What should I say to people who tease me after seeing me on the stroll?
Don’t say anything to them. You are not required to justify your life conditions to anyone. You should, however, find an adult or a friend that you can trust, to help you figure out the best way to remain safe (and free from judgment at school) while you figure out your next step in life. As soon as you can, contact an organization or someone you trust to help you gain control of your life. You can get off the streets, but it’s really hard to do it alone. You’ll need help, and there are lots of organizations that can help you. As soon as possible, contact GEMS (see list at the end of this appendix) to get a copy of A Survivor’s Guide to Leaving. Adult survivors of sex trafficking believe this booklet is a very helpful tool as you launch your journey. A list of additional resources is included at the end of this appendix. If you’re in a different city, contact one on the list and they will help you find someplace closer that can help.
Why do I get so annoyed when people look at me?
Sometimes, when we feel a little self-conscious, someone’s look can feel like a judgmental stare. This stare can feel rude. It can be challenging. It can be sexually provocative. People try to pretend that a look or an expression isn’t that important, but those things do matter. They matter because they give us an indication of what someone is thinking about us, and what we are thinking about ourselves. Looks have meaning, words have meaning, and physical actions have meaning—we know this instinctively. But it’s our interpretations that give them that meaning. In other words, only if you feel inadequate in some way do looks or words have a meaningful impact on your life. When you feel whole, it’s harder to be triggered by another person’s problems, issues, or judgments of you.
Here’s the thing to remember: Your life is beautiful. Their looks are about them, not you. Just because you may not be where you want to be yet, or have all of the material things you want—and that everyone else seems to think are important—doesn’t mean that you are any less worthy of respect than the next person. Find ways to be true to yourself under all circumstances. That doesn’t mean lashing out with your own special stare or with words at anyone who seems to be challenging you. It also doesn’t mean that you have to belittle people who do have some of the material things that might be nice to have. No matter who has what or where you or anyone else comes from, think about the ways that you can treat everyone around you with respect.
Consider that you might be able to turn what feels like a judgmental stare into something else, by smiling at them. Say hello. Teens are notorious for calling that kind of reaction to something “weird”—but don’t worry. Just do you. Don’t worry about what others think about you. How do you want to feel about yourself? Are you happy with who you are becoming? If the answer is yes, then that’s really all that matters. Everyone else will fall in line. If the answer is no, then think about why. It may help you start to see what’s missing or what’s not working, and how you might be able to lead a more fulfilling life. Ultimately, approval of your life needs to come from inside of you, not from someone else. Focus on what it takes to make you feel whole. The closer you get the more you’ll recognize that what used to feel like a challenging or angry stare might actually be a glance of admiration.
How do I get along better with my mom?
The mother-daughter relationship can be tricky. It can also be one of the most sacred and beautiful experiences in life. It can be a bond like no other, which is why—even when our mothers get on our last nerve or when they make mistakes in their own lives—we forgive them. We are forever connected to them. Remember, mothers are people too. If you can, find a time when you can calmly sit next to your mother and talk about what’s going through your mind. Nothing beats a good conversation when you’re trying to get at the heart of what is bothering you. Ask her to tell you her story. Maybe she’s already told you some things about her life several times, but ask her to tell you what her story is. What was life like for her growing up? What’s it like for her now? What did she want to do when she was your age? What was her relationship like with her mother? What are her hopes and dreams for herself? Chances are that the same hopes and dreams that she had for herself growing up, she also has for you. Maybe those are not consistent with the dreams you have for yourself—or maybe they are. But you’ll never know unless you talk about them.
The problem with differences usually isn’t that they exist. Rather, it’s all the assumptions we tend to make about other people—even our mothers. Even if you don’t always see eye to eye, talking openly and regularly can transform your relationship. Try to carve out a regular time for the two of you to sit down together and share stories. Once she’s done with her story, then you should tell yours. Yes, whether you’re twelve, fifteen, or nineteen years old, you have a life story. Sharing with each other builds a foundation for mutual respect and, hopefully, a more fulfilling relationship. This strategy may not work for everyone, but give it a chance. Sometimes it helps to bring in other people—a friend, an aunt or cousin, a therapist or counselor—if it’s hard or if it seems impossible to start the conversation on your own. If this strategy doesn’t work, or if your mother isn’t around for you to talk to, try to find another older woman to connect to. Whether or not you have a good relationship with your mother, focus inward and prepare for when it is time to lead your own life. You can make it.
I am lesbian (or gay, or bisexual, or transgender, or queer, or questioning). How can I stay safe at school?
Your sexual and/or gender identity is your own business. You do not have to share your personal business with anyone. That said, you should never have to hide who you are or live under a cloak of oppression. If you feel alone, please consider forming or joining a group of students who can provide you with a community to share feelings, experiences, or activities of shared interest. Clubs like Gay-Straight Alliances, Campus Pride, or other LGBT youth-led efforts in your area can help you create or develop the right club for you. Your school should not prevent you from being you, and instead it should actively support your full growth and expression. First and foremost, know that you are loved. Second, know your rights. Lambda Legal’s website (lambdalegal.org) offers a host of resources that you may find helpful along your journey, including a report called Out, Safe and Respected: Your Rights at School. Become familiar with this report and identify allies and supportive adults and/or peers on campus. They can help you co-create safe spaces for your learning. Organizations such as the Safe Schools Coalition, BreakOUT, and Ambiente Joven (for Spanish-speakers) can offer you additional resources and guidance as you seek to establish or further develop a respectful and inclusive school climate. You’ve got this!
For Parents and Community Members
How do I start a conversation about the effects that school discipline policies are having on Black girls?
Starting a conversation is a very important part of initiating change. It may be helpful to approach the PTA or other parental leaders to inquire about the impact of a school’s discipline policies on Black girls. You may want to begin by just asking questions such as: What are the behaviors or actions that are leading Black girls to get into trouble? What are the typical disciplinary actions that are assigned to Black girls who get into trouble? Talk to your daughter or the student that you wish to support and begin to collect anecdotes that support your interest in exploring broader school discipline issues on campus. Ask the school’s principal to collect and review data on referrals and then convene regular discussions about the trends these data reveal. Once you have a clear idea about what may be contributing to these trends, partner with parents to explore possible ways to bring alternative disciplinary practices to your school.
What should I do if my daughter (or sister, or niece) keeps getting in trouble at school?
Be patient and do not immediately side with the school or teacher before hearing what the young person has to say. Ask her what is happening at school and why she thinks things are g
etting out of control. Ask her to tell her story, and then tell the version you got from the school. Ask her to share her experiences and talk through the best and worst aspects of school. Ask her to share what she is feeling and observing about her teachers, about her classmates, and about herself in school. Ask her to list, in detail, what is happening in school and to keep a log of the things that are triggering her negative behavior, and possibly, the negative behavior of others (students or educators) toward her. She can treat this log as a journal that she reviews once a week with you or another adult in her life. As patterns emerge for her (and you) regarding the triggers, brainstorm together how you all might address behaviors or conditions to keep her out of harm’s way. It’s important not to jump directly to harsh punishment or accusations, because there will be more to unpack. Give it time, but stay on top of the situation and remain consistent in your efforts to prioritize your girl’s well-being, in partnership with the school.
What do I say to my daughter to encourage her to go to school?
This is an opportunity to ask questions and better understand why your daughter might be avoiding school. Is she tired? Does she get enough sleep? If not, maybe you should help her establish a new night routine that facilitates rest and a more balanced diet. Also, ask her why she doesn’t want to go. Is her safety threatened? Are rumors about her distracting her from her studies? Once you have ruled out some basic physical health issues, perhaps explore whether there are conditions in school that are making her feel that she doesn’t want to go to school. Ask your daughter what she wants to accomplish in life, and when she replies, ask her if she understands why education is important to her ability to achieve this goal. Explain to her that education is a tool to move forward. We all have days when we just need a break, but try to reinforce the importance of staying true to her commitments, and then be clear that education is her commitment to herself for the future. Consistency is very important for children, so checking in on her progress regularly and establishing a routine will be very important. If you sense that she is not comfortable talking with you about what’s going on in her life, ask her if there’s another adult she would be willing to talk to or if she would talk to a counselor. It might hurt to feel like she can’t share with you, but in the long run finding her someone she can talk to may help her get back on track.
What can we do at home to support my daughter in school?
Establish a routine for your daughter that includes quiet study time and an area where she can devote her attention to studying. While every person has her own study style—and some may respond to the additional stimulation of music—explain to your daughter that most television shows, popular music, and social media are distractions and should be minimized during her study time. If she’s strong-willed about it or resistant to the idea, make agreements about one or more hours of the day that are free of all electronic media (even when homework involves computer time). Ask your daughter if she has carefully checked and completed her homework assignments. If you suspect that she is lying about not having any homework or having finished an assignment, then check it. Establish a line of communication with your daughter’s teachers so that you know your daughter’s progress in school before parent-teacher conferences. Prepare at least five specific questions about your daughter before attending a parent-teacher conference so that you can ask more than the general “How is she doing?” or “Why are you failing my daughter?” Often there are many reasons and many people involved—parents included—when a girl seems to be “failing” in a subject or in some other way. Ask your daughter’s teachers what they need from you to support your collective vision for the academic success of your daughter. Work out a plan that you create with your daughter to determine how she can take the lead in this shared vision for her success. Don’t forget, this is about her! She should be just as involved in discussions and planning about her school life as everyone else, if not more.
How do I build trust and get my daughter to talk about what is bothering her?
Depending on your relationship with your daughter, you may or may not be the person your daughter goes to first when she is in trouble. If you’re not, that’s okay. But you need to know who that person is in her life and build a relationship with that person. There are many ways in which you can build enough trust between you and your daughter to ultimately find out why she may be acting out in school. Begin with setting aside a specific time each week for just the two of you. Initially, you two can decide to do something that just brings you joy—play a game, watch a television show that you both enjoy, or take a walk. Once you have established this rhythm, you can start to share your story—specifically the incidents in your life that shaped your educational journey, and what you have learned from these experiences. Don’t be afraid to share the bad with the good, but be sure to discuss the consequences associated with bad behavior and provide a space for your daughter to add her perspective. Remember to breathe through the aspects of her story that may not resonate with your own or that you may struggle with; work through these issues together and always end the conversation with how you are going to resolve the issue. Most of all, try not to judge her. Guidance and judgment can be hard to separate, especially if you are “old-school” and find it important to direct your daughter in the way that she will go (if she knows what’s good for her). However, in today’s society, where young women are exposed to so much so early, it might be more beneficial to listen to her story with an open mind. If you can’t hear it, then ask her to write it. If you can’t read it, then ask her to pick a song that captures how she’s feeling and then talk to her about why the song speaks to her. Sharing stories in this way can help you both get to the bottom of what might be bothering her and why she is feeling the need to behave in ways that are disruptive to her learning. If you don’t get an answer or a response right away, that’s okay. Buy some time to do your research. Seek out others in your community who can help you think through what is happening or even ask your daughter if there is someone that you both could talk to that could help to resolve the problem. The important thing is that you establish some way to brainstorm with your daughter ways to deal with what is triggering her bad behavior. Ultimately, express your appreciation for her honesty and ask her to help you to understand how her actions could better reflect her future as a queen. Then ask her how you can help her queen shine. Two lights illuminate the hidden treasure all the more effectively.
For Educators
I want to keep my school and classroom safe. How can I do that without security?
Once upon a time, our schools didn’t need armed security guards and police officers to manage the activity of schools. Community accountability and the leadership of principals, deans, counselors, teachers, coaches, faith leaders, and other volunteers helped to create a school climate where the majority of students felt safe. Yes, times have changed and the availability of guns, drugs, and other harmful conditions is a reality for too many of our children. But the most fundamental piece of this puzzle has remained constant—children are still children. They still co-construct their lived experiences by bringing their unique peer cultures to the adult world. They will still respond favorably to interventions that are rooted in a respect for them as people and that address their most basic needs. This can all be done without armed security guards on campus, which is evident in the fact that not every school in our nation has this structure in place.
When girls are engaged in violent interactions, it is often in response to them feeling disrespected. So the question we should be asking is, how can my school facilitate a culture of mutual respect? There is no cookie-cutter response to these issues. Each school is composed of a unique collection of young people who can help to think through ways that they might help to keep their schools and hallways safe. As long as there are school resource officers and security guards on campus, they must be extensively trained to respond to and work with victims of sexual exploitation. These individuals should be ri
gorously screened for their own competence with respect to strategies to prevent and reduce the retraumatization of girls who have experienced sexual assault and victimization. There should be ongoing conversations with students—female, male, and elsewhere along the gender continuum. Ultimately, while adults should take on a leadership role in the development of these school-specific strategies, youth should have a voice too so that they also are invested in the policies or norms that are developed.
There is ample room for innovative approaches to this dilemma that are already being explored but deserve wider adoption. For example, schools are asking for grandparents, businesses, and other agencies to volunteer to help schools keep their hallways orderly and safe. One powerful example comes from an elder-volunteer program in a Southern California alternative high school. These community volunteers altogether replaced the “security” formerly found in so many high-poverty schools or schools that educate formerly incarcerated children. Not only did these elders help to tutor the students, but I witnessed these grandmothers also serve as enforcers of school rules when young people got out of line. These elders were respected as authority figures by the schools, and when they intervened, they did so with love, which was well received by the students. When we collectively expect our children to do better, they rise to the occasion.
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