropriate for me to say anything right then.”

  “I can respect that. We will definitely need to discuss this more, Dane. I don’t want to take a chance on only using the rhythm method, especially with as active as we are, and you don’t want to wear condoms or for me to stay on the pill so we need to come to some sort of resolution.”

  Dane nodded in agreement.

  “Well, since we are discussing this, let’s just jump right in and get it out there. How many children do you want? I know we both would like kids, we discussed this beforehand, but we really never got specific. So that there are no surprises, throw a number out there.”

  “Two.”

  “Two?! That’s it?!”

  Rhapsody laughed. “Dane, something told me you’d try to turn me into some one-woman nursery. How many did you have in mind?”

  “Five, maybe six.”

  “Oh hell, no!” She cackled.

  “Okay, well let’s come to a compromise.” He crossed his arms. “What is your counter offer?” his eyes twinkling.

  Rhapsody mulled it over for a few seconds. “I tell you what, I can give you three and a pet. Deal?”

  “A pet?” He snickered. “Three? Okay, deal. You may change your mind and want more though, you never know,” he said optimistically.

  Rhapsody shook her head. “I might, but I doubt it. I have no uncertainty that you’ll conveniently forget about this discussion years from now and try to talk me into more.”