He was lying.
He just lied to me. I could see it. I could fucking see it. I lied like that. So casual, with just enough information. You know what I didn’t do, though? I didn’t swallow like he did. I didn’t crack my knuckles in a gesture of discomfort that echoed in the silence.
His lie jarred the breath out of me. Everything turned red-hot inside. It burned for some reason. Why the fuck was he lying? And why the fuck would he not? We didn’t even know each other.
I nodded. I kept nodding as I hung my head and scrunched my eyes closed. I needed a minute.
“That’s…great,” I said again as I looked back up. “I’m going to go.”
It felt like everything just turned to ash, black and powdery. The crash of my high was devastating. I stood there, unmoving but dangling, flying off the cliff. We looked at each other. Me waiting for him to say something and him about to say it.
In the end, he nodded. “Thank you.”
For a minute, I wondered why he thanked me. And then I remembered the laundry basket in my hand. “Don’t mention it. I get paid to collect your dirty laundry.”
I opened the door and shut it behind me with a soft click. So anticlimactic, that sound. I wished it would’ve boomed or crashed or lashed. What had I been thinking, pinning my hopes on him like that? I never learned.
I made my way across the lawn, among frolicking and shrieking children. Katie stood by the fountain, stray droplets shining on her black hair. She looked upset. Some boy was getting in her face and laughing at her.
What the hell?
I strode over to them, ready to rip him a new one. Katie looked up as I approached. Her red lipstick was smeared, and her eyelashes were moist.
“What’s your problem?” I snapped at the boy, who looked to be older than Katie, somewhere around ten or something. He was blond and pretty, but a cruel smirk on his face made him look evil. I fucking hated him.
“She has lipstick on.”
I bent down and looked him in the eye. “So? Do you like the color? Wanna put it on yourself?”
“I’m not a girl.”
“Could’ve fooled me. You look like one.”
His eyes popped wide, and his face twisted. “Hey, I don’t look like a girl.”
“Then stop shrieking like one and get lost. Don’t you ever come near Katie. Do you get me? Or you won’t like what I’ll do to you.”
He ran away.
Great. I was reduced to scaring children now. Lock me up somewhere.
“Asshole,” I muttered.
I bit my lip to calm myself before turning to Katie. “Hey, you okay?”
She nodded. “I hate him.” Then she asked in a shaky voice, “I look weird, don’t I?”
“No,” I said fiercely and cleaned up her face where the lipstick had smudged. “You look beautiful. Very, very beautiful, okay? You’re the most beautiful girl.”
She nodded. “You said a bad word though.”
I smiled slightly. “I did, didn’t I? I’m sorry.” I stopped fussing with the lipstick and arranged my thoughts. “You know what, Katie? I want you to listen to me very carefully.” At her nod, I went on, “If something like this ever happens to you, don’t you dare cry before you make him cry or they’ll think you’re weak. You’re not, okay? You smack him, slap him on the face, scream, call him names. But you don’t back down. Ever. You are strong. Very strong and beautiful. If he calls you weird, you call him weird back and maybe even stomp on his foot, too. Hard.”
She giggled and nodded.
I chuckled. “Got it?”
“Yes. Can I call him asshole?”
I winced. “Not when there are a lot of people around.”
“Okay,” she agreed solemnly, and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed her forehead. Something strange tumbled inside my chest. I’d never experienced that before. I didn’t know what to call it. I stood up and saw James stalking toward us.
It slammed into me then. If James lied to me, did that mean he was lying to Katie, too?
But…why would he do that? Why lie to his own daughter?
What kind of a monster was he?
****
James
My legs shook as I charged toward Madison and Katie. Panic was pressing down on my body, making it hard to breathe.
Madison had known I was lying. How did she know? I was a proficient liar. I’d had years of practice. I was good. But she caught me. It was uncanny. Eerie.
Madison knew. She knew about the lie. What if she told Katie? What if she destroyed everything? I would never see Katie smile or laugh again. She would hate me for driving her mother to death.
She would become me. She would crave the blade.
No, no, no! I screamed in my head with every step. I can’t lose Katie. What did I have if I lost her, too?
Our eyes met across the expanse of sun-dried grounds and blood-red flowers, Madison’s and mine. There was a sheen of anger in the mud-colored depths of them. A proverbial axe dangled in the air between us. She could grip it any second and slash it through my world. I can’t lose Katie, too.
Pursing her bow-shaped lips, Madison shook her head once and walked away, lugging the laundry basket with her.
I hastened my steps toward Katie and came to my knees as I reached her. “Katie…” My voice sounded shriveled, uncertain.
She whirled around, and her face broke into a bright smile. “Daddy! Madison said I look beautiful. She scared that stupid boy away.”
Her lips moved too fast for me to comprehend what she was saying. A white noise buzzed in my ears, muffling her words. I felt Katie tugging on my hand. “Daddy! Did you hear? Madison said I was beautiful. She said I could hit the boys if they make fun of me. I can even say asshole.”
I kept searching her face for devastation, and all the while, Katie frowned and chewed on her red-painted lips. My daughter’s gray eyes stared back at me, nonplussed and muddled. I had never felt sicker in my life.
“Daddy! Why aren’t you talking?”
I filled my chest with enough oxygen to say, “Are you okay? Were…were you crying?”
“Yes,” she said with excitement in her voice. “A little. But then Madison said that she’d do something bad if that boy ever came near me. She called him an asshole. Daddy, can I please call bad people asshole? Madison said I could but only when there’s no one around. Can I, Daddy?” Her eyes shone as she finished her story.
Ignoring her, I asked, “What boy? What’re you talking about?”
She pouted. “He said I looked weird with Mommy’s lipstick on.”
I breathed through my nose to try to calm myself. “Where is he now? What’s his name? What did he say to you?” As I understood what Katie was saying, my voice became harsher with every word. I searched for the boy as if I knew who he was. I searched for Madison. My gaze flew around, afraid to look at Katie for too long.
She put her hand on my face, and I was startled by the contact. My eyes settled on her as she said, “I don’t know. Daddy, can I though? Can I say asshole?”
Her innocence dug a hole in my chest. She did not know yet. She was safe. I was safe. My skewed, canted world was still the same. I wanted to hug her, curl her against my chest, and hold her forever, but I simply palmed her hand over my cheek.
“You’re saying it now.” I stood up and my legs creaked. “But no, you can’t say it. It’s a grown-up word.”
“But Madison said I could.”
Madison. I puffed out a sharp, angry breath. She was turning my world upside down.
Repeatedly since yesterday, I had tried to not think about her kiss with Julia but failed. The moment their lips touched, a sense of loss—visceral loss—pressed on my chest. I couldn’t understand its origin or purpose.
What did I care what she did, who she kissed? She was nothing to me. But that scene kept coming back.
“And I’m saying you can’t.” I rolled my aching shoulders, stretched my neck. “What else did she say?”
“Sh
e said I could slap the boy who says I’m weird. Oh, and she said that I should make them cry like a little girl ’cause I’m strong. Only then I could cry.” She giggled at the end.
“No, you won’t do any of those things. If something like this happens, you call me, understand? You call me, and I will take care of it.”
She stomped her feet. “But Daddy, I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m five.” She showed me five fingers.
“Yes, you are,” I agreed. She was only five. Too young for all this. Too young to fight. I was here to fight for her. I realized she would not give in on this. So like Nat, dogged and stubborn. Sighing, I asked, “Do you know what you want to do today?”
She proceeded to tell me her plans for ice cream, the toy store, and several other things.
****
It was close to dusk when we returned after our day in the town. While walking back to the cottage, Katie came across her friend and took off to play with her. I told her to stay in sight of the cottage and lugged our purchases inside, depositing them on the couch. On jittery legs, I walked back out and skimmed my gaze around, searching for Madison.
I saw her walking toward the edge of the resort. She wore a gray tank top and shorts, not her uniform. She must be finished for the day. Dodging the stream of people, I followed her and called her name.
She whipped around, and her eyes narrowed as she saw me coming.
We regarded each other silently. As if we were enemies. We were, I suppose, after what happened that morning. Even through the anger, I felt uncomfortable under her scrutiny, as if she were peeling off my skin, exposing the bones underneath.
“What do you want?” Her tone held no inflection, but her posture was taut, ready for attack.
All morning, she had been in the back of my mind, a wispy but real shadow. I had to know her intentions. What did she plan to do now that she knew? I shot straight to the heart of it. “You know. You could tell I was lying.”
She remained quiet for a long time, with my words suspended in the air. I wondered if I had been wrong about the whole scenario. There could be the sliver of a chance that she had no idea what I was talking about.
Her next words shattered my harrowing hope. “You’re not that good of a liar.”
I clenched my muscles against the cramps of fear. My whole word teetered in the palm of her hand now. “I don’t owe you the truth.”
“Not to me, no. But what about Katie?”
Breathing became difficult. My wind-pipe was closing in.
“She doesn’t know, does she?” She gave out a mirthless chuckle. “You fucking asshole. For a second there, I really thought you were, I don’t know, different. But you’re just the same.”
I bit my tongue until I tasted blood. “This is not your business.”
“Well, what do you know?” She shrugged. “I’m gonna make it my business. So let’s discuss the details, shall we?”
Her eyes snared me. Now, I understood what bugs felt under a microscope. Bloated and magnified, trapped under a heated lens.
“What’s your plan here, James? What’re you going to do? Wait for Katie to forget that she ever had a mother? Is that it, huh?” She walked closer to me. “She draws for her mom, for fuck’s sake. She talks about her all the time. In fact, that’s all she ever talks about. How does this not affect you? Wh-what kind of a man are you?”
My heart pounded in my chest. I felt cornered, trapped, unable to break free. My guilt was too big for my own body.
“You don’t know anything.” I gritted my teeth, trying to control the tremble in my voice.
“Why don’t you tell me then?” she said. “Why’re you lying? What’re you hiding, James? What is it?” Two more steps, and we stood toe to toe, her sharp, alluring scent assaulting my senses. Looking up at me, her eyes glittering with an odd light, she whispered, “You know, I’ve been thinking about it. And trust me, I don’t do that often. So what makes a dad deliberately mislead his daughter? What makes him lie to her? And you know what I came up with? I think you’re hiding something, something big and bad. Like a dead body.” Her eyes grew wide. “You killed your wife, didn’t you? You fucking killed her, and now you can’t tell your daughter. Isn’t that right, James? You killed your own wife.”
The next words out of my mouth came forth in a blast of wind, gusty and appalling and…true. “Yes,” I hissed. “Yes, I killed her. She died because of me.”
My voice sounded like an explosion, a gunshot in the middle of a sunny day, with only loud breaths following in its wake. My mind was whirling, chanting. Yes, I killed her. I killed her. I killed my own wife. The world appeared blurred through my eyes, sunlight beating down on me.
From this close, I could see the shape of Madison’s eyes. They were slightly tilted, tipped at the edge, and her eyelashes were so dense that they tangled with each other. I found two of those lying on her upper cheeks, just under her dark circles. So innocent but so deceptive.
I curled my fists to keep from reaching over and plucking those eyelashes from her cheek. “You’re right. She died because of me.” Taking a deep breath, I said, “I…want you to stay away from Katie. I don’t want you near her.”
Her eyes hardened even more. “Saving your own ass, are you? You think I’m gonna tell her. You know what, maybe I should. Maybe I should tell her how much of an asshole Daddy Dearest is. Don’t listen to your daddy, Katie. He’s trying to fuck you up.”
Her shrill voice, along with the chants in my head, grated against my skin. “I’m…asking you…to stay out of this.”
“Make me.”
Her breath washed over my lips. She had done something to me with her taunting words. My muscles stretched taut and ferocious like a cornered animal’s, ready to charge. I wanted to attack Madison, stab her with my teeth, my nails.
Blindly, I took a step closer to her, shivering with heat and anger. My vision zeroed in on the purple vein fluttering on her slender throat. I imagined my fingers tightening around it, squeezing her pale neck until her blood vessel ballooned and popped. And drops of blood streamed down her fragile collarbone and the top of her small but heaving breasts.
No one had ever provoked me to this extreme. It was strangely liberating, empowering. I thought I could jump off the cliff and fly. I could kill Madison and get away with it.
Madison’s eyes flared. Her quickened breaths roared in my hypersensitive ears. I detected a manic excitement in her, wild and feral. A smile tugged at her full lips. It was as if she had been waiting for me to lose control.
We stood close to each other, closer than before, but I did not bother moving away. Neither did she. Something kept us fixated. Something that made the air around us opaque, foggy; it was hard to breathe. I felt a stirring deep in my gut, a snake yawning, hissing with sharp fangs. If I focused hard enough I could discern my fingerprints on her neck, like I had already touched her just by thinking about it. My cock jumped inside my pants, shocking me.
My senses came on, and I scampered back. What was that? What was I thinking? Madison’s face was flushed. She appeared to be as bewildered as me.
“Just stay away from her,” I repeated, this time as a plea.
With that, I turned away and never looked back. As I stumbled my way to the cottage, exhausted and weary, I realized, for those few seconds, I had nothing to hide anymore. All the ugly things inside me were spilled out on the ground. It had been maddening and…freeing.
****
That night, when Katie went to bed, she turned to me, smiling. “Daddy, tell me a story.”
I hesitated where I sat at the edge of bed, her purple blanket suspended in my fingers. “Uh, what?”
“A story.” She shifted on the bed, her clothes rustling against the sheets. “Please? Anything?”
Tucking the blanket around her shoulders, I thought for a few seconds. I did not have any stories except the ones about how Newton stumbled upon gravity while eating an apple or how the structure of benzene was discovered with a dream
about a snake. “I…um, there was a boy—a long time ago.”
Katie nodded, her eyes wide, waiting for my next words.
“He…liked a girl. But he never told her.”
“Why not?”
“Well, because he thought she would never like him back. He didn’t think he was good enough.”
“Why? Was he bad?”
“Sort of. He had a habit of lying. He lied to people, all the time.”
“But why?”
Katie had her palms beneath her cheeks, her expression encouraging me to go on. Why did the boy lie? Why did I lie?
“Because he thought that if he told the truth, then no one would like him.”
“And the truth was?”
I stroked her hair, curled my fingers around its softness. “The truth was that he was…sad and lonely, and he had no friends. And the girl he liked had plenty of them. She laughed and talked, and so he thought she’d never like someone like him.”
“Oh. So then what happened?”
I cleared my throat. “Then one day the girl came up to him and said that she liked him and that she wanted to be friends. But the boy got scared, he didn’t know if it was such a good idea.” My voice had gone hoarse; visions of Nat bombarded my head. Her laughter, her shining eyes.
“But shouldn’t he tell her that he liked her, too?”
“He wasn’t a good guy, remember? He lied.”
Katie slapped her hand on the pillow. “But they both like each other. They should be together.”
“You think so? Wouldn’t it be better if she found someone else?”
“No. He’s sad. He needs a friend. He needs her. And he’ll do better.”
No, he would not. He did not.
Nat’s words before going to Florida came back to me. “I want to go, James. I have to. If I don’t, I’ll regret it forever. And I…I don’t want any more regrets. I have enough of those. I just can’t stay here, not when I know there’s this thing out there for me. I have to do it. I have to go away, get some space, do something I truly love.”
Don’t you love me anymore? I had wanted to ask, but I did not. I knew the answer. She loved someone else.
A warm hand pressed against my cheek, bringing me back to the present. Katie appeared blurry to my eyes, and I blinked.
A War Like Ours Page 6
