“Oh, pshh! Choose dare for the next time.” She rubbed her belly again. “So get on with the story.”
I shook my head at her. “We met at the salon I used to work at. I don’t know, we just saw each other and that was that. We went on a few dates, and then I ended up moving in with her after a few weeks. End of story.”
“Wow. That was boring,” she said. “So what, you knew you were in love after only a few dates?”
Love. I didn’t know what that was. “No. I knew that I needed her to survive and she needed me, too. It was more than love or desire. It was a need. It still is.”
Lily grew serious. The false shine in her eyes went away, leaving them bare. So like my mom’s. It pierced me in the chest.
“Anyway, now it’s my turn,” Lily said, attempting to sound chirpy. “And I choose—or rather, Lindsey chooses—the truth.”
There was only one question I wanted to know the answer for. “Why do you stay with him?”
Lily stilled. This was the first time either of us had acknowledged that something was wrong in her marriage. A few seconds later, she said, “You know, when we first started dating, back in high school, his hands were always warm. I’d take his hands in my own and press them to my cheeks. It was weird. People would look at us funny, but I didn’t care. And neither did he.” She chuckled. “I remember sliding his hands in mine when he asked me to marry him. That warmth answered my questions about the future. Maybe it was some voodoo or something. Who knows? But I felt safe. But now, his hands are always cold. Even in the summer. But sometimes in the middle of the night or at some totally random time, his hands warm up again.” She sighed. “I guess I stay for that. For that voodoo warmth.”
Her eyes had turned glassy and so had mine. A jagged lump pressed against my throat. Well shit. Shouldn’t have asked her if I was going to turn mushy. But I didn’t know how to stop myself. I never could, really.
Why do you stay with him, Mom?
Because I love him. You’ll understand some day, Maddy. I promise.
I thought at this point, I did understand. Love was toxic, brutal. It hurt. It destroyed. I’d rather get a cat and then forget to feed it. Or I’d spend my life with Julia and turn into a pill addict myself.
A strange sensation wrapped around my heart and squeezed at the thought of no love.
Lily cleared her throat. “So…your turn. Lindsey says pick dare this time.”
Blinking my eyes, I cleared away the moisture in them. “I think your baby’s rigging the game.”
She laughed and set about giving me a dare.
About half an hour later, we both were drenched from head to toe in soapy water, the kitchen was a mess of puddles, and the opening of the front door sounded over our silly giggles. I couldn’t believe I was using “silly giggles” and me in the same sentence. Life was fucking weird.
Julia appeared at the entrance of the kitchen, where Lily and I stood by the island. She took in our appearances with a slight frown. “Hi, ladies. I suppose there’s a reason for being drenched to the core?”
Lily smiled. “Oh, hi, Julia! We were just, you know, being stupid. I’m sorry about ruining your kitchen. I’ll clean it up later, I promise.”
Julia waved her hand. “No need. It’s okay. How do you feel though? Any pain?”
“No, I feel good. And I appreciate you letting me stay here.” She nudged my arm. “I’m having fun with Madison. I wish we could do this more often.”
I chuckled and walked over to Julia, bent down, and pecked her cheek with cold, wet lips. “Welcome home.” I wanted a deep and dirty kiss, but with Lily around, I made do with a tiny one.
“Thank you,” she whispered with the same hardened expression she had earlier that morning. “I haven’t heard your laughter in…forever, I think. It’s nice.”
It was weird, but her displeasure made me hornier. Maybe I wanted to convince her of my loyalty after she caught me staring at James. Fuck. I didn’t want to think about him when my girlfriend was feeling insecure.
“So we ordered pizza. Do you wanna join us?” I smiled, turning my voice soft. It felt like the tables were turned. I was the one making sure she was okay, like she had done so many times with me. It felt…yeah, weird. That was the only word I could think of.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I need to go up to the city for a meeting with the board of directors. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon in time for the Saturday get-together. But you guys should carry on. I just came back to pack.” She gave me a small kiss on the lips and walked to the bedroom.
I watched her walk away, disappointed.
Chapter Eight
James
“Okay, can you see me?” Brandon’s owlish stare blinked on the screen.
“No,” I told him.
“What?” He frowned, looking down at what I assumed to be the keyboard of his computer and instantly started clicking buttons. “What the hell, man?”
My lips twitched into a smile. “I can see you fine, Brandon.”
He stared at me, shocked. “Seriously, Dr. M, sometimes it freaks me out how serious you look while joking. It’s freaky, believe me.”
Shaking my head, I smiled. “Where’s Mason?”
“Here,” Mason called out as he jogged to the computer and took a seat, his lab coat more yellow than white. What did these guys do to those things?
“So do you have the PCR results?” I asked, shifting on the bar stool at the kitchen island.
I always felt a nervous kind of energy before looking at results. More so ever since Mase and Brandon had started working with me. I wanted them to see science and hard work in a positive light rather than the struggles that I’d faced in the beginning of my career. I knew I could not shield them from disappointments. Science didn’t work that way. But I was certainly going to try.
They pulled up an image of the results on screen, and I asked, “So what are we looking at?”
Brandon highlighted the areas of interest on the screen before saying, “I think we definitely have something, somewhere around here.”
He broke into a grin, and after studying the results for a few seconds, my grin matched his. “Yes, it’s there. I can definitely see it.”
He laughed. “I know, right? It’s so fucking there, Dr. M. I think I’m gonna shit my pants.”
I chuckled. “I’m going to let that one go because…” I shook my head, hardly believing it. “You guys did it.”
“Do you think we might be able to get this into clinical trials?”
“That’s too far in the future.” I laughed. “First, we need to re-run this test.”
“Already on it,” Brandon said.
I looked at Mason, who had been sitting there quietly, glaring at the screen. “What’s going on, Mason? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
Brandon elbowed his ribs. “He had a fight with his girlfriend. And ask him why.”
I frowned. “Why?”
Brandon did not give Mason a chance to explain. “Because he cheated on her. With a girl he picked up at a party, and when his girlfriend saw him doing the deed, she screamed and walked out. He should be thankful she didn’t break his bones or something. Tara is a black belt.”
Inching my glasses up with my index finger, I tried to understand this. “I don’t even know where to begin. First, you picked up a girl at a party and had random sex. You cheated on your girlfriend. Why would you do that?”
“I was mad at Tara. We had a fight,” Mason explained.
I rubbed my forehead, feeling more upset by the second. “Did you, uh, you know, did you use protection?”
Mason turned red. “Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I did. I’m not an idiot.”
“Aren’t you?” I snapped. “You know there’s still a five percent error margin to that. And was that girl, uh, was she tested? Did you ask her?”
Brandon laughed. “Seriously, Dr. M, that’s not how hook-ups work. You do
n’t go up to women and ask them if they’ll give you dick disease. You just pick them up.”
“Besides, I saw Tara getting pretty cozy with the quarterback. So I didn’t cheat on her. She did it first.”
I kept rubbing my forehead, still disbelieving. Teenagers. When I was their age, I had been shut up in the lab for hours, and then there was Nat. Her constant need for attention was enough for me.
“That attitude won’t get you anywhere, Mase,” Brandon told him. “You gotta stop moping.”
“Or apologize,” I broke in.
This was very far away from my comfort zone. So far away that I could hardly see my comfort zone. I had never discussed their personal lives with them. I…I had nothing to say that could be remotely useful for these kids. But still I found myself advising. “If you saw her with someone, then you should’ve talked to her instead of having random sex.”
“With an untested girl.” Brandon smirked. I stared at him hard, and he muttered, “Sorry.”
“I don’t wanna talk to her. She broke my heart.”
“You broke hers, too.” I shifted yet again on the seat. “Do you understand, Mason? You have to talk to her even if you don’t get back together. It’s the right thing to do.”
“I hate doing the right thing.”
I clenched my fists on the counter. “Me, too.” All of a sudden, it became imperative that Mason did the right thing, fixed it somehow before it got irrevocably broken. “Promise me you’ll go talk to her. Today.”
He sighed. “Okay. I will.”
As I shut my laptop, Madison’s face flashed in front of my eyes. I thumbed the wedding ring that I had taken to carrying in my pocket, along with the sharp-edged glass and the blade.
Why did the wrong things always feel right?
****
“Now take a long, deep breath,” I told Katie as I supported her tiny torso in my hands and gently shifted her to lie prone in the water. “Keep your eyes forward and look at your arms.” Taking one hand at a time, I stretched them over her head, hooking her fingers around the railing of the swimming pool steps.
Katie lifted her head from the water. “Oh! It’s exactly like a superhero.”
“When I say push against the railing, you push and let go. And then start kicking. I have you, though. I’m not letting go. We’re going all the way to the other side. Okay?”
“Okay,” she mumbled, now afraid.
Nodding, I told her to let go, and she did. Then she was on the water, floating, flapping her small legs, moving to the other side. My hands were still wrapped around her torso for added protection. But slowly, I extracted them and watched her kick and glide across the swimming pool.
We were at the shallow end of the pool, spotted only with a handful of people—children and their parents. Sunlight rained down on the pool through the glass ceiling, waving on the surface of the water. The sounds of splashes and laughter floated in the lazy air. It seemed tranquil.
Last night, Katie had told me she wanted to go swimming and to learn “flying like a superhero” in the water. I supposed that particular analogy had to do with what Madison had said earlier in evening. Pink. I’m wearing pink panties. Was she, really? I couldn’t imagine it, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop imagining it either.
With a little research, I found out that “flying like a superhero” was actually simple prone glides. First thing in the morning, I brought Katie to the indoor pool that was a part of one of the town’s gyms.
Katie was not happy that we skipped her finger painting class, but she didn’t protest too much. I was relieved. I could hardly say no to her, and if she had pushed, I would have given in.
In all honesty, avoiding Madison was my priority after what happened yesterday. She was like an infection that was spreading over my mind, taking control of my common sense. I punched a man for the first time for her. Something primitive, stripped to its rawest form, took me over when I saw her struggling against that man. There was hardly a name for it.
I dreamed of her plump lips last night, traced the curve of them with my tongue, nibbled at them while squeezing her throat as she peeled the dead skin off my bruised knuckles. I was startled awake when I felt the sting of her nails over my fingers. Sleep eluded me after that, filling me with guilt, disgust. It translated into the small cuts on my abdomen.
Now, I watched Katie float through the sun-struck water, steadily gliding her way across the pool. In her red bathing suit, she appeared like a streak, waving, spindling through with smooth strokes. The streak broke and jerked. She missed a kick and lost her balance, going under with a shriek. In terror, I dove after her, and even though it took me no more than two seconds, it felt like a stretch of forever. Winding my arms around her torso, I squeezed her to my chest. Her legs went around my waist, and she clung to me like she did in her sleep, trembling, sputtering.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. I have you now,” I soothed through my own quivering breaths and racketing heart. I never should have let her go. I should have held on.
Katie trembled against me and whimpered, “Daddy” with a terrified voice.
“Red,” I said into her hair.
She remained silent for a few seconds, but then mumbled in my neck, “Strawberry.”
“Blue.”
“Mommy’s eyes.”
“Brown.”
“Poop.” She giggled softly, and I sighed with relief. It was a game Nat used to play with her whenever she was scared or upset. Needless to say, I’d never played it before.
She moved away from my embrace, smiling. “Green”
I pretended to give it some thought. “Uh…trees?”
Her stubby nose scrunched up as she shook her head. “No, Daddy. Not trees. Leaves. You lose. Mommy always loses, too.”
“Because we let you win.”
“No! That’s not true.”
I chuckled. “Okay. You win fair and square.”
“Yay, I’m the best.” She hugged me again.
We stood like that for a few minutes before Katie asked, “Daddy, were you ever scared of the water?”
I tightened my hold on her and kissed her wet hair. “Yes. In fact, the first time I got into water with your mommy, I sort of…slipped and went under.”
At this, Katie drew away from me. “Were you scared, like, super scared?”
Yes. Yes, I had been afraid, terrified of how much I liked the sensations—the struggle for breath, the idea that I could really die, the fear itself, the minute differences that I had never noticed before. Archimedes’ principle took on a new meaning. It was life-altering.
“Yes, I was.” I focused on Katie. With my thumb, I rubbed the crease between her eyebrows, trying to soothe her. “But your mommy pulled me out.”
“She saved you?”
“Yes, she did. In more ways than one.”
I saw Nat, wet and upset as she had pulled me out that day at the university swimming pool. What the hell were you trying to do? I got so scared, you idiot.
Sorry, I’d said and reached out, bringing her closer and kissing her with my cracked heart. That was the day I realized Nat had begun falling in love with me. It felt like an achievement.
I sighed. “It’s okay to be scared, sweetheart. But always remember that I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” I’ll do better.
She took a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay. Can I try again?”
Reluctantly, I agreed. This time I did not let her go. Not until Katie got irritated with my hovering and asked me to let her fly by herself. Even then, I followed closely behind.
After a while, Katie got tired, and we decided to call it a day. I shoved my wet shirt—the shirt I had worn to cover up my scarred flesh—and swim shorts in a bag, along with Katie’s swimsuit, and changed into fresh clothes.
Retrieving my phone from my back pocket, I dialed my mother’s number. As expected, she did not pick up. I had been trying to call her for the past few days, but she hadn’t returned my cal
ls. After leaving yet another message apologizing and reminding her about the grocery day, I hung up.
As long as I could remember, Mother had never been good with such mundane things, and I had been responsible for them. At first it had been the guilt that pushed me, and then it became second nature. Now, I couldn’t not do this for my mother, no matter how much she pushed me. But sometimes I wondered how long she would punish me for Father’s abandonment.
Was there no redemption for a monster—man—like me?
No. You’re a liar.
****
As evening approached, I found myself standing at the edge of a get-together at the resort. Every Saturday, the staff organized a buffet for the guests by the lake. They strung Christmas lights around the trees and scattered the tables from the dining room out in the open.
I leaned against the prickly bark of the dogwood tree, out of everyone’s way, hidden with a glass of apple juice in my hands. My stomach churned during such events, and I was not sure if choosing apple juice over something stronger was such a good idea. But I had not touched alcohol in four days, and I intended to keep it that way. I scraped my bruised knuckles over the rough bark, irritating the torn skin further. It was a small relief in the otherwise excruciating social situation.
Jazz filled the muggy air and people mingled. After several minutes of blessed solitude, Tim found me. “Hey buddy, what’re you doing all the way over here?”
I showed him my glass. “Drinking.”
“Alone? Is that even alcohol?”
“Apple juice. I’m trying to stay away from anything stronger.”
“Fair enough,” he said, taking a sip of his red wine.
I felt I could taste the bitterness of it in my own mouth. I looked away. Through the glass doors, I saw Katie playing with other children in the play area of the reception house. Apparently, this get-together was for adults while children were being taken care of by the staff members.
I spied Madison at the far end of the party, near one of the buffet tables, carrying trays of food in both her hands. She wore her usual uniform, and her hair was tied up at the nape of her slender neck. Under the Christmas lights, her pale skin shone, making it appear unblemished. But I knew the globes of her rounded cheeks and her stubby nose were peppered with tiny freckles. Freckles that made her look innocent and even more dangerous.
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