“I thought… I thought because of our past with one another—” she opened her hands, unsure of where this conversation was headed “—that because we were friends…that was why you came over and asked me for help.”
Gil grimaced. “I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, Kai. I had liked you ever since I met you. And frankly, I was in such deep grief and shock, I found myself in your barracks, in the lobby, asking for you. I was hurting so damn much I couldn’t think straight. Rob was the other half of me. We grew up together, shared so much together, and when he was ripped out of my life, it broke me in a way I can’t even begin to describe.” Gil held her luminous gaze. “There was no one other than you that I wanted to go to.”
Kai stilled, hearing the raw emotion behind his words, seeing it in his turbulent-looking gaze and feeling it through her entire body. “I still don’t know what happened between us, Gil. One moment you were standing there in the lobby, and then you were holding me as if, if you let me go, you’d die.”
He nodded. “That was pretty much it. You were an anchor to me, Kai. I knew you had the strength to help me. And when you pulled away and kissed me, it tore open a side to myself that I’d been hiding since the day I’d met you.”
She pushed the cup aside, frowning. “I don’t know why I kissed you, Gil. I felt so driven to do it—if I didn’t do it, I’d die.” She gave him a wry look. “Something just happened within me. And to this day I don’t understand it. And nothing had ever felt so good, so right, as to step into your arms, be held and kiss you.”
It had taken every ounce of courage to tell him that. His eyes widened with surprise, and then she felt an incredible joy radiating around him even though his expression remained placid, almost unreadable. But she felt his reaction. She’d always been able to feel Gil, as if they had an invisible telepathic connection strung between them.
“I hadn’t come to see you thinking that you’d kiss me,” Gil admitted, shaking his head. “And this isn’t on you, and I’m certainly not blaming you for what happened after that.”
Giving a ragged sigh, Kai whispered, “We just crashed into each other, Gil. I don’t know. I’ve thought so much about it over the years and never come up with any good answers. I thought maybe my grief over Sam, losing him a year earlier, was the reason. Maybe because he was your best friend and I knew you…” She gave him a concerned look, felt old guilt stirring. “I just collapsed into your arms, Gil. And when you kissed me like you did, I melted. I lost my mind. It wasn’t your fault, either. I’m responsible for my own actions.”
“It escalated,” he agreed, “and I wasn’t thinking clearly, either. I was so damned hurt by Rob’s loss, that when you kissed me, Kai, it felt like the single most right thing in the world to me. It was life over death. An affirmation of life.”
“It did for me, too.” She tinkered nervously with her cup. “And I just kissed you again, three days ago.”
“You have a habit of doing that,” he said, smiling a little. “But I kissed you back, too, Kai. It wasn’t one-sided.”
Her heart strained in her chest. She felt a need for more air, realizing she was holding her breath, waiting to see how Gil felt about her. About their kiss. “I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t like it.”
“You’re not a good liar anyway,” Gil told her gruffly, his eyes warm. “You’re an open book, Kai. You’ve always been that way.”
Grimacing, she grinned and muttered, “Tell me about it.”
“I like you the way you are,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I always thought you were beautiful, intelligent and brazen.”
“Brazen?”
His smile widened. “Yeah, brazen in all the right ways.”
Kai felt heat fly up her throat and into her face. There was no question, looking into Gil’s eyes, that he was remembering their wild, hungry lovemaking. And, yes, she’d been brazen, all right.
Dodging his gaze, she looked away, and watched the tourists coming to and going from Mo’s busy establishment. Licking her lower lip, she knew she owed Gil her honesty. “Only around you. I’ve never been spontaneous like that in my life, with anyone.” Her voice lowered with pain. “Not even with Sam.”
Gil sat very still.
Kai felt the need to continue. “I wish I had more experience with relationships, Gil, but the truth is, until I met Sam, I’d had only one other affair. And after Sam died, I was lost. And then you crashed into my life. So I’m a little green about all of this. And I’ve been floundering ever since you left me. I had a disastrous affair two years ago, and it didn’t work out at all.”
Gil felt his heart expanding in his chest over her unsure, confused words and look. The fierceness of his love for Kai tripled. She looked so lost. He’d always known Kai was the kind of woman who wouldn’t have a lot of affairs with men. She was a one-man woman, and she put her whole heart and soul into that relationship. She was not a flirt and did not purposely lead a man on. How badly he wanted to tell her that it was silent love that had held them together through all these years. Kai didn’t have enough experience to know the difference between a red-hot affair in the moment and truly loving another person. Sam had been the one and only man with whom she had fallen completely in love.
Now he understood why Kai was wrestling so much with what had occurred between them. It was complicated. And because he’d had more than his fair share of affairs and relationships, he did understand what was happening. What he felt for Kai was an undying love. And it had never gone away. Never lowered in its intensity. That is what he had hidden completely from her. She was a neophyte in the world of sex, lust and love. But he wasn’t. And even now, Gil couldn’t admit his love to her. Kai was scared, as if on thin ice with him, wanting him, not knowing why, but it was there, nevertheless. Plus, even more damaging, there was the threat of him walking away from her.
His gut tightened. Fear ran through Gil as he said, “Look, maybe over time we can straighten all of this out between us, Kai. I’d like a chance to get to know you. This time, under less stressful circumstances. I like what we’ve shared before this. And I want to show you I can be a steady, reliable man in your life. You’re in charge here, not me. I don’t want to rush or push you into anything. But I’d at least like to know if I have a chance with you. To look at a serious relationship with you if it works out in that direction?” He saw her face crumple and moisture come to her eyes. God, she was so easily affected. But something he loved so much about her was her sensitivity and her inability to hide how she felt. Gil held his breath unconsciously, watching the softened expression come to her face.
“I’m scared, Gil. And you know why.”
“Then we’ll go as slow as you want. Give me a chance to prove myself to you?” Her mouth compressed and Gil knew that was a sign Kai was torn, unsure what to do. Dammit, he’d wounded her so badly and he cursed himself for his utter stupidity. He wished like hell he could do it all over again; the outcome would be very different.
“I just need time… I need to get used to the fact you’re back in my life.” Kai searched his eyes. “Does that make sense to you, Gil? I’m not sure about anything right now. I—I couldn’t stand to give you my heart again and have it crushed a second time.” She placed her hand against her chest, her voice breaking. “I just don’t have the strength, or whatever it is, to risk my heart like that again with you. I wouldn’t survive it.”
Gil did something that could either hurt or help. He reached across the table, gently easing her hand from between her breasts, folding it into his. “I would die before I’d ever do that to you again, Kai. I won’t walk away from you a second time. I promise you that.” He felt her damp, cool fingers move shyly with his warm, dry ones. If only Kai would give him one last chance. Gil would not screw it up this time.
“Okay,” Kai said in a low tone, her brow scrunching. “It’s just so scary for me, Gil.”
“We’ll take it a day at a time. Your pace. Your call, Kai. All right?” He fel
t her unsureness, her wanting him as desperately as he wanted her. Gil saw some relief come to her eyes.
“Yes, that sounds good. Thank you for giving me the space, because I need it.” She gestured with her hand. “I really need this job at the Triple H, Gil. I want to prove to Talon and Cat that I’m a great employee and worth keeping.”
“I will never do anything to jeopardize your job there,” Gil promised her. “What we have is private. Outside the ranch. I’m not going to do anything to put you in a position to lose your job.” More relief was reflected in her eyes. Could he keep saying the right thing? To convince Kai he cared enough about her to protect her, keep what they had sacred and apart from her work life?
“Yes, because I don’t want anyone to know. I really want to keep my personal life separate from my work life.”
“I’ll protect you, Kai.” Gil saw her eyes widen and an array of emotions in them, all good. All telling him that she was drawn to him. He had never felt such a rush of relief in his entire life. He didn’t have a life without her in it, but Kai couldn’t know that. At least, not yet.
And they had such a long way to go to get to where he wanted them to be—together. It was going to take every vestige of his considerable patience to woo Kai slowly, with sensitivity, and Gil prayed like hell he could pull this off right this time.
Only time would tell…
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
THE JULY FIRST sun beat down on Kai as she rode Mariah along the fence line in the southern part of the Triple H. She relished the warmth, soaking it up. Mariah plodded along, her ears moving alertly back and forth as they took a path down to the south fence. She’d finished with all her work in the green barn and had desperately wanted to be outside in the fresh air and sunshine instead of being enclosed in the equipment barn. The sway of her horse lulled her and she felt happiness flow quietly through her. The hills were lush with nearby calf-high green grass. The sky was a deep blue with high cirrus clouds that reminded her of hair blowing in the wind. Unconsciously, she touched her own growing hair. It was getting unruly and it needed to be shaped and trimmed a bit. Kai liked the feeling of longer hair, enjoying being feminine when the Army did not allow such a luxury.
A bright red cardinal was singing on a fence post, his melodic song filling the air. The soft snort of Mariah made her move even deeper into the peace she felt within her. Riding a horse was like moving into a deep meditation. The clip-clop of Mariah’s dainty hooves on the soft trail of grass made her smile. Closing her eyes, Kai allowed herself to sink into the sensations of her five senses. Automatically, her heart moved to Gil. The past three weeks since their kiss, he’d hadn’t made a move to touch her again. The ache in her body for him, however, was growing even more. And her heart was beginning to trust him. How she wanted to.
Her cell phone vibrated in her pocket. Unhappy at being snapped out of her reverie, she pulled it out. It was from Chuck Harper. Again. He’d been calling her every day for the past two weeks, wanting to get together and go on a date with her. How many ways could Kai tell him no?
“Hello?”
“Kai? This is Chuck. How are you today?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Hey, there’s a July Fourth dance at the Armory coming up. I’d really like to take you, Kai. What do you say?”
Rolling her eyes, she said, “I can’t, Chuck. I told you, I’m in a serious relationship. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Well,” he said, somewhat amused, “I had to try. I still would like to have some kind of friendship with you, Kai.”
She hated the way he manipulated her. “I’ll let you know, Chuck. You’ll have to excuse me, I’m at work right now.” She clicked off the call and jammed the phone into her pocket, her day souring. Why couldn’t Harper just leave her alone? She’d told him she was in a relationship as soon as she and Gil had made peace with each other. Moving her shoulders to dislodge an invisible weight, she crested the hill. Down below on the southwest corner of the fence line, she saw Gil working to remove a post. He had the truck and she saw all the fence and post supplies he’d need for repair purposes in the back of it.
Her heart raced as she watched him work. His chambray shirt was stained with sweat down his broad back. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and she could see even the elk-skin gloves, which were thick and protective, were splotched and darkened with sweat from his hard, continuous work. Her lower body stirred as she watched his powerful shoulders tense, his muscles bunch, when he put his arms around the lower part of the post, hauling it upward out of the ground with brute strength alone. She keenly remembered his strength, the feel of his ropy muscles around her. Groaning outwardly, Kai didn’t try to escape memory of their bodies fused together, absorbing his strength as they had loved one another.
She called out to Gil as she aimed Mariah down the path along the fence. Raising her hand, she saw him drop the post on the ground and raise his head. He lifted a gloved hand and then wiped his gleaming face with it as he straightened. Gil walked to the rear of the truck where they kept a large plastic water dispenser. He was pouring himself a glass when she rode up. Sweat was running down the sides of his face and neck as he lifted it to his lips. Her breasts tightened. The man was so damned sexy.
“Hey,” she said, lifting her leg across the saddle and hooking it around the horn, “where’s everyone else? This isn’t work for just one person.”
Gil finished the glass of water and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Cass and Talon had to go into town to Horse Emporium. They’re getting more things we need to complete this section.” He gestured toward the fence. “Did you escape the barn?” he asked, grinning as he lifted his hat off his head and wiped his brow.
“I did.” Kai sighed and looked around, resting her arms on her leg, feeling Mariah cock one of her legs up into a rest position, her weight on the other three. “It’s so beautiful out here. I miss the sunshine. The air.”
“Downside of being a good mechanic,” he agreed. Gil took a break and lifted himself onto the tailgate of the truck, his legs hanging and almost brushing the grass below them. “Did you finish on the baler?”
Groaning, she said, “Yes. That’s in part why I escaped. That damned piece of machinery has been my karma for far too long. I think I’ve got it fixed, but we’re going to have to hook it up to the tractor and give it a test run.”
Gil nodded. “Well, this grass is more than ready to be cut. Maybe get it out here tomorrow after lunch, after the dew has dried off it.”
“Sounds good to me. I’ll ride with you guys and bring my toolbox along. Just in case.”
“Want some water?”
She was thirsty. “Yeah, sounds good.” She sat up and dismounted. Pushing her Stetson a little higher, she pulled the reins over her mare’s head and led her to the truck. After tying them to the truck, she took the glass Gil handed to her, their gloved fingers touching. Kai hungered for these moments when they happened, which wasn’t often.
Gil pulled off his gloves. He ran his fingers through his damp hair, taming it into place. Hat hair was the price for wearing a Stetson. He watched Kai drink, his eyes on her slender throat. How many times had he lavished that part of her body? Knew how sensitive it was to being worshipped by him? Gil couldn’t be around Kai for long before he felt himself hardening.
“Thanks,” she said, handing him the emptied glass.
“Been riding around long?” he wondered, watching as she leaned her hip against the tailgate, facing him.
“About half an hour.” She smiled a little and tugged off her deerskin gloves, tucking them in her back pocket. “Not long enough.”
“Your hair is really growing. Looks good on you. Big change from your Army days, isn’t it?”
Laughing a little shyly, she nodded, wanting to walk in between his opened thighs and kiss him. He was damp, dirt stained, but Kai didn’t care. Gil was a working man, a man of the land. “Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” She touched he
r hair. “It’s nice in some ways to be out of the military. I miss the people, the teamwork, but not some of the other stuff.”
Gil poured himself another glass of water from the dispenser. “I feel the same.”
Kai felt incredibly happy. Being with Gil, being alone, felt wonderful. She watched him polish off the second glass, understanding how tough it was hauling a twelve-foot four-by-four out of the ground. If anyone thought wrangling was easy, it wasn’t. It took someone like Gil, who relished hard work, who funneled his passion through his body, to make physical changes in a ranch like this. It wasn’t always about roping a calf from a horse, branding or herding cows.
“Hey,” he said, picking up her hand and pulling her toward him.
Kai absorbed the burning look in Gil’s eyes and knew what that meant. He wanted to kiss her. She knew she could have pulled her hand out of his, because he waited to see what she wanted to do. Instead, Kai moved toward him, a nonverbal response to the question in his eyes. He was starting to guide her next to him, but she resisted and moved around his opened legs and stood between his thick, hard thighs. A hunger flared to life in his eyes. She placed her hands on his thighs, looking up into his gleaming face, drowning in his darkening gaze. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us, Gil,” she admitted, feeling his muscles tense beneath the light touch of her hands. “I’m not the greatest at communication and I don’t think you are, either. I know in my case, I assumed a lot of things. And that’s really bad, as I found out with Sam. And we…well…there wasn’t much talking when we came together later. From this moment on, I’m going to try very hard to let you know what’s on my mind, or in my heart, Gil.”
Nodding, Gil smiled a little. “I know you’re right. And it’s a two-way street, Kai.” He reached up, gently removing a few errant strands from her cheek, watching her eyes widen with pleasure over his brief touch. “And along that line—” his eyes crinkled “—I want to ask you to the Fourth of July dance at the Armory. Would you feel comfortable going with me? I don’t do fast dancing, but I’m pretty good at slow dancing.”
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